WHAT THIS BOOK IS NOT!
TEXTUAL EXCERPTS III
Collapse of a killer Highway bridge into a riverbed, Vision of Heaven, Two God-Given Heavenly names, Discovering some Revelations of the Infinite Mind of God, many varied and wonderful different Visions of God, Messalian Heresy, The Ancient One, My rose-blood heart-Jesus heart, Blessed but rough childhood-tough kids, men and women, some women abdicating responsibility for keeping their husbands and raising their children improperly, men are sometimes wrong too, acting irresponsibly and immaturely and both men and women are too often unfaithful to each other and to the marriage bed, men wrong too, the choice, goodness vs evil, the other guy(the devil), Sick Saints---how can this be---why does God permit it.
SOME REASONS FOR WRITING THIS BOOK
Textual Excerpts ![[I]](iclr.gif "Textual Excerpts I from \"The Divine Light and Energies\" by Robert Lind Defries")
![[II]](iiclr.gif "Textual Excerpts II from \"The Divine Light and Energies\" by Robert Lind Defries")
![[III]](iiiclr.gif "Textual Excerpts III from \"The Divine Light and Energies\" by Robert Lind Defries")
![[IV]](ivclr.gif "Textual Excerpts IV from \"The Divine Light and Energies\" by Robert Lind Defries")
![[V]](vclr.gif "Textual Excerpts V from \"The Divine Light and Energies\" by Robert Lind Defries")
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theosis8@rogers.comACCORDING TO FATHER PETER FRANSEN S.J., IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE AND INDEED IT MAY IN SOME WAY BE NORMATIVE THAT MANY SAINTS ARE IN FACT ILL MENTALLY OR PERHAPS PHYSICALLY, ALTHOUGH THE OBVERSE IS NOT USUALLY TRUE:
THAT IF YOU ARE ILL, YOU ARE A SAINT. MY HEART FILLS WITH JOY AND LOVE TOWARD FATHER PETER FOR HIS INSPIRED APPROACH TOWARD THE SUBJECT OF SAINTHOOD AND THE MENTALLY ILL. PRAISE GOD.
In Divine Grace and Man, (Desclee Company, New York, Tournai, Paris, Rome; l962) P. ll3, Father Peter Fransen S.J. writes eloquently about the church's recognition of some broken people she calls saints or who are at least elevated in status by the church.
He says "The providential design of raising canonized saints in the church, according to the needs of the times, has been dwelt upon by many writers in recent years.
Now in the case of persons undeniably privileged by Grace, but psychologically disordered through no faults of theirs, spiritual oddities or morbid character traits would prevent them from being held up as models for imitation in the church.
Nonetheless psychological disturbances are not necessarily obstacles to Grace."
He writes, "God's ways are wonderful.
He may, when He wants, destine some interiorly distraught souls to the sublime, if harrowing, vocations of imitating Christ forsaken and desolate in the garden of Gethsemane; and this "in spite", or rather by means of their shattered psychic condition.
The essential requirement for holiness is the same for all: a faithful "yes" to the call of God, manifest in the particular concrete situation of existence which His wisdom has chosen for each one; the case of the psychotic man is no exception to the rule." (p.113).
My preoccupation with suicide is one such example of a Gethsemane experience. God placed me in it and it went on, and on, and on.
I had to respond with great courage and utterly cleave to my God. This knowledge did not make it any easier.
I am going to explain to you how I happened to come to drop out of Carleton University in my last (4th) year of my undergraduate studies for the Bachelor of Arts degree with a major in English Literature.
Carleton University is in Ottawa, Canada, on Colonel By Drive overlooking the Rideau River in it's considerably depressed riverbed. Upstream about a mile is the Hogsback, a maelstrom of water created both naturally and by man.
Between these two points is a very deep river gorge (for a moderate sized river that approaches at the point I am about to discuss some 90 feet in depth.
It was here that the engineers and city leaders decided to start construction in 1967 or was it 1968, on a bridge across this beautiful river from one side, (upstream from Carleton University) where the Experimental Farm lay, to the other side where there is a very large, beautiful, wooded park I used to go running or for long walks in that park with a young woman I was interested in at the time.
In the summer of 1968 I think it was, I was attending summer school at Carleton University and living in residence.
One day, I was walking past the library when I heard a terrific WWWHHUUUUMMMPPP: I felt the earth shake a bit.
Immediately I knew what had happened. Leaving my books, notes and all on the grass by the quad, I ran all out up to the bridge.
It wasn't there.
Looking down into the gorge I could see workers running around frantically in a state of complete disorganization. I saw a hard hat lying there so I put it on and slipping on the loose rocks, I rapidly descended into the river bed.
There was the bridge lying across the river (which was a mere trickle in the summer's heat.)
This mammoth structure that was going to be six lanes wide was broken and buckled like a child's plaything, and the beams that had held it up in a lattice like framework of "X" beams and vertical columns were nothing more than splinters of wood a few feet or yards long. They were crushed under the whole length of the fallen bridge.
I saw a man with a short piece of reinforcing rod through the flesh of his right side. He was quickly rushed to the hospital.
The police firefighters and those precious ambulance attendants. Mostly, all of us were helpless due to the size of the problem.
I thought continually that although there were some injured men there, "what about the men who had been working UNDER the bridge?" I decided to go under the concrete to find them.
A young boy, age 15 or so joined me, and together in separate tunnels under the fallen concrete side by side we went in to try to find those men.
I was under the bridge feeling very claustrophobic when I heard the boy yell.
(I never did find out his name -- names didn't seem important then.) I quickly came out of my excavation and ordered him out of his.
