ATTENTION!!! CHRISTIAN MYSTICISM THE AUTHOR'S DESCRIPTION OF HIS WORK Publisher's note: We opted for textual examples, critical analysis and description rather than a large scale, graphics design - oriented preamble. Meat rather than milk sop. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT new age material. The text may seem proud as it was written while the mystical journey was at its apogee. It is filled with the exuberance and joy of the experiences of the Divine which to say the least, are unusual. One can get carried away to lofty heights of emotion and thought. One may be carried away both in the experience and in writing about it. Commentaries on this book provided later in this preamble are key excerpts based on the text of the book. This is a long preamble but through it you can discover the length, breadth and depth of this multi - faceted and many splendored work and there is ample opportunity to download a copy of the book for your self. Please satisfy yourself by reading below. This book is in Adobe Acrobat format. It is 1.3 megabytes in size so please allow for an appropriate length of time to download it. By the way, like many mystics the author will be the first to claim that he has an unusual writing style and that he shares this as common ground with other mystics, ancient and new. I am Robert Lind Defries, a Toronto author and I have written a mystical work "THE EXPERIENCE OF THE DIVINE LIGHT AND ENERGIES" - "THE SPIRITUAL JOURNAL OF ROBERT LIND DEFRIES." It greatly illuminates the experiences of the Divine - human mystical marriage and profound visual exposure to the Divine Light that I experienced through, with and in, Jesus Christ during the years 1985 to 1995. I think there has seldom been a marriage of the theologies of the Eastern and Western Churches, such as captures the supernatural apprehension of the uncreated Divine Light by my external eyes, and the ineffable spiritual marriage between myself and Jesus Christ. This spiritual marriage, complete with vows and wedding bands made of pure Spirit, instituted and formalized a union that Christ has promised never to break. The true nature of the relationship is the preserve of Jesus Christ, while II the most obvious and self - evident manifestations of the Presence of God show the indissoluble bond observed between myself and Jesus. I contain the great golden yellow Light of God's glory in my head and body, for the grace filled eye to see. In truth, I have these great graces and gifts of which I say I definitely am not worthy. I have also had the gift of the ineffably speaking Divine Light in major forms from time to time for most of my life. I probably have it because of the considerable suffering I have endured throughout most of my life, plus my modest faith and the well accomplished purity of my early life. I would be the first person to admit that I am in process (a very blessed and unwarranted process by the way.) Spiritual pride is always a threat. I know I am not great but I know that God is great because of His wonderful gifts to me that I do not deserve at all. I have been and remain, a sinful person throughout the passage of this story : Witness the miasma of truth and untruth that undergirds everyone's conception of reality. Jesus is the Truth but the truth is often hidden: It is often hidden and we lie to ourselves. Morally, I can only say utterly truthfully, "mea culpa and Christ have mercy." The accounts of the sensual encounters between the author and Jesus, in the Lord the Holy Spirit, cover grounds that are landmarks and should long ago have been revealed by contemplatives and recognized as being normative, not taboo. However, Jesus' person was never tangible and there was little activity, only great awareness, with just the slightest psychological reflexes on my part. I proclaim validly that I never have had a day in the past nine years in which I failed to see the responsive Divine Light, at least a modicum. There are dark nights of the senses and spirit and these dark nights are filled with pain and sorrow - but Oh, the Glory that shines through and illumines my entire world when God so wills it! The physical vision of the Divine Light is one goal of Eastern Church contemplation, a view that is to a fair degree in contrast to that of St. John of the Cross. However St John of the Cross and the Western Church exert a very strong influence on this book through my reading, and especially in relation to my spiritual marriage to Jesus. God is no respecter of traditions and Churches, and also of persons, it seems. In my descriptions, the revelations involving the reception of several names III of considerable degrees of blessedness, are expressed through the supernatural Spirit of God. This is done visually by the Spirit (through my external eyes), speaking of profound gifts given through my prayer - life such as: "son of God," UNCANONIZED "sainthood," "god" (small"g"), and "very god" or "true god." These gifts have been received in spite of some very real, human frailties. One may never attain canonization but God makes saints, not man. Also, "God became man so that man might become God." (See St Athanasius and almost all the Eastern Church Fathers as well as many Western Saints.) To be trite, none is perfect, except God. I am a practicing Roman Catholic layperson with graduate, theological training. My book is addressed as notes to four spiritual directors that I consulted over a period of ten years. Between them, these men possess six doctorates, so I am blessed by erudite advice and highly informed commentary. Like some spiritual men and women, I am basically simple, possessing God in part and being possessed by God in whole, leaping the mountains and yet often doing battle with some fearsome denizen of the deep. I believe that you will find this book to be nothing less than the autobiography of a modern-day, contemplative anchorite, to a substantiated, yet objectively unknown degree blessed above the norm and yet who has been constantly and thoroughly humbled through weakness, frailty and sinfulness. I am told it makes a very interesting read. I am supportive of the Churches, East and West. The influences most at play on me in order of importance are: 1. in equality, The Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches and 2. The Eastern Catholic Churches. They have far more in common than they admit, all being at one time, one Church. Naively perhaps, but with great hope, I long for eventual church unity. It has been well received. Some superficial quotes in favour include: "fascinating," "this book leads you to Jesus," and "Mr. Defries has been in a place where few men have been before." Look ahead for several reviews in this web site of this work from a variety of sources including: a university professor of theology, a lecturer in theology, a parish priest, a profound mystic, a generic Christian well read in Evangelical, Roman Catholic and Orthodox Christian Doctrine, and a woman whose occupation is social work but who brings a wealth IV of familiarity about me . Theirs are kind words, no doubt, but fame is fickle, fleeting and very dangerous. I don't believe much of what I hear about myself because I know my sins and then, only some of them. In truth, these days (1994) I feel more abased by my sins than elevated by my overwhelming experiences of the Most Holy Trinity (I am in the dark night of the spirit.) God lifts us up only to cast us down. BUT OH, WHERE I HAVE BEEN!!! I do know that it was hard work. There are some historically significant dialogues (e.g.: knowledge or prophesy on the local and international level) between the members of the Most Holy Trinity and myself as well as some personal dialogue that may well turn out to be significant in the personal, historical sense. I have seen things that few westerners, of whom I am aware, have written of in the first person, for centuries, because few persons have experienced the Divine in this manner. Some of these experiences are realities that most likely no one will ever see on this earth except me. I share them with you as Jesus' gift to you, through me. May it help you better to pray and may Jesus bless your prayer life so that you may mount upon eagles' wings into the very heart and soul of Jesus Himself, to indescribable Lightened Glory. [ I have consistently had some very nasty scrapes with the dirty old devil, or mr. d. as I jokingly call him to ridicule him.] This is a big book filled with mystical Christian wisdom from the mouth of God, Himself: It encompasses Christian mystical experience and mystical theology especially, but also includes anecdotes, discursive material, lectures or homilies, very interesting poetry and some of the most profound prayer known to me. The prayer is often repetitive ( the Jesus Prayer), but it is only reflective of a prayer life that at times was active for as long as 17 hours a day. The book could be used as a manual, in the way I used historical, Christian, mystical writings, to grow. This book reflects a partial but totally representative part of my spiritual life, during the period, 1985 -- 1994. It captures the essence of my spiritual life in whole. The work can be critiqued but the proof of the pudding is in the eating and this creation reads like a recipe book to the Christian mystical life. Here are a few passages from the text. ENJOY IT!!! If you have found something or the promise of something of interest perhaps you would be interested in looking at...going forward! V TEXTUAL EXCERPTS SPIRITUAL MARRIAGE - JESUS CHRIST, THE SON. [IMPORTANT NOTES: My TRUE, REAL, marriage ceremony at an unknown date and time around 1987-1988, in St. Michael's Roman Catholic Cathedral , Toronto, Canada, included the exchange of spiritual rings. While on my knees in front of the Blessed Sacrament exposed on the altar and in deep prayer with great power and activity of the Holy Spirit and with what may have been angels or Grace streaming from the revealed Host in the monstrance, two large rings were apparent. Each was about six feet across made of some spiritual material glistening like platinum on the right-hand side of God in the monstrance. Jesus and I exchanged many vows eternally, while Jesus' words were being ineffably communicated by the great waves of Golden and Silver Spirit that were sweeping down on me. After the mutual exchange of vows, the first ring came toward me and shrinking in size as it approached slipped onto one of the fingers of my hand (my right hand). I participated in the only way I could, by willing the ring to slip on my finger. I also participated in putting the other ring on Jesus' finger. I willed with my mind that the other ring (that I was putting on Jesus' finger) would approach Him and slip onto His finger. The ring grew smaller and smaller until it appeared to be in place. At no time was there any sight of Jesus' body. The Holy Spirit and the angels were there. So was Jesus, but I couldn't see him. I could talk to Him and the Holy Spirit answered. Or was it Jesus in the Holy Spirit? My vows were as extravagant, wild, and lavish, as any lover promised (her) spouse anywhere and anytime, promising Him things that only one in love would have the mind to do or the nerve. I promised to give Him everything. I threw myself at Him. We were married amidst the greatness of the Glory of God. I was flabbergasted. The outpouring of Love and the Glory of God left me awestruck and filled with the Holy Spirit. I was alone in the church. I kept thinking: "can this have happened to me?" I decided to tell no one, not even my spiritual director. My soul was filled with the Light of God. I was "blinded" by VI the Light. I still to this day don't know any more than approximately when this took place or the details of what happened, because I kept no written records of this once-in-a-lifetime experience. I would gladly have given up the entire remainder of my life, just to have this experience. I thought that to write it down would take away from the profound purity of the occasion. In addition, I thought that my spiritual director at the time would ridicule me. Finally, I wasn't about to let the lascivious eyes of the world sully my memories. I have re-considered. "SAINT" December 16, 1990 - 10:29 P.M. Today, I have decided to let you know a secret which I have not yet recorded. I have many experiences that tell me the same things over and over again; the same themes are revealed in the Light and by the streams of Living Water. Here is one of several that happened today with the same theme. I was in St. Michael's Cathedral today before Mass, in touch visually with a very powerful and responsive Holy Spirit. We had been in touch for a span of 10 to 15 minutes and we were getting much closer together. I looked and saw Light streaming down the body of the church from the monstrance above the tabernacle. This Light stream was communicating its words of identity: "Jesus Christ". Along the floor of the cathedral, leading from the area of the tabernacle, there was a stream of Light joyously bubbling along about 2 to 3 feet high, which ran up against the front of the first row of pews where I was kneeling. It ran directly to me, and ended at my knees, where I was praying. I don't know if it passed through the wood of the pew. This bubbling Light formed clearly and distinctly for a period of 2 or 3 seconds, the word, "saint". Then there was a break followed in 2 seconds by the word, "Robert". This remained for 2 or 3 seconds and then faded out. Now I know, with no doubt whatever, that this was God speaking. Jesus is the Light of the world. It has happened similarly or nearly the same on, at least, 100 other occasions. I can't, at this time, see how I ever could be canonized. Indeed, it seems ridiculous. Who would pursue my cause? I do no great works VII of mercy, except prayer. Prayer is my strong point. I really think that it is impossible that I will ever be known, much less recognized, and my cause pursued. So it doesn't really matter. God says I am a saint. I am a saint in Heaven and that is where it really counts. Perhaps, it means to be one of the company of Heaven. Or is it, as St Paul refers to it, like one of "the saints in Jerusalem." [I know now that it is a specific title for a member of a very spiritually advanced group of people in Heaven. Not just a member of the company of Heaven, but a much smaller group, with a much higher status in Heaven. Saints are made in Heaven, and SOMETIMES recognized on Earth. Also, Jesus has said, time after time, that I am only a saint in my prayer - life] [See " The Mystical Theology of the Eastern Church" by Vladimir Lossky.] SOME EXTRAORDINARY GIFTS: “ VERY SAINT OF VERY SAINT” Saturday, June 15, 1991 I prayed for myself to be through Jesus, with Jesus and in Jesus, and then I prayed for Jesus to be through me, with me and in me. Then I prayed for the Lord, the Holy Spirit to be through me, with me and in me, while we were both through, with and in Jesus. I also put myself through, with and in the Lord, the Holy Spirit. Then, I prayed for myself, Jesus and the Lord the Holy Spirit (who were in myself, and I in the Lord, the Holy Spirit, who was in the Lord Jesus), to put us through, with and into God, the Father. I also put God, the Father through, with and in me and Jesus, and the Lord, the Holy Spirit until the four of us were through, with and in each other. The whole process was part of the process of the ultimate consummation of the union of myself and the All Holy Trinity. This was all done in the ten minutes, after receiving communion at St. Michael's Cathedral. At the end, I was told that I had become, and was: "very VIII saint of very saint", (this reads, "true saint of true saint".) Afterwards, God told me that I had the top part of the rung (of the ladder) to go, and that I would become: "Most High Saint of the Lord God," (one of them, I assume. I think there are a number of them). In case you think I am crazy or possessed, please be aware that I have had 4 spiritual directors with 6 doctorates between them and that I am a part-time graduate student at the Faculty of Theology, St Michael's College, The University of Toronto. Then, there is the obvious sanity of the largest bulk of the material in this book, rationally presented, if in a mystic mode. Finally, be aware that the parts of the book, which some people may question, are not fabricated by my mind or imagination, but they are WHAT I HAVE RECEIVED FROM THE HAND OF GOD. SOME MORE EXTRAORDINARY GIFTS - THE FATHER Sunday Morning, June 16, 1991, 2:07 A.M. I prayed tonight to be "a Most High Saint of Almighty God," as I had been requested by God, the Father earlier, the day before. There was a lot of Light at first. I prayed first to the Father, Son, Holy Spirit and the Most Blessed Holy Trinity and then to the Lord Jesus, the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the Most Blessed Holy Trinity. The Lord, when I was finished, shone through the Light of the Holy Spirit, the words: "Now you are God's friend there, too," meaning the FATHER'S friend in Heaven. All I can say is, "We'll understand bye and bye." A bit later, the Lord appeared as a soft white Light around the crucifix. I began to insistently demand to know what I was, "there" (in Heaven). Jesus repeatedly said: "St. Rob". Finally, I guess I broke Him down, because a large ball of yellow light rose out of the picture I have of Mary and the infant Jesus, and went in a semicircular arc up to my right. It said very powerfully: "very god" (read -"true god" - small "g" god). Then there was a refusal to comment on it for several minutes by God, but the Presence of the Lord was most beautiful and IX most powerful. As it died away, I asked the Lord what I was in Heaven. I was told I was "a most high saint", one of them I think. There are a number of them. He revealed that I was in the inner ring of those that minister to God in Heaven around His throne. NB I was not the closest one to Him, however. [I had already learned that there will be a rotation in Heaven, so a variety of people get their turn--sort of like the rotation of priests in the temple in Jerusalem.] Whether or not this will be the eternal situation is not known to me. Actually, one becomes a "god," or "divinized," in the sense of being "Christified". We are made in the image of Christ, who is the image of the living God, (the Father). So we are made "in the image of the image," as one writer puts it. Divinization is union with Christ. To quote St. Paul: "every man is called to become fully mature in Christ"(Col. 1:28); and he adds that the faithful: "have come to fullness of life in Him" (Col. 2:10); (and) he urges the faithful to show that they are attaining "the mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ" (Eph. 4:13) and to acquire "the mind of Christ" (1 Cor. 2:16) and "the heart of Christ"( Eph. 3:17) etc. [See Panayiotis Nellas, Deification in Christ]. This is Christification. This means "to partake of the Divine Nature" not to be a God, equal in deity to God, or Jesus, or The Lord the Holy Spirit. It is to derive one's status, not to be independant: it is to share in the love of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit explicitly and mystically, as expressed to each other and more diffusely to the rest of creation MUCH LATER - THE LORD, THE HOLY SPIRIT Jesus said he WOULDN''T make me His best friend in Heaven, besides Mary, His Father, and the Lord, the Holy Spirit. I was crushed. I broke down for a short while. It was a very emotional moment. I love Him so much. (Bear with me, I know it's mushy). Eventually, I asked something like: "what is left for me?" Jesus indicated the Lord, the Holy Spirit. He revealed that I had often called the Lord, the Holy Spirit: "Jesus". In the feeling of the moment, I asked if I could be the best friend of the Lord, the Holy Spirit in Heaven. The Lord, the Holy Spirit spoke sharply: "maybe". I took a guess " Can I be a great pneumatophore {or "Spirit Bearer"}in Heaven", I asked? "Granted now (this X day)," (the Holy Spirit) replied. Now the Lord, the Holy Spirit didn't say eternally or sempiternally, or whatever, for how long this will take place. To be sure, I am very confused by these revelations. The chances are several million to one in favour, that I AM NOT BEING DECEIVED ABOUT THIS. [The Holy Spirit bearing Jesus was very obvious. I can't quite believe that I am so blessed, but God spoke clearly and unequivocally. I usually pray to Jesus in the Lord, the Holy Spirit - the Spirit is the vehicle for God's Word.] [My spiritual director at that time has 4 doctorates and is an international scholar on eastern church mysticism. I remembered St. Teresa of Avila saying she would take a learned man over a devout man as a spiritual director every day. He turned out excellently] A VARIETY OF COMMENTS BY SEVERAL REVIEWERS The following are the opinions and sentiments of the Right Reverend, Mitrophoric Archpriest, Petro B. T. Bilaniuk: S.T.B., Dr. Theol., Dr. Phil., C.D.S.P., D.D., L.F.I.B.A. He is a Professor of Theology and Religious Studies at St. Michael's College, The University of Toronto and is an Honourary Canon of the Ukrainian Catholic Archeparchy of Lviv. The author of 12 books, and also 160 articles to learned journals, encyclopedias and collections, he was my director and mentor for four years, at the apex of my mystical life. Father Petro's knowledge and experience are the foundation of his spirituality, and are unsurpassed, perhaps anywhere, in the Eastern Catholic Churches to the best of my knowledge. Quoting Father Bilaniuk, with his version of my work, he endorses this book by issuing his agreement and collaboration as follows: "Robert Lind Defries has written a spiritually unique book. Like some writers in the Eastern Orthodox tradition, he has the vision of the Divine Light. This is revealed to him through his anointed physical eyes. It is also apprehended intellectually, carrying in it a potentially infinite number of ideas, intuited as words and sentences." "The significance of this cannot be underestimated. Only writers such as St Maximos the confessor, Pseudo - Dionysius and St. Symeon the New Theologian have written in this mode. Mr. Defries is definitely not the theologian these men are, but his mystical experiences are often almost identical to theirs." XI "An excellent example of Mr. Defries' major Divine encounters is his spiritual union with Jesus Christ. This occurrence is so sublime that it is obviously true and it puts him in the company of a select few, who have recorded such events. He is quick to point out that he deserves nothing." "The author of the book was a willing directee. I recommend his book, and its uncounted, often profound, mystical events, to anyone interested in the Christian mystical tradition. It is very well worthy of the genre." Petro Bilaniuk Toronto, May 5, 1994 A mystic of the Western Church who has the interior vision of the Trinity and who desires anonymity in the interests of his peace, writes: "I have had many times the Word from the Lord Himself that this man's experiences are real, valid and true. Robert is absolutely honest. I have known him for over 12 years. He has a wide range of experiences in life, so he is not a narrow - minded mystic. He has been a spiritual director to me informally, especially in my formative years as a Christian mystic. His spirituality is genuine, built on the appropriation of ideas from great Christian, mystical writers. Virtue is acquired from constant effort and so it is in the case with Robert Defries. By the way, he has faults like everyone. It is fascinating to read about the displays of the Divine Light which Robert experiences. I myself, have a visual, "verbal" relationship with the Trinity which in some ways parallels Robert's experience of the Divine. God speaks to both of us. Some people like to read the diaries of famous people that reflect their lives, but this diary reflects the Divine Life. I found the account of the Mystical Marriage between Robert and Jesus to be fascinating and other - worldly. His poetry is very original and proceeds from a unique perspective. It is very valuable and precious to read. In Robert's case, his emotional life is greatly enhanced by his spiritual life. We teach each other about the Will of the Lord. We both ardently desire Church unity. The experience that Paul Coates,{B.A., B.ED., M. Div.: Part - time XII theology lecturer, full - time religion teacher and Christian, recording artist} has of Mr. Defries' book is one of communion and ecclesia. He recounts: "The words contained in this book speak of a profound relationship. What happens to the soul when Christ touches it? Like a lover who responds to the beloved, a communion presides over the two, engendering a very real and unique conversation. A 'knowingness' exists, a spontaneous communication. This book of stories from beyond the veil, abides in that communication, and like the mystics of old, the author attends the experience with honesty and care. Mr. Defries journeys to a rare and wonderful place, and then comes back to share with the Christian community. Most do not attempt a mystical venture, but for those who do, their experience allows the Divine to inform and deepen our community's faith and prayer. This book affirms and anoints our identity as children of God. It highlights the truth that God is unbelievably attracted to us, and has called us to closeness and spiritual availability. The pages of this book will cause you to ponder your own mystical call and the life of Christ within you. Father Michael King has a completely different view. Perhaps because of the constraints of his office, he writes: "In seminary, we were taught to view all forms of alleged mystical phenomena with 'open - minded scepticism' that is, 'to be open - minded generally but cautious of individual's claims of mystical phenomena.' So my training dictates that I reserve judgement on Mr. Defries' work. I would react in the same way to the claims of St. Teresa of Avila or Sr. Faustina. Their theology is sound, but I think some of their experiences may be natural, not from God." But then he says: "What I must do however, is to testify to the fascination this book exerts on me. To get a long look at the workings of another person's soul, especially in realms so deeply personal as that soul's relationship with God is something truly remarkable.. Mr. Defries writes with considerable intelligence and not a little humour. His knowledge of the Churches' Eastern Fathers and mystics is quite remarkable and his honesty regarding himself is open, transparent and refreshing. Anyone with an interest in the psychology of religious experience would do well to read this book as it is the deeply personal account XIII of one person's relationship with God and the wonderful and wise revelations of a large soul." Rolf Koster, generic Christian, engineer and survivor writes: " Robert Defries has written a mystical book that will inspire wonder among the faithful. There is a lot in it. This is a book for believers! It is a unique book even in the genre of spiritual literature. . . . the book is coherent throughout. One can open it up anywhere and make sense of it." "Defries shows much skill in a large range of contexts, knowledge and literary styles. Appearing to have an [obvious motivation] to his prose, he scampers up and down Jacob's Ladder effortlessly, questioning the public's views, e.g.: Who IS and who IS NOT sane? What is true, eternal reality? Can we see God? Does a saint know who he or she is? Robert puts on an exhibition of science and literary skills about contemplation as the Art of arts and the Science of sciences" Elizabeth Williams, (B.A.. Psych. E.C.E. Cert. a woman's counsellor and a childhood friend of the author) reviews his book as follows: "In THE EXPERIENCE, Robert Defries combines mysticism and it's incumbent suffering with the realities of daily life, in a highly readable, humorous and touching account of his spiritual encounters. He leads us on a mind and soul searching journey as he wrestles and struggles with his religious relationships, his spirituality, his loneliness. He is convinced, usually, of his mystic enlightenment, of his relationship with God, but is plagued by the labels and doubts of those around him. This leads to a rollercoaster ride between certainty and confusion. His readers will relate to his suffering, especially at the loss of his girlfriend and the dark times he feels God has forsaken him. They will also be lifted by his bursts of confidence. Do we not all go through these phases for various reasons? This humanity keeps our image of Robert grounded in reality while he is exploring his mystical and spiritual life." "Robert's girlfriend left him feeling abandoned and without hope. Gradually over many years and through countless trials, this hope has been restored XIV through faith and a fulfilling relationship with Jesus. This relationship is hardly smooth sailing any more than a conventional marriage. Robert suffers through considerable mood swings depending on his perceptions of his relationship with Jesus. On this journey, we also witness Robert's struggle with the tempter." "He delves into his early years as well as recent happenings as he describes his growth as a mystic. Clearly, from his youth onwards, he has been destined to seek a spiritual liaison or marriage. People take second place to his relationships with the Divine. His life as a contemplative has brought some suffering and confusion, but also exhilarating and wonderful visions and experiences that he shares with us openly, honestly and vividly. By the end of the book, Robert's spiritual director feels he may be enduring the dark night of the spirit with the anticipation of a joyous resolution." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Experience of the Divine Light and Energies: The Spiritual Journal of Robert Lind Defries was written to reach the largest audience possible. The book is free and it is not meant that there should be a moral or financial barrier between downloading and keeping a copy of the book by anyone who wishes to do so, especially in cases of need where really present. The notes took ten years to compile and the writing of the book and the editing took three years. XV "A BOOK OF CHRISTIAN MYSTICISM" Once known as “THE EXPERIENCE OF THE DIVINE LIGHT AND ENERGIES:” THE SPIRITUAL JOURNAL OF ROBERT LIND DEFRIES EDITED BY ANDREW BLAKE SECOND EDITION XVI LEEDS EDITORIAL & PUBLISHING WORKS XVII COPYRIGHT © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1999,2000-2005 ROBERT LIND DEFRIES ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This book contains the very occasional use of modified or fictitious names, titles, identities, places, events, and dates on rare occasions, to protect the innocent and the guilty, without implying either. Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data Defries, Robert Lind, 1946- The experience of the divine light and energies : the spiritual journal of Robert Lind Defries Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 0-9697192-1-3 1. Mystical union. I. Blake, Andrew, 1952- . II. Title. BT767.7.D44 1993 248.2'2 C93-094180-2 XVIII " TO MY FAITHFUL MOTHER AND FATHER" XIX AUTHORS PREFACE In 1985-6, I was living in Toronto when I approached Father Bob Whyte for spiritual direction. At the same time, I was enrolling in the Faculty of Theology, St. Michael's College, University of Toronto, as a part - time graduate student, which I remained for several years. Soon, sensing the lure of the Jesuits and their refined knowledge, I joined Father Roger Yaworski S.J. in spiritual direction. Later as my studies took an Eastern Christian turn (for the better), I saw Father Robert Barringer C.S.B., an expert on Eastern Christianity. He decided to leave the university for a post as President of St. Joseph's College in Edmonton, Alberta. So in 1989, I joined my spiritual director and mentor that I have to this day, Father P.B.T. Bilaniuk, an Eastern - Rite Catholic Mitrophoric Arch-priest. All these men deserve a tremendous vote of thanks from me, and get it absolutely and wholeheartedly: Father Bob Whyte for his patience and love; Father Roger Yaworski for his piercing intelligence and quick mind; Father Robert Barringer for his great learning and adherence to principles; and last and most important, Father Petro Bilaniuk for the place he has in my heart, for his kindness and the great man that he is. In addition, I must thank the Faculty of the Toronto School of Theology for their interest in my development as a student, especially Mrs. Wilma Stoyanoff, secretary at St Mike's. The two people who have supported me most during the writing of this book are Kevin and Fran Hammond. Kevin is one of my best friends and his wife Fran is the very patient and interested wielder of a wordprocessor, on which this book was substantially produced. They are both so nice and so basically kind, and they said they wanted to do it as a favour for me. I could ask no more of friends than Fran and Kevin. Thanks should be given also to their 4 children: Sarah, Bradley, Mark and Emily for lending me their mom and being so delightful. In addition, my appreciation goes out to 2 young ladies who helped type the manuscript. They are in order of appearance: Alice Leblanc and Christine Shaw. An expression of gratitude must also go out to the late Dom John Main C.S.B. and his friends at the Benedictine Priory. A great deal of appreciation is expressed to Father Joseph MacDonald for teaching me the Jesus Prayer. My friends who practice Eastern Christian meditation and who have supported me include; Koci Radeff, Jim Brown, Peter Lamb, Roberto and Kim Chiotti, and Julie Gardiner. They form the nucleus of a network of pray-ers. Others who have inspired me or offered friendship include Julian Maxwell with his insightful comments, Emily Povh for her constancy, Paul Coates with his quick wit, Rev. James Beall, with his abiding friendship and Jim Kelly, my former fellow community member, and a good friend. Frank Robinson has for 7 or 8 years now been the key to my mental health and I love him like a brother. Father Michael King has long been a very good quality friend, and his love has kept me honest. Respect and admiration are proffered to my excellent proof - reader and editor, Andrew XX Blake, for his fine work. My mother, Jean Defries, and my brother, David, his wife, Roslyn, and their daughter, Lauren, are all the heart and soul of my life. Without them, this book would never have been or seemed possible. Finally, to praise, laud, and magnify the Most Holy Trinity, I offer in the Holy Spirit, through the Son, to the Father, this book and all its effects in thanksgiving for its creation, my life, and the life of all who read it or helped to influence its creation. Robert Lind Defries, July 17, 1992. Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Editor's Preface After reading and editing the manuscript for this book concerning the mystical experiences of Robert Defries, I wish to report that I, Andrew Blake fully believe and support him and his experiences. I am a Charismatic Catholic, a student at the Toronto School of Theology and a technical writer. I was under diabolical attack while editing this book, especially on the last two days. I feel the devil may have been trying to subvert the publication process of this good book. I, myself have felt many of the mystical experiences that he has seen through the power of the Holy Spirit. Examples are the spirit raining down upon me and the feeling of electricity which the Holy Spirit endows a pneumataphore. Indeed, anyone who has been baptized in the Holy Spirit will likely have experienced these phenomena through their different senses. However, I do not have Robert's incredible mystical vision. Jesus gives us all different gifts, but the same spirit (1 Corinthians 12: 4 paraphrased). I have preserved many of the idiosyncracies of Robert's writing in the interests of authenticity, as requested. Andrew Blake, January, 1993. NOTE!! IF YOU SO WISH, PLEASE READ "APPENDIX A" - "NOTES ON THE TEXT" AT THIS POINT FOR INFORMATION ON UNDERSTANDING THE WAY THE BOOK IS COMPOSED. IT WILL SERVE TO CLARIFY MANY STYLISTIC AND CONCEPTUAL PRACTICES IN WIDESPREAD USE THROUGHOUT THIS UNIQUE BOOK. SIMILARLY READING "APPENDIX B" "FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE SPIRITUAL DIRECTORS" COULD PROVE USEFUL FOR VERIFYING THE AUTHENTICITY OF THE MATERIAL PRESENTED IN THE BOOK. XXI 1 INTRODUCTION The theologies of the Eastern Catholic Churches and Eastern Orthodoxy contain a great number of similarities. Their concepts of Trinity, Christology and Marianology are all somewhat similar. They worship God and strenthen themselves with almost identical Divine Liturgies. The principal difference is found in the creed where Catholicism includes the filioque. Also the Roman and Eastern Rite Catholic Churches have accepted and adopted the Dogmas of the Immaculate Conception and the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, which are not accepted as Dogmas by the Orthodox Churches, especially the Dogma of the Immaculate Conception. This is, of necessity, a very, very superficial look at an almost hopelessly complex topic. Nevertheless, it serves to initiate us into several of the major, historical areas of concern in a study of the Churches, Eastern and Western. In addition, there are some differences in the concepts of Grace, eschatology and the possibility and nature of theosis or divinization in the East, (sometimes incorrectly called deification). The nature of theosis is very different in the East. The idea of theosis is central to the basic beliefs and assumptions that underlie this book. Without the belief that the Divine Light could indeed be seen corporeally by the praying person (myself), there would be no basis for this book. In particular, if this book was not based on the writings of the Eastern Fathers of the Church prior to the schism and also on the writings of later saints and Fathers of the Orthodox Church [as well as Western sources], there would be no way to validate my experiences. This book is also based on a substantial tradition that has its roots in the very gospel of Jesus Christ in the New Testament, and in Orthodoxy's concept of Trinity. Theosis or divinization is a divine plan: "God created man in His image from the beginning, showing His love for you by a figure. If you obey His solemn 2 injunctions and become a good imitator of Him who is good, you will become like Him and will be honoured by Him. For God is no cheapskate; and He made you a god for His own Glory." (St. Hippolytus of Rome). St. Athanasios wrote "God became man so that we might become Gods". Another definition of theosis: "It is the adoption of man, his participation in the incorruptibility of God and his mixture with the divine nature in indescribable Glory and blessedness." [St. Anastasios Sinaites Concerning the Word]. The process of theosis is realized gradually by our transformation into children of God. We are bathed in the Divine Light interiorly and/or exteriorly, and we can achieve high degrees of sanctity such as sainthood. The vision of God is the sister of theosis. During the process of theosis, we achieve the vision of God. One of the primary vehicles for this vision of God in Orthodoxy is the Jesus prayer. This Jesus prayer is a Hesychastic practice (Hesychia meaning stillness). It is none other than the form of prayer that has its roots in some of the earliest forms of Christian contemplation. The Jesus prayer involves repetitively saying to oneself and to God what some people call a "mantra". This "mantra" is a Christian prayer. The purpose of saying the "mantra" is to shut down the processes of thinking and imagining. This allows one to achieve a state where one is at peace in the Presence of God, free to receive or experience true Reality as it were, whatever God may bring to him or her. The saying of the mantra does not make one mindless: one remains aware, even more so than before, of the changes taking place in and around one and even in eternity, in the mind of God as we experience Him. One surrenders control of one's body and mind to the Most Holy Trinity by staying absolutely still and saying the mantra which, in turn, stills the mind. In this stillness, we encounter Jesus and the Spirit of God. We come into union with the Lord, in a sharing of His Divinity, as effusions of Spiritual Light are experienced interiorly or exteriorly. And we "become" that Light. We "share" Jesus' Divinity with Him. The degree of Holiness arrived at by the great mystics, saints and visionaries 3 can be achieved by the practical step of saying the "mantra" in a humble way, from the beginning to the end of your prayer each day, regardless of what God gives you. The mantra, which I use and which is mentioned in one form in the gospels, is "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of (the living) God, have mercy on me a sinner". It can be said in a variety of postures with a variety of breathing techniques. It is said repeatedly and is quite safe in normal use. It can be said with one's eyes open or closed. This, very briefly, is the Jesus prayer. Through this prayer one puts oneself in the Presence of the Most Holy Trinity. Jesus will come in the Spirit of God to the praying person and, in time, will establish a relationship with him/her, will bathe him/her, and will illuminate the person's mind by, with, and in, His Divine Light and Energies. (In the Orthodox Churches, this is considered to be done by part of the Energies of God and not by the Essence, which remains forever above and beyond our experience.) The scripture passage that most clearly demonstrates that the apostles could see the Divine Light with their eyes is the account of Jesus' transfiguration on Mt. Tabor (see Matt 17: 1 - 8, Mark 9: 2 - 8, Luke 9: 28 - 36). There are at least 262 separate occurrences of the word light in the Holy King James Bible. Of these, 130 possibly, may refer to light other than the Light of the Most Holy Trinity. There are therefore at least 130 separate verses using the word Light, as it is related directly to the Most Holy Trinity. In addition there are very many uses of "enlighten, enlightened, lighten, alight, lightest, lighteth, lighting and lights." (See Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible). As is mentioned elsewhere in my book, Archbishop Basil Krivoshein is quoted as saying several times that some people can see the Divine Light and Energies with their eyes illuminated by the power of the Holy Spirit. [See the second page of the chapter entitled, "Saint".] He substantially agrees with St. Gregory Palamas, who is the architect of the modern Orthodox theory and theology of the Divine Light and Energies. This 4 theory explains the relationship between the Divine Light and Energies and the individual and how the individual is divinized. However, it will be noted that the usual mode of awareness of the Divine Light and Energies is interior, while the eyes of the praying person are lightly closed. This is how most people praying the mantra experience them. But a few see it with their eyes open. had the ability on occasion to se e th. e. .D.i.v.in.e. .L.ig. h. t. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . with open eyes. I am pleased to say this is my USUAL mode. When I asked my spiritual director Father P.B.T. Bilaniuk, what to think of this Grace, he said "It is a very, very, great Grace". When I also said that: "one can't earn it or deserve it", he agreed. So, there should be no room for pride. God will carry on a personal relationship with anyone who approaches Him wholeheartedly. Each person has a unique relationship with God. He never appears to us exactly the same way twice, or to two different people in precisely the same way. If you have decided to read this book to share in my experiences of the nature and mind of God, I trust you will not be disappointed. If you are happy with the revelations and experiences given to me, then I hope you will, with courage and faith, proceed to establish and make sure of your own relationship with Jesus and the other members of the most Holy Trinity. In a similar way if you choose to be a doubter or a scoffer, I would urge you to investigate more fully, the tradition that underlies this form of spirituality. A tradition, that is rooted in the life of Christ, the testimony of Paul and the other writers of the New Testament epistles, it forms a substantial basis of the writings of most of the Fathers of the Church and continues through the centuries. At the present time, it is the foundation of the Orthodox experience of God and it is increasingly followed by larger and larger numbers of Roman Catholics. One person, a Roman Catholic Benedictine monk, who substantially helped to develop this kind of spirituality in the west was, and I guess still is, Dom John 5 Main. He helped on all levels to form my own spirituality. He died in the early 1980's, leaving a considerable number of published tapes. All the quotes from his works in this book are from "COMMUNITAS V," a collection of 10 tapes on Christian Meditation. While there is no bibliography in this book, I hope that you will be aware of the source of these quotes by Dom John. This is not meant as an endorsement of any of his works over any of the other sources cited in this book, just that he was formative in my concepts on mysticism. The principal characteristics that make my book unique are a result of the nature and scope of the actions of Jesus and of the Holy Spirit in and on myself, plus my interpretation of the same. As I said, I am gifted with the vision of God, (Jesus in The Holy Spirit in particular), with my corporeal eyes. The Holy Spirit "speaks" to me in Light, Energy, sound, and occasionally smell and touch, but seldom by taste except in taking communion. He speaks in images, direct words, phrases and sentences, and through revealing the minds and personalities of people not present, by suggestion; all of these are seen through the power of my sight, corporeal, and associated with it, spiritual. [This is how some holy men seem to know things about the minds and lives of people they meet or hear about. The Holy Spirit tells them.] It is the air Lighting up and "speaking" ineffably, not the Holy Spirit, that is seen. The Holy Spirit that Lightens the air. The Holy Spirit reveals the MIND of God. The Holy Spirit speaks inside and outside me. And the Lord, the Holy Spirit comes to me from the Father, through the Son, Jesus, and in the Holy Spirit. The scope of the visual information I receive transcends space and time. I have even been privy to a few revelations about the lives of Adam and Jesus that are not in the bible which I have every reason to believe are true because they "mesh", correspond and correlate so well to all the biblical data. Perhaps in a way similar to the visions of the venerable Mary of Agreda (1602-1665). [She is a fascinating visionary and nun who has enjoyed a good reputation and much respect in some circles since then. Her principal work is the four volume work, 6 "the Mystical City of God". This is a history of the Blessed Virgin Mary as revealed by Mary herself to the venerable nun. It is fascinating if incredible reading]. In addition, I am given nuances and even new information about people in my life by just, for example, reading the psalms. (not the palms). A whole complex of reality, of a person, their mood, why they are like that, how they relate to me or someone else, or characteristics of their personality at that or some other time can be contained in a single word of scripture, or rather from the Light of the Holy Spirit shining from over, on, and around a written word or words of scripture. The interpretation of sound comes through the Holy Spirit "modifying" the sound of the noise or music from the radio for instance, and "anointing" the ear of the listener to allow the listener, me, to "receive" and interpret this data intended by the Good Spirit of God. Sometimes the "wave- length" (like a radio station) is filled with good news, other times it is vague and unintelligible. One is quickly aware when the enemy subverts the process. I emphasize that it is not channelling in the satanic sense. It can be easily dominated by satan, but the Holy Spirit cannot be coerced or manipulated. The only time a true "reading" can be evoked is when the Holy Spirit is free and not dominated and there are no pressures or disruptions on me. It is generally a bit unreliable for these reasons. But spontaneously at times, it is undeniably the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking. No question about it. You can't strong-arm the Holy Spirit. You can drown Him out or ignore Him, but He remains TRUE. The Holy Spirit shall reveal the hidden things of God. Bear with me on all these points. The Holy Spirit basically reveals Himself when He wishes. He cannot be forced. He will often appear if you pray to the Father, or especially to Jesus. He is an enigma, a mystery, but He is the great sanctifier of the Church and of the individual. He is the bearer of many good gifts, He is the Lord the giver of life, and He is one of the three Divine active principles in the crown that comprises God and that brings about salvation. 7 Addition, July 5th 1991 It is perhaps wise to define theosis or divinization and theopoiesis or deification and to distinguish between them. Theosis or divinization is the correct word to use when describing the "omnipotent and sanctifying Divine and Triadic activity, which because of the indwelling of the Trinity and Grace, and because of the inborn and natural aspects of the creature for transfiguration, induces a process of assimilation to God the Father of the whole human person, of mankind and of the visible and invisible universe in its totality, through the mediation of the incarnate Logos, Christ the Pantocrator, and in the Holy Spirit. (Quoted from Studies in Eastern Christianity, Vol 1 by Rev. P.B.T. Bilaniuk, [the Ukrainian Free University - Series Monograph #25, Munich - Toronto, 1977] p. 46). In Theosis, or divinization one becomes Christified, becomes like Christ. One is temporal or at best sempiternal (perpetual, everlasting or strictly speaking, having one's beginning in time and an eternal end. Only God the Most Blessed Trinity comes from eternity and goes to eternity. We come from time alone, -- conceived in the mind of God in eternity --- born in time). It is a conditional state. One is not eternal. One does not have this "ousia", or substance, of God: Father, Son or Holy Spirit. One is not a fourth member of the most Holy Trinity. Even the Blessed Virgin Mary hasn't got these attributes. The attributes of theopoiesis or deification (although this name is entirely, wrongly applied to theosis or divinization) are amongst others; that one becomes big "G" God, one is eternal and one is of the same substance as God. This is impossible for man, except in the single occurrence of the deification of the human nature in Christ's person, the only occurrence in history. This was done by and is due to the relationship of Jesus' humanity to His Divinity in the hypostatic union. So, as my professor and spiritual director the Rev. Petro B.T. Bilaniuk has taught me, (and the ideas in the preceding couple of pages are my version of his) it is wise 8 not to speak of deified, or the deification of, human beings. NOTE: IT IS AN AXIOM IN THIS BOOK THAT IT MUST BE ACCEPTED THAT IT IS SELF-EVIDENT THAT AT TIMES THE WRITER LIVES IN A STATE OF ALTERED CONSCIOUSNESS. THIS DOES NOT IMPLY SICKNESS, RATHER IT INDICATES THE SUPERNATURAL PRESENCE OF GOD. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT THE READER UNDERSTAND THAT THE WRITER IS NOT SUFFERING FROM DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR, WHEN HE CLAIMS TO HAVE CERTAIN EXPERIENCES OF GOD OR TO HAVE RECEIVED CERTAIN TITLES OR DESIGNATIONS FROM THE LORD. THAT INDEED IS THE REASON FOR WRITING THE BOOK--TO REVEAL THE GREAT GIFTS THAT HAVE BEEN REVEALED TO AND GIVEN TO ME, THE WRITER. ALL THE EXPERIENCES IN WHICH I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH GOD, JESUS AND THE LORD, THE HOLY SPIRIT, HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCED BY A VARIETY OF SAINTS AND BLESSED FOLK THROUGHOUT HISTORY. SOME OF THEM HAVE BEEN PROCLAIMED SAINTS BY THE CHURCH AND SOME HAVE NOT. WHETHER I WILL EVER BE SO BLESSED IS PROBABLY UNLIKELY. HOWEVER ONLY TIME WILL TELL THAT, AND THE ENCOUNTERS I HAVE WITH GOD ARE IN THE SAME GENRE AND ARE THE SAME IN MANIFESTATION AND CONTENT OF WISDOM AND TRUTH, AS THE WRITINGS OF THE GREAT SAINTS REVEALED THE WISDOM AND TRUTH OF GOD. LET IT NEVER BE CLAIMED THAT I AM A LIAR OR A CHARLATAN OR 'CRAZY', OR INSANE, OR---POSSESSED--AT LEAST UNTIL THEY HAVE READ MY WHOLE BOOK. AND EVEN THEN NOT UNTIL THEY HAVE COMPARED MY WRITINGS WITH THOSE OF THE SAINTS--I DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE GREAT SAINTS OR LITTLE KNOWN--CANONIZED OR NOT-- THE COMPARISON WILL SHOW THAT I AM AN UNCANONIZED SAINT WITH OTHER TITLES SIMILAR TO AND IN THE MODES OF THE MYSTICS OF THE EASTERN AND WESTERN CHURCHES LIKE ST. SYMEON, THE 9 NEW THEOLOGIAN IN THE EAST AND NOT MUCH UNLIKE A MYSTIC IN THE MOULD OF PSEUDO-DIONYSIUS, OR ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS IN THE WEST, ALTHOUGH HARDLY SO ARTICULATE, DISCERNING OR ORGANIZED. IF YOU WISH TO ENCOUNTER A MYSTIC AND A SAINT IN THE CONTEMPLATIVE MODE, THEN READ ON. BY THE WAY, THE LORD SAID THAT THE ONLY WAY I WAS AND, I SUSPECT, EVER WILL BE A SAINT, WAS AND IS IN MY PRAYER LIFE. IT IS IN MY CONVERSATIONS WITH JESUS, GOD AND THE LORD, THE HOLY SPIRIT, THAT GOD'S SPLENDOUR, MAGNIFICENCE AND GLORY IN HIS PRESENCE IS REVEALED TO ME. THIS IS GOD'S REVELATION TO ME AND TO YOU. I'M FULLY AWARE THAT THIS IS NOT EVERYBODY'S CUP OF TEA, ALTHOUGH IT SHOULD BE, FOR IT REVEALS GOD TO THE READER IN A PROFOUND, MEANINGFUL WAY. I HOPE YOU WILL READ ON. [Please pardon my bombastic typeface. I'm sorry--it seemed so important to say this strongly]. Scripture says: "In each person, the Spirit reveals his Presence in a particular way for the common good." The following is from a catechetical instruction by Saint Cyril of Jerusalem, bishop: "The Spirit comes gently and makes Himself known by His fragrance. He is not felt as a burden, for he is light, very light. Rays of light and knowledge stream before Him, as He approaches. The Spirit comes with the tenderness of a true friend and protector to save, to heal, to teach, to counsel, to strengthen, and to console. The Spirit comes to enlighten the mind, first of the one who receives Him and then through Him, the minds of others as well." "As light strikes the eyes of a man who comes out of darkness into the sunshine and enables him to see clearly what he could not discern before, so light floods the soul of the man counted worthy of receiving the Holy Spirit and enables Him to see things beyond the range of human vision, things hitherto undreamed of." The passage just quoted, may stand to establish some of the natures of the 10 Holy Spirit, the Divine Light, spiritual vision and a blessed soul. Let us continue. 11 **NOTES FOR FR.BOB WHYTE START HERE+++ A few things to note. This record of the first thirty odd pages of the book comes from two years of notes for spiritual direction. They were never dated and so appear in a random, time-wise fashion. They are by nature brief, and were hurriedly scribbled down as they occurred, on scraps of paper. They compile only 50% approximately of my notes for spiritual direction from this time. The occurrences of these episodes were virtually daily and continue so to this day, so I don't usually reveal in writing what happens in these occurrences. In almost all instances I was alone, saying my Mantra, the Jesus Prayer - sometimes occasions of this type occurred to Orthodox and Eastern Catholic Church "visionaries". [These first 14 mystical experiences that follow were plucked from all my notes for spiritual direction for use in an essay. I have NO IDEA WHERE THEY BELONG, CHRONOLOGICALLY. They were written in the earliest part of my mystical life in which I took notes, although this life was in existence since the early 1970's. Herein follows the accounts of my experiences. 1. "I was eaten by God. I invited Him (like Ruysbroeck) to eat my body, soul, mind, head, heart, spirit, evil, evil will, ego, memory, will and maybe others. There was a great deal of activity in the air, Light and dark rushing toward me and sinking deep in my body, head and mind. I nearly lost consciousness. I could sense the great joy with which God ravished me. Now soon, I must face the abyss." 2. "I have been divinized in my body by God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I asked this by offering my body to God and, as I had previously, my mind. I could feel a great rush of power into my whole body, as if it was filling with a great languidness like the Presence of a heavy liquid. This identified itself as the Presence of God." 12 3. "I am in union with the Spirit of God, I think. It must be Jesus in the Holy Spirit. I experience that my thoughts, (mostly prayers) are mystically transmitted into the sound and music or movements of other people and myself in the environment. It must be a spiritual occurrence because I can't purposely bridge the gap between myself and others by myself in this way. This type of occurrence has appeared occasionally for the past 10 years at least. I was unlearned, but I certainly was devoted - praying the Jesus prayer for up to 16 hours a day. It is the union of my thought (where pure enough) with the vehicle of the Spirit. It does not follow the mind of God, but follows my mind, except where God and I are in union. It is evident everywhere in the environment. Before this period, I prayed the Lord's Prayer with fervour (See St. Teresa of Avila) up to 7 hours a day continuously, more or less, usually more, sometimes less." 4. "I list some of the occurrences of Light that I experience. Streams of radiation (Light); particles of Light - individual and separate; shafts of Light; clouds and emanations; auras around objects just as much as people; and the whole room becoming dynamic, alive with Light and rushing at me and into me (white Light); and finally the pure clear Light of the Presence of the Son. God help us all." 5. "I see with my eyes the streams of Light moving in patterns, lines fanning out. I saw it as the streams of Living Water." 6. "My body, mind and heart were filled with Light. It moved into me. My soul and spirit were also asked to be filled, so I asked. I asked for it to be eternal, irrevocable (by others) and irrevocably irrevocable (by me). I was in union with God. God has said "I am yours" several times. Often, he has said ineffably "you are Mine". I was being divinized. I need more. 7. "A dark abyss filled with different clouds of Light, sometimes rushing at me - sometimes radiating around the room - like gaseous material. The opening to the abyss seems roughly circular. It is the Holy Spirit radiating through eternity. 13 Or it could be the Father or the Son. It is at times, self-identified as Grace, with star-like bursts in the sky (air), a rain of Light particles going vertical - rushing streams of Light. To define it is to limit God - to try to "fix Him in time," as John Main said." 8. "I asked the Lord to see Him and His face as I often ask. I saw a beam of Light and I saw the outline of a creature with many eyes, but I didn't see the Lord. I have a tremendous amount of self-confidence with the Lord - much more than I have with people." 9. "I have had a symbolic vision of the Most Holy Trinity a few times. It is three, intersecting, limpid pools of calmness and with a flickering Light at the centre of each circle. It is maybe 9 feet across." 10. "The flickering flames of the Spirit breathed into the air by God, the Father through the Son, our Lord Jesus Christ can be seen (I think)." 11. "I have experienced the indwelling Light in my body. The Light of the Presence of the indwelling God. It was my Lord and Saviour, Jesus. I don't know how deep He goes into the skin and flesh, but He certainly radiates Light from them." 12. "I have the Light of Christ within me. I am one with God. I can influence many things. I often have great power flowing out of me. I can feel it and see it. It is the Holy Spirit." 13. "The form of God's vision to me at this time is at the point of greatest positive activity, a disturbance in the air - a swirling of Light and dark and the feeling of something landing on my face or arm (especially as an aid to healing). It clings and penetrates, causes tingling and perhaps what is best described as brain waves, contractions of the muscles of the brain inside the head and a very, peaceful, gentle calm. I interpret all this as the action of Grace." 14 14. "(Jesus Christ of Nazareth). He is present to me from time to time now as are the emanations of the Father. There is persistent, obvious, visible Grace, self-identified as Grace. There are signs from God (The Trinity) on all sides. The effect is pervasive and overwhelming. I can see the Grace with my eyes--a spiritual, visual apprehension of the Divine Reality." I consider myself a saint in that I am (I think I know) a member of the company of Heaven. I hope to meet you there sometime too. [THESE FORTEEN PARAGRAPHS HAVE BEEN A SELECTION OF EXPERIENCES OF GOD --- DATED 1985 -- 1986.] PREAMBLE This book is written because of the magnificence and beauty and truth of the visions and revelations that God, the Almighty Father, the co-eternal Son and the life-giving Spirit have given me mostly over the period from l983 to l992. The extraordinary splendour, integrity, and depth of the visions, combined with the veracity of the messages for me, in my time (and when not alloyed with false influences), have revealed a personal God, absolutely lovingly in control of the passage of events, supremely interested in evoking a happy outcome for, and high response from, His servant and others, and with a scope that the human mind cannot grasp. If there is a tendency toward self-centredness, weakness, sickness, false interpretation, and/or ego or pride, I confess that I am proud although usually very aware of my sinfulness. I often say: "I am unworthy, Lord." I also say to myself that I am very blessed, forgetting that it is God's gift and that I didn't deserve it. But I know I am blessed. It is impossible not to know that. I must be careful not to revel in it, thinking myself better than others. Pride is always present or potentially present. I am nothing. God can do with me what He likes - even take away His blessings. I trust Him to take care of me. 15 Father Whyte You have heard that the Holy Spirit is a secret fragrance and Light and knowledge - He gives gifts of understanding, healing, preaching, prophesy, casting out devils, helping the poor, and asceticism. [This] Light of the Holy Spirit can be seen by some. Its rays are Grace - emanations, auras, bursting, bathing, surrounding, inundating, filling and giving these Graces as gifts or the opportunity for fruits of the Spirit. [My quest for a perfect life is a fruit. My increased giving to the church is a minor fruit - but above all, my vocation as a contemplative is a fruit. I don't think I am conceited, but I have to hold my head up. I will not be squashed or intimidated by these people. [I was being persecuted for my visions. Father Barringer said never to tell people about your visions. He is right, but enjoy the opposition and getting struck for it. If I wasn't persecuted, I'd die of boredom - but I hope there is no crunch]. Forgiveness of a Friend My visions - are they real, am I actually sick - is it all an illusion - am I "more to be pitied than blamed?" What about my psychometrist and my friend? They said they don't trust "some of my judgements." Are they right? Do you agree? Why do they persecute me? By the way, I am absolutely confident of the fact that I do see the Energies and Light of God. As in my anchorite, hesychastic tradition and the experiences of the saints, I recognize that others may not see that I could have these gifts, but God is no respecter of persons; and I have worked very hard, and also I have prayed fundamentally that I might be totally unrecognized by the world. So I am a hidden saint. [Or I was at that point--later I would become a public figure]. Experience of the Light - Fr. Bob Whyte 16 The Lord indicated to me by sight and sound that works cannot replace bathing in the Light or union. That union is a much higher goal than works, and that works are of no account or at least of peripheral value. Hence, I must continue my praying. What about the fact that I never achieve the goals of spiritual practice that I set for myself? I would like to pray 6 to 7 hours a day. I am lucky if I pray 3 1/2 to 4 hours on a good day. And yet, so many of my prayers are answered and the Graces I get are so stupendous, so mind boggling - although I don't expect to be more than 300,000 from the top on the roll call in Heaven of the men and women of the world at the Last Judgement. So I think I am a failure because I can't advance in holiness. My sloth, laziness, distractions, need for company, all conspire to make me a weak vessel. I just sit here and ignore my resolve to pray. And I get so lonely living alone. That is room for discussion in itself. I am always trying to please other people. I always ask them for their opinion on what I do. I'm doing it now with you. I go to almost any length to avoid a conflict. Some would call it love, but what I want to do is pray, not run around in an endless circle of social commitments fulfilling everyone, but myself!! I know that I get depressed if I don't have someone to see or something to do. So I run around. But deep in my heart of hearts I know that I am a saint and I should be praying. I would like to live more like a hermit and less like a gad fly. I am in a position to do it too. I could fulfil more the tremendous potential God is giving me by spending time in prayer alone. It is my opinion that everyone should be striving to win the race for the crown that St. Paul talks about. It is in the breviary and in the scripture quotations, that there definitely is someone at the top of the spiritual heap, that there is hierarchy in Heaven and that St. Paul wants the person at the top to be himself. That it is a "race", that we must "train", that we must "deny ourselves" things, "like athletes" do, etc. 17 Growing up in Ottawa, I encountered the story of Jesus and the twelve apostles. I identified most closely with Judas, and later at age 7 or 8, when arguing about religion with my brother and a friend - I realized that Judas killed himself and that I also would have to. That, I realized, was crazy. So I decided I was or would be crazy. This was formative in my conception of myself as a suicide risk. There was an internal movement in my heart. I thought my suicide was inevitable. The identification with Judas might have been because I had stolen a piece of change from my mother and I knew that Judas was a thief. I felt guilt and so had a low self-image. I have had this Judas' guilt, this fear of hell, this selfdestructive urge to kill myself, other times in my life. But now, I have daily Mass, the Divine Office, theological studies, my mystical experiences which constitute a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and also my Franciscan group. So I am trying hard. It is easy to see the good things stemming from a bad religious experience in childhood, as a form of compensation. It is possible that deep down in my heart because I relate to Judas and have often thought of myself as a bad person, that I really fundamentally think that I am going to hell. That would be a fundamental action that changes the destiny of the heart (self-identified as having the spiritual identifying essence or spirit of hell or the word hell, built-in.) [I don't know to this day (1989) how to purify my heart completely or permanently of this identifying spirit or essence.] My soul and mind are hopeful, but buried in my chest is hell and it worries me. I have repented, denied and renounced it and prayed myself blue in the face over it. It makes me uneasy. Does it mean I have chosen hell as my goal? Will I go to hell? Is it my illness? How do you know? [This has 98% cleared up - June 1992.] [The following passage is addressed to Frank Robinson, my therapist]. A dream 18 Frank, I was thinking of my illness, my relationship with you. I went to see you. We talked for what seemed like a long time. I said my conclusion which was that I didn't think you could do much for me. You and I went down the hall. I said with worry that I hoped you would do nothing less than completely cure me. At that moment you were cutting a clear celluloid (saran-wrap) diaper completely down one side for me. I don't remember what you said in return, but you looked very severe. Fr. Bob Whyte, a Dream I was my sister-in-law. She was in a foreign country testing for a national test to see if she could dive. She was being given instruction about a form of alligator man with a special name. I saw them. They were grey with the torso and head of a man and the tail of an alligator. I was flying across the water. There was a problem with several of them being together at once. We went closer to the water. Several of them came to the surface in shallow water and broke the surface. They were dangerous. Then I was going to dive. I dove deep into the water and remained under - I was her. Then I tried to surface but I couldn't. I breathed the sea water and started drowning. I gave up without fighting. I knew I was lost. Notes for Father Bob Whyte from my pastoral course in the jail I hunger and thirst for your Grace, Lord God. I am like a ravenous wolf, I cannot get enough. Too often have I known Lord that I don't thank you enough. Please show me your mystical way. You have shown me so much already. You are truly a faithful God. You always accept me back when I seem to spend most of my days straying from your paths. The market place is so busy and noisy. 19 It is so easy to lose sight of you and forget you. I am so prone to sin. I seek it out. My tongue betrays me, you, them. My foot is not steady, nor is my hand. My days are numbered and the end is not long to come. I once thought, "I have days without end" and now I see that I was a fool. Ignorant from my birth, some truth I cannot help but learn. The rest of it I must find, out there somewhere over the horizon, where a different sun shines. When observing phenomena, it seems impossible not to react at least a little to them - at the very least to steel yourself against reacting. [I was under the influence of the idea that one must remain indifferent to phenomenon - a western concept. Simeon the New Theologian (in the east) revels in the manifestations of the Presence of God, displaying a great variety of emotions and ideas that he expresses to God. I do the same in the Presence of any or all members of the Trinity and I say God reciprocates or interacts with me entirely responsively to my reactions to Him (not her!!!)] {As we shall see later, the Church, the soul and the Most Holy Trinity are all feminine words} I tend to spend a lot of time alone these days. I get depressed at first at being isolated, then I settle down and pray or sleep or read or listen to music or the T.V. I wonder if it is unhealthy to stay alone. I have a friend J.B. down here on the waterfront who recently spent 31 days virtually all by himself, except for his cats. [I had just moved from my Christian Community in Hamilton at 79 Cygnet Cres., surrounded by people, to a 1 bedroom apartment isolated down on the waterfront in Toronto, where I lived alone for the first time in 5 years.] 20 I felt I had lost my salvation, it seemed like a real experience; but the experiences now reassure me that I have eternal life. There was a complete reversal of signs from without, from favourable to disapproval, and rejections by what claims to be God - why? I put them down to being from an evil spirit. But I had a great fall through doubt and went into depression and a sense of "what's the use."? ["Let us give thanks to the Father for having made you worthy to share the lot of the saints in light." Colossians 1: 12 ---From the Roman Breviary] These two themes of "saints" and "Light" are combined in one of their TRUE relationships in this short passage. There is definitely, in my somewhat humble opinion, a similar pattern in my experiences of the Divine Light, and being called a saint by the Father, through the Son and in the Lord, the Holy Spirit. More of this will unfold as the book progresses. This passage at this stage of this book is just to whet your appetite, to stimulate your interest, and to set the stage for many references to the occurences of the Divine Light and the gift of sainthood; all of which were showered upon me in such an outpouring or effusion of love, that at times I didn't know if I was living on earth or in Heaven; for indeed, my heart, mind, soul and my head were in the Heavenly realms. [Please pardon me for what may appear to be arrogance on my part in the composition of this book. You see, I don't think many people will believe me, or even take the trouble or have the interest to read this "work of original Christian mysticism". I know it is a patchwork quilt of sometimes seemingly, unbelievable experiences, stories, and ideas; but believe me, it is very substantially true, authentic, precise and faithful to my experiences. The only inaccurate material may be in the interpretation of the phenomena where the origins of the phenomena may not be clear or may be misleading. Generally however, the material in the book is pure and literal and indeed, I would have to emphasize, unquestionably 21 genuine. Added, July 31, 1992]. I no longer see the Light very much. I feel very sad. The supernatural has all but left my prayerful consciousness, indeed, prayer becomes very difficult - but I go on. I saw the "Energies" of God and the action of God as Light and disturbances in the air with touching [on the skin] of spiritual "vapours" [material], and the presence of Mary, cherubim and angels great and small. [I have seen an 8-foot angel and countless "glimpses" or signs of others down to the size of a pin prick (how many angels will fit on the head of a pin.)] Also the evil one. St. Gregory Palamas says "I saw with the Spirit." I don't like people. All they do is criticize and hurt and complain - and they all have their own agendas. I am in trouble for my sex talk. From the very odd time to the very odd time, I tend to be violent and passive aggressive in my feelings - an upset person in my internal impulses. It causes me much grief. I sometimes wish damage or destruction on things. [Sometimes I even imagine hurting God, the Son physically, but I always am appalled, and repent very quickly, almost instantly. It is an involuntary reaction when I feel unloved and hurt.] I can be a bully - very demanding, wanting my own way and sometimes very selfish and cruel, but almost always in response to someone else's cruelty and lack of charity. I have never ever hurt anyone physically, in more than self - defense since becoming a Christian again in 1973, and I constantly try very hard to be loving, not destructive. I abhor violence. I wouldn't dream of hurting anyone and would not, if I had my way, defend myself even if attacked. But human instincts are so powerful. Still, I made a covenant with God several years ago to be passive in the face of attack and never to be the aggressor. [This is true physically and should also be true verbally and mentally - I am working on it.] Someone said once that I have a martyr complex. If only I could live by it more!!! I am trying to be totally honest with you about myself, something not many writers would be willing to do. I am a sinner. Please give me credit for honesty and read on. 22 Here are some prayers I composed and read repeatedly at times and recited from time to time to God. First however, a justification for long, repetitive prayers: To those who claim I pray long, repetitious prayers "as the heathen do" I feel constrained to point out two parables of Jesus; the parable of the unjust judge, Luke 18: 1 - 8 and the parable of the borrowed loaves, Luke 11: 5 -10. The parable of the unjust judge clearly indicates that God will answer repetitive prayer, although the analogy of the unjust judge to God seems inappropriate. The parable of the three loaves, borrowed successfully because of the importunity of the borrower, are another indirect authorization of repetitive prayer, when added to Luke 18: 1 - 8. My prayer is sometimes long because the Lord does not answer right away. Sooner or later, almost always much sooner, the Lord, the Holy Spirit signals by Light and Energy that He has agreed easily, said "uncle", or acknowledged the prayer as received and granted on some level. Lord Jesus, please make my mind into my soul expression of You, Lord Jesus. Lord Jesus, please make my mind into your soul expressions of Yourself, Lord Jesus. The Lord works at night watering the seed. I need to be less full of myself - need to be full of Jesus and care of others. How much prayer should be for others? Lord, please grant me peace - it works. [In fact this prayer really works!!!] Lord Jesus, I ask You to give me a long and happy life and a happy death (others too). God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, correct my heart. Lord Jesus, - I ask You to draw "X" and his family to you, regardless of whether You want to or whethethey wr a nt to come. Please heal me of my mental illness, God. [God in His wisdom never did- R.D.] 23 God, please convert Yourself to me. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, protect the good in me and cause it to grow. Father, Son and Holy Spirit, increase my faith, hope and charity. Lord Jesus, (Father and Holy Spirit), please get me the job You want me to do, to serve You . . . . . through Your people. JUST HOW MUCH PRAYER IS ANSWERED? [Also a terrible admission - the Lord had been visiting me in prayer and I thought it was the evil one - or I was afraid it was.] I somestimes mistake the Holy Spirit for the devil. [To be sure I was being told by my friend in Hamilton that I lived with in community, that my experiences were either delusional or from the devil. (I have a priest friend, a different person, in Hamilton that I see to this day once every 5 or 6 weeks. He has been a VERY GOOD FRIEND. I knew him while he was a seminarian and our friendship has grown ever since. We have the same interest in theology. I call him Fr. Kelly.) I didn't know if I could trust God to appear as this Light, etc.] [It was a profound mystery to me. I didn't know what to make of what I later came to know as the Divine Light.] Bless all our life and the hour of our death. God, please create an indestructible bond between me and You, now and forever and ever. God, please create a passion of love between me and You, now and forever and ever. God help, (make), me accept and embrace my death and suffering. Lord Jesus, - please make me the best / greatest saint I can be by Your standardfsa,c eiltietrantea lmlyy G tootda;l conversion to You. Jesus, please make me obedient to The Father. Jesus, please make me love my neighbour. Holy Spirit, please heal me and make me whole. God, teach me to love and adore You. I promised my soul to the evil one on several occasions in grade 7, involuntarily and superficially, by the causes of weakness and fatigue. He apparently never took advantage of the offer. 24 I also think I did the same thing as early as grade l. Same preoccupation. a mod[eBl uoft msayn wityh ofrloe mch tihldeh aogoed o wf3a so n., .f.ro. m. . t.i.m.e. t.o. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . time, anfdr okmee speinrigo umsy ssienl fa fsr emeu ch as I could.] Lord Jesus, please save as many (people) sinners as You can, for this request [and all others], notwh ef ogrr eater Glory of God. God, please make me faithful to You and Your church, now and forever and ever. Lord Jesus, make me a saint. Lord Jesus, please free me from the bonds of satan forever. Lord God, Lord Jesus and Lord, the Holy Spirit, make/help me to take resptohnisi btiimlitey f foorrt hm, y[a lnifde tfhroromu ghout my life]. Fr. Bob Whyte - Friday, August 8, l985 Jesus said (in my words): Sex, when it is wrong ( or immoral), murders your mind (if it is immoral) and ultimately also, especiadlloye s if it is moral, too. Feast of St Domenic. The United States and Russia have sold themselves down the river for the sake of greed; called prosperity - the American dream. India, although a nuclear power, is poverty stricken, yet she gets by (sort of). She faces greater problems, but trusts in God; while the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and the U.S. trust in the SS20, MX and finally the lunacy of Star Wars, all for the sake of greed. Blow up everyone including your own family, friends, innocent bystanders, children, old men and women on both sides, and destroy God's creation, the beautiful world, birds, trees, flowers,animals, reptiles and snakes, waterfalls, oceans, rivers, lakes, streams, sunsets, and sunrises, all for the sake of putting a crummy extra car in your garage. The lie, the hypocrisy, the arrogance, the presumption, the pride, the blindness, the SELFISHNESS, the intolerance on BOTH SIDES, all conspire to end the consciousness of the whole world forever, most likely. What right, what license, wherefore made greater? Greater - ha ha, chuckle, guffaw, chortle, wheeze - that's a 25 joke!!! More devilish More satanic More evil and I fear, more damned. "you play with my world like it's your little toy." (Bob Dylan) Lord Jesus, please make me love my neighbour a lot and like myself. I don't know how to start loving people. How???? Lord God, please grant me the gift of love for ever and ever. Loving You perfectly for ever and ever. The thunder said to say my "Holy Prayer". The Lord's prayer is best. I prayed for a while the Lord's Prayer, and people started coming to mind, so I prayed for them. The thunder said: "perfect love". Lord God / Jesus, Please make me the greatest person I can be in Heaven for ever and ever. Lord Jesus, Son of the Living God, please heal me and I promise to become a priest. Lord Jesus, Son of the Living God, please, I beg you to undo the work of the devil in my soul, mind, head, and heart, now and eternally. Lord Jesus, Help me to recover the years lost and to live up to my promise and potential. Lord Jesus, Son of the Living God, please make it so the devil can't undo any of the spiritual work I do, now and eternally. Lord Jesus, Son of the Living God, please make me triumphant over the devil in every situation in which I encounter him, in life, in prayer, in death, and in eternity. 