This was no place for a 15-year old boy but as it turned out this was no place for a 23-year old young man either. He had carried out with him out of the hole, a hard hat.
Going into his excavation throwing out pieces of shattered timbers and concrete, my heart soared in exaltation. Then it plummeted to the depths. No one could live in here.
Still I went in deeper where the boy had been until there was a little space. Sticking out from between the timbers was an arm and a hand.
What could I do? I did the only thing I could: I felt for a pulse. There was no pulse. I heard a ringing in my ears and a buzzing in my head and I was starting to come apart.
The concrete overhead suddenly seemed to press down and want to crush me to death, too. I crawled out of that corridor of death as fast as I could.
There was a man there who said he was a doctor. "Go in there, please. There is a man in there and I think He's dead," I pleaded. No need to plead: He was gone into the hole in no time flat.
Then I cried my eyes out for a short while. My nerves were gone -- I had been running on nerve for the past four hours approximately.
The doctor came out quickly and said tersely, "he's dead."
I gave up after that for a while. I went up to the top of the riverbank. No one bothered me because I had a blue hardhat.
There were many people there. I spotted the mother of a friend of mine. She was hysterical. I approached her with the hard hat on and she said one of her sons had been working on the bridge.
An official suggested she should be taken to the hospital to wait for her son if he were injured (or as it was, God forbade it) dead.
She gave me the keys to her 66 to 68 wide tracking Pontiac stationwagon, about the most humungous, most powerful car on the road.
This was so I could "drive" her to the hospital. Tucking myself behind the wheel along with my friend's mother, I followed an ambulance with a driver who knew his vehicle and took off at high speed down the road toward the Civic Hospital.
Now, I had never used power brakes or power steering in my life and the only car I had ever driven was a 1200cc Austin Mini. -- a "slight" difference.
Well, we went around corners at 35 mph trying to keep up with that blessed and blessing ambulance. ( The police had cordoned off the route.)
Unfortunately, both this good woman and I had long before this, reached our emotional limits. Then to make matters worse, I nearly annihilated a group of very distraught and upset people outside the entrance to the Civic hospital, Emergency Department.
I couldn't figure out how to work those power brakes. All I could do was --push em --hard.
My friend's mother was an emotional basket - case when we finally screeched to a stop.
I sincerely hope she has forgiven me. To this day I still feel sick at heart over what I put her through. My friend will never forgive me, I fear!!!
Then I just left her there. Still if you have any sense of humour au Peter Sellers variety, you can detect a thread of humour with the virtually psychotic, totally desperate, young man with a machine he had virtually no control over and the hysterical, grief stricken woman wondering about the death of her son, tearing through the afternoon blazing sun with what looked like a date with destiny.
I took a cab back to the university avec hardhat and walked back up to the disaster site. It was much more organized now with lights as I remember it and a huge crane that was preparing to lift the bridge by means of a very thick steel hawser.
The centre section of the fallen bridge over 80 feet long and maybe 5 feet thick was their subject. They started reeling it in and the centre piece went higher and higher in the air.
I could see the body of someone lying where the huge slab had been. My heart leapt with hope. "
Come on, Come on!!! I said it to myself but no sooner had hope been triumphant than the whole centre piece was dashed to the ground taking my hope with it and leaving bitter tears inside with despair and a sick, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Either the cable had broken or the concrete had buckled but the whole thing came crashing precipitously down crushing ultimately and forever everything where it had just been 20 minutes before. There was no hope.
That did it for me. I had been at it for nearly 17 hours of taut - nerved, emotionally strung - out devastation and I was ruined.
There were 8 men killed that day in the bridge collapse. It is DEFINITELY A MIRACLE THAT IT WASN'T MORE!!!
I never wrote my exams that summer and I dropped out of university that fall. It was all too much between the fallen bridge and the fallen relationship with the one I loved: My world had come down around my ears.
I went the next night to a party in Lachute, P.Q. north of Montreal near the Laurentian mountains. There was a lot of liquor and I was a lapsed Christian.
After getting quite drunk, I suddenly burst into tears and crying pathetically, I kept saying in an agonized voice, "I couldn't save them, I couldn't save them." (I kept repeating this and then my friend had to save me as I headed for the lake.
He proved his worth that day and other days too although perhaps we were bad for each other in the end.
He introduced me to alcohol and loose women and I introduced him to soft drugs. I suspect we both got what we deserved.) Then they put me to bed like a baby. I was ill much of the night.
I felt very sorry for the person or persons that were responsible for the bridge collapse. I have no idea of what group or individual it was.
I don't intend to add anything to the suffering of this person or persons. Surely they have suffered enough.
Jesus has started to show me the Father.
The Father is revealing Himself to me in the last few days through the Son, I believe - Light and Energy both [I experience the Father as the "ground of my being" regularly, but only very rarely has He identified Himself in the Light and Energy. He is like the everlasting hills. Perhaps it is a mistake???]
Lord Jesus, God the Father, Lord, the Holy Spirit, Teach me to worship you in Spirit and in Truth.
[I was sanctified on the altar of her indifference.]
June 20th, l989 approximately
l2:24 A.M. I gave my soul to God the Father eternally tonight at this time. He accepted.
It was in response to a statement that "God didn't have my soul", expressed in the sound of the tires of the cars outside on the pavement. Ineffable!
Is this the union of the soul with God the Father?
June 25, l989
I prayed the Jesus Prayer
resistance within and without
Why do I do this?
God, why do I do this?
just confusion and silence
and resistance
Then I saw it
The Diamond, the fountain of the Spirit
So we are still married are we Jesus?
I was so cold and casual
so bitter and withdrawn
So we are still married are we?
"A marvel in our sight"
We must be past the honeymoon for sure
No great pyrotechnics
No fire-bursts in the sky
just deadness and indifference
past the honeymoon for sure
taking the Lord for granted oh how it hurts to write that
just a middle age romance with all the excitement
all the surprise
all the novelty
worn to a flat-surfaced greyness.
Where do we go from here?
BUT the diamond was for fidelity.
It was for faithfulness.
At least we are talking, OR I AM.
Please reply.
[I often have and still do see this diamond, symbolic of one that we exchanged some time ago. It is usually very large and absolutely true although rather fuzzy.
I can see right through it. It is made of the Holy Spirit. I am reminded of Macbeth's immortal words (paraphrased) "Is this a diamond I see before me". I hope the Lord doesn't mind me joking like that AND that it DOESN'T proceed "from the heat-oppressed brain."
[I had a vision while half-asleep, of looking out over a very beautiful valley with lush green trees and vegetation. I turned around and there was a long low building - 50 feet high made of stone, I was next to a pillar and I looked up and saw my name,"Robert Defries", on the pillar - a mammoth pillar, 7 feet across. BUT there was a little face like an elf on the lower part of the picture which could mean that it was not authentic. I had this vision in late l986 or early l987. It wasn't until at least two years later that I discerned that in the Old Testament, there is a description of the temple in Heaven, I believe, with the names of people on the columns around the perimeter. But I was the only actual person in my vision, except for the pixie.] And it didn't seem like the Heaven of the Book of Revelation which doesn't have a temple. It seemed much more Old Testament. [At this time now, May 20th, 1992--some two years later, I seem to have come up with another reference that I had overlooked or forgotten. I am referring to Revelation, Chapter 3, verse 12. In the King James Version, it goes as follows: "Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out, and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God which is New Jerusalem, which cometh down out of Heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name".
Now here we have a temple with my name on a pillar and we have seen already that I am given two specific new names in Heaven plus nine more which are not revealed. These two names are St. Melianchor and St. Sophistra. St. Melianchor seems to be composed of "melanch" + "i" + "or", integrated as it seems. "Or" is the devils version of "Ro" , the first two letters of my given name. Thus, Melianchor could mean that I (am) MELANCHOLIC ABOUT THE NEGATIVITY--influences on me against my will!!!. St. Sophistra on the other hand could mean an association with Holy wisdom this word, Sophia, meaning Wisdom. It's all a bit roughly composed, but I do claim to have been given great gifts and all entirely undeservingly. At no time during this whole period, did I ever think I was anywhere near free from sin].
Are the words suggested by my movements, and the movements of others, as well as sounds, caused by the devil. I must know. I can't make them disappear. Yes, I can. But I have to switch them off mentally. By the way, these voices are IN NO WAY similar to schizophrenic voices, which the authorities acknowledged that I have never had. [These so-called voices are at times audible like a locution, or "read" by the sanctified eye, and are sometimes communicated by infused contemplation, or by the fructifying power of the Holy Spirit.
I prayed very extensively a long time ago to stay in purgatory until the end of time for the salvation of souls. I don't think I am showing off, but I am proud. Is this good? I don't know if God is going to hold me to it but He has reminded me of it.
I have prayed not to be envious of the saints. I hope to be a child.
I agreed to let myself be tortured by the evil one -I agreed with myself. I volunteered.
I very much have the problem of the young girl with her boyfriend who says; I love you, stop! stop! stop! I love it, stop! stop! stop! I love you!!!! I am actually quite afraid of the Presence of Jesus, or the Spirit, or God. I am very defensive. I want to be in control. I actually reject God in the very word and motion of inviting Him in. I am afraid of being ravaged spiritually and emotionally. I can't force myself to freely, unfetteredly and unreservedly invite Jesus in. I always hold back. Now, I seldom see the full power of God as I sometimes have. I see illuminations on the wall which speak to me and often indicate sainthood or approval. So I go on asking for gifts for myself, others and the world. God always says He will give me something. Sometimes with my most outrageous demands, He just indicates approval, but doesn't say He granted it.
(All I do is the following: I look into space, pray my prayer and wait for the procession of the Holy Spirit. Often, I look at an object and I focus on it, but I am not cognizant of its details, shape, or colour, etc. I don't make an idol out of anything by taking an interest in it while I am praying. By both these methods, I reduce the effect and influence of distractions. However, when the Holy Spirit proceeds visibly in my field of vision, I have a great struggle not to focus on it. To concentrate or to focus my vision on the Lord, the Holy Spirit is to cause my vision to contract and the action of the Holy Spirit fades away, or out. To maintain a diffuse gaze at the air or an object, in a general way, allows the Holy Spirit to expand, grow, or act in freedom. He is very elusive and shy, but very powerful and He always gets the job done.
I was praying as usual today and, as I sometimes am, I was entranced. Small golden coloured streaks of light moved slowly through my field of vision, sometimes in curves, sometimes circular and sometimes straight; each one lasted 3 to 4 seconds. They would burn out and then another group would appear. Sometimes 4 or 5 at once. In my field of vision, they passed along a 2-foot maximum path. Each was 4 to 5 inches long. They were a bright golden colour. Interpretation: they were angels or the Lord the Holy Spirit. This experience lasted for up to 45 seconds. I firmly believe it was supernatural......and from God. Another similar phenomenon: In the past, I have seen clear, translucent or light-coloured particles dancing in the air - thousands of them at once.
In the hospital and through the window, there were thousands. Interpretation: they were angels or the Holy Spirit. There is no other possible explanation.
Some people would think that it is a natural phenomenon, but it is supernatural because it accompanies prayer and manifests the Presence of God. [I felt very well at this time]. They move in circles and are so small as to be hard to see.