26 God be with me, now and eternally. Lord Jesus, please put me in the right place in my head now and eternally, and irrevocably, irrevocably. Lord Jesus, I offer up myself and my room and my work, today and always. Lord Jesus, Son of the Living God, Your Kingdom come. Lord God, You created all men and women and You knew in Your wisdom what each of them would be, yet You created them, just the same, so how could You then destroy any of them? Why would you have made them? The reason I experience hell, etc., is - I think I deserve to go there. I saw Christ say at least 3 times "watch this" through His eyes (His eyes and heart) in a picture I have of the Sacred Heart. I looked at His Heart and it looked like an atomic explosion on top of the world (His Heart) with His cross on top of that. I said: "You wouldn't". His look got tough - "I would," He said. I said: "Is there anything I can do to stop it?" - the look said "yes" in His eyes. Then I saw that it was the indifference and hate in the world toward Jesus that would cause the war, if that is to happen. Then I saw that no one was spreading the gospel - then I saw that I wasn't spreading the gospel. Now all I can think of is the necessity for God's mercy - I have great confidence in that, (speculative). In a way, the confrontation between a good person and a devil or demon is a torture to both, where the good person is the catalyst to change the evil in the devil and humble him, and humiliate him - a torture, although this good person bears his share of the agony on behalf of his Master, Christ. (The testing and tempting of the Christian in the furnace of affliction strengthens him/her, purifies this good person and gives one fundamental choices that can lead him or her closer to the Most Holy Trinity.) 27 The love of man is too often for himself, for his own values, for his images, for his things. If he loves God, it is by association with some pleasant experience or sensation - is that why we have Masses with buildings, vestments, incense, lights, candles, stained - glass windows, or does God make Himself present in response to light, windows, etc.? I still think it is by association that one sinks into a reverential atmosphere or attitude. God is everywhere, but the reverential attitude is best conjured up by lights, windows, etc - here we try to find God. What about the desert? Here, there is no colour or sound. Only emptiness. Is God here? Perhaps He is only here. And how is He here? In aloneness - in suffering. This prophet cries out the Word of God created in the crucible of His soul: " Never fear for your life - it was given to you to lose, (naturally). So you are free; go out and lose it in the service of God and the gospel -for the sake of the Kingdom." "He who would lose his life will save it, but he who would save his life, will lose it." Covetousness and desire are idolatry. Is the chastening of the Lord accomplished through pain? Should one stop doing something if there is pain? What if the pain is caused by the devil? Surely then one should defeat the evil one by going on in spite of the devil or the pain. How do you know if pain is caused by the devil, or if it is the chastening of God or both? Should one stop or go on? What about the discernment of Spirits? I don't have a clue how to change myself - if I have a fault, I often do absolutely nothing - not even think -to make a change. I rely on the Grace of God to change me through prayer, for me and for the Most Holy Trinity. Is this valid or wise? I often do pray for God to change me. I tackle tasks in the world, such as work - but I have no idea of how to change myself. I discuss myself in 28 psychotherapy and there may be a responsive change in me; but it is always arrived at unconsciously by me, as are the changes brought about by advice in spiritual direction. I listen, internalize, mull over change and then forget my advice from spiritual direction. I usually don't keep written records of advice given in spiritual direction. But we all learn and so we all change. [But the change, is it the best possible change or is it detrimental?] [Perhaps, the change in me, evident in this book is indicative of wisdom and growth on my part.] I am the Christ Child in my head - I have been since I was a little boy. [But I am not Jesus Christ. He lives in me.] I prayed in front of a candle for a mixture of mercy and forgiveness for all the morally wrong things I have done in my life. There was a response and forgiveness [expressed in] the flame of the candle. [It was the action of the Holy Spirit speaking ineffably the words of forgiveness.] I seek my own Glory, not God's Glory. This is bad. God has told me He will not give me everything I ask for - cutting me off - to live more by faith, more meat and less milk. [God - Father, Son, or Holy Spirit or the All Holy Trinity never did at this time grant me a place in the inner Life, Love and Light of the Trinity; this would threaten to put me on a level with Mary and could lead to a status bordering on equality with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I had the audacity to ask for this at a time of very successful, concentrated prayer when I was granted great things. I know that there are Saints who have achieved higher states of prayer than I, so I am just so thankful for what God has granted me, and chagrined and chastened for my transgression. But the great Graces eclipse the mistake I made.] I think I am getting my reward in this life, not in the next life. I want my own Glory in Heaven. I love myself -I am not humble - I think I deserve to be glorified in Heaven - but what about the biblical view of us as "unprofitable servants" or our righteousness being as "filthy rags?" - I know I do nothing. I 29 don't even pray very well - but I love life, I love living, I love people, I love the earth. So I in mercy and gentleness, love myself in this self-love - I don't think I have many faults - is this pride? - a lack of self-examination - am I as miserable as I sometimes think I am? I don't find fault with myself now, because I am merciful to myself. I know that God is [a lot] more merciful and just. I go to confession every week. [From 1973-74 to 1985 I said the Lord's Prayer, the Our Father, repetitively for up to seven or eight hours a day. It is a relatively complicated prayer or "mantra". It was exhausting. But God honours true prayer. I did it especially well in hospital and while walking. The motion gives rhythm to the words.] Theology of Liberation of Mental Patients The Prophet, Job who was nearly a perfect man had depression and loss Demoniacs were healed and sent back to live with their people, not put in shelters or left out of the family. John the Baptist was The most holy man of the Old Covenant according to Jesus, although John appears in the New Testament. Lived in the desert - ate locusts and wild honey (and was sort of crazy by our standards - but very, very Holy by God's standards). King Saul, annointed 1st King of Israel by Samuel - Some say he died because he was manic depressive - perhaps, maybe, he was ill, he was jealous of David. All those people, except Saul were despised often by many including the authorities. The pharisees in the eyes of my peers, are the medical people and the social services boards. They see only limited solutions in desperate situations while living at above average or very high income levels themselves. On the other hand, I have known some nurses and social workers who do not earn a lot by society's standards and work tirelessly for the mentally ill on the wards and in the backroom offices. They sometimes appear not to give very much of their own wealth. Sometimes, I 30 say!!! The system breeds the culprits among which the doctors are chief, because of the large amounts of money they make and the relative to absolute poverty of those they serve for these fees. But there are a lot of doctors and psychiatrists who channel a considerable sum of money into the hands of those who need it most, even after a long day that is as tiring as that of anyone else. Jesus healed all the demoniacs He faced. Whether this was demon possession or illness is a question of terminology. It was the same phenomenon. The doctors have, on the average, sold out their religious roots, because: if Dr. Freud is an example or if the secular humanism and materialism rampant in society are reflected in their values as I suspect they often are; and because there is no money available for psychiatric patients and never has been with the exception of maintanance welfare [although the doctors incomes are sky high - reflected in the Government's limiting payments to doctors], they administer only what is expedient, that is, the bare minimum. The politicians have lots of money for the doctors, but not for the patients. The doctors usually have the time for the money. The [mentally ill] patients are marginalized and deprived of necessary services. They often have to live on the street. There are no jobs for them. Recently, I was at a meeting of ex-patients still receiving out-patient care, who were working for a courier company, created for them. One girl made $12 for 10 hours work. They were about to go out of business. The minimum wage was $5.40 / hour, but they didn't get it. People won't hire these people. Some are well-adjusted to their illness and could work if they were offered work. Psychiatric consumers have become marginalized like blacks, women and non-conformists. Discrimination still exists towards all these groups. We need to organize post-psychiatric consumers and their families. Many groups have sprung up with this goal. "On Our Own" and "Friends of Schizophrenics" are two examples. We must stop the patronizing attitudes of some doctors, social workers, nurses, welfare and family benefits workers, etc. There are 10,000 to 20,000 people living on the streets of Toronto. Many of 31 these are psychiatric patients. Many others pay inflated rents which cost almost all of their monthly cheque. There is more government assisted housing, but it is not catching up to demand.[ In fact, it is falling dramatically behind!!!] Food is often not affordable on welfare or family benefits. This means eating in hostels, going to food banks or not eating. Unfortunately, many consumer / survivors buy cigarettes and other expensive (addictive) luxuries. We perform our respective function for the few males, (females?) who hold the power. If we did not fill the doctor's needs for his pockets, we would be of no use and could be exterminated. It may be coming to this. The non-productive elderly, retarded, mentally ill and those with a criminal record are starting to come to the point of being considered expendable. I see this as a widespread tendancy or trend, not as an issue in the crunch yet. The unborn are the victims now - the vanguard. I don't expect this soon, but it happened in Hitler's secular Germany. FATHER BOB WHYTE 3.OO P.M. October 8th God tells me I am secure (at theology school). I attend the Toronto School of Theology including St. Michael's College, Faculty of Theology, The University of Toronto, Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A reason that the Jews could not accept Jesus as Son of God, much less worship Him, was that He was a man and the only God they knew was a Spirit. In short, they could not worship a man. It was Jesus' humanity that was the problem. Hence, we crucify Him as they did, because they [we] could not accept His authority. I crucify Him myself, in my heart [though He is my best friend], and that is the same resentment of Jesus' authority. I want to think I am "God", not let Jesus be God. That's the tendency. 32 I am always ready to fall over backwards in a crucifixion. I always expect to be crucified and I often undergo "minor" crucifixions. My history - what does it mean - my story? Use of crudity, innuendos, remarks and bad language,etc. Is it necessary, or effective, or fair, or LOVING??? LORD JESUS PLEASE MAKE ME AS HUMBLE LOVING TEMPERATE JUST MERCIFUL FAITHFUL HOPEFUL COURAGEOUS AS YOU WERE, NOW AND FOREVER. LORD GOD, LORD JESUS AND LORD,THE HOLY SPIRIT, PLEASE MAKE ME LOVE YOU, MYSELF AND MY BROTHER AND SISTER, PERFECTLY, FOR EVER AND EVER, STARTING NOW. Lord God, Lord Jesus and the Lord, the Holy Spirit, may I supremely, humbly and perfectly adore You, for ever and ever. God, please make me love myself, perfectly. Lord Jesus, make me like You are, for ever and ever. Amen, Jesus. My brother is myself. God, please make me love perfectly, for ever and ever. We are creatures. There will always be those with greater gifts or 33 achievements. We should do our duty, our responsibility - even be heroic - enjoy ourselves. But keep a simple view of ourselves. There is just God, me and the other person that counts. Someone said, "God's greatest gift is life." If so, then the greatest gift is when God conceives of a man or woman or in other words, when He has the "idea" of a person, (man or woman). This is simplicity itself, so we are all a collection of simple ideas. So we should see ourselves simply, not be a mass of complexes, neuroses and anxieties over our place in God's creation. Guilt from my past: it is not healed. Can I grow up with this lack of selfconfidence or is it humility derived from humiliations? 34 ***HERE BEGIN MY NOTES FOR SPIRITUAL DIRECTION FOR FR. ROGER YAWORSKI S.J. (A JESUIT) AND AT THE SAME TIME VICE - RECTOR OF THE JESUIT THEOLOGICAL COLLEGE, REGIS COLLEGE, HERE IN TORONTO. HE WAS, AND IS, VERY BRIGHT AND WELLINFORMED ABOUT THE MYSTICAL LIFE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP ROGER.*** C.S. Lewis: "The devil is most happy when we pay too much or too little attention to him" [Perhaps, I was paying too much attention to him in these days]. I have learned to trust Light and not images. ("Stop writing about God".) Roger said. Jesus good fruits - your good fruits, Robert. Good advice given Good intellect You don't tempt people on purpose, almost not at all. Aren't a heavy cross on anyone's shoulders Are usually pure Good brain [I had been told by my friend from southwestern Ontario (not Roger), that these visions of Lights etc. were hallucinations.] [He didn't know anything about them. I just mentioned them once, although I must admit that he tends to be more of an active person and was not a contemplative, so perhaps he wasn't aware of things mystical. He always expressed quite negative statements about St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila - saying that Teresa was crazy, a schizophrenic, for instance. He also said that St. John of the Cross was a homosexual. Indeed, he said that St. Joseph is the True Father of Jesus and that Jesus BECAME God at His baptism. The final thing I will mention that this person said running contrary to Catholic teaching is that The Blessed Virgin Mary IS BURIED in Palestine, now, not assumed Bodily into heaven at her death. Maybe that is what they teach 35 in undergraduate classes in Ontario universities. He went to school in Ontario, etc.] Jim's advice - keep on praying, but stop when visions get too much. I would be proud if I were to only accept the advice of the great and the famous and ignore the humble and little - I tend to agree with Jim. My call is to "wholeness, to oneness and to union", (John Main O.S.B.) I am at the level of oneness. Roger: I want to be of one mind with you - not to fear you - you can help by asking more questions - taking more interest - by not being so brusque or am I not letting you be yourself? - you are my brother in Christ. Surely I should not seize upon any phenomena that occur. If they come, I should leave them alone and not interact with them or try to possess them, but also not to drive them away. I experience the visions as being from God, whether appearing to be evil or good, while actually they all serve the interests of God [wrong on all counts]. I should interact with the Divine Light and communicate with Him, (Father, Son or Holy Spirit). Also, the phenomena are both from God and the evil one and the latter do not serve the interests of God. I then remembered that St.Therese of Lisieux quoted a saint as having mental illness that was for her own good. I still harboured in MY heart a bit of affection or attachment for the evil one, who has intruded on so much of my prayer life. He was obvious mostly as shadows (in opposition to the Light), and often took other different forms. It is obvious that at times it could be morbid imaginations; but when the creatures assume colour, shape and independent motion, it is hard to believe it is my imagination or an hallucination particularly when they seem independently responsive to me the observer - maliciously so!!! He scares me to death these days. He is absolutely a most unwelcome visitor. There is no doubt that my prayer life was born in suffering, trial and tribulation. It is God's wise crucible to develop faith in me. I struggle against the devil and so seek God and God comes to me 36 more and more these days. I said: "Roger, you are counselling me to be unfaithful to my commitment to God by not writing about God." I have a whole load of frustration built up over the years, because everything I undertake is doomed to failure by the Lord. I can't work, can't marry, can't own a car or house, don't have many friends, except mental patients, am locked up if I get sick - take debilitating prescribed drugs, have had shock treatments, many hospitalizations, and have had family problems. I had a girlfriend who I loved more than life itself who left me when I was oh so weak, a bout with street drugs, being a problem drinker in the past, and now the most recent nail in my coffin (or foot) - I can't pray anymore. Seriously, God must love me very much to give me the reward for all this suffering. But I'm getting angry. What's the solution? [I used to be a LARGE "S" Sinner, but now I am a small "s" sinner and am much, much more moderate]. I might add that my illness is understood as an organic disease and a chemical imbalance in my brain. The two illnesses that I have are schizophrenia and manic depression. The condition is called schizo - affective. This accounts for a lot of my erratic behavior since I was age 13 or 14. IT IS NOT MY FAULT--I DIDN'T PLAN IT AND I NEVER WOULD HAVE WISHED IT ON MYSELF . I was terrified of being mentally ill when I was a youngster and a teenager, because even then, I could see I had the symptoms. These are very dangerous illnesses, because I think that up to 20 or 25% of all chronic schizophrenics kill themselves at some time in their illness. My disease is very well controlled by the administration of large doses of a neuroleptic, or in other words, a phenothiazinetype drug or major tranquilizer. It is called Loxapine in my case. This is for the schizophrenia. The manic depression is controlled by lithium carbonate and carbomazapine. Both types of drugs only control the illness, so one has to be very vigilant to take the drugs regularly, on time and in the right dosage. Here endeth the lesson. Say a prayer for me. It's very difficult. [June, 1993. I have been re37 diagnosed as being purely bi-polar IE. manic-depressive, not schizophrenic. I am too affective or emotional, too active and coherent, lacking hallucinations or delusions, too high - functioning and integrated to be schizophrenic, but I still suffer from manic - depression when off medication] I love to sit and watch the Holy Spirit play or gambol in the air and on the wall. When I experience evil in prayer I think it is usually my own evil - an interpretation of good and evil within my own mind. I initiate the vision or interpretation myself. It is not objective evil, it just looks like evil. [Notes: Sometimes it IS objective, spiritual evil and can be unpleasant and controlling. It's content and form are evil - it doesn't just look like evil - tempting manipulating, removing choices and controlling.] I love to pray. It is my heart's delight. I can't keep from praying. I don't have the will not to pray - who would turn his back on communion or intimate conversation with God. It is too much to ask. I would say that it is my imagination that is evil and unruly, not my vision of the Holy Spirit, [or was it the Son, or the Father?]. This is of fundamental importance. The images, (the evil ones), are not the same as the visions of the Holy Spirit. I know I must have the right to be courageous. God has not, does not and will not totally abandon me if I am a prayerful person. [Sometimes] I pray all day long. He underlies every word I say and everything I do that is not a mistake or a sin. He accepts me and surrounds me with my weakness, errors, sins and goodnesses. He is the ground of my being and is making me into the spiritually refined person I am becoming. I totally depend on God. Roger, I can't stop talking to Him. He gives me Graces. For sure, I am screwed up, but lets sort out the problem instead of amputating my most important limb, my prayer life. Don't be too drastic and throw out the baby with the bath 38 water. I believe God is taking care of me. What is more, I believe that God reveals Himself to me. I am not great. I am speculative [unsure] of the exact thing that is happening. But I am sure that God is the author of most of my experiences [most of these experiences were not recorded and are only alluded too, because I felt I would be so badly received by the authorities - the chief priests and the pharisees.] He would not deceive me. I might deceive myself, but my senses can't be always wrong. I am by nature timid and fearful, afraid of offending God's majesty, or hurting myself or falling into sin. I am obsessive about my prayer. It will take more than just a command to get me to stop praying. It will take understanding and dialogue and some real reasons: if there are any! [ I was afraid of Roger because I was marginalized while he was so important.] A new meeting with Roger: I am doing today as you said Roger and not praying. I don't know how long I can go on. It destroys my relationship with God. I will hang on for some time maybe until I can't hang on any more. I really need to worship God, Roger, not just at Mass, but all day long. I am being starved. I wonder if God will cause me to have a fall by removing His Graces. October 1st. Roger - are you testing the authenticity of these phenomena by denying them or are you testing my sanity - which one if either? [Roger Yaworski is skilled more I suspect, in spiritual direction of people in the western church using principally St. John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila and others. (Forgive me if I misjudge you, Roger). He is very good at this. My prayer tended principally and very strongly to the Eastern forms of prayer, namely the 39 Jesus prayer and the use of this mantra. I suspect that the occurrence of visible Light in my prayer was foreign to and even unknown to him. It is even comparatively rare in the East.] Can you see how I can be so extraordinarily attached to what you describe as not being God ? By the way, the "hallucinations" go on, although they still identify themselves as God and occasionally as satan - in fact, I know whether it is satan or God, Father, Son or Holy Spirit that is present. Satan does not identify himself. God identifies his presence for me. There is little doubt in my mind at this time that satan is the source of the phenomenon I see at THIS time, (Oct 5, ll:22 P.M.). However, how can this be when I am chaste in activity, don't drink or smoke, go to Mass 2 to 4 times a week, pray the whole Office at night (from the 4 volume set), read theology, pray two or three hours a day, etc. My heart is opened, I am a pushover. My mind is sick, but I can't stop praying. God and I are my only Hope. I believe that I experience "oppression" by the devil - a technical term, I believe. I believe it is turning or has turned to "obsession" as I sometimes can't get free of the satanic phenomenon or stop praying. [My understanding of the terms oppression and obsession is inadequate. I was amongst other things undergoing a purification, a testing, and a developing into a relationship of trust with Jesus. I was not helped by observers who saw madness and anxiety or delusion caused by the evil one behind every experience I had. No wonder I kept things general and hid the details at this time. Teresa was right when she said to beware of spiritual directors.] [My doctors don't recognize my world view as (a) religious, (b) Christian, (c) catholic or (d) my visions and experiences themselves. They are, more often than not, atheists. How can they claim to help or actually help anyone thinking like that? They can't and won't help. What do they know about prayer, God and / or mysticism? My intellect is sound. My judgement is poor - my world view smells bad. By the way, I have 77 - 78% average at graduate school. WHAT NOW?????? [I was then, and still am at this time (Nov'90), a 40 student at St. Michael's College Graduate School of Theology, University of Toronto, Toronto, Ontario, Canada]. One time, I got into trouble when I saw a spider of light and invited it into my head because it was light. It was false light. Never trust a spider. I need to be humble. I am arrogant and presumptuous. I want to be a "god". [As in: "God became man that men might become gods"--see the Early Church Fathers]. God showed me that I was a devil or like one in some of my aspects. I asked God the Father if He would remove my devilishness. There was no response. I couldn't convert my devilishness to God. I then asked the critical question of God: would He banish me to hell? The answer came in great Light - "never!!!." I know He never would - praise God. Is it normal to see Light in prayer? What stage of prayer am I in: purgative, illuminative or unitive? I don't know if I have ever had a dark night of the soul, senses or spirit. Jesus suggests the existence of the evil one to me indirectly by my inferance. I feel like a beginner. Sometimes I feel I have been through so much that I feel like an expert (vainglory). I am a mystic. I "consult the data or experience to get my reality" (Josiah Royce). I am a pure empiricist, but I am puzzled. What do I experience? Sometimes it is God, sometimes it is satan. I am in the room with God the Father. It is this Trinity that exists in my mysticism. God told me not to use His name with satan or to use satan's name so much. The idea of the Spirit as vivifier, as freer of men, as a stimulus to joyous 41 living is false I believe, [or one sided - R.D.]. I believe that the Holy Spirit is more often prudent, temperate and moderate from God's point of view. What is more, He is always with us and we all know that we can't be high all the time. To be sure He elevates our spirits, but first He more often moderates our view by bringing us in touch with our sinfulness and the realities of the joint - continuums we call the inner and outer world. In short, He sanctifies us. He is the great purveyor of ALL TRUTH, through the Son, from the Father. [My understanding of Trinitarian theology is that the Trinity is either (a) from the Father, through the Son, in the Holy Spirit, or (b) through the Son, to the Father, from the Holy Spirit.] I think that it is worth noting that there is a substantial part of myself that only participates in the program and process of contemplation, because it is necessary: 1- The phenomena - the experiences of God and the devil are there. 2- I am religious originally, because good and evil existed. I was sinful, I suffered and causesdu ffering on a large scale. 3- I loved the thought of the face of God so much. 4- I took it on formally to make my task - contemplation. 5- I now take pride in my role as pray - er. 6- The evil persists, so I persist in prayer. [Perhaps, God knows this and so allows it.] October 13, l988 - the following was written when I was tired and perplexed. I saw in my imagination [an intellectual vision???], long arms, snatching bodies out of a flowing stream of bodies in movement. They, the arms were evil and the bodies were seized and dragged off screaming. I prayed to Jesus to be safe from this (when I died). Immediately, I got a verystrong physical jolt of power in 42 my body like an electric shock. I remembered how I had been asking people recently if the devil could catch you after you died. 43 "SON OF GOD" [I prayed the Jesus prayer in my tiny bedroom in my apartment. The Lord Jesus was the one to whom I addressed myself. I began to get clear distinct impressions of Light which contained ineffably, the word "son". Now, this was directed as a designation for myself. So I became aware after many showings that I was being called "son". I thought for a brief instant that I was being called "THE Son of God", but I got rid of that thought in a hurry. I then realized that I was being called "A son of God". For some reason, (a personal problem I think), I didn't usually think of asking who was sending this designation. I tended to think that it was the Son calling me "son". But even recently the Lord God has told me that it was the Father, the Lord God Almighty, co-eternal with the Son and the Spirit, that called me son, through His Own Begotten Son, and I am a son of God and I have found my true Father --- God]. [I think that by a rough estimate I have been called "son" at least two or three thousand times by the members of the Most Holy Trinity up until now, July 24, 1992. Almost all these incidences of appelation were initiated by the Most Holy Trinity - virtually none by me]. I seem to be asking people to recognize me as a great person [I was getting a bit of a swelled head], I believe I am. However not by my own virtues which don't exist, but rather by association with God's greatness. But also broken, more blessed than blessing and too concerned into the opinions of men [and women]. But I do talk about what is in my mind. Usually God and His manifestations or the spiritual world. I fear the devil. If I fear him, I give him power over me. How can I learn to laugh at someone so smart, so evil and so powerful? What should I think and do? It creates a very high degree of humility when one is abased below the demons in one's stay on earth. Then one truly is one of the lowliest people on earth. One always fights them, but is continually subject to their onslaughts. This idea came from an early Greek Father. 44 But we have the human mind of Christ. So we can become like Christ in His humanity, in our humanity - we have no divinity. I sin for even thinking we do. Don't condemn me yet. As the book unfolds you will understand. I learned it is better to opt for nothing (to accept it), rather than choose evil (when God is not active or obviously present). Thus, I am not willfully evil if I practice this, especially not petulant or emotional. I am a "god"- "small g" [Jesus said somewhere quoting Old Testament scripture: "I say you are gods, sons of the Most High, all of you; nevertheless you shall die like men and fall like any prince." (Psalm 82. vss 6 -7 ). Is that true Roger? Am I a part of God, big "G". If so can one say one is God?]. The answer is no. None of us humans, except Jesus, ever has been or presumably ever will be God as a member of the Most Holy Trinity. By the way, "god" in this sense means "son" of God, according to the Jerome Biblical Commentary [adopted son of God as men have been called - see St. Paul]. I worshipped the Holy Spirit in His obvious Presence. I was presented with what I took to be the conception of Jesus in Mary's womb by the power of the Holy Spirit. I couldn't get it right - what to do? What to think or say? So I said "be it done unto me according to your will" for myself to be like Mary. Power overtook me [I am not clear in my memory, whether this was an "accurate and realistic" reenactment of Jesus' conception. It was a Light. My response was to follow Mary as my contemplative guide or precursor or model, and not to see myself as mother - OBVIOUSLY.] I was asked to pray by Jesus in the Lord the Holy Spirit. He said it was my last chance for some time. I prayed to be part of Jesus' heart in the Body of Christ - then part of His eye. Very uncertain response. Then I realized that the most important part of Jesus' Body was His brain. So I prayed to be part of His brain. Then I saw that His human will was the most important part of His brain. So I asked to be part of it. Jesus was generally non-committal about all this. Then 45 knowing that Jesus' human will was subject to His Divine Will, I asked to be obedient to Jesus' Divine Will. Jesus enthusiastically said "yes". Then I realized that I must be obedient to the Will of the Father and the Holy Spirit. I asked. Jesus ordered me to beg for it to test my resolve. He granted it profusely even as I begged. 46 "SPIRITUAL MARRIAGE" AND "SENSUAL PASSAGES" I have undergone a series of espousals to Jesus. They included renouncing divorce irrevocably by me and irrevocably by any other creature. Jesus promised His love to me. I accepted it, eternally. I offered to espouse myself to Him eternally. We were betrothed. I then spontaneously said "be it done unto me eternally as You will". Then I said "I do" and "I will". My mouth was radiated with loving energy and power for 30 seconds. I think that it is the kiss of the mouth that St. Bernard and Ruysbroeck (I think) speak of from the Song of Solomon. At this time, I would like to confess the following: That I have undergone a great period of struggle in which I debated whether to insert in the text certain references of a sensual nature at this time, March 14th 1992, which might prove offensive to some and which could jeopardize the success of these passages on the Spiritual Marriage and indeed the whole book. I am totally convinced that the experiences are real, valid and valuable as a contribution to mystical theology and that theology today is moving toward a holistic interpretation of man, which naturally must include man in his totality, including his, and I might add her, sexuality. Let it never be said that what happened sensually between myself and Jesus or the Holy Spirit came about or was initiated by the will of man (my will) or the will of the flesh. It was the will of God, the Son or the Lord, the Holy Spirit that overcame me, and ravished me in a way no flesh could ever do. So please let us realize that theology is broadening its outlooks and that the views of the past are, in the light of reality, somewhat obsolete because they contain a seriously unbalanced bias based on a repressive view of what may now be thought of as more normative. I don't want to rewrite the moral theology textbooks, but I do want to state that what has happened to me may be normative. I am aware that this interpretation of some highly unusual occurrences, ie. Spiritual Marriage with obvious sexual undertones, could cause some problems in marketing the potential book as this has not been written about explicitly very often. Nevertheless, the mystics often talk about their experiences in sexual or pseudo-sexual terms. Indeed, let us examine the foundations of the soul's intimate relationship with God, 47 as portrayed in the bible. Can anyone deny the acceptance of the Song of Songs, ascribed to King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived according to the bible, as the archetypal relationship of the soul with Jesus Christ, or Yahweh, (if one is Jewish)? Surely, the language used in this classic is much more provocative, sensuous, and explicit, than what I shall shortly reveal. So I am operating in a tradition, established in nothing less than the bible. In addition, this tradition is carried on in modified form, by ostensibly the greatest monk who ever lived in the western church, namely St. Bernard of Clairvaux in his Song of Songs, and by the greatest mystic of the western church, St. John of the Cross. St. John of the Cross carries out his description of the relationship of the spiritual person, or Christian mystic, with the Person of Jesus Christ, in terms which though similar to Solomon, perhaps exceed even him in graphic detail, rich sensuality, and explicitness. So, there is a good basis in Christian literature for sensuality and erotic portrayal. The common threads between my portrayal of an erotic encounter with God, and that of the above mentioned gentlemen, is that they were all one - on - one relationships of God to the subject; they were all highly erotic; they were all conducted in a mystic mode by God, with a mystic; and the person writing the work, (and the soul portrayed in the work, being the same person), were all men in the cases just described. In todays climate, I go a bit further. I see the objections of the past as somewhat repressive. Perhaps, I am more to be pitied than blamed. Maybe, I am being foolhardy. If these next few pages are too much of a scandal to you, may I suggest that you ignore these pages on the what must be conservatively estimated to be the voluptuous, sexual life of this mystic with God and opt for the rest of the abundantly convincing material preceding and following these passages. I claimed to be almost totally or scrupulously honest in this book. This addition that you are reading now means that I have moved a lot closer to that goal. As far as I know, this removes the only significant impediment that remained to keeping that promise. I hope I haven't disappointed you. MY APOLOGIES!!! P.S. I hardly sin at all during these experiences. 