I am a spiritual warrior accustomed to the rough and tumble. Rather crude and not genteel although I am of genteel stock. I reject most evil.
I would be proud if I said all evil.
I suspect I am not as honest with myself as I imagine myself to be, for the simple reason that I think I am quite honest with myself.
I find myself sometimes being caught up by others or catching myself on some logical inconsistancy. This occurs more so as time goes on.
I am starting to show signs of age with memory loss (aided no doubt by mega - doses of psychiatric drugs.) The immortal words of Andrew Marvell ring in my mind's ears:
"But at my back I always hear,
Time's winged chariots drawing near."
1- As the hart leaps across the gorge, the city bright down the mountain like a jewel during the storm.
2- As the flower of the Jack in the pulpit is cradled in it's protective nest, so am I in your arms, Oh Lord my God!
In 1987, I had a glimpse of what looked like a circle of several wings of a bird, moving in a circle on its centre, about 3 feet in diameter, on each side of the church. (St Basil's Church, Toronto, I think it was).
They were a beautiful brown colour. I was transfixed. I told the Christian girl I was with, about them. I never knew why I saw the wings. I thought they were angel's wings. They had feathers.
That girl had been very fond of me for years.
As far as I was concerned, I was in danger of falling into the kind of carnal relationship with her, that I had with a girl in the past, when I was much younger.
I did not want to lose my single state, but I was in danger of falling. Nothing untoward has ever happened.
But God, I think, was jealous for me. He saved me from a result that obviously would have been very unhappy. He saved me for Himself.
I cannot be a saint, when I am with a woman I am very attracted to. However, there are several ladies who I truly love as sisters in Christ.
I must be very careful in the future. But I am not on my own. Jesus protected, guided, and saved the two of us.
I have had Heavenly visions all evening in prayer, for the whole prayer time. God asked me to give Him, (or the All - holy Trinity), my head for a full year. I first resisted and then gave myself completely in my head and for my head.
Sealed nicely, as a bonus, with a Te Deum. "My head" probably refers to my head as the seat of the senses, not as the hippies would have us think of it, as the seat of the mind. [The mind is the seat of all thought, intellect, feeling etc., as contained in the heart.]
I don't make close friendships with many people on a commitment basis, because it takes a lot of time and effort to be a friend, and it is often very risky. I am conservative in this way. I protect myself WHEN I'M SMART, AND HAVE MORE TIME FOR PRAYER.
"Our Saviour with the wet beard", Novgorod icon, 15-16th century. (193k JPG)
I will say it once and once for all. the light I see from god is spiritual, it is not intellectual, nor is it strictly speaking, physical or material.
it looks spiritual, but it is apprehended as being very similar to physical light. However it is independent, has feelings, and character, and great knowledge and intelligence.
I see the divine light with my grace - blessed, divinized eyes.
The origin of this grace is pure gift, the time of its foundation in me unknown to me, although it requires that I be in a constant state of blessedness for it to appear regularly.
the charge of Messalianism requires that the person who claims to see god sees the divine essence by means of the bodily senses.
Now in my case, I experience with virtually all senses, except taste (perhaps I have poor taste), the light and energy of god, not god's essence.
I experience the light and energy of god as it affects the air, in particular, and also the environment, in other "mediations" as grace influences and affects objects through these modes or media in the local sensory surroundings. These effects include light and energy, but also the mediation of grace in the auditory milieu, and the real and definitely not imagined, sense of the physical touchings of grace, that leave the nerves peaceful or tingling with thrills of excitement.
You skeptics are men of little faith, but then i suppose that we are not all given the same gifts. You lie to yourselves, and worst of all, to others. you don't believe the plain truth spoken of in scripture.
The pure of heart to you are not people who see god, they are people who don't use crude language.
the divine light presents me with a light that is, proclaims itself to be, and acts exactly like, God. being a student of theology, I know this God from the bible and other sacred writings and yes, primarily from this sensible form.
This is not the messalian heresy, which is greatly overworked like quietism, both of which have some truth in them, but far more notoriety than they deserve.
The response to both these heresies has been an over-reaction to a regional problem. This is not messalianism -- it is the true, outstanding, and realistically - speaking, unimpeachable in heavenly terms, vision of God.
The Spirit (Holy, I think) said, "see the cross." Jesus' figure in porcelain was on my wall on a porcelain cross - (a crucifix, in short).
The Spirit said "solid wood. Jesus only touched a small part of it, touching with His backside, shoulders, hands, and feet.
There was a lot that never touched Him. And yet it all hurt Him." It was all working against Him.
It was pain, it was affliction, it was anguish, it was deepest suffering and it was tribulation. God gave Him up to it.
It was, and is, the normal part of many people's lives. To live and die, sometimes in torment. But this was God, sent by His Father, made of the same Substance, to suffer a sinner's, criminal's, pauper's death. FOR US.
This is just a small portion made manifest of the length and breadth of the love of God. The height is more in the next world.
Jesus submitted to the whole thing fully knowing what it would cost Him, what He would have to sacrifice. FOR ME. FOR YOU.
So on that cross, which bore the weight of our sins before they were forgiven by Jesus, He on that tree, said: - "
Father forgive them for they know not what they do" - the sins of everyone in history were forgiven, if they would only accept, in an interior movement, the Lordship of Jesus and the gift of His Kingdom by fully and honestly confessing His Name and Person..
That cross was the symbol of everything hard and oppressive - hard to fashion, hard to carry, almost impossible to hang upon - instrument of pain and anguish.
This cross was the world and its sinfulness, and Jesus was crucified to the world; the world was drawn into and crucified to Jesus.
Earth met and joined to Heaven as the gates were starting to crumble.
 |
| The Crucifixion. (34k JPG) |
This cross was material, rugged, unyielding, dead more or less, inanimate and substantially rough. It was this material world crucifying the body of the God - man.
It was the apparent victory of the material world over the spiritual. The apparently inexorable laws of physics, biology, chemistry, suffering and death, over Love, Beauty, Truth - Life (and God), God is apparently defeated at Golgotha. So they thought.
But in the tomb, Jesus' Divinity lives on. The Father and the Holy Spirit are with Him.
In a matter of 36 hours, Jesus has been transformed, renewed and by an act of Divine metamorphosis, has sprung back to life.
He is the Alpha and the Omega, and He is now basically and almost completely spiritual. He does not suffer. He glows with Light to the faithful.
He can pass through closed doors. He can travel miles in a wink of an eye by just a thought. He has a glorious Body.
The cruelties and vicissitudes of life are behind Him. Jesus was free to teach others and then finally ascend to His Father in Heaven to complete, utter and indescribable Glory.
Lets get it straight. I am not saying I am what God is looking for. God is always calling me to be what He wants me to be. You, yourself, probably say that I am not what you think a saint should be.
But I am close to God--in some ways, in union with Him. So like all of us, God takes me as raw material and moulds me into what He has planned for me.
If we can co-operate, it has always been my idea and my experience bears this out, the limits set to our growth by God do not exist.
The capacity for growth is boundless. The limits are imposed by us.
We all can become saints, even poor sick ones, like me.
You just HAVE TO WANT TO ENOUGH. In Heaven, our experience of God will be unbounded or, if you like, limitless and we are on the way there.
I have, for the past five years, often been drawn to a prayer, where the object of my prayer, myself, in this case, should at my request of almighty God, especially Jesus, have his \ her \ my eyes pierced by the Holy Spirit.
I recall several times praying for my eyes to be pierced, (or anointed, if you will), by the Holy Spirit around the time I was starting the Jesus prayer devotions, in my little room at home around 10 or 11 o'clock at night.
This, I believe, was the occasion of the first experiences I had at that time of the vision of God. I started at that precise time to be aware again of the Presence of God, first intellectually and emotionally, then visually.
I was amazed at my courage, because my whole being rebelled, not only at my being pierced by anything, but also, especially being pierced in the eyes!!! [I had trouble trusting God to pierce my eyes].
[But if you practice this prayer, don't flinch, precede this prayer with some other efficacious prayer like the Jesus prayer, be very calm and HAVE PATIENCE. It will happen in Jesus time, not in your time.
Don't panic and BE NOT AFRAID. Be on the lookout for some signs of supernatural Light.]
Also, at that time (1985 - 86), I prayed specifically from intuition, not from knowledge to see God perhaps by infused knowledge.
I believe that many other people could have their eyes enlightened or anointed, by the Spirit, if they wish.
I felt a deep blinding pain when I asked God to pierce my eyes so I might "see". But one should not mistrust God.
It is ourselves we should mistrust. If you know you are in the Presence of God, why not ask Him to pierce your eyes, and ask Him for the vision of Himself?
He can clear out the spiritual passage, from inner to outer, and sanctify your vision so you may see God's Spirit, filling the whole universe, or at least the small part of it that you are in.
When I lived on Brunswick Ave in 1976, I met the "Ancient One," as I walked. That is what He called Himself. He communicated with me through the movements of my body.
This was the first time I had been living alone in my life, for more than 4 months at a time. I stayed there for 2 years. I was quite sick with my mental illness, and over medicated (80 mgs. of Haldal daily when an average dose is 10 - 20 mg daily).
I was stupefied by the medication, groggy, half-blind, depressed and suicidal every day. I couldn't work, went to my mother's to eat, and I was so generally sick and run down that it is a wonder I could even live.
I started a dialogue with the "Ancient One". Every time I asked Him for help with my situation He said: "love it".
I really resented this at first, but I began to see the wisdom over a period of years.
As I came to terms with this command, and it WAS a command, I began to consciously try to love my situation and the people in it.
Love became a part of me in my life. Then I began to accept my situation, the first step towards dealing with it; then I began changing it and finally mastering it. I have come a long way since then.
But this kind, wise advice was so perfectly timed, and so perfectly directed at the need. It had an authoritarian tone, but would I have paid attention to anything else? A Father can be stern.
Also, at this time, I was joining the Roman Catholic Church.
I asked the Lord how my writing was going. The Lord showed me in a clear vision, without evil influence, a pine tree trunk 50 feet in the air, up close.
Out of it grew three green tendrils on a little tiny delicate branch. They were very short, maybe four or five inches long and very fine.
I took this pine tree to be the tree of the Christian faith throughout history. Obviously, I hadn't contributed much writing, but perhaps not too many contribute anything at all. Always, the optimist.
Perhaps, they will keep growing. "He will not crush the bruised reed" (Matt: 12:20).
Monday March 25, 1991
I prayed a complex series of prayers to have the wolfish part of my nature taken from me, or to be converted to be like Jesus.
I was told to wait for some time by Jesus, in the Light of the Holy Spirit. I am still waiting as I write. I guess it will take a long time.
It is to remove the part of me that is aggressive and wants to accuse, to attack, (basically, verbally or mentally), to dominate, to oppress, to argue and fight, to win at too high a cost, to be right all the time and to be a victor rather than a victim.
Jesus was a victim not a tyrant. I can sometimes lose my temper. I like the scripture that says: "The anger of man does not do the will of God." (James 1:20).
Jesus is a lamb - the lamb of God.