48 SPIRITUAL MARRIAGE [IMPORTANT NOTES: The TRUE REAL Marriage ceremony at an unknown date and time around 1987-88, (in St. Michael's Cathedral (R.C.), Toronto, Canada) included the exchange of spiritual rings. While on my knees in front of the Blessed Sacrament exposed on the altar and in deep prayer with great power and activity of the Holy Spirit and with what may have been angels or Grace streaming from the revealed Host in the monstrance, two large rings were apparent, each about six feet across made of some spiritual material glistening like platinum on the right-hand side of God in the monstrance. Jesus and I exchanged many vows eternally, while Jesus' words were being ineffably communicated by the great waves of Golden and Silver Spirit that were sweeping down on me. After mutual betrothal, the first ring came toward me and shrinking in size as it approached slipped onto one of the fingers of my hand (my right hand). I participated in the only way I could by willing the ring to slip on my finger. I also participated in putting the other ring on Jesus' finger. I willed with my mind that the other ring (that I was putting on Jesus' finger) would approach Him and slip onto His finger. The ring grew smaller and smaller until it appeared to be in place. At no time was there any sight of Jesus' body. The Holy Spirit and the angels were there. So was Jesus, but I couldn't see him. I could talk to Him and the Holy Spirit answered. Or was it Jesus in the Holy Spirit? My vows were as extravagent, wild, and lavish, as any lover promised (her) spouse anywhere and anytime; promising Him things that only one in love would have the mind to do or the nerve. I promised to give Him everything. I threw myself at Him. We were married amidst the greatness of the Glory of God. I was flabbergasted. The outpouring of Love and the Glory of God left me awestruck and filled with the Holy Spirit. I was alone in the church. I kept thinking: "can this have happened to me?" I decided to tell no one, not even my spiritual director. My soul was filled with the Light of God. I was "blinded" by the Light. I still to this day don't know any more than approximately when this took 49 place or the details of what happened, because I kept no written records of this once-in-a-lifetime experience. I would gladly have given up the entire remainder of my life, just to have this experience. I thought that to write it down would take away from the profound purity of the occasion. In addition, I thought that my spiritual director at the time would ridicule me. Finally, I wasn't about to let the lascivious eyes of the world sully my memories. I have re-considered. The following additions to the text were made several years later than the actual experiences or their recording. They were very clear in my mind, but it is plain to me that they occurred on very different days from the Spiritual Marriage, although perhaps around the same time. Thus, the experiences here described, while appearing to be one or two individual occurrences, may in fact be a composite of a number of more isolated incidences of God's, especially Jesus' and the Holy Spirit's, power and love, as the state of my memory dictates. Here is one such episode. FIRST SENSUAL EXPERIENCE Now in case you are thinking that this is a story about a psychiatric hallucination, please be informed that I am a manic-depressive and that we don't suffer from hallucinations. Also, it has been the consistent opinion of my spiritual directors that I have valid religious visions and that my spiritual directors have FIVE MASTERS DEGREES AND SIX DOCTORATES BETWEEN THEM. While I was kneeling in the cathedral half - way down the right side aisle, Jesus was with me invisibly. I felt such a sense of elation, mind elevation and a lifting up to the very heights of my spirit and to the very roof of my head. I was ecstatic and as the Spirit swallowed me up, streaming visually and tangibly past me and into me, from the length of the church, I felt such a love pouring out of my heart, warm and red with emotional, spiritual desire for my God - man lover. As the Spirit also touched me sexually, my whole person and being was 50 totally involved, totally geared for action, poised to respond to the Spirit, Jesus - God sent to me. My whole being responded as to the attraction of a most pure virgin girl. It was involuntary. The Holy Spirit was the stimulus. I never saw Jesus, but emotionally I felt as wanton as a young shepherd girl. [ It was very sexual, but not gender-specific--very general and sort of a non-directed sexuality.] I don't think I moved more than once or twice. I was responding to the enticements of the Seducing Spirit. I could feel the Holy Spirit radiating around me in a very sensual way arousing waves of passion. He very, very much electrified me. The Spirit was very, very erotic and provocative -- an instigator, an initiator, a strong force and an agent provocateur with a complete knowledge of me. He was in total control of His subject. It was overwhelmingly erotic, but not at all lustful. It was utterly pure and innocent, being refined by the Spirit. The proof of my virtue is that I remained utterly passive and non-intrusive in intent and action throughout the entire series of these visitations, when God was with me in an erotic way. I was very restrained. But Jesus or the Holy Spirit was not covert in His action - He was very clean and pure and overt. There was no sign of evil, just the Lord, the Holy Spirit putting on such a display of Light and Energy as I have seldom seen. There was no consummation or activity in response by me. Frankly, I was as surprised and puzzled as excited by it. There was this very willful, deliberate ravishing of my body by the most Holy Spirit. What He was trying to do, I do not know. Perhaps, He was purifying me of my sins. I was feeling very much like the Lord Jesus. Perhaps as the Holy Spirit puts it now, it was meant to accentuate my habitual state of impurity at the time. I am sure it was not the evil one. My sins are like scarlet from the distant past, even though I go to weekly confession. The temporal penalty for sin goes on to purgatory and there are some stains from sin that cling and permeate the body. They require a physical\spiritual cleansing that goes deeper than the skin. I suspect that this is what was going on with the Holy Spirit. The excitement was incidental and a byproduct of the cleansing, but it certainly got my attention. [N.B. January 1994. The matter has been further clarified for me by the Lord the Holy Spirit, Himself. He told me 10 minutes ago that what He was doing at the time of these sensual encounters was to radiate me with sensual Energy to show me in the most dramatic 51 and powerful way that I did NOT belong to the women of the world but that, that part of myself along with my whole being belonged to HIM. I grasped very thoroughly at the time that my sexuality was intimately related to God. I was being told that from the point of view of the purity of God (Spirit or Son) that I must leave these women ALONE. I had to stop seeking after women for psycho - sexual or sexual, titillation or satisfaction. I had to turn my whole self completely around to face God. Thus he both purified me and prepared me for a life of greater perfection and led me, the all to willing victim, perhaps even to make an error in judgement and misinterpret for a time the real meaning and significance of the Lord's actions. But He certainly was effective. By the way, I have not touched a woman sexually since 1973, and I am not bisexual or homosexual in orientation although I once had an 8 second encounter, with a confirmed homosexual, that so turned me off that I think I am going to be sick to my stomach, every time I think of it.] The versions recorded here are what I recorded in the memory of the heat of the moment. These two occasions of sin with the Holy Spirit, IF IN FACT THEY ARE SIN, were written in mid-March, 1992 as they appeared in my memory at that time; and the interpretation, immediately above what you are reading at this minute, was added as an afterthought some two weeks later. This is very humiliating to write about but it is real, true, honest and an important part of the whole story. It is my understanding that many contemplatives use the language of human love to express their relationship with the Divine. This is because the two have so much in common. The experiences and language are so alike that the contemplative can find no other words to express his or her ardour than the language of lover and beloved. What I have expressed here is an account of my encounter with my God in the most graphic terms, that I dare to express. It was a total experience--it was very, very sensual. But the Spiritual Marriage, a separate experience, was a Marriage first of all and the mode was sensual secondarily. To say that it was sexual first is to deny the major importance of the Marriage as a Mystical Marriage. I hope God will forgive me for the slipshod way I have presented this material. I beg your forgiveness, oh Mighty One, Lord Jesus.[The spiritual Marriage was a reciprocal, 52 relationship with Jesus and I communicating responsively, while the passage outlined above was one in which I was almost totally passive. I was totally unable to know what to do in this latter situation or experience. I was unable to move.] THE SECOND SENSUAL EXPERIENCE On the second occasion, either before or after the marriage "ceremony," I was rapaciously assaulted by God (Jesus, if I remember correctly) in the sweet slaying onslaught of the Spirit. I was transfixed by overwhelming waves of Light and electric-flowing Energy that set my nerves on fire, set the hair on my arms on end and poised my sensuality for action. There is no doubt that the Spirit ravished me, took me by storm and had a definite, deliberate, sexual intent and content. Can God act sensually or sexually? I guess so!! I KNOW SO!!. [But god is not sexual Himself.] When a young legitimately married couple become aroused, does the Holy Spirit take part? I would proclaim that yes, He does take part as He is the Lord, the Giver of Life and where else would our babies come from. I experience a great number of influences as do all males, that could only come from the action of Grace. God is alive and influencing us, well. . . sexually. The normal mode He acts in is, and I expect I will raise an uproar, one of chastity even in marriage. Think about it. It would cut down on some of the suffering due to sexual dependancy, co - dependancy and sexual selfishness. I know a number of married couples who have voluntarily opted for a chaste and essentially celibate relationship, quite happily. I had a very typical, somewhat promiscuous, somewhat immoral, sex life with young ladies, when I was a young man. I became a voluntary celibate eighteen years ago in 1973. This was largely due to my wanting to stop sinning and because of an unhappy love affair. You can't have sex outside marriage, Jesus says. I am celibate. I can't have sex with myself or with myself with God. But if God comes to me on a sexual level, God can arouse me and do whatever He wants. That is, whatever God wants. I am not involved. I virtually never fall into temptation, when 53 God turns me on. Virtually, never! But I wonder if I am missing some fun that God would like to share with me (never trust that word, "fun"). However, I know the teaching of the Church and the Church is the great purveyor of all good things that are of eternal value; sacraments, scripture, mystical theology, etc., so I cleave to the Church in my understanding of God. If the Church says, "don't touch" I do my best not to touch. And the Church does say, "don't touch". However, like you I can occassionally be tempted. So, don't think that a licentious sex life with or without a partner is a means to reaching God. In a marriage, maybe partially, but otherwise - no. I had to wait many years after my last girlfriend until Jesus came to realize His Marriage to me. And the Marriage was never consummated EVER in ANY physical consummation. I'm being blunt, so as not to mislead anyone. [The Marriage was a pure, ethereal experience of joy and spiritual ecstasy with a conversion and transformation of myself interiorly, according to my vows and the transforming power of JESUS and the HOLY SPIRIT.] It was a profound moment of excitement. But, oh, the magnitude of the honour perhaps, of (being stimulated) by God and definitely of being Married to God, the Son. I suspect it is a once in a lifetime experience. There are many honours, but only one marriage in a lifetime. I know how much a girl values her marriage to her husband. It is hard work; it is hard to be faithful. It is hard to be faithful in every detail to Jesus, too, but He is always faithful, so that makes it easier. But one can't be a foolish virgin. One must love Him constantly. [ However, all the attention was a bit overpowering to say the least!!!] So, I am bound in Marriage to Jesus forever,YYIPPEEE!!! Let us remind ourselves that God is everywhere and His Graces can affect us anywhere and everywhere physically, especially in our bodies. God is no Prude! He can see our bodies both through us, from inside our clothes and from the inside our bodies, out!!! The point in this is that God's Graces can touch us sexually anytime He wants! And I can assure you that if it was not for the action 54 of these Graces, we would be very dangerous to ourself and others. It is one of the functions of God's Graces to mitigate the force of our passions with His own supernatural, Divine love, nurturing, caring, and preserving us in our distress and weakness. Now, I suspect that God does a lot of other things to our sexual self with His Graces. I say this because not all the sexual things we experience consciously or sub-consciously, can be accounted for by our biology or psychology (or, in short, ourselves). Neither can they all be accounted for by the action (or stimuli) of others. Finally, while the devil may be a factor in some temptation, I believe that he is greatly overrated in this unsavoury department. God is a principal actor in the whole terrible story which we could call "OUR SEX SINS." [But He is absolutely arraigned against sin. He is pro-chastity and the good of us all. He is completely alien to sin as the Church defines it. He is THE GOOD OF THE WORLD. He cannot countenance sin, but He will never ever turn His back on the sinner, and that's all of us.] He\she who masters him \ herself in this area is blessed indeed. [But the Lord, the Holy Spirit can influence us sexually, physically or psychologically.] COMMENTARY AND SUPPORTIVE ARGUMENTS Julian of Norwich, in Revelations of Divine Love, writes: "For by nature, our will wants God and the good will of God wants us. We shall never cease wanting and longing until we possess Him in fullness and joy". In another place she writes: "And when our soul was breathed into our body and our senses began to work, at once mercy and Grace began to work, too, in pity and love caring for us and preserving us. In this work the Holy Spirit forms in our faith the hope that we shall come again to our substance who is above, to the virtue of Christ, developed and perfected through the Holy Spirit. In this way I understood that sensuality is founded in nature in mercy and in Grace and such a foundation enables us to accept gifts that lead to eternal life". 55 The following four quotation areas are from an audio cassette entitled, Contemplation, Women and Sexuality by Rosemary Haughton. She says that: 1. Julian thinks that "everything made is good"; for Julian "the soul is made sensual" ......"but in the same point that our soul is made sensual, in the same point is the City of God established from without beginning." ".....Christ's passion exists to heal the division of soul and body."......."soul and substance can be oned - (oneing)." 2. "The links between sexual arousal and religious ecstacy are well recognized." 3. "John Donne wrote.....'I cannot be chaste unless you ravish me.'" 4. "Religious, aesthetic or sexual ecstacy are all experiences of sensuality, in which the body and Spirit respond together to forces the mind can only symbolize. Having looked at these quotes, I must say that the tendency still exists in our lives for a duality of our sexual and spiritual natures - separate and opposed in the same manner, as matter and spirit are sometimes opposed. In fact, apparently science is proving that matter and spirit are not incompatible, but are, in fact, perhaps even composed of the same "stuff". Take, for instance, even the very old statement that "everything is Grace" (or gift, if you like), including moral sexuality. For me, the essential part of sensuality is faithfulness to one's partner, uncompromising faithfulness, but God has liberties and reasons we know not of. We will now look at the relationship of the male praying person to the Godman lover, Jesus Christ in the mystical Spiritual Marriage, with the aim of validating and endorsing such a relationship. The problems involved in marrying a him to a Him may seem insurmountable, but they are not. Read on. St. John of the Cross writes of the spiritual espousal in The Spiritual Canticle, as he does of the spiritual marriage. He speaks of the soul as being the Bride of Christ and calls it "her". Now, he writes all this as a man writing from 56 personal experience, a "him" calling himself a "her", not as coming from the mouth of a nun he is giving direction to. The reason that the soul is feminine is for the very reason that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are masculine. So a man should not be accused of a perverse relationship, if he has a spiritual marriage with Jesus . IT IS SPIRITUAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, SENSUAL AND INTELLECTUAL UNION. It is strongly emotional too. Evelyn Underhill writes that those who think that "the Spiritual Marriage of St. Catherine or St. Teresa veils a perverted sexuality ... do but advertise their ignorance of the mechanism of the arts:" (P. 80, Mysticism by Evelyn Underhill.) Ms. Underhill spends considerable time on P. 139-140 of Mysticism, describing the intimate detailed account by Richard of St. Victor of the 4 stages of union with the absolute. He describes his steps as the "betrothal, the marriage, the wedlock and the fruitfulness of the soul." Now, he is speaking of his experience, as well as laying down a pattern for others to follow and study. These betrothals and marriages are above all a surrender and Jesus gives all to you; indeed, He is all and becomes you, or more correctly, He makes you into Himself. He gives you all of Heaven and everything in it, His entire Self, His Father, Mother and Holy Spirit. The soul, she surrenders quietly all her self: all the good and evil, the faults, the entire physical body and all its parts, all relationships, cares, attitudes, memories, loves, hates, fears, and her entire history in time and eternity or anywhere else, etc. We are seeing that a man can marry Jesus Christ. It is as normative in the mystical life as women doing the same thing, although some men find it distasteful. But it is in no way perverted. Don't forget it is one of the supreme gifts of God. God initiates it with even the most masculine of men. [ One cannot consummate a physical relationship with God, Jesus or the Lord, the Holy Spirit. The goal is to be spiritual, not carnal. Nevertheless, some experiences of God are both sensual and spiritual]. Plotinus and Henry Suso are two contemplatives separated by centuries whom Evelyn Underhill says have similar elements in their understanding of Spiritual Marriage. On P. 415 of Mysticism she says: "The Mystic for whom 57 intimate and personal communion has been true, made under which he (masculine) best apprehended reality, speaks of the consummation of this communion, its perfect and permanent form, as the Spiritual Marriage of his (masculine) soul with God." [ The brackets and contents are mine.] It includes men. It designates men (but not exclusively of course). [There may be a sexual element in the form of a temptation, to be attracted to the Spirit of God or Jesus, but the less sexual the more spiritual. God is very powerful. It is easy to become attracted to the Lord, the Holy Spirit. And it is easy to become attracted to Jesus in the Holy Spirit. I say this based on the writings of some of the great mystics and from personal experience. The prevailing wisdom throughout history is that these sexual experiences are entirely suspect. I ABSOLUTELY DON'T AGREE. They are not suspect. The Holy Spirit is the active partner. The human subject should be passive primarily because he \ she has to be passive to avoid sin. To be sure there is room for abuse, but I'll bet that these episodes are just another case of God stressing to His lover that THIS IS SEX AND GOD MADE IT GOOD [IN MARRIAGE]. God initiates it. It is on His agenda. One takes humbly and thankfully that which God offers. Naturally, the only legitimate forum for human sexuality is marriage. I am in no way trying to undermine that rock-solid, principle. But there is a larger truth here. God sees fit to offer Himself in so sublime a union with myself that it must include a dedication of His Spirit to myself in all ways, so that no part of myself may remain unclaimed or unredeemed. After the marriage event, I ceased to take seriously the allurements of the various girls or women who inhabit my world. I have become progressively less and less interested in them as God - Jesus and the Most Blessed and Blessing Trinity have all but taken over my will and conscious thoughts. Jesus is more important to me, based on volume of thought, than any creature (person) by a ratio of about 20 / 1. The content about Him is more important in the ratio of infinity to a grain of sand in magnitude. I defy you to criticize these things validly. The mystics quoted on the next page or two may seem to be prudes, but the Spirit's Presence and power is compelling.. BUT first.... 58 It is a matter of how purified we have become. The Spirit gives Life, the flesh is of no avail. This wisdom applies as true because the flesh as we know it is carnal, subject to the passions and temporal--earth ---bound in other words; while the Spirit feeds the soul with treasures unheard of on earth and a wisdom that is so sublime, so Heavenly, so beautiful, so adorable in origin that men, if they knew the secret of the key to God's Heart, they would abandon all trade and commerce, all lovemaking, all entertainment, all earthly wisdom and Rush to the Source of all Grace, of all things, of all creatures. So this carnal pursuit of men is of relatively little eternal value. But what I have presented to you as a sexual encounter with God is a sign that God can act physically with His Spirit, independantly according to His mind; and that He sometimes presents His Love to man in terms that incidently most appeal to man and that he can best recognize and understand (IE) water, wine, bread, oil, Grace and Spirit, Light and darkness. In my experience, He ALWAYS appears to us sensually, IE. we sense Him in some way. One of these ways is sexually. Sexuality is perhaps one of the most totally sensual experiences. The only way we can experience God that is not experiential or sensual is in thought, which is not directly derived from the environment IE. imagination or intellect. But even these obey God's laws and have their roots in God. They can be influenced interiorly by God. There is a sixth sense. Evelyn Underhill also says further along in MYSTICISM, that "the 'language of deification` and of 'Spiritual Marriage` then, is temperamental language: and is related to subjective experience rather than to objective fact. It describes on the one hand the mystics astonished recognition of a profound change effected (in the change of) (masculine) his salt, sulphur and mercury into Spiritual Gold - on the other, the rapturous consummation of his (masculine) love." [My brackets, contents and underlining.R.D.] Can you see that, and it is I, Rob Defries that speaks, sexual imagery is equally hard for a literal reading, to deal with involving a woman or a man. The language is problematic, but the ring ceremony at St. Michael's Cathedral is perhaps more problematic. Jesus has a Spiritual Body - He couldn't have sexual 59 relations if He wanted to (because, also possibly, perhaps, he couldn't want to). There are inevitably always Graces from Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit that influence us genitally and affect us. So have mercy on the poor contemplatives who are married to Jesus. They aren't perverted, sick, or weird. They are pure, true and holy. They need your support. All divisions of the Divine Light and Divine Energies are a partial view of the beatific vision. St Paul says "for now we see in a mirror (or glass) dimly but then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; there I shall understand fully, even as I have been understood." First Cor. 13:12. NEW SUBJECT I am an egoist. I see myself as being at the centre of my world. [Wrong. God is at the centre of my world. I am just looking in, I see God when I open my mind and eyes and I face the centre. There is no one between me and God and the Heavenly host.] I feel close sometimes very close to God. [DOUBTS] I think now that I don't have union with Christ, although I ask very often for it. I have at times the view of Light in my body [with my eyes from outside my body] and God the Most Blessed Trinity dwells in me. But most of the time, the Light is outside myself. It touches me and enters me as Light and Grace. I don't know if it is the Most Blessed Father, Son or Holy Spirit, but it is God. But the Light goes, union is not there [ as of Nov.'90 the Light is available from any source in amounts ranging from 5% to 60% of previous displays - 70% of the time - but not so readily and not so brilliantly and it takes more work usually to prove to God that I am serious.] March 16, l987 I experience snakes and spiders, bats, frogs, etc. the very odd time in my visions, just before sleep - eyes closed or shut, terrible faces and a lot of shadows, 60 plus fire in the background [The term hypnagogic hallucinations could be used here. They are in my imagination - ie. not visionary.] - But why are they usually appearing evil? - What is the origin of the content? - Why are they usually feeling evil? - Is it I that is so depraved, evil and depressed or is it due to the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . presence of the evil one etc. etc ? Should I pray with my eyes closed or is it alright to keep them opened, if they are not focused or active. [From the beginning of practicing the saying of a "mantra" I felt more comfortable with my eyes wide open. I would say the mantra seated in a comfortable sitting position. I remind you that the mantra I use is the oldest one commonly in use: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me a sinner"]. Breathing often adjusts itself to the saying of the mantra. I focus my eyes on a blank piece of wall or on some imaginary point in the air and repeat the mantra slowly. I try to avoid being conscious of the mantra, but to keep my mind from wandering or thinking I return, again and again to the mantra. While praying, I never stop saying the mantra, except for specific prayer. After I had done this for some 3 weeks for 1/2 hour per night, I became aware of a Presence and gradually over my nearly dead body I began to accept more and more that what was happening was from God .. I sense my experiences are like those of St. Teresa of Avila. Is this a bit true? Is it bad? Is it hopeful? I had a psychological report - some parapsychological phenomenon and some signs of illness. 61 My I.Q. is l38 - l39 where 131 is the genius level. Very superior in verbal and comprehension and spatial reasoning or 147 - 148 where genius is measured at 140. P.S. Who is in charge here, the Holy Spirit or the other guy? Should I force myself by discipline? What is the average presence of good and evil in the typical spiritual environment, (when I pray as a typical person prays), as a ratio - or another way of saying it is - how much of what transpires is due to (s?) Spirits, evil or good? [I put the small and capitol (s)S's to signify the created spirits and the Spirit of God respectively.] Who (what spirit) is normally present? Is it easy or hard to summon a negative influence by mistake? My projection and splitting off I now understand - but there is a lot of psychic energy or spirits, I don't know which it is, that I have trouble dealing with. I know I should ignore it, but it is very hard to ignore. I hope you will still work with me in spite of these extraordinary difficulties. What is a valid religious experience from God, if I am supposed to shut down all phenomenon? By the way I know of no doctrine or theology of spirits, except I read an article by a Jesuit about discernment of Spirits, and I have never attended a spiritualist church - never worked a Ouija board or a seance, never read a book on the occult except the Tibetan Book of the Dead and one chapter of a book on witchcraft - my evil is all my own in that sense, although I have picked up some evil in my contacts with other people. I have trouble forgiving or at least forgetting. I have many unresolved conflicts about a lot of people. "By the way - I don't feel secure with you - I feel you are critical which is good [or is It? I was afraid of him psychologically], but I feel vulnerable and stupid. Is it possible that the oppression I experience is not evil, but is caused by the stress of resisting the obvious action of Grace (The Divine Light) which I mistakenly identify as evil; but shadows, cobwebs, demons imploding into my 62 brain, etc. Are they good or evil? I ask you!!!!! Roger's answers to my questions: The Son is not God's servant God does not afflict people God does not compel - He gives freedom Seek God not the gift Priority of Mysticism - use temperance and prudence Virtue is in the middle - Glory or terrible days - is no good, too extreme Devil comes each day, every time, worship Jesus ONLY get killed once and for a good cause - philosophy on martyrdom. You are too preoccupied with the evil one Its an unjust world so to be the victim of injustice is to be normal. November 30th I went off on an interior journey in a waking dream. I was with more and more snakes (biting me), frogs - weird animals - I couldn't fight them off. They got stronger and stronger - I gave in. It got intolerable. I got an idea. I was in the courtyard of the interior castle. I would say, "get me out of here". I did. I was running along looking weird pursued by snakes with frogs all along the way. I ran until I came to a big cliff. I looked down and down tilI I saw water - Niagara Falls. I fell in. I was carried by a stream to a cavern. There was a fresco on the wall with light - it showed Jesus. I thought something and it went away. I had rejected it. I saw hundreds of cherubs flying through the sky. One in the centre with a big bow appeared to be Jesus. Then I could not see Him - so I started saying, "take me to you, Jesus" over and over. I saw many weird animals - a snake eating itself in the form of an 8 or an infinity sign. I came closer to Jesus. This time He was [standing] quite still - almost naked 63 with an apple in His hand. I rejected Him completely. He looked so lost and forlorn not as I imagine Him at all. Then I started a process of coming to the surface again. There were frogs and snakes. I heard a voice say "you're back" and here I am. I am afraid God doesn't love me deep down. I am afraid deep down that Jesus won't forgive my sins at the last judgement of my existence. Roger said, "stop moving in, move out, too much introspection." Throughout my prayer I really think that Jesus doesn't care - that is my underlying attitude. If He did He wouldn't let me suffer this way. I feel betrayed - I am tired, weary, dirty, lazy, indolent and lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I am out of communion with God, but I blame Him for that. I fell off the edge of a spiritual cliff. I fell a long way. He could have saved me. He is omnipotent. Now He is not even present. He never comes when I call. I feel like crying. I'm so helpless. Who is embarrassed during prayer, if you are saying a Hail Mary for (him, her, etc.). [I was seeing a spiritual blush come over a face (which I couldn't see) while saying a Hail Mary. [Roger says - projection ]. Wrong. It was a true spiritual experience of a spirit - Mary's I think. It did not come from me. [Or it could have come from the evil one - it has happened several times. But it looks so feminine.] God wants you in Heaven with Him. He is not a strict taskmaster who wants to keep you or anybody out. LISTEN!! It was revealed to me that a person I know, who is dead, is in Heaven in spite of the fact that he felt he had problems or faults that denied him entrance into Heaven. He had some faults and sins and he didn't, to my knowledge, go to church for 30 years. But it is constantly being revealed to me that he is in Heaven -- not even in purgatory by this time -- he is in Heaven. He was a Protestant. So don't write off Heaven because of impediments in your mind. 64 You may not know it, but you could be a saint there. And don't write off the Protestants. Also, don't forget 11th hour conversions. The phenomena (Light) were all attacking me, clinging to me, trying to get me to give in to make a mistake, tonight. [This is a time when I was calling God, "evil"]. Everything in the room radiates evil at me, with varying degrees of intensity, during the rosary (and all day maybe, for as long as seven days). It was not friendly. The good stuff is not much different!!! (but it is pleasant and friendly) (Light radiance). [I was in violent opposition to the Light as it presented itself most of the time. Absolutely on edge against it because: 1- One priest had told me it was evil. 2- Another priest had said I had to be indifferent to it, [neither accepting, nor rejecting it.] [Roger said - change to another prayer. Wrong in my opinion - I must PERSEVERE ] During the evil times, I get the idea that it was evil behind the good stuff too; but then when it is good, I think that the evil is so different and so negative that this gently helpful, healing, offering balm is like Light, Peace and stillness with the Presence of friendliness, compared with the violent possession and evil malevolence of the bad time. [It was as though God presented two different faces. This went on for a year or more - this dichotomy is the way God presented Himself. The closest way I can describe some of the occurrences is to say they were like a spiritual electrical storm in the middle of a blizzard. The snow, ice, and lightning were all made of spiritual "stuff" which could be seen and felt. Lines and fields of force and the occasional exterior - locution and very rarely an interior locution. [All from the Most Blessed Trinity.] 65 At various times last night, I was visited by a wolf, large, black and very indistinct, but announced as a wolf - that shattered into light that clung to the bookcase etc. Later, I was visited by a snake - a python, I would say judging by the size of its head - all while I was listening to Dom John Main on tape and praying the Jesus Prayer. [These are visions possibly from the evil one although neither threatened or frightened me much. The vision of the wolf was very peaceful but the snake made me nervous.] One of my great sources of hope is contained in my head, in my relationship with one of my ex-girlfriends that I met in Kingston, Ontario and moved to Toronto and Hamilton with for some four years. I truly can say I love her [still], and I thank God for her. This relationship occupies my head. I shoved so much of her into me so hard that she won't come out. [In religious terms, she is both an ideal and an IDOL to me, like Dante's Beatrice. She is very beautiful to the enamoured eye. Her image remains inside my memory to this day. But God speaks through her image. God's ways are fathomless and true. He always brings good out of evil. "Who has known the mind of God and who has given Him counsel". So don't disbelieve me when I say God, and / or Jesus, and / or the Holy Spirit or the whole of the All - Blessed Trinity work throughout that idol, the image of one of my more recent exgirlfriends]. My hopes will never be shattered because I will never see her again, unless I get sick. [She was a very close friend of mine, who completely captured me, watched me further self-destruct into illness, and then broke off the relationship for good in 1976. She was my interior (invisible) mentor, my interior nurse in absentia for the years leading up to l982, after I entered a community run by a gentleman in Hamilton. Really, "she" was the Holy Spirit. Since l976, she remains important to me and I have observed that God operates very strongly through my memory of her and her image in my mind. I have even heard a characteristic expression said in a shocked tone: "ROB!!!" This is when I am 66 about to offend God or have done so. It is a locution I am referring too. God brings order through even my youthful folly and immaturity.] God brings good out of evil and in a perfect way, that only He can do or judge ultimately.[ Actually, I must confess that she did absolutely the right thing in breaking up with me, when she did just before 1976. I was busy self-destructing into illness and I know I wasn't much fun. I must congratulate her, if I ever see her again. But it sure was no fun for me!!! She never once wrote, or called or passed on a message.] [ It was the worst and longest pain that I have ever suffered. It lasted with considerable severity for more than 14 years. I was destitute with my illness and all I had were my memories. Also, the illness really was devastating.] [They were treating me with drugs for schizophrenia while I had manic - depression - God forgive us all for the whole thing.] To be sure, when I was ill during the first 20 years of my illness, they very seldom diagnosed people as being manic depressive - it was a relatively rare disease. Then they discovered the beneficial effects of lithium and thousands of manic depressives were found that had previously been treated very unsuccessfully as schizophrenics. Isn't science and madicine wonderful??? June 13/88 Roger's notes : You need a clear sign from God, if you are going to be an anchorite. Is it not better to do the world's work than to do what I am doing? - It isn't by what we do that God acts through us. It is by living the life of Christ. It means sharing in the suffering, being th.e. p. e.r.f.ec. t. f.o.o.l. f.o.r. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Christ. - Many kinds [of discipleship]. God saves you where you are. - You don't have to be normal [so a mental patient could have a profound prayer life - do I extrapolate . . . . correctly.] Amos - "what does the Lord ask of you - humbly, obediently to His word to 67 walk with Him." Paul - visions are not the centre - God is. Read 1st Corinthians 2 and Romans 8 68 HIS VIEWS ON MY EXPERIENCES BY FRANK ROBINSON, MY P SYCHOMETRIST AND MY REPLY OR REFUTATION. [Frank is my psychometrist who has been my friend for 4 years now (June, 1988). I see him one hour, once a week, to this day. By the way this is his real name and identity. He is a very kind person, generous and inevitably selflessly, other-oriented. He is genuine, quite bright and his overriding characteristics are compassion or mercy. He belongs to a small, basically Christian Church, but he does not share my church's teaching on hell and damnation. He feels that everyone is saved and that no one is lost because God's love and mercy are infinite (apocatastasis). My own insistence on Catholic teaching, the bible and the witness of the saints he accepts for me! Also, he is a syncretist. He mixes teachings of other faiths with Christianity, notably those of Islam, Hinduism and Buddhism, such as reincarnation in the latter two. These teachings are by definition, not Christian teachings. Also, he feels the devil is not or should not be a factor. We part company on these points, but our relationship remains warm and from my perspective, satisfyingly intimate.] Frank's views: It is a complex question. The answer is not easily accounted for. Some of the phenomenon are undoubtedly auditory, visual or somatic hallucinations. [Even he can see some validity in my experiences. Note the use of the word "some".in HIS preceding sentence R.D.] These phenomena are hallucinations, because they occur outside of the normally accepted sensory pathways. [Mystical experiences are outside normally accepted sensory pathways R.D..] A number of the ideas surrounding the illusions would be classified as being delusional.