I am a victim, but an unwilling victim striving to be someone I am not. Really a broken down old mental patient who refuses to roll over and die -- (Based on many horrible experiences and places associated with my mental illness).
I keep pulling myself up by my bootstraps, so I won't have to accept the fact that I am broken, shattered and can't lead a normal life. I am quite successful!!!
That only the Presence of God in my life, my love, my intelligence, and my learning form the principle ways that I am not a total failure in the eyes of man and myself, more or less--(but not in God's eyes). [I am a successful failure!!!]
So God pleases me with His Presence; and so realizing that this is the greatest gift a person can ever receive from God on this earth, I leap, I rush to possess Him and to share some time with Him.
(But you cannot possess Him exclusively, He gives His whole self to each person who asks).
I truly love Him more than my life itself, but like St. Peter I know I could deny Him externally, not internally, when events conspired and I was under great pressure, or severely tempted.
[I am ashamed of this now, and very, very, often these days, I feel I could Die for Jesus].
But what if the mentally ill person, the ugly frog, is really a prince? What if he has been tending a secret garden full of exquisite flowers for his true love, Jesus Christ?
What if the world doesn't know anything about it's members? What if it judges falsely? The faceless crowd, the foreigner, the strangers in our midst.
Most of us reveal our inner selves to one or, at most, a few people. I reveal a small part of myself to my psychologist, my spiritual director, my mother, and a few friends. The rest of it is interior to me.
Now, you who read this book will know part of the truth. Recently, I have been recording about one out of three of my serious prayer experiences.
This means that two thirds of the experiences are gone. I have a very poor memory and I am always pushing on, but I know that God knows what I asked for, what went on. I don't think He remembers my sins much.
There are some He catches me up on, every time. But I think I don't sin much on a good day. A few times. Pride on my part there, I guess.
But there are hidden faults. Forgive me, and us, Lord. [July, 1992, -- While writing this book I was only able occasionally, or indeed rarely, to capture in words the Nature and Characteristics and Activities of The Almighty God apprehended, primarily visually, by myself.
He is so "BIG," or so "little," that I could never seem to find the words to describe Him. Too sublime, too ineffable to describe.
In fact, there are not in existence the words to accurately describe the fullness of the Presence of the Lord as He so often presents Himself.
For example, how would you describe spirit? What does it look like? How does it feel? O.K.. Now, how about the Spirit of God? He is too great and often too inaccessible to contemplate.]
The Lord has enlarged my heart so that more and more people of different races, tribes, and tongues can fit inside my heart with acceptance and often love.
I love the different faces and shapes of people more and more. But the pain that I feel, when I see a stranger face to face with me or hear a language with an intonation, metre, sound, and accent that are different to mine, is a sign that God has not yet finished His work of making my heart a castle, for all the peoples of the world.
We must not, sisters and brothers, get tired of expanding our narrow little hearts, used to only one language, race and culture, to become big enough and filled with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, sources of love and mercy, embrace and unite us to all men, women, children and older people and indeed all living things.
Let us be life giving and affirming. God will help us. Let us ring out our welcome. Let us incessantly pray for guidance and help.
God says:"Remember the resident alien." [This is an Apostolic view].
The whole feeling I have had for the past few days, and it fills my body and covers me like a blanket, is that God is telling me that having children has almost passed me by.
I guess it is like male menopause, but it really is an experience between God and my soul. It makes me very, very sad.
God told me on the Britannia Streetcar and in the playground of Mutchmore Public School (both in Ottawa), that I was the lamb of God in my head - a slain lamb by the way.
I was under 10 years old, perhaps 7 or 8 at the most, which means most likely 1953 or 1954 as the time of occurrence. I was very innocent and vulnerable.
I am a lot more combative now, and have ideas and thoughts that take away some of my gentleness and peace of mind.
I experienced the Divine Light on at least two occasions, in the National Museum of Canada building on McLeod Street in Ottawa.
Also, I often experienced deep prayer and the Living Waters in Ottawa, on the way home from Hopewell Avenue Public School in 1957 or 1958, while I was in grade 7 or 8.
By the way, I was born on August 18, 1946, in Westminster Hospital, London, ENGLAND. I lived on Grey Coat Street in the City of London about 15 minutes walk from Buckingham Palace, St James Park and not far from Hyde Park and speakers corner.
MARY IS SPOUSE TO EACH MEMBER OF THE MOST HOLY TRINITY. PARTHENOGENISIS.
When I entered my prayer room where I also sleep, I saw a blue colour in the room reflected from the walls.
I took this to mean that Mary was present in some way as Mary's colour is traditionally blue. I arrived at the conclusion that there was a problem with sin. I asked her what the sin was.
She spoke through visual Grace saying: "sexual sins." I asked where they were, and a cloud of white mist moved across the wall, (It was the Holy Spirit or Grace I am sure), and settled on my crucifix.
Mary said, through Grace or the Holy Spirit, that the principle sins that caused Jesus' crucifixion were sexual sins. I knew then that I had, in some real way, contributed in the past and present to Jesus' crucifixion.
I must, in the future, be more careful in thought, word and deed, not to hurt my Beloved. [No one can completely avoid sexual sin, BUT the present climate is ridiculous, very unhealthy and unwholesome.]
The Blessed Virgin Mary is Spouse to all 3 Members of the Most Blessed Trinity, for she is penetrated by the Lord, the Holy Spirit, a male act, her ovum dividing supernaturally by parthenogenesis which flesh is married in a most delectable union with the Divine Nature of the Son of God at conception;
and she is Mother of God, whose other parent, her other Spouse, is the Father of Jesus Christ or the Most Sublime, Holy, Almighty God, the Father Himself, who overshadows her.
Should not the mother and Father of so infinitely glorious a Son be spouse to each other.
Who ever heard of any different type of lawful arrangement. This marriage of Mary with each member of the Most Holy Trinity took place as a marriage to God, the complete Trinity as a Unity Herself (the Trinity is feminine), at the time of Her Fiat.
JESUS AND I CLEAVE TO YOU
HEAVEN CAN'T WAIT "
I DO THE VERY THING I HATE."
March 23, 1991, at St. Michael's Cathedral
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| Mary Magdalene meets the Risen Christ. Giotto: Noli Me Tangere. (35k JPG) |
My Magdalene heart like a whore loves You, Jesus.
I was, and still am, wanton and interiorly promiscuous, going to the Baals in my mind. Fickle, rejecting, then loving You in my adulterous heart - then rejecting You again.
Cruel, using, exploiting and plundering Your storehouse of riches meanwhile complaining, talking down, calumniating you to myself, doubting you in Your Divinity and Your Divine Temple, Your Mystical Body. BUT...
Winter and summer, I return to You each day for more support. You don't always do what I want and You often do what I don't want.
I am Your puppet. But oh the greatness of the riches at Your right hand! Your soft touch on my fevered brow.
This world will all be forgotten, like a bad dream, in Heaven. One thing I would ask is to see You on Earth here, in the flesh someday, for as long as possible. I know I am impure and unclean.
Day after day and from hour to hour, I am Your servant. Do not reject Your servant! Do not hurt the one who loves You!
Number my days with Your love and Your Glory! Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner!
Romans 7: 14 - 15. v.14 " We know that the law is spiritual but I am carnal sold under sin. v.15 - I do not understand my own actions for I do not do what I want to but I do the very thing I hate."
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| Our Lord and Mary Magdalene. (58k JPG) |
Henry Suso [The Life of the Servant] quoting from Ecclesiasticus about Divine Wisdom: "She said 'as the fair rosetree blooms and the high incense smells pure, and spreads an odour as of unmixed balsam, I am a blooming sweet-smelling, pure beloved without vexation or bitterness.
But all other lovers have sweet words and bitter guerdon; their hearts are nets of death, their hands are fetters of iron, their words are sweetened poison, their pastimes the loss of honour.' "
How true it is - I echo Henry Suso. My life has been, in part, a continual flirtation or dance with these other lovers.
And for the past 5 or 6 years, I have pursued very intensively, mystically, not exclusively but more or less continuously, my Saviour, Jesus Christ to whom Eternal Wisdom is so close.
She had preserved me from childhood as her possession alone. No one ever trapped me or caught me for very long (Heaven forbid!). She preserved me and protected the integrity of Her relationship with me in the inner rose - blood - coloured interior of my secret heart.
Only Jesus, the Holy Spirit, (and the Father), and Mary have access to secret passages into the Glory - field of my heart. May God, the Son protect me! Forever may He and Mary rest lovingly, peacefully, and contentedly in the interior of my rose - blood heart!
[ Wisdom is common to all three Hypostases of the Most Holy Trinity: The Father - God, The Son, Jesus Christ and the eternal Life - giving Lord, the Holy Spirit]
I am still carnal. I am not pure spirit, yet. The raptures and ecstacies of the ineffable visions of God are all I want. But I am also plagued by an unruly visitor in my flesh who drags me down in the underbrush with her, as if she were to have her way.
This is most upsetting. I am a prisoner in this body of death and corruption, which will not stop insisting on having it's own way.
But soon, God sets things right and gathers me to His bosom again, and transports me to legitimate delights that only God knows and can provide.
[I very strongly recommend weekly confession for the given cleansing power and Graces that contribute so much to growth.]
To those who think that the Apostles and the other witnesses of Jesus, after He had risen, were faking it and were trying to save face after Jesus' death was supposed to be a finality: let it be known that those self-same Apostles and witnesses preached and built a Church in the very teeth of the same death that took their Leader.
This courage was fed by supernatural wellsprings of love, faith and the hope inspired by the risen Jesus. Soon Stephen, the protomartyr, would sacrifice his life for his belief in Jesus, and Holy Tradition has it that all the apostles, save John, died a martyr's death.
Can you imagine so timid a group, before Jesus' death, sacrificing their very lives, almost to a man, willingly for a lie?
This man Jesus, truly did rise from the dead, proving He is God; and as the record shows, only the gullible and liars themselves amongst the unbelievers, dared to doubt or to prevaricate about the witness of so many believers and martyrs, that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and sits at the right hand of His Father in Heaven, after His glorious Ascension.
WAR, WOMEN FATALLY ATTRACTED TO THEM, THE ABSOLUTE UTTERLY AND UNUTTERABLE EVIL OF ABORTION.
WOMEN HAVE LITERALLY LOST THEIR MINDS, AND IN THE PROCESS THEIR SOULS AS WELL, THEY JOINED THE MEN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE LINE- OUR ONLY RECOURSE--THE MERCY OF GOD IN JESUS CHRIST.
The experience of contemplative prayer reveals itself to be passive, receptive and dependent on the action of God.
In particular, one waits for God for long periods of time, is often ignored, and God's Spirit penetrates one's body, soul, mind, heart and senses.
There is no doubt in my mind that the only word that comes close to actually describing the state of the pray - er is "feminine," whether the pray - er is male or female.
The only male act we have is to penetrate the Spirit of God with our word of prayer. One waits for God as for a husband to speak or return.
The experiences of women include silence, creativity, giving birth and nurturing. All four of these are present in contemplative prayer.