[Or not explained by conventional thinking - R.D.] [Frank's views again.] For example, some influences are drawn from objective reality: ie. a turn of the head influencing an event in the environment are without any basis in reality, according to the normal mode of perceiving and 69 thinking. [This phenomena can be easily explained as a mystical experience. It is not unusual or isolated. In the normal situation, it is bizarre. To the mystic, it is an action of the Holy Spirit. R.D. ] These experiences are considered to be examples of a disordered mind in the psychiatric sense. [Wrong - they are mystical. The psychiatric sense is often severely prejudiced against religion and "irrational and unexplained phenomenon".R.D.] Medication is provided to help ease the severity of these disturbances. [Not these "disturbances" but a recognized chemical imbalance...I would agree that I have a chemical imbalance, but the phenomena are, and respond as, spiritual. They do not respond to medication at all because they are spiritual. When my medication is working well, then the "visions" are just as vivid as when there is no medication present, in fact much clearer.R.D.] However, [Frank's opinion] psychiatry and its theories are not able to compass or give directions to the total structure of the psyche or the mind. There is a grey area where events of a para-normal nature do not fit into the traditional psychiatric mould. One of the ideas is - ego syntonicity. Is the effect of the experiences constructive or destructive to the personality? This may be simplistic, but can be useful, for the saint or the mystic often will have experiences of this nature, and this does not make him/her any less functional in the world (or egosyntonic). It is empirical because you can observe how well a person can function. [But one may be pre - occupied, absent - minded, in religious ecstasy, or oppressed by the devil. R.D.] One of the criteria, to determine whether experiences are psychiatric or paranormal ego- syntonic ones, is to be able to question the degree of truth they purport. Can one be objective about one's experiences - are they true? The possibility that it is not true is always present. Any skilled and sympathetic observation from an outside observer (spiritual or psychological) is good. [Does the observer have the same mode and tools for observing? R.D.] Are they able to be objective to the person's experiences? [But, can the observer see or hear everything the mystic does? Does not the observer live in a different world - the mundane 70 world? And who is to say that the mundane world is more valid than the mystical world? What are your criteria for judging? Are the scales weighted more in favour of the mundane world? The problem is that you just don't understand because you haven't experienced God directly. Believe me, you would be an instant convert if you did. And is it sickness or is it God? Well. if we can agree that God exists, then WHERE IS HE ? DOES HE HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH EARTH - EVER ? DOES GOD VISIT OR INFLUENCE THE EARTH ? DOES HE INFLUENCE US, DIRECTLY??? R.D.] Frank again. If the experiences don't stand up to rational investigation and can't be explained in any sensible manner, even if the parameters are different from the observer (the person listening), then the experiences may be delusional. For example, most people don't accept paranormal phenomenon, but it is accepted by some, so there is a wide latitude of acceptance here. [Would a Saint's visions of Jesus or Mary be considered delusional? I think that I should warn you that by asking that question and by how you answer it you are indicating whether you have a fundamentally religious, specifically Christian view of life or the universe. - R.D.] [Frank's views] R.D. Laing - mental illness is a state of incongruence between the meaning worlds of self and other (people) and in this view, can be looked upon as a disturbance in communication with the cause or seat of the disturbance, lying in the inner cognitive and feeling structure of the other. There has to be order to the personality and the ability to communicate. R.D. Laing thinks the disturbed intra-psychic process in the so-called patient is to be accepted and may be a sane solution to an insane situation. (A non-judgmental viewpoint R.D.). There is the need to communicate and relate in common forms, gestures and meanings for the sake of daily living and inhabiting a common world. [But the mystics world is common to him / her and God's world.] In the so called mentally ill, there are also often disturbances of feeling; eg - no feeling, lability (feeling swings), pervasive and euphoric moods (mania), depression or aggressiveness. So (in Robert's case) there is a mixture of mental 71 illness and a mixture of experience that is probably valid. It is sometimes very hard to tell when the illness is there and when the mysticism is there. [ Could that be because there is a lot of mysticism present - IE. mystery. --R.D.]. MY FURTHER COMMENTS - R.D. The ego-dystonic or performance debilitating effect most often presented by Frank is the presence of Mr. D. or the devil. Frank says this causes instability, depression, and other negative effects, which are dystonic and are therefore indicative of an unhealthy spirituality and illness. I admit they are present, but only with the knowledge of Almighty God. Also, they drew or forced me into a closer relationship with the Most Holy Trinity, (Jesus in particular) as a compensating mechanism. I would present the jury with the example of Sister Josefa Menendez who was plagued by the devil, until she died as a result of the fiend's terrors and actions. She is a candidate for sainthood. According to Frank she is ego-dystonic. In addition, St. Catherine of Sienna was oppressed by the evil one often. Indeed, most contemplatives are occupied with fighting evil from time to time in the form of the devil. Tuesday July 2nd, 1991 [The explanations of Frank Robinson, my psychometrist as to why he finds certain types of my phenomena suspect from a mental health perspective are, in fact, suspect themselves. In the first place, the devil was only involved in approximately less than 20% of the occurrences, as I presented them to him. The experiences of the devil he considers ego-dystonic or a sign of illness. As I have pointed out elsewhere, the presence of the devil may be seen as a sign of, even in fact, some sanctity, if we consider he often only afflicts those he thinks may escape him. I am not playing tic-tac-toe with the devil. He wants to destroy me, because I belong to Jesus Christ. This is not the sign of a disordered mind, it is an endorsement of my spirituality. It is realistic spiritually. God is the one who allows the devil to occasionally plague me. God does this with full knowledge of the total 72 situation, locally and cosmically. He acts only for my own good and the common GOOD. He always leaves a way out for us. So if the devil is present, accept it. Don't accept the devil but accept that he is there. God either wants him there or permits him to be there and for a purpose. Fight him and resist him until "he flees". Frank basically wants to pretend that the devil doesn't exist OR that he can't come into my world. The other incidence of so called mental illness that Frank mentions, "the turn of a head", is a simple case of a prayer thought by me, triggering a movement by a very visible and powerful Holy Spirit that apparently caused the other person involved to move their head. If one accepts that prayer is sometimes effective and that God can influence human events, movements, and even thoughts, then is it too much to ask that Frank and the reader accept my observations on this single isolated occurrence? He just can't bring himself to believe for more than a few hours at a time. But I have had him believing on many occasions and he has often sat spellbound and entranced, as I told him my Truth about God. But he doesn't understand for long and he seems unable to change his judgements. Frank has listened carefully, indeed at times with rapt attention, to my almost endless stories of spiritual experience. He has been generally accepting of my world view, more as time went on and I gathered expert opinion of a world-class calibre to back up my experiences. My illness is more affective (or a mood disorder such as manic-depressive) than schizophrenic. Hence it usually does not consist in delusions or hallucinations, unless I am seriously ill.[And these can be common to a mood disorder like manic-depression as well as the more traditional thought disorder called schizophrenia.] The normal mode of mystical, supernatural experiences characteristic of my prayer life is one of calm, integrity, [the experiences are easily integrated] peace and unity. [Indeed the Spirits of the All-Holy Trinity effect the integration by Their own powers.] 73 When I am ill, it is as though the mirror of God's experiences is shattered; there is disorganization, great tension and conflict. I exhibit great personality changes with violent emotional upheavals, agitated behaviour, great releases of psychic and / or nervous energy and NO ABILITY TO PRAY.[So sickness negates these experiences. They are healthy.] No! My experiences are better seen as real and valid as examples of mystical phenomena. Now granted, when Mr. D. (or the dirty old devil) gets his teeth in me, I get some distress, but it has never been treated as an illness by the staff at my hospital. They just recommend some hot milk to get me to sleep. In almost all cases of mystical experience that I have had, I have been taking large doses of medication (which are not responsible for the experiences by the way). I have usually only experienced God when the medication is balanced and effective. I experienced God in these ways (Light and Energy) from the ages of 3 years in the playpen to 23 years from time to time, and I didn't start to use meds until I was 23 years old. So they aren't caused by meds. Similarly, I didn't have my breakdown until I was approximately 18 years old, so they aren't caused by overt malignant illness. In short, the phenomena or experiences are not caused by the illness or the medication. They are restricted, inhibited, indeed totally obscured more and more, by increasingly acute illness. The medication calms down the arena enough for the players to take the stage. The fact that it is secular psychology that is judging a religious event or subject must not be lost sight of. Frank has a professional reputation as well as a job to protect. He MUST, I strongly suspect, comment on my experiences from a secular world view that excludes or marginalizes God, much less Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and that is strictly empirical to the Christian world. (I hope I don't misjudge him). It has its own values, however perverted, and endorses concepts such as Freudian explanations or interpretations that, while they may have some 74 basis in a secular world, hardly uplift the individual in his search for a better attitude towards himself, others, or a God-centred world and value system. [I feel Frank's professional self, that is, in relationship to his collegues and his profession, is probably much influenced by them. He is quite religious, but I am sure that the demands of his profession over - ride this.] Frank has helped me a lot and I believe that we have both learned a lot from each other. His persistent advice, "don't resist the evil (the devil), when he comes upon you - just let him pass through", was intended in the bible to deal with people, not the devil and flies in the teeth of the Christian admonition to "Resist the devil and he will flee from you". Frank refuses to back down on this point. His idea, that there is no one in hell is wishful thinking. But I know that it is an easy frame of mind for the staff to get into. I might have done the same if I were him. Frank is a very humane person with a true concern for his patients. However, he has consistently told me things that show, that when push comes to shove and either he or I are in between a rock and a hard place vis-a-vis hospital policy, that he is a company man, that his allegiances only go within the parameters of the therapeutic process, as outlined by the hospital policy. I feel for him because he is a potentially great human being and he does some good work. But he is hamstrung by his circumstances. Still, he does very well. I love him like a Christian brother. [Frank tended to look for illness while I was looking for God. His search was for pathology and he saw it in the middle of my experiences of God. If I may say it, his eye was too jaded to see the truth. Enough said on these subjects -just a few points to close]. The question must inevitably arise. "What happens when a man (or woman) is led by God and Graced by god to embark upon a program of divinization, IF THAT PERSON IS MENTALLY ILL?" There can be no doubt that I am a well 75 person with a disability, mentally ill without drugs, but able to live an almost normal life with the use of medical drugs, with the exception of my inability to stand the stress of a full-time job and also a tendency to the odd, short breakdown. [But God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit has blessed me with a plethora of their Presence and Graces and called me. "This day I have begotten you." This is how it has on one occasion been expressed (in a paraphrase of Scripture about Jesus.) I have been led on, chided, chastened, humbled, engaged, (spiritually married, once to Jesus), exalted over and over again while I proceed from mere undeveloped human to divinized [sometimes incorrectly called deified], small "g" "god". This journey is the subject matter of this book.] [To deny what has obviously happened and is documented on these pages as having happened is ridiculous. The conclusion is inescapable. The mentally ill are capable of profound spiritual growth and may embark on a program leading to the highest levels of religious experience, to the Godhead and even to becoming "gods" themselves.] [Now to get back to Frank. When I first wrote this passage in 1986 -87, I was afraid of being ill, of being accused, and of looking foolish. I had not experienced all the wonderful things that have happened to me since then. I apologize for the weak nature of my writing. I hope the last few pages have been more satisfactory - dated 9:25 P.M., Tuesday, July 2, 1991.] Frank also cannot accept some of the supernatural character of the phenomenon, good or evil. He cannot see how it could be valid or realistic, so he rejects it. He "can't see God". Suffice it to say that God's ways are not our ways and truth is stranger than fiction. There is more unseen than seen! However, if he doesn't see it, it doesn't exist. 76 There is a very definite strong possibility that the omnipresent meaning that is in my environment and the Light that floods my world from a great variety of sources in the environment [none of them tangible] are from God. Is my illness not a Grace from God? ["Everything is Grace", one saint said.] I must face the possibility that it is not a Grace from God [this undermines the whole basis of my soul - mind and emotional being]. Do you know if it is sickness or Spirit? Let us discuss this in a great deal of detail and with as much discernment as we can. I want to be honest. I can be honest in my reporting. I already have been. But my interpretation has a bias [in favour of the experiences of the saints. Frank has a bias too, in favour of secular psychology]. [I would swear on anything sacred, if we were allowed to do so, that I am not "faking" or pretending that I have these experiences. It would ruin my integrity - I couldn't do it and live with myself. But I think now that it is time to take it to the world because it is true, beautiful and Grace filled. Also, the world needs to be stood on its ear to know that God still lives and moves around and through His people]. So it is not a way of having made it, from the ego of a loser or from someone who is a failure in the world's eyes and wants to appear successful or important. A friend of mine recently said that a schizophrenic's world is charged with meaning. Meanings that other people don't have. Do you think that is what my phenomena are Frank? I feel as though I am mutilating myself. I sense futility in my life a lot of the time. Failure is the rule rather than success from my point of view. This decaying physical world brings that feeling on, I think. Also, my illness crippled my attempts at a normal life in some ways. This is true of my prayer life too. Where is it all leading??? Or is the goal the journey, and not the end of the journey? I enjoy praying very much, but what if it is all sickness and illusion? I can't take that thought. [Still, there is almost total integrity in my reporting]. The practice of prayer in my life is dull and my head feels dead - the practice is poor. But the faith remains strong - so does the hope and the love. Indeed, the love 77 of my brothers and sisters seems stronger, because I am not so other-worldly concerned with self and God. I suffered under the devil - "should we not also accept evil things from God" (Job 2:10). I emerged to peace and I saw the Light of the city of Heaven, the great city. I sensed its presence. I was filled with overwhelming joy. I was shown there a laurel crown, but I was not given it. I read in The Ladder Of Perfection that the devil can duplicate the Lord. Is it possible I am at the mercy of Mr. D. because I accept almost any phenomenon, that doesn't appear harmful, as being from the Lord? Could I be totally misled? I have had a few times, a thought that perhaps the whole thing was from Mr. D. My feeling is that I sacrifice a lot of companionship, time, and peace of mind by literally driving myself towards my obsessive goal of doing the right thing to get results - to please the Lord. I have no other recurring thought that comes as often as 1/10 the time, when I set out to please the Lord. Is it good, responsible, natural? [No matter, I must go on]. I get (see) abundant Graces at Mass and in front of the Blessed Sacrament, but not many in prayer at home, it seems. I am reading Walter Hilton's, "The Ladder Of Perfection." It frightens me. I can't take it seriously, although I want to. I am so inadequate, so weak, so egotistical, lazy, and weak-willed. I don't think I could carry it out. I want to, though. I don't know if I could stay close that long. What about my job, [my 16 hour / month part - time job], my family, my friends. I want to, though. I said that three times. I have been given the revelation that God these days is shaking me, the way a dog shakes a rat - I wonder if this is true??? 78 I have renounced my parents and my brother, all my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, my relations, my enemies, my [former] girlfriends, my joys; all without knowing why I was doing it, doing it unconsciously. Now two weeks later, I have crucified the world to myself and myself to the world again not knowing what I was doing. I offered my soul to the world the way Jesus offered His body and blood, to add my own part to Jesus action, so that all men might be saved. A form of spiritual crucifixion, dying for others - OK ???? [Obviously, a completely different act from that of Jesus but in union with Him, perhaps efficacious in some way.] Quotes from The Orthodox Church by Sergius Bulgakoff.. ["But side by side with the angels of light, there are fallen angels or demons, evil spirits who strive to influence us, acting upon our sinful inclinations. (Note this part). Evil spirits become visible to those who have attained a certain degree of spiritual experience. The gospels and the whole of the New Testament give us unshakable testimony on this point. Orthodoxy understands this testimony in a manner wholly realistic; it does not accept an allegorical exegesis and even less refuses to explain these texts by the simple influence of religious syncretism. The spiritual world and the existence of good and evil spirits are evident to all those who live the spiritual life. "...But the dark spirits, fallen angels, enter into the realm of light. Their influence corrupts the life of men." Against these spirits, Heaven and men and the spiritual world wage a battle 'in the spirit`. These evil powers in men add to their weaknesses and some times engage in direct and open warfare (the life of the great ascetics and anchorites testifies to this). The Church is not far from the demonology professed by the gospel and the whole of the New Testament. "... It cannot be affirmed that all mental maladies; are of a spiritual nature or origin. But neither can it be affirmed that demonic influences have no connection with mental maladies. At least some hallucinations may be a vision of 79 the spiritual world, not in its luminous but in its darker aspect." [What do you say now, Frank -- jab, jab???] In truth, I have had numerous occasions when I have been assaulted by such visions - eyes closed with images of people or wild beasts in violent or perverse poses. These are always when I am outside a feeling of well being, serenity or Grace. There is absolutely no doubt that they are demonic. On the other hand, God's Light is more compelling, loving, meaningful, subtle, active, intelligent, creative, constructive, supportive, and moving towards union. The relationship of schizophrenia to mystical states has been examined in recent years. I quote from Mysticism and Schizophrenia in the Journal Of Transpersonal Psychology, Volume l, #2, l969, by Kenneth Wapnick:"[These] differences in the preparation reflect the essential difference between the mystic and the schizophrenic. The mystic's goal, as manifested in his lifelong dedication to the Absolute, is to gradually expand his consciousness by moving more deeply into the "inner world" of his personal feelings until its innermost depth is reached, what he usually refers to as the Self or God wherein he feels at one with the universe. Though the mystic and the schizophrenic ostensibly share the same flight from the social world, the mystic's abandonment is merely of his own dependent attachment to it. Thus the mystic's life is, in essence, a process of freeing himself from those habits and customs that have been adopted as security measures to protect against the anxiety that inevitably accompanies any growth or movement towards independence. Once the state of total freedom has been achieved, the mystic is able to once again involve himself in social activities ... The schizophrenic, on the other hand, has, as the purpose of his psychosis, the escape from the social world within which he is totally unable to function. The "inner world" becomes his refuge from the impossibility of existing in the "outer world". Unlike the mystic whose inner experiences are consciously chosen over a period of time, and developed within the cultural context, the schizophrenic's experience 80 of his deepest feelings is sudden and occurs in the denial of his social functioning. The flight into psychosis, if successful, restores his capacity to function as a productive member of society, but it does not necessarily prepare him for the lifelong movement between inner experience and social functioning, nor for the elimination of those learned habits that preclude the development of his inner potential. There is nothing in the reports of recovered schizophrenics to suggest that once having freed themselves from the pathological problems of their pre - morbid living, they continue to explore those inner experiences that previously overwhelmed them." IN SUMMARY The mystic's life may be seen as a recognition of the inner personal experience, which though independent of, and even antagonistic to the social reality, cannot be fully developed unless the individual also affirms his / her role in society. Beautiful and powerful feelings are not sufficient to improve one's functioning in the social world. What is needed is the integration of these inner experiences with the various social roles one adopts. The mystic provides the example of the method whereby the inner and outer may be joined; the schizophrenic, the tragic result when they are separated. [The flight from reality that the mentally-ill person undergoes, I experienced in l970-75. Since then, I have been a self-made mystic (with the help of God) naturally from l975 to the present, and a practicing mystic from l983 to l990, when I used the Jesus prayer to reach the Most Holy Trinity. Even as a child, I often had profound mystical spells, times of reverie or experiences. Currently - I tackle what is at hand: namely, a part-time job, some courses in theology at the university, and work on several disability-related committees for the government and a social housing company for the disabled of whom I am chief sinner (see St Paul). My current diagnosis is schizo-affective [in 1990] which means I may have the characteristics of schizophrenia and manic depression at the same time. Both are severe diseases, but my last psychiatrist felt I wasn't schizophrenic, just manic 81 depressive. I need the phenothiazines, sometimes known as the neuroleptics or anti-psychotics, as well as the lithium, so maybe I am schizophrenic and manicdepressive. We will see. I lead a somewhat normal life in contact with an equal number of well and ill people in a variety of positions in society. Needless to say, I will never tackle a big social justice project, for instance. I am happier being with God and this is much easier for me. I still feel uncomfortable with people who look down on those less fortunate than themselves - the latter being chiefly in this case, ME!!!. I feel clumsy in society sometimes, usually when people find out I am or have been ill. [I feel quite self-conscious. You would too with a history like mine.] [I use the mysticism (the Presence of God) to overcome the illness, but it takes a lot of rest and solitude - its the only thing I can do well.] So I am ill. But can anyone say I am not a mystic. See the quote by Fr. Peter Fransen S.J. later in this book which is under the heading "Sick Saints" which can be found in the Table of Contents. 82 POEMS Conceived, deceived, relieved of life hairless, tiny form swarming, growing, filling daring to think adult's ostentatious heads of nothing conditioned to deception filled with lies past received illusion and future prevarication children's self and entity crying in the wind contradicting, fighting, bleeding, burning, tearing and still needing child in never ending storm dying seconds whence it's born temporal being here then gone dared conceive where he'd belong that all could be comprehended that some power all things headed none have save wrong kind insecurity, my coward's way out lines of life in forces wrought people in the forces caught forced in ways acceptable ugly groups of naked flesh trapped and fitted in the mesh soul of nought and reaching higher to destroy all life forever what right what licence 83 wherefore made greater some in madness locked away others god - like make their way animals but nothing better mutant by a freak of nature better suited to destruction tens of millions in one action hopeless crying weeping wailing none to hear and none to care tearing, stabbing, still assailing on his back a cross to bear. Why the worry why the writing until the daylight does the blocking happiness deceives them all where they go? . . . . . . can they see or are they blind strength in nothing is their kind of show independent proved by bearing scars of battle on their skin in their bones and making parts grafted to th'eternal strain. comes from ages goes in minutes dares to think that life it holds feels the struggle then enjoys it sees destruction then enjoys it feeling worry then enjoys it talking thinking still enjoys it finally runs itself upon it sword of death a world to pierce dust to dust, matter to matter energy converts the latter 84 no one cares and no one watches lonely man himself debauches cast aside the caring statues cast aside the loving phantoms real in fantasy rejected by the rationale inspected sees some order in chaos tries to find it everywhere cannot comprehend the whole thing cynic writes the truth too bare wrong is right no one beside him right is wrong himself belies him as he waits for sound to bring order where there is confusion fusion or this other thing. - Rob Defries Ottawa, l964 THE ROSEBEETLE MAN A wise man flowing naked through the world Spun magic words to paint ... * * * Through the I of everyone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An anarchy prevails But, through the eye that's touched by God The temple world unveils * * * And my evenings fly like pages in the wind Golden glorious sun cycle, strobe driven mad by time Touch a tree's rough bark and feel the Way Losing myself in endless mad sweet rhyme 85 The sun my mirrored winged mover light The moon my dark invisible soft tide The world my brother torn from me at birth And you young moon god move my Son inside So soft the silence followed that I could not move to speak He turned and left upon the tree In the stream of sunlight an object small But clear to see A beetle, rosebug, all in splendour, filled with sense to be Slowly crawling up a branch to reach and touch the sun Holds an instant's picture where my memory still runs Explodes my mind in wings of golden and silver red silk spun A movement infinite of flight To The world beyond all worlds Emerald days gone now for the rose-beetle man. - Rob Defries Ottawa, l968 86 Poems Sunday, September Feb. 3, l985 1. We are children of light and darkness each trying to overcome the other like light and shadows fighting the battle across the ceiling late at night. Could Jesus' friends and the satanic foe Russia and the U.S.A. not see that their dance need not be to the death? Or do I quail before a sham enemy --- death. 2. HYMN PRAYER Jesus, Light and Saviour dear Shining with Light so pure so clear Banish shadows from my soul Radiance heal and make me whole Rays ineffable yet strong Constant flowing straight along Warm my wayward heart and call me to you my all in all. Holy Spirit Paraclete Knit my soul, make me complete Speak so soft and gentle, kind 87 God's true love to my dumb mind. 3 HYMN PRAYER II . The Lord searches the heart for peace and gives the sinful soul release washes clean by portion, cup and in his fullness gives enough. Enough packed down and overflowing to hearts that contrite cry all glowing Jesus calls I hasten to reply His gentle touch soothes my mute cry A Presence soft and gentle, strong frees me from fear, anxiety and wrong. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THE DESCENT The spectre face of bones and gaunt dead skin Has left the window returning God knows when The chancel vacant, life vacates the flock And his lay minister death begins to knock The final nails of lead death - belching lead A foul broken symbol bodies breath Breaks on the wind sounding the body's knell The soul forgotten quivers, twixt Heaven and hell And finally plummets deep into the flames Nameless there all burning without names Until the shattering trumpets peal 88 The Lamb of God breaks the Seventh Seal. BY ROBERT DEFRIES - Feb., l968 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (On an occasion of deep sin while I was thinking I was going to go to hell ). 89 Answers from Roger. God has a playful delight in His creation. Our fall can have an element of humour - to argue is not . . . comic enough. - pray for the Grace for the ability to have those truths when you act in charity. - avoid a unilateral sense of sin. "I am sinful and there is nothing else to say about me." - I am not special because I have visions. I HOPE YOU WILL BE PATIENT WITH THE NEXT FEW PAGES. THE PRESSURES AND STRESS OF DEALING CONSTANTLY WITH UNFRIENDLY "SUPERIORS OR GIVERS OF EXAMPLE," A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT AND THE EVER-PRESENT, ENCROACHING, THREAT OF THE DEVIL CAUSED ME TO DECOMPENSATE MENTALLY, AND BECOME A BIT CONFUSED, DISORIENTED, AND ANXIOUS. THERE ARE HOWEVER, SOME GOOD SECTIONS IN THIS PART OF THE BOOK, SOME GOOD ASSESSMENT AND ANALYSIS. IT IS A FAIR VIEW OF A CONTEMPLATIVE GRAPPLING WITH HIS NEW EXPERIENCES, THEIR FORM AND SIGNIFICANCE, THEIR IMPLICATIONS, AND "THE MORALITY INVOLVED IN THIS CONTEMPLATIVE LIFE." MY APOLOGIES ARE EXTENDED FOR THE DIS-JOINTED NATURE OF THESE PAGES. PLEASE REMEMBER, I AM IN "FORMATION" AT THIS TIME, NOT REPRESENTING "THE FINISHED PRODUCT." LATER ON IN THE BOOK I AM VERY INTEGRATED AS I COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING WITH GOD, JESUS AND THE HOLY SPIRIT. AS SOON AS PROFESSOR AND FATHER BILANIUK TOOK OVER AS MY SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR, A VEIL OF PEACE GRADUALLY DESCENDED UPON ME, AND I FELT AS THOUGH AFTER ALL THIS STRUGGLE I HAD FINALLY FOUND MY SPIRITUAL HOME. HE IS SUCH A GOOD LISTENER AND HE KNOWS MORE ABOUT THE TRINITY AND HER INDIVIDUAL PERSONS THAN ANYONE I HAVE 90 EVER MET. NO DOUBT HE HAS A VERY HIGH PLACE IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. HE DESERVES IT. HE UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING I SAID TO HIM AND WAS ONLY INTERESTED IN ASCERTAINING THE VERACITY OF MY STATEMENTS BY ASKING QUESTIONS TO DISCERN THE TRUTH , NOT TRYING TO DISCREDIT ME OR CONDEMN ME. BUT HE WAS QUITE RIGOUROUS AT TIMES AND OFTEN BECAME VERY PROBING IN HIS INVESTIGATIONS. I am a saint. I am not a stupid person [not too much anyway]. When I act like a stupid person, I get God to hurt me. He doesn't hurt me, so I hurt myself. [which is pretty stupid isn't it]. The Lord tests the hearts of men. My heart is being tested when I think I am being probed by the wicked one. Is it really the Lord testing the hearts of the just and the wicked? To be sure, I am laid waste. But my weakness, my corruption, my depravity, my insecurity and unsoundness of the foundation of my soul, (like sand), like pillars awry and askew, indicate that I am still being formed in the womb of my maker. Certainly, I am in flux. It must be that the devil is controlled by the Lord. I have often thought this. He is unconscious of the role he is playing, because he is only a creature. [Is he God's dupe?] I forgave the whole of creation eternally for my death when it occurs. I also forgave Mary and the Most Holy Trinity for their role or relationship to my death, (the mystery of sin, suffering and death), in so far as they are involved. These forgivenesses caused me to lose some of my fear of dying [which had been very strong around this time]. [I am basically a happy person. I am usually optimistic, and I expect the best, most of the time. However, there is part of my personality that exhibits a darker side. I suffer from resentment and bitterness, from time to time. I have high expectations of myself, and so I have high expectations of others. I expect myself to do things perfectly. As a result, I am very CRITICAL of others, because 91 I am very critical of myself. I judge myself and others by the same measure. As a result, I often have a vague sense that there is something wrong with me, because I find myself "against" so many people or in conflict with them. I find that I have an intolerance of the sins and failures of others. This inevitably leads to humility, because I am constantly being dashed to the ground, because of my false expectations. Now, this looks like an impossible situation. The following is the answer I am going to use to solve this situation. I will try to look on the good side of people and myself, and try to see our positive side. If I can see peoples beauty, their basic brotherhood and sisterhood to me, and if I can see that we all are weak, then maybe I can give us all a break. The harsh tyrant of the superego, that condemns and nurses grievances because he or she has been hurt, must be kicked off his false throne, where he sits judging. A new era of LOVE and BROTHERHOOD must begin. I think that the softer emotions of gentleness, tenderness, and love, are the ideal path to starting a kinder, more accepting, regime. I will try it. I will try to accept myself and others, because they may be God's children, and who am I to judge?] [Also, if I pay more attention to my own faults and failings then I won't be so quick to condemn others. Often, the faults I criticize most in others are my own failings.] If God can be Light and dark then dark things are not necessarily evil. If God chastens, then pressure or revealing our weaknesses by removing support, are not due to attacks from the evil one. Man is prone to evil and only the Grace of God keeps him free from it. ... Angels, but I don't know if they are bad or good. (very small - streams of them like Light) [I have seen these streams of small particles many times since then. They are definitely benign - this could be angels or particles or packets of Grace]. They are composed of Light, definitely filled with Energy and are outside myself. I see TOTALLY UNSUBSTANTIAL AND REALISTICALLY - SPEAKING, 92 HARMLESS snakes and dragons from my imagination, [like shadows forming and moving in the light of the lamp or like hypnagogic hallucinations inside the mind's eye. The question is not whether they are real, but what is the source of the evil contained in them. My contention is that it is the evil one influencing the senses or the imaginative processes and mechanisms.] They are definitely in my mind and inside my head. My mind is often a model of decorum, so these infernal images I definitely ascribe to the influence of the devil and his demon minions on the imagination. I reject psychiatry's claim that it is psychosis, because there is well-documented evidence that the "visions" are overwhelmingly malicious and evil. I exhibit none of the effects of the visions' characteristics at any time, even when they are taking place. Indeed, I am in absolute opposition to them! In addition, they do not ameliorate or escape even when the strongest doses of the most powerful anti-psychotic drugs are administered. As I was typing the second last sentence to this one, I experienced a powerful pain in my abdomen. The devil does not like his tricks being revealed. For countless millions of believers the world round, for whom the devil is a very real and daily threat, there will be no doubt that what I am writing is true. As for the psychiatrists, I WONDER WHERE THEY ARE GOING. These negative images hurt my head as I write them down because they bring evil to bear on me. [Perhaps God draws some people more to Himself and others more to mortal persons made in His image.] My joy and great achievement and blessing is to live with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in the Light of Grace. The alternative is the powers of hell. There is often a figure (pillar) of light in the doorway of my dark bathroom . It identifies itself as satan [but, do I project the word on it?], but I thought it might be Jesus or a pillar of fire. It materializes and disappears. It can dominate the whole apartment in a minor way. There are disturbances in the air that appear to be from the evil spirit. [My whole world was bathed in Light and so I distrusted everything that was happening to me for a very long time. I think I was often calling good, "evil" for a long time. Also this evil spirit, with me to this day, can "appear to claim" many phenomena of God as his own by adding his influence to 93 them. God's radiations of the Holy Spirit often appear to be neutral; satan's appear possessive, coercive and malevolent, when he is present.] There is so much spiritual warfare [in me?]. I am denied a full view of the situation because I could not handle it. But I have truth in my heart. I don't think I know the danger I am in. I have faith. I was tempted to despair by repeated minor crucifixions, and it was suggested that I kill myself. But, God has many times told me that I never will. I almost believe Him. But I had to call the hospital and take some medication to sleep. By the way - I have a great self-confidence about myself with God and a great inferiority complex in relation with other people - what do they think? - what will they say? My thoughts are not paranoid. It is because I am so lonely and poor. Do I look, smell, sound, and act right? This is due in part to a great time of selfneglect while in the hospital or other poor places, with no regard as to how I presented myself. If you knew how much I have suffered at the hands of Mr. D: the uncaring, unknown, patronizing, never-giving-of- themselves hospital staff; [actually the hospital staff did their best in a mundane way]; the sometimes violent, depraved, mad, insane, lunatic fringe that makes up the patient population [my friends!!!]; the boarding home operators who most often only want their money - won't give one any good food; psychiatrists with insane, immoral, medical models; and the people who take you in, in the name of Christianity, and then remove your freedom to speak, act and even think, such as one individual I know did to me for a number of years. The suffering is nothing less than oppression and it is grinding at that. [In fact, all these things are past now to a certain extent and I am still well, but they don't leave pleasant memories.] I have spiritual pride. I am on my guard against sinful people who could drag me down. Unfortunately, I haven't yet learned perfectly how to reject the sin and accept the sinner. I must work on this. Answers from Roger 94 - You abandon the Lord - keep constant. - 2 men to the temple to pray - Publican and Pharisee. - Our apostolate is deeper than a job. - Often the people we help, we never know. - We often use the people we are helping. - Pray to the Father, Luke l3, O.T. - Face fears - accept who you are - can't build on false foundations. - Prayer can be the biggest trap of all - let God affect your prayer. - Pray to the Father because he can't be manipulated - He is so other. QUESTIONS OF MYSELF AND ANSWERS BY ROGER Q. - What most people experience is poverty and emptiness. A. - Pain does not mean growth. Q. - How much suffering should we cause ourselves? A. - Don't put a positive value on suffering. Suffering is valuable if it leads me to have compassion, why would anyone hang on to these sufferings? Q.- What about self-love? A.- Self-love - a moderate asceticism is good. Q.- Am I evil? A.- I am not evil. Q.- I don't value myself? A.- Most people have a poor self-image. Self-image has a lot to do with the body. Lose 50 lbs. Languishingly love - third of 4 steps of love by John Tauler - I languish in the Lord's absence, but did I drive or ask Him to stay away - am I at fault? 