Silence is oh - so fundamental to contemplative prayer! Creativity is necessary to deal with the Spirit of God in new, fruitful and satisfying ways. Giving birth refers to the birth of Jesus in our souls. (Nurturing could refer to the care given to the Person, Jesus, inside us from precious germ of life to mature adult, as we grow with Him in the "womb-like" protection of our souls).
[So a man is a "she" spiritually, in these ways.][The soul is feminine whether it is that of a man or a woman.]
[It is precisely because all souls, male or female, are feminine in relation with a masculine God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) that we males need feel no shame over any implied, but not present, superiority of male over female, (or vica versa), or in other words, over either of our genders.
Do you suppose it makes one whit of difference whether we have a male or female superstructure. Jesus had a male superstructure and we are made, in the narrow sense, in the image of Him.
He is made, by the same token, as "the image of the Father" which would imply a masculine Father, which is what we would expect a Father to be.
The Holy Spirit is also masculine being the Active Principle of Godhead and impregnating Mary. However, God in His Three persons exhibits signs of nurturing, feeding, creating offspring in the woman's and other life form's "wombs:" of "hesed:" of compassion and depth of emotion, truer than a man.
It is precisely for these reasons that God, the Trinity, is considered Feminine.
And in addition, while a woman is often less educated than a man, she is by the same token usually more reasonable and stable than a man, recovering on the average, much sooner from a broken love affair than a man.
And it is for precisely these reasons that a man is at a disadvantage to a woman in that as they are both receivers from God in any of His forms, BOTH MAN AND WOMAN ARE FEMININE in their true nature.
A man because of his male physique may feel pride in being like Jesus.
But, Jesus was a man precisely because it is the more difficult of the two roads to travel, male and female.
Men because of their brutishness (on occasion) and their lack of sensitivity through living through their superior ( some might say inferior) muscle power, often if not usually, find it difficult to be naturally spiritual until they have conquered their bodies.
[ The latency period in children is there so a child may acquire a true spiritual, emotional and intellectual appreciation of Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, themselves above all, and the world around them, including their families, others, and the world and its inhabitant's.]
Men are often more involved in this world than in the next. They have an active principle that can build things, structures, organizations and nations ---- even in some cases, empires.
They kill men in war and at home, women, even children and they are the great cause of womens undoing for the women are fatally attracted to them.
Thus the women instead of choosing Jesus as a spouse in a non - sexual way, opt for the illicit carnal bed of desire that is there to lure them to their doom IE. an unwise choice in marriage.
An unplanned for and unwanted pregnancy leading to being abandonned by most young men, or an unhappy forced marriage, or worst of all, crime of crimes, the plucking untimely from the womb of the murdered baby human being, as much a person in it's soul as you or me.
So women, on the other side, men often make passable if not good husbands, good responsible fathers, excellent priests, brothers, deacons, monks and have built the structure of society as we know it today.
They lead in most aspects of industry, trade and commerce, in sports, diplomacy, higher education, the list goes on.
But all these things are of, and in, the world and women finding themselves cut off from these pursuits used to turn to love, rather than war and intrigue, especially love of family and God.
Doing thus they found their weakness to be a strength and their true power to lie in their souls.
For denied the things and castles of this earth they chose the Towers of the heavenly Jerusalem with themselves at the right hand of their leige and king, Jesus. There they took responsibility for living upright lives, building healthy, true relationships, families and a healthy society.
Now they have thrown out Jesus and the trinity, broken all of god's commandments and joined the men in the carnal mess they have made and they wonder why society is a disaster.
What they have to do is go back to the original churches that once were one at the first, that still have the sacraments, that still value virginity, the blessed virgin and the true body and blood of Christ, namely the roman catholic and eastern orthodox churches.
You women are responsible for restoring society.
You have always been the backbone of the family, the pillars of a moral society only in church, will you provide the countervailing force to the carnality of men, a role you have abdicated.
So you are female in your spiritual gender, ladies. Don't reject it.
The males are feminine just like you in their relationship to God: they just don't know it.
To put it as a joke, "there is not a real man amongst them."
They think a real man fights people, kicks them and hits them, has a lot of money which he spends liberally on everyone, has a girl on each arm. WHAT A TERRIBLE JOKE. THE IRONY OF IT!
Now I hope I have said it clearly enough in this book that this is the opposite of what a real man is.
I think I've worked it to death. Enough said except: Women be true to your god - Jesus, live by the commandments, and raise your family to love God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, yourself and your husband in that order.
If your husband is better than you they will love him more than you.
Above all be a good influence on your husband. Be faithful to him and true and raise and uplift him spiritually to the highest level you can.
You can only do that by going there yourself first. Be a good partner in marriage.
The bed has only a small amount to do with it. The marriage bed never got anyone to heaven except if the children produced in it were good.
But there have been many marriage beds that have left many people wondering if they were going to go to hell, or worse still, not wondering, after the marriage bond of fidelity had been broken, perhaps irrevocably.
April 20, 1991
In my prayer life, there are in almost all situations, juxtapositions of Light and darkness that mark my apprehensions of the visible world.
These are often in marked contrast to each other, and have varying degrees of intensity and luminosity or conversely darkness or shadow.
My initial reactions, to this typical situation that I encountered in prayer, were to say that the Light, when active and good was from God, and the darkness was evil or from the devil, when active, perverting, lying, tempting, or oppressing.
Out of the shade emerges darkness, which moves with less agility, is often in the form of huge human limbs and torso with muscles bulging and threatening, (the strong man), when illuminated and revealed by the Lord, the Holy Spirit.
The presence of the evil one is often revealed, refering to the devil, by the Holy Spirit pronouncing, visually and ineffably, the word of warning: "satan".
SOME REASONS FOR WRITING THIS BOOK
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