95 John Main says that saying the (Jesus Prayer) is work - the work of God - an all-out onslaught on egoism, on isolation, on sadness. [It should be noted here that I am a very social being, but I don't write much about my friends, acquaintances or enemies because this is a spiritual journal not a tale or two about curious stories of my friends, etc., or personalities, problems, faults, misdemeanors, ambitions, status, wealth, talents, etc. So while it appears to be one-sided egotism, I am working out my salvation and my place in Heaven "with fear and trembling," and I have many friends. I spend time in isolation from others by choice, but I am constantly in the Presence of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Mary, angels, saints and the whole company of Heaven as well as Mr. D. About sadness: it is impossible to pray the Jesus' prayer regularly and be unhappy with God for long, except where one is wrong in his \ her relationship with God or His will, indirectly or directly. Now, Mr. D. can make one very unhappy.] I don't know the meaning of my own life. It used to be that I was a survivor. I had suffered and still lived (we have lost approximately 100 members out of 1000 members of the drop-in centre I attend, to self-inflicted death). Now it appears that I am suffering again. Is it good? Does it have a value? Is it worth it? Is all growth at the cost of suffering? It is so hard to find a way of avoiding it. I have limitations. I am ill, poor and misunderstood - but not too ill, poor or misunderstood. Am I joyful? I think not!!! Why? I think it is because I am not in unity (with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit) right now. [I have been taught, indeed inculcated, with the idea that I am a well person with a disability by my psychometrist. This helps a great deal to provide hope and to cut down on self-exaggeration of my illness and on feeling sorry for myself. He has helped me a lot. He is a good friend - SORT OF!!! - HE UNDERMINES MY WORLDVIEW!!!] CAPTIVITY 96 I am in captivity to the following five forces: 1 - Inordinate love of creatures, Mum, Father X, Frank, Roger. 2 - Love of self-pleasure, food and comfort - self-will - talk - are we supposed to love ourselves? John Main says: "yes" - John Tauler says: "definitely no" - self-love - do I love myself too much or not enough? - I do so little for others - Tauler says only God can help these soft natures and rationalizing minds, work and sort out what they think they are. 3 - Being a spiritual show off. [I took a vow which I am breaking by writing this book to never be known by the world. I prayed to God that He would make me hidden and that my reward would be all in Heaven.][I am a weak vessel--forgive me, Lord.] 4 - Attachment to consolations, seeking them too much - the sweetness. 5 - Self-will. Although I really don't understand the things I see and my way of hearing and seeing things very well, I know that I have a great deal of pride in the fact that I have given myself to God - that I devote myself to Him more than others do. (when, in fact, it is all God's doing) or so it seems. This pride is me-ward, Godward (futility), and the shame of it, others-ward. 1 - I am filled with self-love - self-will - I have far too high an opinion of myself - pride - but I can't seem to adopt the right attitude - humility. I am pharisaical. I mistrust myself from top to bottom - stem to stern. Things are too comfortable - too easy - I am growing slack in my prayer life. Do you think I am 97 silly, puffed up, deluded, naive? 2 - I tend to claim to possess gifts I may not have, like salvation, spiritual marriage [ I remember clearly, today, January 1, l99l, the time I was married to Jesus]. I don't know if I have these things or not. [I had temporarily forgotten them]. I can't remember. I think I am puffed up - I am not a little one of God. God help me. 3 - But the real reason that I can't be somebody spiritual is because I am mediocre as a person, compared to the great saints. Wednesday, February 10th All the forces of hell were arraigned against me tonight or at least lots of them. I had very unpleasant visions and physical sensations. [During all my notes for spiritual direction, I included only a very small percentage of my (in my opinion) valid, God experiences. This was due to the fact that I was poorly treated by one individual and was lacking a great deal of confidence because: 1) the visions were sometimes in an evil mode. 2) I was mentally ill 3) I was unlearned So rather that be condemned outright, I hid most of my experiences of God from the directors - don't cast your pearls before swine. [Forgive me -- I didn't expect to be received well! (May I be forgiven especially by the spiritual directors for my lack of faith.) In short, I thought they wouldn't understand, rightly or wrongly.] [NOTE 1991] I feel comfortable with my present director, Father Petro Bilaniuk. Also, because I was often in St Michael's Cathedral when God was obvious, I didn't have a pen or paper and didn't write down the accounts of God's activities. Also and this is most important, the "visions" were ineffable and couldn't be accurately described, because there are no words to describe the 98 Presence and Activity of God and also because one doesn't interrupt God in process, to take notes.] 4) - nothingness appears to be where I am at. I don't experience much activity when I pray. I am so half-baked. I thought I was a spiritual somebody, but now I see that you have to belong to a religious order to be a somebody - resources, personnel, training, reputation, etc. I can never be anything but spiritually mediocre. 5) - I seem to be experiencing some very unpleasant feelings of lassitude, depression, etc. I think they are connected with my basic neurosis, (psychosis?). Can we discuss this? It's that I am a very dependant person. This means I have to have regular contact with significant other persons in my life. 6) - I identify myself with other peoples reactions to me. The principal people who filled this role were my Hamilton friend [in his time], my mother, my psychologist and my brother. I have also attempted to have this kind of relationship with you and two holy women that I know. I really am quite infantile. I have a good mind, a quick wit and a sense of humour that hides depression. 7) - That is due to the loss of my friend, the loss of his affirmation of me, his emotional social, economic, religious support of me. I have since been reconciled to him. He rejected me. I am quite hurt by the whole process. My therapist says I must cut myself off from him and finish the whole relationship. It will not be too hard, because I seldom go to Hamilton and so our paths seldom cross. I have reduced the negative space given in this book about relationships to only the most relevant material, that seems to be factually true, leaving only about 16% of the original material. I hope to re-establish connections with this person some day in spite of the distance involved in travelling. Nov. 1992} The anger I have is eating away at me. Anger turned inward causes depression [what is more likely is that I had the February blahs]. I have even been fairly more concerned about suicide than I was a few months ago. Although all my defenses are against it. In addition, there has been a marked increase in my dependence on my mother. Not healthy [why, I don't know?]. I don't like to be alone for fear I will get a desperate feeling. I am not afraid of killing myself. I won't. I am not falling 99 apart. I am more bewildered at not knowing what is happening to myself. It sticks in my craw like a ball full of burrs. The source of my decline was a relationship with a girl who eventually rejected me. I still don't know why. We were so close. But I was so stupid and immature. Maybe that's why. Maybe it was my behaviour. She said she never said she loved me. I was a fool. That's a relief. [I had forgotten God. It's not permanent.] It is possible that Jesus wanted my relationship with her to break up so He could have me all to Himself. After all the Lord is a jealous God, n'est-ce pas? My mother is going to die soon and that causes my heart to break. I hope I don't kill myself. God told me very many times during insistent questioning that I would never kill myself and also that I would go to hell, if I did kill myself. I don't want that. I believe it. I think the problem is in the heart. The mind is full - lots of knowledge, understanding, facts and some good feelings. But the heart is starved. Is that it? Do I want to be loved? - I know my mind, I think I do - or do I? But the heart is a lonely hunter. I thought the answer was God. I think it isn't. The idea of a spiritual band-aid on an emotional wound is that it doesn't work. I must look for my healing somewhere else. Do you know any solutions, Roger? I love my therapist at the hospital very much. We work through a lot of things. I'm not just saying this. I feel like a kid around him sometimes and that's good. Not bad for an old guy, eh? - (sometimes I feel old). Roger what can you do for me in this miasma? Can you make me feel, think, sense or understand differently. Can you undo the past? Do you see things about me that are different from what I see ? They will just be facts. That's why I figure it will take God to get me out of this one - I might add - alive.. - I trust Him to keep me well all the time. 100 Is He the answer? How? How much? What should I do? Sorry about these impossible questions. You are good to me, Roger. [I went through a long period of time struggling with the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit and to some extent the Father in a process that saw me grow into, or acquire, the title "son" of God the Father. It was revealed to me ineffably (the Spirit spoke visually) many, many times over a long period of time. Make no bones about it, the process was arduous and tenuous, but ambition, drive and perseverance paid off and Jesus called me "son", even as a form of greeting (in the Spirit). At least, I think it was Jesus--it is very difficult to see if it is God the Father, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, God the Father in the Holy Spirit, or Jesus in the Holy Spirit. I don't really know how to understand these things. [ I just know it is God that says these things - in One of His Three Persons] ["The brethren asked Abba Agathon: 'amongst all our different activities, Father, which is the virtue that requires the greatest effort?' He announced: 'forgive me, but I think there is no labour greater than praying to God. For every time a man wants to pray, his enemies, the demons try to prevent him: for they know that nothing obstructs them so much as prayer to God. In everything else a man undertakes, if he perseveres, he will attain rest. But in order to pray a man must struggle to his last breath'". ( The Sayings of the Desert Fathers ) - no exact reference given). This passage shows the validity of the existence and destructive influence of demons on oneself, in and out of their prayer life.] VERY EARLY I want to be happy. My life has been one of no security - few physical comforts - no extra cash - often a shortage of cash - no friends like my self - I'm too educated and too religious - a mental patient - not easy combinations to duplicate - a cold, hard world - lousy food, but in truth I have had enough food, friends, cash, and things to barely get by. But I want to be 101 happy. It is comfort that is so attractive right now (apartment, food, things, material possessions). [I have a nice apartment now since July '83, with a new bed, couch and stereo; I have these thanks to government assistance, bequests, and the wise use of money]. I am acquisitive. But I want to do the Lord's will and I would abandon my comfort to do the Lord's will - [I might be forced to -no choice] - but then I wouldn't be happy and I want to be happy. Does everything have to be heartache and pain? I don't take Matthew 25 [Jesus says you help Him when you feed, clothe, house, give drink to the poor, etc.] very seriously. This is proclaimed as a necessary way to salvation . I feel called to prayer, but what is the purpose of prayer? I can't petition any more for myself - I have exhausted my requests -- there is no point in belabouring the Lord. I pray selfishly. I always ask for a higher place in Heaven. Today, I got great peace. I requested the happiest place in Heaven instead of the highest place in Heaven. I am praying for others. 50% of my prayers are for others - petitions. My centering prayer or "mantra" has a lot of phenomena [at this time, I thought that phenomena were to be mistrusted (a western concept) and that anything out of the reality of the common man must be ignored or rejected]. I have rejected most of this phenomena as the product of my restless ego. I can see that a lot of it is a smokescreen to keep my ego from surrendering control (to God?????). But John Main talks about entering into the hidden life of the Lord. (God???????) or the Son or the Holy Spirit. I don't know what this means - how do we experience it? Do we see, hear or feel it? [already, I was having a lot of sensory experiences of God]. I have rejected my visions and locutions. I still see Lights. What is illumination? Is it a Light or is it a mental thing? 102 I would like to transcend my limitations and be a "big" person [I am now, I weigh 250 lbs.] but I am almost a very, very, little person. The "little way of St. Therese", the little flower certainly appeals to me. I don't know if I can take on too much responsibility, because I am a little one. I am fairly whole, but very fragile. I can't take a lot of stress. People often tell me that I would be good in the counselling field. I feel some confidence in my ability to think, be creative - less confidence in my judgement in some situations - eg. blind spots. A priest said that he thought I could mature to be a spiritual director. A person said that I should be a counsellor based on my assessment of a person very close to him. I am afraid to take on responsibility, because I fear failure - and I will always seem to create failure. I usually give up before I get started. If I do get started, I give up at the first sign of difficulty. I am a drop out from life and I am trying to be a successful, sick person. I am definitely not a failure in my prayer life, as you will see - Read on! I am not too sick, but my mind gets so tired easily. My therapist says I am a well person with a disability. But even I can see that leaves some latitude for meaningful work. However, I can't take stress. But it is more comfortable just to sit back. I really would like to be a spiritual director though. How do you do such things? [I was extensively tested psychologically by a Phd. in psychology and the Vocational Rehabilitation Services of the provincial government and declared unemployable for their purposes, although I had an IQ of 148 approximately (where 140 is genius), was attending graduate school at university and working part-time at the same time. This is how I remember it.] I don't think that to be a theologian is to be very at home in the world. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist, when I am with my friends who aren't from T.S.T. (Toronto School of Theology). I think you are at odds with the world if you are a theologian - in conflict. [by the way, God always says that I am a saint ONLY in my prayer life.] 103 It is not good enough to be myself. I must be the person God wants me to be. I must do these things that God wants me to do. I must do the right thing in every situation. I seek Glory - my own glorification. I seek it in this life (vainglory) in a covert manner. I have a very high opinion of myself due to my religious life. I think I am a saint and a member of the company of Heaven. [this is more of a confession - R.D.]. I am told this as well as that I am a son of God and all this is passed on to me in my religious experiences. But I am constantly being dashed to the ground. What am I in the world's eyes?? - nothing but a broken down old mental patient [God's wisdom]: can't work, can't have a very high level of social life, can't get married, etc. Now, years ago I put God first in my life. I would pray - usually the Our Father - up to seven hours a day with only the odd 20 minutes break. I surrendered my self; lock, stock and barrel to the Lord, [I surrendered every part of my head, mind, heart, soul, body and spirit to the Lord individually for each organ, attitude, fear, hate, love, good points and neutral and bad to the Lord] and I said: "Lord, here I am, make what you want of me." [ He owned me completely, except for my sinful inclinations and parts I neglected to turn over to Him]. So, the Lord had mercy on me. Life got better. Later I would pray the Jesus' prayer up to 16 hours a day. I got a new hospital I got a drop-in centre . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a part-time job . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a school . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . some friends . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . an apartment. [The list goes on. God is good goodness, I prayed less. But I was faithful to God in general. Our relationship was never broken to my knowledge]. 104 What is God going to do next? What does He want me to do? So far, I have been receiving. I am a taker. It could well be that I will always be a taker - no fulltime job, etc. It seems likely [I get afraid] that I want it that way - it's too risky the other way. It's impossible. [Besides, I know my limits and abilities fairly well through experience and I am sure I don't have what it takes to work full-time. I can't do it now and never have been able to and I fully expect that I never will be able to work any more than I do now which is two evenings a week. This book was a major accomplishment for me, but remember most of it was typed for me and in fact I averaged about 1 \ 7 page per day over the 9 years that I wrote. Obviously, I wrote a lot more on a good day than on a bad day. [June, 1993]. I have stopped being spiritual. I think I am in a dark night (the start). I just stopped one!!! [For the longest period of time starting here, I experienced a dark night of the soul. Whether of the Spirit or senses, passive or active, I know not. All I know is that I felt in many ways the way God felt at the height of His abandonment; the difference is that God claimed to be righteous, while I trumpet forth my unrighteousness. I tear myself to shreds for my failures. My psychometrist says that I enter a phase where my superego (or conscience) makes more and more strict judgments of me, and drives me more and more into the pile of ashes I lie in. Frank Robinson (my psychologist) calls it masochistic: he feels that it is not humility which we both agree is the "right relationship of a creature to God, himself and others" and that no God would judge the way that super ego- God judges. Frank's God is gentle, forgiving and definitely non-judgmental, but his God doesn't have very high standards. I agree, but I think God has standards that one must honestly attempt to meet. Jesus will judge us some day and it is better to go in by the narrow gate. Desire for comfort is no excuse for breaking God's law. Not a popular thought in these days of pleasure seekers, with no obedience to, or knowledge of, God's law; doing whatever they think]. I think I must persevere in fulfilling my obligations to God and myself. I learned this by the intuitive apprehension of God that I had at St Michael's Cathedral on Sunday. Since then I have a lassitude - a deadness, almost no 105 consolations. I think I have sinned and that is why God has left me. I failed Him. I didn't fulfill my obligations. But I am not very worried. I can go on the strength of the memory of the consolations the Beloved has given me for sometime. I think I am very blessed. Perhaps the future is humble, but perhaps there is the unitive way. I still don't know where I have or haven't been in all the various stages of spiritual growth]. The union of senses and spiritual modes is my next goal - after the Dark Night - I hope it isn't 20 years long - how would I survive? To Roger My wilderness experience was the hospital with total desolation, a mental and social crucifixion, and only the barest threads of relationship with my mother, keeping back utter abandonment. Now, I am in the promised land with my apartment. I am afraid I may abandon my covenant with the Lord. Should I practice austerities with myself - less food, sleep on the floor. Also, my prayer life is not regular. I sleep more than I did. I am committed to the Lord with my mind, but not with my life. My discipline is poor. Already, I have been running around buying everything in sight. I am becoming middle class. P.S. I don't want to have the charisma of a jesuit. I see myself as a mystical prayer person. My experiences are many and varied, and there can be no doubt that the thread running through them is the Most Holy Trinity and the Company of Heaven. There is negativity now about 1 / 7 of the time. My therapist calls it egodystonic and psychosis [he calls all my experiences of the devil - ego-dystonic.] I have never been able to get him to admit that the devil could be a factor in these episodes. To me they are really, maliciously, obviously and demonstrably [to me] - caused by the devil. But Frank makes no allowance for the distinct and overwhelming presence of Mr. D. in this activity. [The reason I write about it so much is that it upsets me so much. It has a tendency to dominate at times]. Mr. D. is there to see at times and at other times his effect is obvious in other ways. My 106 therapist just falls silent, when I bring the presence of Mr. D. to his attention. I don't think he has an appropriate, correct model for this. At times, my stability is off and I sense the flimsiness of the structure of which my mind is created. But this is only when I am physically ill, or very tired or perhaps under great stress [ I can only handle limited amounts of stress. Then I back out of responsibility and say "I can't and I won't". I know my own limitations fairly well.] Roger - please don't play God with me. Allow me to be who I am and let me develop according to the Will of God. I know God's Presence well, but I am in the forest. I can't see the pattern of the forest for the trees. I have here a picture by William Blake of which I hope you will not be too critical. I have on a number of occasions been in the visual presence of the same basic scene (the Last Judgement) as there is in this picture by Blake. There is the same structure of (in my case) organic - like, dynamic, moving hierarchies of angels, saints etc. around the Godhead especially Jesus. There can be no doubt in my mind that Blake actually saw this scene because I have seen it too. I think Jesus has stood in my presence. No doubt, angels have visited me. I make no claim to virtue [indeed I deny it] only God can judge that - but I have consistently given myself completely, especially in my will, to God and especially Jesus. Jesus is my God - not my only form of God, but my bonded God. The Father and the Holy Spirit are the other Gods I have [together they are One God. There is only One God, but three Persons - obviously. Excuse me for treating a complex topic so poorly]. My will has become surrounded (fenced in) by the will of God and through total abandonment to it on my part, has become subservient to the will of God - ah, the bliss, the subservient bliss of it! I can do nothing except the will of God provided I don't exert any of my own will. That is where I am now. I don't know where I am going, but God loves me and He will lead me and guide me. I am a bit concerned that you should think I am conceited, or proud, or even arrogant or self-centred. I am becoming conceited. I am not [overly] proud and I don't have a lot of really bad arrogance. Regarding the need to be balanced in 107 one's life - eg - is there too much mysticism in my life? My answer. God is loving me in a special way. I have followed Him [since my deeper conversion from adolescent, sinful ways] for 14 years and I can't cut myself off now. Besides the pleasures and delights are too great now and I won't do it. I am God's servant and He is my Beloved, and I won't even think of denying Him. It would be a huge sin. The greatest one I could make. A mortal sin. He will have His way. I am His plaything. He can do what He likes to or with me. I trust Him totally [I broke my ankle badly in 3 places this spring in l990, had an operation, spent 1 1 / 2 months in hospital and my ankle will never be the same. Still I trust Him. "Yea though He kill me, yet I will love Him"]. If He crucifies me, I only hope He gives me the Graces to go through it to the end if necessary without running away, I will love Him. But He has crucified me many times in the past [I have been hospitalized for my mental illness, 35 times approximately to date, January l99l]. To be correct I should say that He ALLOWS me to be crucified or to crucify myself. But I don't see it that way. He is the God of DAY and NIGHT, HAPPINESS and PAIN, WAR and PEACE. He raises up, He also casts down. He has started to raise me up. I confess that I felt safer cast down. [I am afraid of heights]. He can crucify me and still, if my life is as true to the life of Jesus as I hope it is becoming, then I must drink from whatever cup the Lord gives me. He probably will make me suffer and die in loneliness, ignored by the world, and persecuted, especially if there is a persecution of the church. This last sentence is fantasy [but I did suffer the broken ankle and it will never heal properly - I will always have a limp]. There is always the question of, "what is my vocation" Roger's Answers: 1- Stop robbing yourself of the present moment. 2- The Lord is calling you to be well. 3- What higher praise can you give God than by getting on with your life. 108 4 - T h a n k G o d f o r b r in g in g y o u i n t o t h e p r o m i s e d land. "To become one with God is to become God" - Lindblom on the prophets - I am becoming one with Jesus and the Father, but while I can possess the Spirit I cannot become Him or Jesus. Question by Myself I think that I am cruel, cold, calculating, unfeeling, unsympathetic, malicious, a slanderer, destructive, etc. [This is one side of me - I have many good qualities too]. Answer: Created in the image of God, Jesus is one with us - our brother - we are adopted sons. [I prayed extensively to love God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit FOREVER]. I am roughly like Christ in some of my characteristics, so in a sense I am part of "Christ" - a member of the Body of Christ. Don't worry, Dom John Main feels this is expected. Now, I am feeling like God. Response: Roger said I was "not Christ or God." If I "can achieve or learn to be God, then I have achieved or learned everything". (quoting Dom John Main) God seems to be telling me that I am very little, very insignificant and I am too big for my boots. My idea from St. Therese of Lisieux is that I'm lucky, because He has made nothing of me in the eyes of the world. 109 I can see the Word of God by the power of the Spirit, moving, speaking, breathing like molten fire (white) across the wall or in the air. But I am not usually given oracles to write down - nor am I given prophesies for the future. Instead, I am given short one or two sentence answers to questions I put to the Holy Spirit, who so blesses me with such wisdom in His answers. I would like to be outspoken and Holy like Jeremiah, but I have not been given his gifts nor the strength to stand up to angry violent men. Instead, I have presumed to ask for great things in prayer and perhaps I have received a "yes." My prayer is for my own place in Heaven and for the salvation of countless millions of people. I don't accept that everyone is going to Heaven automatically, but I am very cautiously optimistic that many, maybe if we are exceptionally blessed, even most go there. One has to free them from themselves, their sin and the clutches of the evil one, though he is maybe a tool or dupe of God (functionally, although a creature) and even just the author of what we make our own evil inside ourselves. I really am thoroughly unchristian in many of my natural responses. The beast remains untamed. I have a veneer of civilization and a deep valley of piety, but my every day life remains uncharitable, anti-social, egotistical, unfair. What about Matthew 25? Is it really about the sole measurement of our good in our life on earth ? Food, drink, clothing, I always say..... People don't usually see this about me, but it is there. I always say I am truly Christian: holy, humble, righteous and loving. Yet I am not holy, humble, righteous and loving the least bit. Only when it seems like I find it natural or easy to be. I should be expanding my Christian base; instead I am praying, being my unchristian self and fighting the devil. [Partially wrong, prayer is my great strength]. 110 There is a part of my heart that will worship anything or anyone - a pantheistic love of creation that contributes to my celebration of life and my so called "great personality". This is built right into my heart and I don't know how to get rid of this [really it is the worship of God's Spirit as it fills every space and everything in every place in creation.] Joie de vivre! It is accepting and embracing the world in the sense of the world as God's creation, being created good, not in the negative sense of "the world, the flesh and the devil" as evil influences upon man. What is needed is detachment and asceticism with which I am definitely not very compatible, although quite willing to let the flame die. That is the object. The subject is the unruly flesh. I am more successful here. What is the trick - to die to these things - to mortify - to abstain from all sex pleasure, etc., even affectivity. Then, there is the devil. He masterminds the other two. He is the instigator who causes idolatry, passion and treason. I became Judas tonight because I coveted that money in my room and chose creation over creator. I even sold myself unwillingly to his service, mentally - speaking. I renounce him and his work now. He wants to kill me. He wants me to kill myself. I refuse. Absolutely! Completely! AND Forever! [ I coveted it for a short time, but I didn't steal it! ].[I was tempted!!!] I prayed to despise money. I was opposed by an angel of light - I saw it! I prayed to renounce everything created (in one sense), eternally and irrevocably, etc. I had to do these things. I was being taken over by evil. But then the prayers came. I feel as though I accomplished something. [ALL THE CONFLICT AND STRESS IN THIS SECTION OF THE BOOK COMES FROM A PROCESS OF PURIFICATION THAT INVOLVES THE TWIN FEATURES OF MY SINFULNESS AND THE PRESENCE OF THE DEVIL. AFTER GOD REVEALS THESE TWO ASPECTS OF MY LIFE TO ME, I ALMOST ALWAYS PRAY TO JESUS FOR PROTECTION, FORGIVENESS, 111 AND RELEASE FROM MY VICES AND THEN I PRAY PASSIONATELY FOR THE INFUSION OF THE VIRTUES.] I do so much praying, and so little real, two-way communicating with God. I sometimes don't mean what I say whole heartedly, or am driven to desperation trying to cope with my sin and failure. It all seems like sin and failure. [My whole commitment to Jesus, God and the Lord, the Holy Spirit was being hammered out in the crucible of purifying suffering.] I sometimes find myself saying to myself unconsciously that I am God or Jesus - a blasphemy. But in one sense, I am Jesus, (see Matthew 25) and I am putting on the mind of Christ, [the continual super - close Presence of the Spirit of Jesus in my mind, around my head, in my heart, in the air encompassing my vision and sensory awareness, was so pervasive that I began to confuse myself with Jesus. It is understandable]. I am coming into union with Him. But I am not the person, Jesus Christ, and this identity problem worries me. But with so much emphasis on the verbal expression ["Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me a sinner", said over and over again for up to 14 hours a day. God and Jesus - it is not surprising that I get confused - not good either. I am not strong mentally: I slip into error easily]. It would be a great mistake to become ego-inflated by such a false apprehension of self. It almost always comes when I am tired. It also comes when I figure I am becoming a clone of Jesus - putting on the human mind of Christ by the Presence of the Holy Spirit. It is easy to say I am Jesus Christ and assume the transformation has taken place. Will I ever be like Jesus Christ???? [I have always known that I am not Jesus Christ, but this creeps in because my prayer life immerses me in Jesus--idea and Spirit--because Jesus is so close and important to me.] I saw innumerable piles of [symbolic] wealth [Heavenly?] in my living room. - on the floor, on the coffee table. I went into spells of contemplation - total silence 112 - looking fixedly at my T.S.T. calendar on the table. Then my body turned to stone. I was told to write it up now. [ I inherited over $1000 and was awarded close to $13,000 a few years later for pain and suffering in a slip and fall accident: These monies financed the writing, computerization, and production of this book. Also I keep getting part - time jobs to supplement my income.] Possible new mantra - "make me like you Lord God (Lord Jesus)." Selfseeking vis-a-vis Heaven - trying to be spiritually and eternally, upwardly mobile??? [So much better than being financially, materially, socially and earthboundedly, upwardly mobile. I start to die whenever the Lord leaves me and I start to hope, to live and to thrive when I get Graces again. When I am active, it is hard to know whether I am living or dying - have Graces or not - but when I am contemplating, it really feels like dying - starting to die when the Graces aren't there. Make me like Yourself, Lord God / Lord Jesus. Make me live like You, Lord Jesus. I asked to pray like St. John of the Cross, and whatever it was, said that it doubted that it could get me to the high level of thought (prayer) required. I didn't press the point. I didn't like the answer. Most of the time I can't understand why God doesn't come to me. My pain is very great - anguish and dereliction and pain and suffering. I feel it now as I read The Spiritual Canticle. Most of the time it varies from dull ache to acute pain. I wonder if I will ever despair of it and die. I did with my ex-girl friend. [I nearly did for many years]. I find myself more and more thinking of the evil one, when God is not obviously present to me; [I am like an infant at its mother's breast - when she is not there the child is easy pray to the wild wolves]. It is as though I expect Him to come, so I anticipate Him. Then I welcome Him. I get so disappointed in God: 113 Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They come so seldom - there is so much work in trying to please Them. I get so tired. Praying l7 hours a day with so little to show for it. I am murmuring. I have a lot to be thankful for. But its so tiring. The Jesus Prayer, The Lord's Prayer , The Gloria, The Hail Holy Queen, The Hail Marys, The Te Deums. I want to be like the Lord now, hopefully not in a bad sense. A loving God would share His throne with you - see scripture. [It says that Jesus will share His throne with us.] My head hurts a lot of the time. The constant praying doesn't help. But I go on. God helps me, but not completely. There is still a lot of pain. My medications dull me and cause great fatigue. "Poor little me". "Woe is me". "Who will release me from the body of this death". [Jesus had promised to share His throne with me - early after I started praying the Jesus Prayer]. The Lord God entertains me a lot with His visions [Light and Energy - the Presence of the Holy Spirit] as does the evil one with his influences. But what does the Lord God do for me? I am so lonely, so humble in position - I have no silver and gold. I have a lively faith. I have no absolute assurance of reward for all my sufferings. What am I getting out of it? Yet Yahweh is Yahweh - Jesus lived and died a harder life than me. He went on believing - but why should I? - my salvation I guess. [not to mention my place in Heaven, loving my God, the most Holy Trinity, loving my fellow man and caring for creation.] I see God as being at the centre - in me. That is where I experience God most often. I tend to think that often other people don't follow or don't know God. But I know I can't really judge. Am I a poor egotist putting myself at the centre ? I have spent a long time now praying for blessings for myself. I say my mantra all day long, so Jesus is at the centre of my will, conscious mind and thought. 114 ***HERE BEGINS THE TEXT BASED ON MY NOTES FOR SPIRITUAL DIRECTION FOR FATHER ROBERT BARRINGER. THEY TOOK SHAPE IN THIS PERIOD FROM MAY TO SEPTEMBER, 1989.*** Father Bob Barringer was President of St. Joseph's College in Edmonton, Alberta. A Basilian priest, he was a Professor of Religious Studies at St. Michael's College, University of Toronto, when I saw him for spiritual direction in the summer of l989 from May until September. He has more recently in 1993 / 4 been elected superior of the Basilian Order in Canada and the United States, once again being centred in Toronto. [Notes for May / June are missing.] NOTES FOR SPIRITUAL DIRECTION - Friday, July 8, l988 Answers By Fr. Bob: - Prayer is not a means of control of God by us - that is a temptation. Scripture - Don't read fast - scripture - stand before the gospel - Read what you can - appreciate - Move at a steady pace - Watch, wait, pray. - Visions may be evidence of our need to believe or to see God's love. Then they would be from God. - If you are fearful from prayer then stop. - READ THE WORD OF GOD - pray over it. - Maybe read scripture instead of the mantra - bathed in the Word of God - lectio divina - Dom John Main - misses on or doesn't get to the 115 point - the person of Jesus - why use another language like the word, "mantra?" - for clarity - caution against too many people giving advice. The experiences of God are not God. -[they are manifestations of God, but they are manifestations of God, not God, Himself] There is a temptation to slide over from experiences in life with prayer life. - Habit (spiritually) is very important. Work is a struggle, a trial with the thorns and thistles because of sin. - The Jesus Prayer in it's origins - the essence is not a technique. It is a personal relationship with Jesus. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . QUESTIONS I am not as good as Brother T, Father X or you. O.K.? - pride, my self confidence - Is it really self love? I said no to God. How bad is that? T.V. has made great inroads into my life and time. Is this really bad? What am I going to do with myself? There is a large part of myself that says I want to have everything. Good or bad? Heavenly wealth or Earthly? I am even prepared to turn my mother over to anyone [who she wants to marry] even though she is the one person I love with all my heart in the whole world. I am seriously concerned with my inability to perform works of charity. [I 116 was in a minor dark night all summer--perhaps it was emotional lassitude--not a dark night, but it was very distressing.] I give time and a cup of coffee to people at the Drop Inn. I have entertained and I am today entertaining my father and mother. I write the odd letter to my aunt out of feelings of compassion. But lethargy, apathy, lassitude and disinterest are my constant companions. I think I can get to Heaven by doing a little and praying a lot. But the Lord says: "it is not those who say, "Lord, Lord".." I can't seem to motivate myself. I guess I don't really care. I don't think it matters. I live pretty well for myself [I have started to have quite a number of people over for supper or coffee at my apartment, have joined two tenant-staff committees at Cityhome, the Housing Company, one at the provincial level, as well as two hospital committees, have been for a while my building rep on a committee to influence the development of the waterfront where I live and have done a little bit of work with the St. Vincent de Paul Society. There is a position being created for me maybe at Cityhome, the non-profit housing group to act as a liaison between tenant psychiatric patients and management and to help when the post-psychiatric person got sick or needed help - written, spring 1992]. What about Matt. 25? Part of the problem is that I am blind. I don't feel the needs of others. I don't care. I am hampered by a low affective response and by the dulling effects of medication. But what good is prayer if you live in the world. I would rather be in the world of prayer. I got no satisfaction from the volunteer work I have done in the past. Besides I am not very good at it. Maybe that is why. f time that we .h.e.v.e. b.e.e.n. .di.s.c.u.s.si.n.g. f.o.r. t.h.e. p. a. s.t. f.e.w. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pages and will discuss for the next 2 or 3 pages, is just so because I was in a state of tension and stress; I was in conflict with the devil and my own sinfulness, in relation to myself, the devil and God, especially the Father and my environment including well-meaning friends, who inevitably wanted me to do the WORST POSSIBLE THING - namely to stop praying and be less religious.. I do have feelings of love, compassion, tenderness, affection even pity for 117 others. I also have admiration, inferiority on my part, appreciation, thankfulness, etc. But I just can't see why I should do anything for anyone. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY PATENTLY WRONG. I know it is self-centred, selfish and a sin, but I can't get out of my frame of mind. I am not equal to the demands the Lord makes of me. [Have any of you, the readers, ever felt the same way?] I wonder if it is acceptable to possess my soul in contentment, to revel in my God-given gifts - to bestow them on those who chance by, to rest and to be content; I want to cease this agitated striving after God's gifts, this ceaseless round of discontent, inadequacy, inferiority and this waiting in ceaseless striving for God's (smile). Must one fester in order to achieve? Is God so hard a task-master? Nay He is benign, gracious, gentle in His Graces. But I am a slave to Him. Can I not start to act a bit as though I have made it ? Humility tells me I am nothing and I am a beginner [I still am and probably always will be], even though I have laboured so long and so hard. It is hard. Must it be so hard? I feel I must forsake the world (the money, the temporal) for the One, the Eternal. I have already done that to a large extent. Who is the truest mystic? [Of course, it is Jesus and He left an indirect testament in the form of the Gospels.] Is Christian meditation occult? [I was at the point of starting to question whether black was white.] Dom John Main? The reason that Jesus said that to lust is to commit adultery is that He wished in part, to convict us all of sin so we would not do it. God does not intend sin to exist. However, like all sins, this one has its antidote from God. To state the obvious, there is a lot of difference between adulterous fornication and a passing 118 glance at a beautiful grace-filled woman by the adoring eye - adoring the Holy Spirit present in her and admiring her as His vessel. The knowledge that one is a sinner begs a need for God's forgiveness. It also engenders humility, the right relationship of myself to man, to woman and to God. I really wonder if I should go on saying the mantra at all. I do it all wrong. I wonder if I get anything out of it. I used to get great peace. But now it's distasteful, a bore, an inconvenience and very much a service of guilt. I do it because I believe it is good, but then I don't know why it is good. Is it for peace and communion, for doing your duty, for brownie points or for what? I really feel committed to the Divine Office. I want to be committed to the Jesus Prayer. On a good day, the Mass can be a creative, whole - making, uplifting experience. I have been depressed for a while now. It has to do with the mantra and my recurring inability to get along with people. SPIRITUAL DIRECTION - notes for Father Bob Barringer - August 19, 1988 ANSWERS BY FR.BOB 1- The Jesus prayer - Jesus praying in us - doesn't have the central place. 2- If I am a disciple of another Christian - I must take responsibility for praying a Christian prayer. 3- Praying the mantra can be simply an internal management of self and not disciplined formal prayer. 4- Our activity is tempered by the experience and activity of Paul and Jesus who failed. Christian faith says that it isn't the success that is important: 119 - do your duty - don't give up - do it badly, but do it. First temptation - to be Martha Second temptation - to be Mary - and to say that I don't have to do anything - she was attending to the Lord. 5- One has to give God or the church the benefit of the doubt in matters of faith when faith lacks understanding. Questions By Myself I have a weak faith - I will question or hedge about many important tenets of Catholic doctrine and dogma. I am still learning and I am being formed. What are my characteristics: positive and negative- I need to have a clear picture of myself to have a firm foundation. Important - Can I face it? A fundamental problem--I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE FATHER!!!---The answer: Jesus says: "He who has seen me has seen the FATHER!!! And I see signs and glimpses of Jesus all the time. Indeed, I see the Light of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit all the time and the Graces of the Holy Spirit flow through my world from the Father through the Son constantly these days. Another fundamental problem:I have given up trying to change the world. I am passive behind fortress walls. I am weak - I am ineffective, except I don't even try. Usually, I remain silent because I know I will be ignored, trampled on, vilified, and hurt. So I remain silent. Sometimes when there is one person that I feel not afraid of, I will speak out - and LOUDLY - but mostly I am in the grip of 120 the forces around me - often evil ones. [I guess I am interior and a coward. But like most of us I am so misunderstood.] This is terrible to say, but I have never felt the PHYSICAL Presence of Jesus in my physical heart for more than a few hours at a time. I feel so wrong - so much that I am doing the wrong thing. Or is it the wrong thing? I feel guilty and I feel very unsure of myself. The issue is: How religious should my life be? I don't want to be too religious. I want to be happy. I don't want senseless, obsessive, obedience to a discipline that is impossible to live with. I want to be happy. And for the past few months, I have been rejecting my past practices. [Then I got angry] What about the silence of God? It is a scandal [I have for years now been able to "hear" the voice of the Spirit in music, sounds, and movements, etc. Often bizarre, irrational, but always clear, real, substantial] It's beyond explanation! If God won't speak to me, why should I assume He listens to me?! [I was angry - I had forgotten that God speaks often to me]. I have no proof that any of my prayers are answered! And yet I have been praying hours on end. I must be crazy! I am convinced that some or even most of the saints were at least a little crazy. But I don't want to be and won't be if I can avoid it! [I was still angry] - The priests are out of touch with the people! Rome is out of touch with everybody! There is a shortage of priests (one half of the pastorates worldwide are without a priest). But still there is no action! There aren't enough shepherds. The sheep have been lost in unacceptable numbers. And often no one goes looking for them. But we have people with Master of Divinity degrees all over the place aching for a chance to serve. I think the hierarchy doesn't work. But I love it!] [Several days later] Let's examine my religious life with an aim to deciding 121 what is advisable to retain, what is advisable to delete and why. Morning Prayer Evening Prayer Scripture Study Reading Candles, incense, etc. Mass - daily - Sunday The Jesus Prayer I have removed two parts of my practice of religion: 1- the paying of attention to what I am told are hallucinations or visions [by the ignorant] 2- the saying of the mantra or the Jesus Prayer. This leaves me in a world with the guts torn out of it. I feel like a criminal. The visions are of the Divine Light and are definitely and absolutely, Holy, otherworldly, responsive, intelligent, good, always appropriate and even perfect. NOTES FROM FATHER " X " IN CONFESSION 1- (I am) good, but wounded 2- (I am) temple of the Spirit 3- (I am) friend of the alcoholic 4- Use tough love - it's good 5- Be easy on yourself [6- Read St Paul: 2nd Corinthians 8 or 9 approx] 7- Jesus is right beside you 8- Jesus is right beside you even after you have sinned 9- Go and repent and get right with Him quickly The Divine Light can be bright, shimmering, dancing, sparkling, ethereal, ghostly, low, subdued, eerie, blazing, dynamic, static, lively, quiet, overwhelming, 122 subtle, passive or active. HERE ENDS THE SLIGHTLY SUB-STANDARD TEXT THAT MARKED THE VIOLENT SWINGS OF MY IMMATURITY IN THE CONTEMPLATIVE WALK. THE MATERIAL BECOMES PROGRESSIVELY MORE COHESIVE, INTEGRATED, MATURE AND MORE INSPIRED FROM THIS POINT ON. THIS IS A GRADUAL PROCESS, BUT I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT THE BEST LIES AHEAD. THE MEAT OF THE BOOK LIES FROM THIS POINT ON, WITH MANY REVELATIONS FROM GOD, AND APPELATIONS THAT EASILY RANK WITH "SON OF GOD" AND "SAINT". THE PROCESS IS DUE LARGELY TO THE THEOLOGY, WISDOM, KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY OF FR. PETRO (P.B.T.) BILANIUK. IT STARTS SLOWLY BUILDING TO A CLIMAX AND THE RECEPTION OF A PLETHORA OF GIFTS, AND ENDS IN THE DENOUEMENT OF THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SPIRIT. 123 HERE BEGIN THE NOTES FOR SPIRITUAL DIRECTION STARTING JUST BEFORE OCT 13 \ 1988 FOR FATHER P.B.T. BILANIUK, (PETRO). Notes for Father P.B.T. Bilanuik are lacking at first, starting just before October 13, l988. There are also some large gaps in the corpus, namely from January 1989 to June 1989 and also from March to December 1990, when I was separated from F a t h e r P e t r o d u e t o m y b r o k e n an k l e a n d o t h e r r e a s o n s . I have a lot less self-love than I used to have, but I still have some pride, because I still get angry when I am abused. I don't detect all my sins because some of them don't seem like sins (they are blind spots), but I detect my sensual nature, my selfishness, my gluttony, my pride (I wish I didn't value that!!!!) my avarice, my lack of charity, etc., etc. Is the illumination of the illuminative way sensible to the eye with spiritual vision? Is it a subtle form of real, spiritual Light? Is this the meaning of it? I have prayed to have power over evil spirits. It appears to have been granted [temporarily perhaps - I still to this day can't win over evil, if it is powerful, without God's help]. I prayed for a kenosis. I suddenly realized that Jesus was poor, humble and not boastful. I am selfish, egotistical, boastful and self-centred. All because I have such marvellous results from prayer. But it is all the Lord's doing (the prayer). I prayed to have all my Glory taken from me and kept in Heaven. Then I saw that it could be called vainglory. So what is my Glory, I ask you? My Glory was not to be taken from me so I would remain a single person. I was told - if you are in love with yourself, you can't very well love another. So I could keep on being devoted to the Lord and not involved in a disastrous time-consuming affair with a woman, (my wife I would hope). [By the way, my Glory is not my Glory at all. It 124 is shared with or given to me by Jesus.] My sources, (God, the Trinity), say I am a saint, but not yet a living saint. That's a good goal. I still feel like praying all the time in solitude. I know that is part of my call unless my prayer life turns out to be totally unrealistic. A living saint means living it fully, I think. I had a prayer to remove all consolations, as I felt that I must not be motivated by love of my own Glory. I realize I would have nothing if I had not God. God is my all in all, my reason for living and my everything. Witness the confusion I am thrown into when He hides His Face! I have at this time great desire to save souls that would be otherwise lost. Garrigou Lagrange O.P. says there are purely contemplative forms (like St. John of the Cross and St. Bruno) as well as apostolic forms (St. Domenic, St. Francis, St. Thomas and St. Bonaventure). I want to be contemplative, not apostolic. I have worked at the Good Shepherd refuge (3 years), the Academy of Medicine Medical Library (2 years), and Providence Villa (6 months) as a volunteer. Why, I will never know! It is good work, but it's so barren (or so it seemed to me!!!) [God wasn't there in person, I thought. I am by nature a contemplative, not active in my apostolate, spending my time gazing on the Face of God and at times looking deeply into His mind (a very small part of God's mind)]. I love God (Jesus), almost all the time with my heart, and my soul. Now every time I want I can be in the Presence of God and love them with my mind. Pardon my presumption, my vainglory and my pride for mentioning it. It's not pride. I am exuberant. 125 In the years since 1963, when I first entered a mental hospital, I have had a total of some 35 admissions to a variety of about seven different mental hospitals. The greatest variety of these were due to threats of, or on a very few occasions attempts at, suicide. To stress that my illness has been accompanied by a strong spiritual life would be to underestimate the situation. After a strong spiritual background at Glebe United Church in Ottawa [1952- 1960], I sang 2 years in an Anglican Church with St. Matthew's Church choir also in Ottawa until 1964. I attended university for 3 1/2 years going to the Baals, intemperately using alcohol and drugs. At this time, I read Blake and the Spirit moved in my life. I had a basically unhappy love-affair with a girl that I loved a fair bit [my illness was just starting to move in on me at a typical age for the disease]. I lived in Kingston, Ontario for a year and then moved back home to Toronto with my pseudo wife--she was pseudo because we virtually lived together for 4 to 5 years. She left me stone cold broke, sick, a victim of several addictions which I was just getting over, and an overwhelmingly broken heart. During the process of the relationship / illness / Gethsemane religious experience, I nearly literally died from being abused and broken, by my own hand, and by my numerous experiences in the hospital. In the period from l970 - l978 were 3 or 4 hospitalizations per year, but my girlfriend was faithful for a while. There is NO DOUBT that I faced death daily by my own hand. I was terrified beyond measure because AT NO TIME DID I EVER WANT TO DIE. It was always compulsive. I had no control over it. It was precisely and definitely a Gethsemane experience. This Gethsemane experience was to last for no less than 27 years, from 1963 to 1990. [These passagesares being written in Nov. 1992] It was characterized by frequent dangerous confrontations with the devil. All the while I was praying more and more for help, because all other help had failed and God was the only one who could help. God was drawing me back to himself. I have been chaste since l973. I haven't had any illegal drugs since l973. I have had very, very moderate use of alcohol since l982. (IE. 4 glasses of wine - 1982 - 1994 - I counted them.) [I guess you could virtually call me a 126 teetotaller]. In the period 1970 - 1975 approximately I had the girlfriend that I have mentioned, for a while and I loved her more than life itself. I wanted to marry her and she felt the same way, but my illness was still in full force. I had failed to get to the altar, but God and Jesus had better things planned for me, plans that would make a real marriage to any of the girls I had dated seem immeasurably small compared to what I was being called to. We lived in Hamilton for a short while before separating before 1975. THE SHAME!! In l982 while living in Toronto, I was experiencing such persecution from whatever was making me feel so bad, that I threw out my picture of Jesus lying on the rock in the garden of Gethsemane, (that I got in Jerusalem), because I thought I was in a place like Gethsemane and I would do anything not sinful to get out of this awful garden. These were the times of trials, of great sufferings and of countless hours of prayer to defend against the evil one and stay alive. I had become pre-occupied with death.[ I was continually being given the options of life or death like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. But I was continually under psychological pressure to die. Needless to say, this was not God's direct will, it was His permissive will but not His direct will. It was from such pressure against my life that I turned to God so wholeheartedly in order to save my life.] In l977 in Hamilton, I moved into a community house run by a "friend." He has always claimed that he was not my friend, but the friendship has always been on my side not on his. He did the job right for a community mental health worker. I had two hospitalizations in the 4 1/2 years I was there. I greatly admired him and yet I also feared him, not without cause. We had daily Mass with a priest, prayed the office daily and had a good community life. I was hurt more by people at this time than I had been since communal living during previous school days. [I don't like living in community now that I live alone in my apartment. My mystical life has really expanded during my time here alone.] In late l984, I began praying the Jesus Prayer privately at the suggestion of a priest for which I am very thankful. 127 In l986, I started spiritual direction. The notes contained in this book / journal date from this time. [ I have had one admission to a mental hospital in April l990 and 2 more in late May. The first admission was due to having a broken ankle when they had no other place for me to stay. The second and third admissions resulted from the administration of the wrong drug by the doctor, causing a druginduced manic phase.] I eventually identified my urge to kill myself as a temptation similar in some ways to the one Jesus experienced in the desert - to jump off the temple and have God's angels bear him up. This would kill a normal person and in this respect at least, I am normal. Jesus replied to satan: - "You shall not put the Lord Your God to the test." To quote this, often helped a lot. I recommend it. God must be huge if His train filled the temple. There is no doubt that at the present time the phenomena consist largely of different forms of Light and I can't believe they all come from an evil angel. [They are so pure, so inspired, so inspiring, so good, so loving, so merciful, so tender, so true]. God is Light too, [preeminently THE LIGHT, absolutely omnipotently]. Light forms are good or evil This is the mystery, I often experience- various degrees of peace, Light, Life, joy, Love - often, other times, oppression and tribulation. I had been trying for years to figure out who radiated what kind of light--which was true and which was false--the characteristics of the light that came from the devil or an angel of light, contrasted with the Light that radiates from each Person of the most Holy Trinity. I have found the person whose experiences most approximate mine in recorded history [so far as I can see]. It is St. Symeon the New Theologian. I have experienced most forms of his amazing written experiences of God. I have a book of some of his major works if you would like to read it, Fr. Petro. I wish I could 128 write like him. My apprehension of the Holy Spirit, the UNTHINKABLE GOD as the devil is a perversion on my part. It is a false interpretation based on fear of the evil one - laid on, as it were, like a filter on my eye or my minds eye by perverseness, my own evil and the frequent contact with some underground denizen. [It is also potentially a sure cause for damnation, if pusued and adopted interiorly. One might also become a murderer, for just one of the results. How can one be good if one has abandonned God? NEVER DO IT!!! I was given the Grace of seeing what pseudo-contemplation was like: why - there was nothing there, just the pricks of the enemy. I am told that "this day I have begotten thee" - today Sunday November 13, l988. I prayed for a "hypostatic union" between my soul and the Light of Christ. I had pressure on my body (stomach) and then something entered my body - stomach - the Light in the room had grown dark. I think it might have been too bright (a dazzling darkness???). I am rejected by men, but chosen and loved by God. Like Jesus, - I'm a mental patient - people thought He was crazy, etc. Both of us are identified as being crazy. He was falsely so and I have a firmer basis of fact. However when I am well and that is fairly often, then I AM WELL!!! I am very weak and disabled, but I am not SICK OR CRAZY. How much can I become God - what's it like, what happens? I don't do much to help other people. I am lazy and self-centred - or shall I say God-centred. I don't want to start any work that requires much time or energy. I just want God - will this improve? Will God do it or do I have to do violence to myself to motivate myself? 129 I am shy - really. [ My persona is outgoing, but my true self is seldom apparent. I am afraid of most people when it comes to being sensitive, vulnerable and too intimate. ] I think the Lord told me that I thought I was a saint, because I was working for my place in Heaven - for me. I was told that I was working for others not for myself, so I have to go on working for others. That is my responsibility to God - is it? Can I work - a job or volunteer work? What am I going to do? It's a problem. I wonder if it's true? God \ Jesus gave me love. It filled my senses, body and soul. I languished in it. I have been informed that I have already, eternally, POTENTIALLY, before I was conceived, reached the highest place I can have in Heaven. I will be perfectly what I am when I have fulfilled myself. I am not good with others. I like (love) holy people. I have prayed to be the way I am in Heaven for the rest of my stay on earth. I think that being filled with the Light is my goal of meditation. Is this right? Where do I go from here? Is there anything else to experience? Where do old meditators go? What do they do? What should I hope for? What should I expect? Sometimes I think I am Jesus in a sense - I feel like I am Him inside myself. I know it is impossible, but I hope to (a) be like God or (b) be God [one of many "gods"--really a small "g" god] or (c) have God in me. I think it is the latter that I sense or the first one. [I have in me, the INDWELLING CHRIST!! ] I want to be divinized, if I am not already. You are right - I do have a problem with pride. I don't think I am in any way at all, comparable to God, but I think I am more blessed than [most] other people, not by my doing. My universe makes sense. Events all relate to each other - even sights and sounds. Music and "noise" convey meanings to me and I can ask these sensations, 130 questions. [They will not be forced to interpret reality or answer questions. Often, they seem to answer evasively or to equivocate, or they can seem out of touch because I am out of sync with them. Sometimes, they seem to be wrong or I can sometimes catch them apparently lying. The evil one influences this reality sometimes - perverting it. This is a great mystery to me because often or usually they are entirely harmonious, in sync with reality and very helpful in their presentations. God has His own agenda]. It is my assessment that God is the author of most of the ideas. This may not be. It could be my illness. But God has integrity with the rest of my universe and usually seems consistent under critical scrutiny. You must remember, God is a mystery--sometimes He doesn't make sense to us. There is a meaning or an answer for every phenomenon. It is orchestrated. It has harmony. It has meaning. It is me, God, and other-oriented ie. it originates in mystery (God) and is usually oriented towards me and sometimes towards and about other people. I see Grace and the fire of the Holy Spirit. I have seen the Trinity in a symbolic physical form. I see the Light from God and I feel its healing powers. - Never full strength [wrong - I have seen great blasts of Grace from a large opening like a wind tunnel, the Holy Spirit streaming through it from eternity, so it can be felt and seen, clearly and powerfully. I call this the abyss, or the ground of my being. It is, in fact, God in one of His basic, fundamental forms]. God is powerful. Jim said my feelings of irritability and anger are just part of my personality. If someone says something that is insulting or that I disagree with, I quickly get quite angry. Then it wears off. It's just my cross [The old Man]."The anger of man does not do the will of God." Notes for APRIL 17, 1989, approximately I have the spiritual espousal and not the spiritual marriage, according to the descriptions given by Arintero. [but does an engagement or espousal involve TWO 131 rings, one for Jesus and one for myself - both of us? Is this not marriage? I don't know.] I have exchanged spiritual rings, but God won't tell me if I am going to have the Spiritual marriage. [ N.B. God just told me I already have the Spiritual Marriage. R.D. March 3, 1991.] I am still attached to things and people a bit, so my appetites and passions are still operating. I have not died to self. Sometimes, I still lose my temper. I have been turned into Light. Spiritual Light radiated from my head, face and chest during prayer on Sunday night, December 3, l989 at 8:55 P.M. It was in response to a 7-stage prayer of 4 parts = 4 x 7 = 28 = (3x3x3) + l = 28 [I usually have to work fairly hard to get Graces from God - but very occasionally, it's easy]. Each line was addressed to the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, the Most Holy Trinity - 4 sets of the word irrevocable (for the prayer to be permanent) irrevocably l,2,3,4 x 7 with Father,Son, and Holy Spirit and The Most Holy Trinity. I am constantly going to people for consolation. I usually pray 2 to 6 hours a day these days, including Mass. I read spiritual books l/2 to 2 hours a day, I must work, etc. But I like girls and women. I think I should be more careful or I will fritter away my chances for a high place in Heaven over a pretty face. I am not myself. That means I am not the person I would be if I didn't have all the stress, lies, hurts, etc. that I have had up until now, including the very recent past. These influences have alienated me from my natural self that I was when I was a child. I have for the past l7 years subjected everything in myself to the goal of becoming the holiest person I can. Rather, it has been an increasingly absolute drive to love God and to obey Him, to please Him, to (now) perfect myself - in short to become a saint. I have decided to stop calling myself a saint. It shows too much pride. I'll let God call me saint. But I am not myself. Jesus Christ lives in me. It would be interesting to 132 know what or who I (we) will be in Heaven, especially after the stress and suffering of this pressure cooker, purgatory of a world. Father Petro, I have adulterous thoughts for women. This sometimes comes as a compulsive sub - conscious desire to break up the marriages of friends (malice), and sometimes I can't stop thinking this way - but I never ever act on it. I guess it is a neurosis. How can I stop thinking these things? Dad - Mom, my friends and others. Do I really break up marriages? [I never get involved - it's all in my head]. I resent and despise those in authority over me and prostrate myself before them (figuratively speaking). I gain their allegiance this way. I'm a boot licker. It also takes the form of constant love for those who use me despitefully. (I have ambivalent attitudes to most people in my life. When they are nice they are very, very nice, but when they are bad they are horrid). May I practice some austerity, subjecting the body to corporal suffering [THE DISCIPLINE] eg. a chain around my waist or flagellating my body. [Such practices were the rule up until Vatican II - now they are quite rare.] Some corporal penance, what would you recommend? [Father Petro suggested I forget it.] I have experienced the betrothal not the marriage, I guess??? I still don't know to my satisfaction. I must be sure. [ I still couldn't believe that I had the Spiritual Marriage, even though God had told me I had it several times. Even at a time like this, I tended to be pessimistic in spite of what God said]. I must serve God more. I don't talk or act much for His Glory. I fear I am a mercenary (according to St. Bernard). I seek happiness for myself. I was once told on several occasions by the Light that I was a son, but I seek Truth. But the Truth that I may be a mercenary frightens me. I seek rank in 133 Heaven - selfish - not God's Glory - my Glory. I am prepared to sacrifice my place in Heaven to carry out God's will. But I haven't renounced my Glory. [Later, I both renounced my Glory and my place in Heaven and gave it for distribution to the individuals in Heaven. It was necessary for humility. I trust God will make me the most happy I can be.] From Poustinia by Catherine De Hueck Doherty. "The greatest prayer is the Eucharist. Times spent before the Blessed Sacrament and in chapel form part of this prayer. Of course, prayer is much broader than all this. Prayer is as infinite as God. Prayer is constant. Prayer is work. Prayer is loving. Prayer is dying. Prayer is stripping oneself of ones needs. Prayer is serving the needs of others. Prayer is conversation with God that never ceases. Prayer is life in Nazareth and doing the work of Our Lady, or helping St. Joseph in the carpentry shop. Prayer is living in the Presence of God." These are wise words. She also says somewhere in the same book (in my words), that the devil can be defeated by praying the Jesus prayer and STAYING STILL. Don't be forced out of your prayer by the evil one. Keep praying. Stay in the "poustinia". She says that if you are in the poustinia you will definitely meet the devil. If you are continually afraid of him, you should talk to your spiritual director. 134 "SICK" SASI.NT THE FOLLOWING IS A QUOTE WHICH JUSTIFIES BOTH MYSELF AND THIS BOOK. ACCORDING TO FATHER PETER FRANSEN S.J., IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE AND INDEED IT MAY IN SOME WAY BE NORMATIVE THAT MANY SAINTS ARE IN FACT ILL MENTALLY OR PERHAPS PHYSICALLY, ALTHOUGH THE OBVERSE IS NOT USUALLY TRUE: THAT IF YOU ARE ILL, YOU ARE A SAINT. MY HEART FILLS WITH JOY AND LOVE TOWARD FATHER PETER FOR HIS INSPIRED APPROACH TOWARD THE SUBJECT OF SAINTHOOD AND THE MENTALLY ILL. PRAISE GOD. In Divine Grace and Man, (Desclee Company, New York, Tournai, Paris, Rome; l962) P. ll3, Father Peter Fransen S.J. writes eloquently about the church's recognition of some broken people she calls saints or who are at least elevated in status by the church. He says "The providential design of raising canonized saints in the church, according to the needs of the times, has been dwelt upon by many writers in recent years. Now in the case of persons undeniably privileged by Grace, but psychologically disordered through no faults of theirs, spiritual oddities or morbid character traits would prevent them from being held up as models for imitation in the church. Nonetheless psychological disturbances are not necessarily obstacles to Grace." He writes, "God's ways are wonderful. He may, when He wants, destine some interiorly distraught souls to the sublime, if harrowing, vocations of imitating Christ forsaken and desolate in the garden of Gethsemane; and this "in spite", or rather by means of their shattered psychic condition. The essential requirement for holiness is the same for all: a faithful "yes" to the call of God, manifest in the particular concrete situation of existence which His wisdom has chosen for each one; the case of the psychotic man is no exception to the rule." (p.113). My preoccupation with suicide is one such example of a Gethsemane 135 experience. God placed me in it and it went on, and on, and on. I had to respond with great courage and utterly cleave to my God. This knowledge did not make it any easier. Jesus has started to show me the Father. The Father is revealing Himself to me in the last few days through the Son, I believe - Light and Energy both [I experience the Father as the "ground of my being" regularly, but only very rarely has He identified Himself in the Light and Energy. He is like the everlasting hills. Perhaps it is a mistake???] Lord Jesus, God the Father, Lord, the Holy Spirit, Teach me to worship you in Spirit and in Truth. [I was sanctified on the alter of her indifference.] June 20th, l989 approximately l2:24 A.M. I gave my soul to God the Father eternally tonight at this time. He accepted. It was in response to a statement that "God didn't have my soul", expressed in the sound of the tires of the cars outside on the pavement. Ineffable! Is this the union of the soul with God the Father? June 25, l989 I prayed the Jesus Prayer resistance within and without Why do I do this? God, why do I do this? just confusion and silence and resistance Then I saw it The Diamond, the fountain of the Spirit 136 So we are still married are we Jesus? I was so cold and casual so bitter and withdrawn So we are still married are we? "A marvel in our sight" We must be past the honeymoon for sure No great pyrotechnics No fire-bursts in the sky just deadness and indifference past the honeymoon for sure taking the Lord for granted oh how it hurts to write that just a middle age romance with all the excitement all the surprise all the novelty worn to a flat-surfaced greyness. Where do we go from here? BUT the diamond was for fidelity. It was for faithfulness. At least we are talking, OR I AM. Please reply. [I often have and still do see this diamond, symbolic of one that we exchanged some time ago. It is usually very large and absolutely true although rather fuzzy. I can see right through it. It is made of the Holy Spirit. I am reminded of Macbeth's immortal words (paraphrased) "Is this a diamond I see before me". I hope the Lord doesn't mind me joking like that AND that it DOESN'T proceed "from the heat-oppressed brain." I asked the Lord if I could be "number one" in Heaven [the laurel crown in earthly terms]. He said "yes" and indicated me standing in front of a great throng 137 in eternity. I was as high in rank in Heaven as I could achieve. I was ecstatic - I had asked for a high place in Heaven for a year. I tried to thank Jesus and then I thought "Is it 'number one' for eternity?" I asked to "be 'number one', eternally"? God said "No!". I was dismayed. "Why?", I asked God. He answered by showing me many people and said one word "SHARING". I am romantically interested in all females, (girls, women), but not serious about any of them [more or less, almost totally less by now [December, 1993.] I am becoming dead to sin]. I am sin-interested in them all, but not to the point of action and usually not in developed thought sin [more or less-approximately]. [ I am getting more and more pure and innocent]. I felt the Spirit move in my stomach. I thought it was me striving to be limitless like God. Then I realized that it was God in my stomach AND in my head striving to escape and BE GOD - that is, be limitless. Then I thought that God must want me to be (future tense) in Heaven, limitless and free. God said: "NOT WRONG, THAT". My thought now is that in Heaven I must be Spirit to be limitless and be like God. I think that to be happy is not enough. One must have a commitment to the Truth. The Truth is that I am not a good Christian, although I act as though I am a good visionary. The truth is that I am blinded by the Light. I can't see even the most simple truths; that I am rejected by men; that I favour the company of the rich and successful; that I act as though I am perfect; that I despise and reject some of my mentally ill brothers and sisters; that I am lazy and selfish; that I am a glutton and sexually a sinner. That I am oh so proud. That it takes almost nothing to offend me. That I verbally "slander" and detract in small ways from my so-called enemies, who are often, in fact, my friends. That I look down upon almost everyone I know. That I won't help everyone. [That's right--everyone (not, 138 anyone)]. That I seek recognition and Glory. That I am conceited and THAT MY WORLD IS UTTERLY FALSE. What can I do to overcome these faults and deficiencies? My psychologist wrote a brief description of me as he finds me. He said I am "O.K., good, holy, loving, strong, acceptable, wonderful, intelligent, humorous, witty, trustworthy, loyal, friendly, pure, wise, determined and, hopefully, no longer in need of suffering". [A truer friendship could not be found from one who really cares. But he and I are both right about me. I am both beauty and the beast, hero and villain; dare I say it - saint and sinner, etc.] I feel very great despair when I choose freely and willfully, or with resignation due to the pressures of life, to put myself in contact with the forces of evil, specifically the devil or satan, his fallen angels or demons. This despair makes what was initially fatigue or weakness, plus a mistake (my choosing evil) into a habit with an occasional abandonment of integrity and territory. [I am writing about what happens if you start to think about the devil. Remember??? "Speak of the devil and there he is". It's true. If you are spiritual and sensitive you will become aware of him. I don't recommend it. I better shut up!!!] Moses experienced the Glory of God. It came to him at a mature age. He died in it. Will or does the luminous Presence of God that I experience last until I die? What is the promised land? Is it the absolute, beyond even the Trinity, of Meister Eckhart and (I think ??) Dionysius the Areopagite? [I think Meister Eckhart was accused of heresy over this idea.] I live for the Light, but it is not new anymore. [These days] It is usually small, little, or forbid me, weak. I'm tired. I almost wish it would go away. But then there is through the eyes of faith and of spiritual vision, the transfiguration of Fr. McAneny at the Sacred Heart Litany a few weeks ago [he claimed to be 139 unaware of "It" - I believe him]. "It" was dramatic, powerful, overpowering and overwhelming in brightness, intensity, luminosity, and brilliance [to those with spiritual vision!!!]. "It" surrounded him like a cloak of Light, some 1 or 2 feet thick and clung to him highlighting him in "It's" radiance, "It's" Glory, "It's" brilliance. I tend sometimes to become so enraptured that I say to myself that I am the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, or the Most Blessed Trinity. As an error, this is grievous. It is murder on the spiritual life. (satan appears - or does he appear before it happens). Taken to an extreme, it is madness. What should I do. By the way, it is in the obvious presence of One or All of the members of the Most Holy Trinity that this occurs. There is a blurring of the boundaries between God and myself and I begin to identify myself with God. Then, there is the step of saying I have God within me. Finally, I say I have union with God. Then, I assume I am part of God. Then, I say unconsciously that I am God, said subconsciously in wonder. THEN I FALL. I have known and fully, (I think fully), believed that what ever the Lord brings about is good, because it is His Will--permissive or direct. Suffering can be good, especially heroic suffering, like fighting the devil. What is hard to take is the blindness, stupidity and lack of caring by other people. Equally hard to take is one's own failings and sins and sometimes the suffering seems too much. [However, we should "Praise God" in all things.] The Lord has spoken through the thunder outside that: "YOU ROB, ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOUR SOUL-SAVING - (GIFT, TALENT, ABILITY)." I am made in the image of St. Therese, the little flower, hidden, weak, quite humble, asking the universe from God and all of Heaven. She did this too, long before me!!! 140 I prayed to be a victim to merciful love, in order to receive torrents of that Divine Love and to love God with His own pure love through me. [I prayed to know what my name would be in Heaven. I was told I would have l0 or 11 names. It was hard work getting any of them. The two I got were Greek and I had never heard of either of them. Here they are: l- St. Melianchor 2- St. Sophistra. Whether these are really my names in Heaven or not, I don't know now - take it or leave it. Look them up in a Greek lexicon or dictionary, if you like.] I fear the time of lukewarmness is upon me. What more can I ask of the Lord? How long and how much? Thus, I beseech the Lord. In truth, I am always tired but I can't stray from the Lord. Can I relax? Is this to go on indefinitely until I die? - I am weary - I am pushed - but I didn't want to offend the Lord. DOES A DIVINIZED PERSON SEE CORPOREALLY OR SENSIBLY, SUPRA-SENSIBLY OR INTELLECTUALLY? TO WHAT EXTENT AND IN WHAT WAY IS VISION IN THESE MODES? AM I RIGHT IN SAYING THAT I SEE WITH, OR SHOULD IT BE THROUGH, MY EYES? DOES THE HOLY SPIRIT INFLUENCE MY MIND OR EYES BY "TOUCHING" THEM, AS IT WERE? I have a diamond, (a spiritual one). I have been told that I am married or espoused to Jesus Christ, (questionable response). I have been told I will have union in September. WHICH SEPTEMBER? God can be very ambiguous in what he says - hinting at, or seeming to say one thing to our mortal minds and at the same time and all the while, and completely truthfully, meaning something else, seeming entirely obscure and quite different. If God wanted anyone of us to know the future, for instance, He could easily make 141 us do so. But, He keeps us in the dark because WE ARE NOT WORTHY and it is for our own good. We could not handle the responsibility. For example, 80% of us would go off and play the horses. So, "in September" could mean September, 1999 (if I live that long). I have no solid expectations of God, especially in the time-frame. But He ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES on the level they were intended by Him. I had a collapse - in Hamilton with my priest - friend, Father Kelly--an assumed name - not to be confused with the mental health worker - it took place on the way there - I don't travel well - evil - till and past maybe Monday night. I saw spiders, even a real live one, burnings, collapse of mud - A FALL. Perhaps not enough vigilance. I saw the whole thing as a corrective towards humility. [They were waking visions like hypnagogic hallucinations, not in the least bit like my visions of God, not even in the same mode and very evil--the work of the devil without a doubt.] I have identified my former girlfriend with Mary, the Mother of God - see, I rebel at the word, "mother". I have put the girl on a pedestal and my drive to want her now is psychological, not sexual. I have spiritualized my relationship with her as with other women more and more. She was educated nearby. I am fixated on her and refuse to have a wife on the basis of the value of celibacy and possible conflict and \ or illness, purity, and faithfulness to her. Besides the overwhelming TRUTH is that I AM MARRIED TO JESUS. But I "will die like any one of the princes"(Psalm 88:6). I saw and nearly committed the sin against the Holy Spirit. I won't say what it was, but I almost made a decision to change my heart structure completely to call what I see, Light or good, by it's opposite, evil. I prayed extensively to never have the choice again and something else: I looked into the abyss of hell.[God allowed me to see how to do it . I deliberately forgot it.] [ P.S. This is a good way to go to hell.] [You couldn't do it because you don't have spiritual vision like me, I'll wager, and you haven't gone through the process I went through. BELIEVE ME, 142 FEAR IT!!!!!!! DON'T MESS WITH IT I have only been at that cross roads once in my life, but believe me I never want to go there again. I have had the option of hell countless times but that is not the same thing. The episode I am refering to, is being in touch with God and being suspended over the abyss of hell. We all have a fundamental option in our life, the choice between good and evil, the choice between heaven and hell and the Real Choice between Jesus Christ and satan. If you've chosen satan then you had better repent because you've chosen evil and hell. GOODNESS AND AN ETERNITY IN HEAVEN WITH JESUS ARE THE ONLY REASONABLE, PEACEFUL, LOVING WAYS THAT LEAD TO A LACK OF SUFFERING AND ETERNAL GLORY. I want to know the Father as well as the Son. I love the Son, but it is not right to settle for a relationship experienced of the Son and the Holy Spirit, but not one with the Father. Jesus told me He was my friend tonight. [Not surprising for a spouse...] I prayed for total union with Jesus (I haven't got that yet, in fact) and was blessed by the revelation of one of my friend's eventual salvation and release from drinking. I prayed to be a Christian forever - that is, not to disown Jesus. I was visited with great Light on (in) my chest. I prayed to be a saint forever in the mind of Him who made me. Granted instantly. I gave myself, my family, my relations, my friends, my union, my divinization, and my sainthood all back to God. He immediately said "yes." I have been saying at the Eucharist "Make me You, Lord Jesus - O Mighty One" - I add the latter. BELLS AT MASS RICH - A - RD = Richard 143 RICH - TO - RD RICH + (The French word a) + (R.D.) (Robert Defries) RICH to Robert Defries. Saint Rob Saint Robert Saint Richard Saint Rob Roy. [Roy = RO (Robert) plus "y" = "yes", the choice between Heaven and n thetwo arms of t h.e. l.e.tt.er. .".y..". .T.h.e.r.e. i.s,. o. r. .c.a.n. b.e. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . implied, a clear choice between going to the right or the left - one says "yes" to good or evil, Jesus or the other guy, and ultimately as a result, heaven or hell. Isn't language fascinating.] This may look like a conceit or may seem to be too far - fetched, but let me say it is rooted in God and that God never discouraged me--in fact, He is the only origin, indeed the only possible mystical origin of this dialogue that takes place between myself and Him, especially at times of profound, mystical, religious importance such as the hidden words in the organ music at Mass--that is, the people usually don't hear them and those who do so, only understand them, if they are given a revelation to do so. It is a hidden wisdom, but it is oh so wise, revealing nothing less than the MIND OF GOD[on the local level]. So the Lord says I am a saint, especially in the church - the words transmitted by the bells, the candles, the organ are really through the Holy Spirit. But I strongly suspect that most people see or hear nothing special or don't understand. The Divine Light also says it. Is it demons, or is it the supernatural power of God? [It is accessible at all times. I am not possessed (obvious to all who read this book). How could anyone as obviously religious and Graced as I am, be possessed. The saints experience occasions of phenomenon like these]. Rich stands for riches in Heaven. I choose to lay up my treasure in Heaven, where "neither moths nor rust can corrupt". Sometimes, I think nothing and God 144 erupts or flows forth saying, "Saint Rob." Should I pretend that I have lessor gifts or achievements, when talking to others about myself? I have been told to be very silent to others about my achievements or experiences (by Fr. Barringer). Am I going to become a public spectacle? I could get God and myself a false reputation. Maybe I am false and don't know it. I am St Rob. on earth or so the Most Blessed Trinity (I think) tells me [I am aware that I sound like a pompous ass. So do we all at times, I suspect. Forgive me, please.] I am not aware of my name in Heaven, angelic or otherwise, except maybe those two names previously mentioned. I don't want to be too big for my boots - or proud. I am just a little guy. But if I get a lot of people telling me how good I am, I might have to flee or suffer tremendously. BUT...... I have a tremendous drive to tell people what I see and hear and experience. I want to be respectable - not a quack (like I guess you think I am). So I tell people often. That is one of the reasons I wrote this book. I want to tell it all for the Glory of God and on every conceivably possible occasion tell THE TRUTH!!!. I am seeking first God's Glory for myself, as my eternal reward. I seek to do this by doing the will of God which I then proclaim, and this is to proclaim God's Glory. But my primary goal is to grow in stature in God's Grace. The evil one always gets the better of me. - a roaring lion - the thundering waves of your indignation have passed over us (me). I prayed to possess the essential Unity and clearly contemplate the Unity in the Trinity. This was such an important prayer it took l hour to complete. l- (please grant it) eternally and irrevocably, Lord Jesus, Lord God, Lord, the Holy Spirit and irrevocably, irrevocably, S, F, HS (then) eternally and (3 irrevocably's, S, F, HS 145 (finally) eternally + 4 irrevocably's, S, F, HS). the first irrevocably is for the Son, the second the Father, the third the Lord, the Holy Spirit, and the 4th for the Trinity together. Do the whole set of 4, 7 times = 28 times This is 3 x 3 x 3 + l = (the cube of the trinity or its 3 persons) + l for unity. In the seven x 4, - the 7 equals one of the numbers of God and \ or the seven spirits of God. Do 5 more irrevocablys later to bring it to 33 the year of Jesus' death in His life span. 28 Hail Marys 33 Jesus prayers l Te Deum for unity then 3 more for the members of the Trinity l Hail Holy Queen l Glory to God in the Highest My attacks by the devil are nothing short of a crucifixion. I don't know if I gain anything except for relief at the end. I offer it (or myself) up for the salvation of souls. [I think my suffering at the hands of the devil may be an involuntary (or was it voluntary at some time) series of acts of atonement for the sins of others and myself. There is a real economy to the action of God at all times.] [I "divorced" 27 people that I felt I had been too close to. This was to attain some detachment. Any reaction was taking place in Heaven, not with me. The preamble to this action was phrased, "I divorce anyone I may have wanted to marry or have married, psychologically, spiritually, physically or emotionally or socially, except my Lord Jesus". I renounce ever marrying any of these people. I renounce the mental desire for marriage. I renounce marrying any one in my life ever, except my Lord and 146 Saviour, Jesus Christ. I said 12+1 (13) Our Fathers - great Light at times. l- for the lance in Jesus' side for forgiveness. 2- for the wounds in His hands. 3- for the wounds in His feet. 4- for the wounds in the hands and feet together - so painful. - for forgiveness of everyone in the universe forever. 5- for the business dealings of men - what men do with their hands. 6- sex offenses and sins - forgiveness. 7- sins against God--forgiveness. 8- sins against Heaven--expiation. 9- sins against God by saying "no" to Him. l0- sins against marriage and the family. ll- injustice. l2- sins of betrayal. l3- sins against His saints. Jesus revealed to me that I should be praying to the Trinity more often. Jesus led me to see that: l- I try to kill Jesus. 2- Question - how can I love Him fully after realizing I often only ask things of Him? Do it more caringly or tenderly? 3- How do you treat your fellow man? (answer - poorly, selfishly). How can you love Jesus, if you can't love your fellow man? Your fellow man is a type of Christ - a member of the mystical Body of Christ made in His image. So if you care for your fellow man you are caring for Jesus. Loving Jesus is loving your fellow man. So we must do charity - organizedly or casually - individually. 147 I am pretty stupid - unintelligent, not looking at the results of my actions, too interior, preoccupied, jealous, boastful, impatient, a certain amount wanting my own way, selfish, unkind, short-sighted, ego-centric. [God the Father said I am not a saint in any way except through my prayer life. He said it a bunch of times in the past few years.] Also I am not too nice, not too humble, not too good, and not too loving. I am surrounded by evil spirits and they want to control me and/or destroy me. [ So are we all. A good deal of the heartache and suffering, we go through in life, is a direct result of being influenced by these awful creatures or by being influenced by other people that have given in to their lies and oppression. We are all involved. No - one is free of these fiends for long. ] I have prayed to be crucified - years ago. I have always affirmed that decision [and renewed it]. To be killed and die is my goal on earth. I hope to die in the same pain as Jesus. So I do hope. This is not morbid - it is love. I can pour out my life's blood and life's force and buy the salvation of souls - a co - redeemer [Jesus died for me and the greatest honour would be to die similarly for Him and mankind]. I am nothing. But God has to do it not me! It is to gain souls for Christ that I want to die. Not that my death is identical to His. He is God saving the whole human race. My death would be a part of His--but I am just a poor human being. He is God. [But definitely and absolutely, not by my own hand.] [My suicidal impulses over the past 20 years have been almost always triggered by grossly overt and powerful temptations by the devil. He must want to kill me a lot.] I have the gift of tears often. January 27, l990 148 In my words, we can say each person has their own partial minute encounter with the God (usually known as God). That people should seek to limit the way that the God presents Himself, is very unsophisticated, bigoted, and untrue. Let it be known, the God will not be limited. The vast number of people in the world and the many religions conceal an almost infinite number of experiences of the God. And God in His universe and mind DOES display an infinite number of signs of His Presence. God will not be limited. [My own "seeing" the Spirit of God and my supernatural life are the reasons I wrote this book. I do not claim to be unique, but certainly unusual.] August l6, l989 I saw Light and darkness competing in the air above my head the light was in pure rays the darkness was aggressive the Light was constant it shone Grace I asked it who it was It shone God's Light I rejoiced I adored it It shone love in return I asked to see Jesus Jesus Light shone I asked to see the Holy Spirit a spiritual dove appeared I had prayed a few Hail Marys Mary shone her warm pink glow. Then the whole of Heaven shone a bit later I saw angel wings 149 coming to minister to . . . . . . . . . . me then I lost concentration and the darkness closed in Thank you God - Father Jesus - Son Lord, the Holy Spirit The Blessed Virgin Mary Thank you Gabriel angel choirs and angels company of Heaven I think I have been mislead by Teresa of Avila and Therese, the Little Flower a bit. I think that Ruysbroeck is more helpful. The Lord has told me that I will be IN the Lord in Heaven. I don't know what that means. I am told that I will be separate from my family, who will all be with their family and friends, verified January 27, l99l. What is the greatest thing (gift) that a man can ask of the Lord? [I had a vision while half-asleep, of looking out over a very beautiful valley with lush green trees and vegetation. I turned around and there was a long low building - 50 feet high made of stone, I was next to a pillar and I looked up and saw my name,"Robert Defries", on the pillar - a mammoth pillar, 7 feet across. BUT there was a little face like an elf on the lower part of the picture which could mean that it was not authentic. I had this vision in late l986 or early l987. It wasn't until at least two years later that I discerned that in the Old Testament, there is a description of the temple in Heaven, I believe, with the names of people on the columns around the perimeter. But I was the only actual person in my vision, except for the pixie.] And it didn't seem like the Heaven of the Book of Revelation 150 which doesn't have a temple. It seemed much more Old Testament. [At this time now, May 20th, 1992--some two years later, I seem to have come up with another reference that I had overlooked or forgotten. I am referring to Revelation, Chapter 3, verse 12. In the King James Version, it goes as follows: "Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out, and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God which is New Jerusalem, which cometh down out of Heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name". Now here we have a temple with my name on a pillar and we have seen already that I am given two specific new names in Heaven plus nine more which are not revealed. These two names are St. Melianchor and St. Sophistra. St. Melianchor seems to be composed of "melanch" + "i" + "or", integrated as it seems. "Or" is the devils version of "Ro" , the first two letters of my given name. Thus, Melianchor could mean that I (am) MELANCHOLIC ABOUT THE NEGATIVITY--influences on me against my will!!!. St. Sophistra on the other hand could mean an association with Holy wisdom this word, Sophia, meaning Wisdom. It's all a bit roughly composed, but I do claim to have been given great gifts and all entirely undeservingly. At no time during this whole period, did I ever think I was anywhere near free from sin]. Are the words suggested by my movements, and the movements of others, as well as sounds, caused by the devil. I must know. I can't make them disappear. Yes, I can. But I have to switch them off mentally. By the way, these voices are IN NO WAY similar to schizophrenic voices, which the authorities acknowledged that I have never had. [These so-called voices are at times audible like a locution, or "read" by the sanctified eye, and are sometimes communicated by infused contemplation, or by the fructifying power of the Holy Spirit. I prayed very extensively a long time ago to stay in purgatory until the end of time for the salvation of souls. I don't think I am showing off, but I am proud. Is this good? I don't know if God is going to hold me to it but He has reminded me of it. 151 I have prayed not to be envious of the saints. I hope to be a child. I agreed to let myself be tortured by the evil one -I agreed with myself. I volunteered. I very much have the problem of the young girl with her boyfriend who says; I love you, stop! stop! stop! I love it, stop! stop! stop! I love you!!!! I am actually quite afraid of the Presence of Jesus, or the Spirit, or God. I am very defensive. I want to be in control. I actually reject God in the very word and motion of inviting Him in. I am afraid of being ravaged spiritually and emotionally. I can't force myself to freely, unfetteredly and unreservedly invite Jesus in. I always hold back. Now, I seldom see the full power of God as I sometimes have. I see illuminations on the wall which speak to me and often indicate sainthood or approval. So I go on asking for gifts for myself, others and the world. God always says He will give me something. Sometimes with my most outrageous demands, He just indicates approval, but doesn't say He granted it. This fact of Jesus calling me Saint Rob, for instance, is certainly one way of encouraging me to strive for the peaks of Holiness. In fact, it was Very Encouraging. And don't forget now, God is infallible, that is, He never lies. I have prayed to be higher than St. Paul, St. Joseph, the disciples, St Thomas Aquinas etc.. Obviously, I don't expect to achieve this, but shoot high and take what you are given. I repeat, I don't expect to attain these goals, but aim high and accept what you are given. I guess you could say that I am sometimes not too humble, and that when I am spiritual, I tend to be ambitious. All I can say is that it sometimes works for me, and that God takes us as we are, IF ONLY WE WILL APPROACH HIM. That is where I have some luck. I usually never fail to approach God, insistantly beseeching Him for an answer to my petitions. God knows He has a flawed, weak, vessel to deal with. Still He loves me, I hope you can too. 152 I go only on hope. I know I am not as great as these men - that I am a little one. That I am ill. That I have few works. But I can pray and God listens. Maybe He will elevate the poor man from his bed of suffering, with a pure heart, fidelity to family and friends, a bit of knowledge, a great drive and striving to be with God in spite of manifold distractions, some chastity, some obedience, a lot of poverty with firm hope, great faith as exhibited by the belief in God's blessings on this matter - and love - I can't feel the love too much, but the drive toward God and the drive toward the good of others are powerful. My love for myself is not perfect. I have been suicidal often in the past 22 years, except for the past 2 years (in thought and deed). Life was so horrible. I now find a joy, a peace sometimes, a strength of mind and emotion, almost no depression (watch out!) - I am perplexed, on trial, persecuted, oppressed, stressed, rejected, despised, calumniated, slandered, but never defeated these days. [The answer and solution to every development are God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit and the Most Holy Trinity, when it comes to me. I have no superior to tell me what to do, so the people I rely on for information are the members of the most Holy Trinity. He (They) will make me what they wish. I have to cooperate. My spiritual director, the Rev. P.B.T. Bilaniuk is a great help. I don't have to rely on the church for any sanctity I have, to be proclaimed. [I am sure it is small.] The sacraments, I need. The literature, I need. A religious order, I don't need - nor do they want me.] The sky's the limit with the All Holy Trinity!!! It is possible that what I call the devil, in some cases, is the wrath of God or the devil AS THE WRATH OF GOD. It is possible that I am not a saint, but that I have a saint watching over me and praying for me and making his presence known. I don't want to consider or accept this view. [It was the last remaining idea that I could think of to defeat the idea that I was a saint].[ I will describe later, a typical occasion in which Jesus calls me a saint in an undeniable scene repeated with variations in its form at least 153 300 times at a rough estimate.] I am covered with a layer of hell fire, I have completely blown up at my friend. I have scorned, derided and castigated him. I don't know if I am right, but it doesn't feel like charity [and it isn't becoming to a saint. But saints are human. They are not perfect. They have weaknesses and faults. No one is more aware of their faults than they are. They are very human vessels. They are on the journey like all of us. They have only partially arrived]. I have prayed for release from the passions - stage 2 according to St. Isaac, the Syrian (to union). I get upset very easily. I have lost my place. The Lord hardly visits my prayer life. I can't pray - I'm too upset and nothing happens. I'm restless. Where are the Eastern Rite Masses ? - good ones - in English - weekends and weekdays. I prayed in a complex formula to Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit, to accept Mary as (Mother of God, Mediatrix of all Graces, co-redemptrix with Jesus). I saw in the second Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Trinity (prayer) a Light above all the pictures on the wall that said ineffably - "salvation." [again!!!]. [I was raised a protestant and didn't have a true knowledge or appreciation of Mary, until I studied about her at T.S.T. from September to December in Father Bilaniuk's class. I was greatly edified and I often include and welcome Mary in my prayers now.] Prayer is the neutralization of great intelligence. One often has only the 154 slightest movements of the mind in simple thought. The more intellectual prayer is can be the degree to which it is farthest removed from God. [But still God often honours complex prayer: it is a mystery.] I turned my face toward Jerusalem tonight. I am heading for my death now; God has accepted it. He said I belong to Jesus as the One who always guided me, and that He had made me what I am, which is by the way, a saint. I am convinced of it. But at the start of my recent walk - about l5 years ago - I asked to be unknown to the world and not to be famous. I asked to have all my Glory in Heaven. I am a bit full of the fact that I am a saint. I have even told a few people about it. But since my gifts are in my personality as it expresses itself to others and principally through prayer, I don't think people know what to ask me for. [Nor could they even want to - I am unknown and the effect of my prayer, while positive, has not been tested. All I can do is try to help people and get God to help them.] I have been informed as I prayed for the ??? time for martyrdom, active or passive that I will have a passive martyrdom. I hope that it will culminate in St. Michael's Hospital Toronto, hopefully in the palliative care unit. But it is in the hands of God. I could be greatly deluded on this point. My imagination is firing my expectations at this time. And imagination is the great enemy of the hesychast. God often talks to me for a whole day, in between interruptions, responsibilities etc. - or at least that is how it seems. He just bathes me in His power - smooth and strong - or His Energies, bubbling and flowing, or His Divine Light, hinted at, illuminating, Lighting up my world in a variety of ways (see other notes). And all these manifestations have the power to give one the word of the Lord. I can just ask and God will comment [when He wants to]. He may not reply with the answer I want or expect, but he always [read - usually] speaks. Almost always, I am responsive in these situations, with God leading and moulding the dialogue between us. I have a mind that provides the fervour and the themes (topics are usually mine, but God fills in the gaps between my thoughts by speaking His word). My Jesus Prayer is the leaven that causes me and God to rise and to 155 percolate and we do percolate! September 7, l989 Father Petro Bilaniuk The ANSWER to the question, what is the highest state we can have in Heaven? (by Father P.B.T. Bilaniuk). "It is to have the gift of the inner Divine love, love that binds God the Father to God the Son and to the Holy Spirit. It is the love of God the Father that generates the Son. We participate in His nature (not in His Essence or Substance.)" I fear that I have been a spiritual glutton. I have lost my God (Jesus in the Holy Spirit) or is it my image of God. I know that it is the Energies of God, that it exists outside myself - that I can see Him, but is that God? I wonder if I have lost this God or is it the image of God? Is that why I am tempted or threaten to quit prayer? I know it is unfaithful of me, but I feel like quitting. All the writers say, "keep it up", but I don't see any end to the pain. Even the pain is sweet. But Teresa of Avila prayed for years without being in the Presence of God much - dryness. I have given myself wholly in every part of my being, in prayer and now I think that I have to be stingy - to say "I will if" (you don't treat me too badly). Teresa of Avila says God doesn't have many friends, because He treats them so badly. (You do that, God!) Why? I must know. I want to be faithful, but it is filled with too much suffering (to which God showed me that I have not begun to suffer). * N.B. Would God lead me this far, if I was going to quit - if things were just going to peter out. I hope not. I want to go on. But it is so hard. I have not seen the Lord much for a long time, maybe a month. I am proud but my self-assurance and self- reliance are growing thin. I think habitually that I am a saint, as has so often been revealed to me and that I am high up in Heaven. This surely is vainglory. I know not of the truth of these ideas, but I know they 156 were given during God's greatest moments with me. But I or no other man ought to think this way. It is intolerable. It sounds intolerable. But I decided it was true. What should I do.? I am ambitious, God. I want to win You over, (seduce - not sexually) You by being as pure as gold as a soul as I can be. I want to offer You my whole self, and win the whole of You, Your Father, the Holy Spirit, in return, for Your sake - I know You would want me to do it. I usually have an overwhelming feeling that constantly dominates my mind. That I am wrong in my prayer life. Wrong in my attitude to God: lax, slack, (medications and weather), unfaithful, restless, slothful, un-motivated, weak, helpless, etc. I can't seem to pray, because nothing happens when I do. It seems to be too painful to try to when God doesn't answer. Basil Pennington in Challenges of Prayer has been a great deal of help. But it's all ideas. I am in pain. Ideas don't make it easier. I am in a form of mental anguish - what do I do? I feel abandoned by God. I can't pray. I even refuse to pray because He doesn't care. But I haven't given up. I still want God and I still try to pray, but I can't. I can do the Office, but the Jesus Prayer makes me feel sick to my stomach. Does it matter if one prays to the Father, to the Son or to the Holy Spirit? Do I always have to say the Jesus Prayer? Can I say the Our Father which seems much easier? Everything is so difficult with emotions high, but usually low - up and down like a yo-yo. Then and now, God is hardly ever here, and when He is, I dismiss Him because He doesn't care. I am like an unhealthy addict who says: "what is wrong?" when everything is all right. Then says, "oh, oh, the devil" and begins to look around to see if he's there; thinks about him in fear for a while - then he appears and I say with satisfaction: "oh, no, he's here"; then I resist him, he beats me up to smithereens; I say "hit me again - stop stop - hit me again - you can't beat me". "I want to kill 157 myself". "I feel weak. I am going to give in - must keep strong, God help me". (I'm praying the mantra at the same time as this happens). "Help, help. So I can't stop you. I'll pray some more. I won't give in. I'll fight to the death". (It builds stamina). "Are you still there? I'm scared." He must be still there. [It is a familiarity based on too much exposure to the miserable wretch. If one gets the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to any great extent, one also gets the hideous fiend-- like it or not. In the process, one begins to expect him to appear, so naturally he does.] I prayed to be made in the image of Jesus (to be raised from my fallenness). There was a significant movement interiorly and much Lights, after the seventh prayer. God told me that He will only give a certain degree of Glory or demonstrate His Presence on earth in limited ways (modes), so I should not expect the whole world to Light up every time I pray. (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT). I have had a dry spell for at least 2 weeks - severely for 4 or 5 days and to some extent for several months. I suffer from this loss, disorientation, fear of having offended God and lack of satisfaction. How many hours a day should I pray? Is it good to suffer: l-when the Lord is not present? 2- for other reasons? Is our Glory in Heaven dependent on our suffering? Should I pray for hours, when the Lord is not obviously there? OR when I don't want to? How long each day should I pray ? - in what form: Jesus prayer, Our Father, the Office, other? I am travelling in search of the ultimate sempiternal union in eternity of God and myself, in my experiences through prayer. I try so hard that I exhaust myself and bring evil and despair as forms of suffering that, given the nature, dimension, and scope, of the drive, must inevitably lead to more suffering, interspersed with Graces and achievements of the clearest and greatest magnitude. 158 It is a great blessing to love the "unseen" more than the seen. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit more than mother, dad, sister and brother. God is most important, but one has an obligation to one's neighbour. What am I doing with God? I am trying to prove to Him how much I love Him. I drive myself into the dirt because I am afraid He may be displeased with me. Isn't there an easier way? This will-exercise is exhausting physically and mentally. The Union of my will and God's will comes in prayer. "Be still and know that I am God". I know you God in union with my breathing and my whole body in my silence, my quiet. But my mind is relentless, like a trip-hammer driving forward - thinking only a bit, but in a mystic way within; all in the name of God - sometimes lost, or blind, stumbling on to my death - I search for the keys to the heart of God. I occasionally have a will to death and a preoccupation with the devil. The devil appears sooner or later almost every time I pray. He must hate me very much to devote so much time to me. I consider it a sort of back-handed compliment--sort of an endorsement of my spirituality by God that he would allow this denizen to plague me. But I wish he would get lost, because its no fun fighting him off all the time. It gets downright tedious and painful. But the prayer is usually relentless and positive. Now I am questioning how long I must put myself through this? I don't want to go to the Baals, so I recognize it is a question of fidelity. But it takes 4 hours to go to Mass properly, sometimes longer: 1-1/2 hours travelling, 2 hours of prayer, 30 minutes Mass and sometimes I pray more. I can't see what more the Lord is going to give me, so I tend to think it's all accomplished. Not so - not until death, I know. But I don't have anymore big things to pray for, so I don't know what to do with myself, except I have to stay in a state of Grace. [I never talk to many people about my relationship to God and the great things He has promised and given me. They won't listen. Only a handful of people have read my book in manuscript form, and then just a little bit. Only one person 159 has read it through. So it is safe to say that I don't flaunt myself publicly. But I will be flaunting myself, if I am published. I am very shy about such things.] Can a person keep their 'reward' in Heaven, if they sin sexually ? Is it necessary to do 6 hours of prayer a day to earn Heaven OR please God ? This smacks of Pelagianism -- earning your way to Heaven - salvation by works. In fact, it is a matter of keeping close, one - to - one, personal communion with the Lord. But I get oh so tired! But the drive to communion is irrepressible and boundless, stronger than my life energy. By the way, I wonder if I am a bit puffed up and proud about my relationship with the Lord. I tend to flaunt it interiorly. But I know my riches are in Heaven, not on Earth. We are supposed to lay up treasure in Heaven. I even call myself Richard as a clever joke - "rich - a - rd", but humility is in being in the right relationship with God, oneself and others, and also in a negative sense, with the world. I know there are many more holy people than myself. But I revel in the revelations that God gives concerning myself and others. I am very pleased with the outcome of my life so far. By the way, you were right about the greatest gift a person can have. I think if God tells me I am a saint I should think I am a saint. It would be a lie to think otherwise. It is not good to be proud of such a thing, but better to accept it freely as a holy gift from the Divine God. However, it is not wise to go and announce it to people or to proclaim myself. Let God do the proclaiming. [I only publish this book as a demonstration of the power and magnificence of God. These notes were originally for spiritual direction and were not written for publication. But as a true part of the record they must include the passages on my minor glorifications - minor by God's standards - the only true standards]. For Father P.B.T. Bilaniuk 160 September 30th approximately, l989 It is possible that the many great and manifold glorious gifts that I have asked for, and apparently received from God, the Son (and so God, the Father and God, the Holy Spirit), are to be forgotten once promised - received in principle as it were, because in truth now, if God or someone were to say: "You are glorious." I would be amazed and say quite naturally:"Who me?" Very spontaneously and with considerable incredulity. I wonder if this is a start at humility and I have returned as it were from the (third??) Heaven to the things of Earth. There is definitely some pride. The air is alive with patterns of Light, immaterial Light that has no hot filament or gas tube source. It is brighter than its background or the natural light and contains pockets, lines or swaths of darker areas that may be and probably are, the absence of this spiritual "ether". It flows like a river, filling the room from a single broad source that wells out with power, engulfing me and the room in a tide of ("liquid") or spiritual "stuff" with Light bubbles of "gas" (air?) in a variety of sizes and vaguely circular or elliptical shapes. This I equate with the "Living Water" of the Most Holy Spirit. It moves and bathes everything or one (me); it touches with peace, quiet, calm and healing. Other times, there are waves of Light several feet wide radiating from some source apparently outside the room. These are very ethereal, and I have to be quite aware to detect them. Also at other times, there is the radiation in a fan-shape of pencil thin lines of Light on a small scale which are a maximum fan size of about 4 yards across because of the small width of the lines composing them. In addition, at times the Holy Spirit licks in ghostly flames on the wall. This is the fire of the Spirit. I am no scriptural expert, but I have no trouble in believing that the apostles were Graced by "tongues of fire" at Pentecost. The colour of 161 "my" tongues of fire, although they are God's and everybody's, is opaque with tints of white, beige, red, blue, grey, yellow or green at different times against a variety of different backgrounds. You can see through the "fire". There is from time to time an illumination beside icons that I have on the wall. This appears to come from behind the picture (icon), although it is flat against the wall. It is especially responsive to the Jesus Prayer and to the Our Father with the responsive agents appearing to be Jesus and / or Our Lady. This is seen through the eye, but does not exist except as a revelation of the Spirit(s) of one or more of the Persons of the Most Holy Trinity. With the presence of Our Lady, the "voice" of the Spirit sometimes says the word "satan" or "the evil one," which is a source of great consternation to me. It is apparently intended as a warning that evil is present. There is no doubt that the vision of any of these manifestations of the Spirit is due to a Grace of God, because the average person cannot see them. For this Grace, I profoundly and with all my soul, and mind, (and heart too, I hope) thank my God. It has, I believe, related to having such a focus and dedication to God (in this case, the Son, Jesus Christ); one may be said to have a single purpose -- Godward, and hence be called pure of heart. This purity of heart is a preliminary to the vision of the Blessed, the Beatific Vision. Thus, the single of heart, who are God-ward, have a foretaste of Heaven, namely, the vision of God. Being in a position to "see" God, they can bring themselves to bear on the Lord with prayers of petition, in particular, and praise, to achieve the ends of God as proposed by the vehicle, the praying person, pure in heart and inspired by the Spirit of God. A typical prayer request from me for some time has been on this basic pattern. "I ask you Father, Son and Holy Spirit most humbly to (request) . I ask this eternally and irrevocably Lord Jesus, Lord God, Lord, the Holy Spirit, and Lord the Most Holy Trinity and irrevocably, irrevocably Lord Jesus, Lord God, Lord, the Holy Spirit and Lord the Most Holy Trinity and irrevocably, irrevocably, irrevocably, Lord Jesus etc. - 3 times in total. 162 (Repeat this triad of l-irrevocably, 2-irrevocably, irrevocably, 3-irrevocably, irrevocably, irrevocably-- by each member of the Most Holy Trinity, individually and together.) Repeat it a total of 3 times for a total of 9 (3 parts x 3). Perhaps, this expresses perfectly a number of combinations or modes of the persons of the Most Blessed Trinity. 7 is also a perfect number (six possible directions of interaction between the Persons of the Trinity, and one for the whole Trinity - 3 individually, 3 pairs and one for all 3 members of the Most Holy Trinity together. 7 for the 7 Spirits of God before His throne. l0, -9 as before plus l for the person praying or being prayed for. l2 for the l2 apostles l4 for the l2 apostles, MINUS Judas, plus the 3 persons of the Most Holy Trinity. l5 for the l2 apostles, including Judas or Matthias + the Trinity. l6 - twelve apostles plus Paul and The Most Holy Trinity. It is impossible to do justice to the Most Holy Trinity. Then, one could pray 3 Our Fathers, with attention being given to the Grace coming from the second one, the Father deferring it to the Son. Then, pray a Hail Holy Queen to acknowledge Mary's place as spouse of God. This can be followed by the same number of Hail Marys, as the irrevocably clauses in the first part of the prayer. Then follow with 3 prayers to the Holy Spirit. "Come Holy Ghost, Creator blest" could be used here, if you don't have a proper prayer to the Holy Spirit - which you should have! Pray it three times to show the fructifying action of the Holy Spirit and Mary, to show our salvation being conceived. 163 Then, pray the same number of Jesus Prayers as irrevocably clauses in the first part. Then, pray a "Glory be to God on high". Finally, pray 4 Te Deums. The last line of the Te Deum is "Oh Lord in thee have I trusted, let ME never be confounded" (or it should be!). Pray also a combination of "Oh Lord in thee have I trusted, let US never be confounded", and "Oh Lord in thee have WE trusted, let ME never be confounded", and "Oh Lord in thee have WE trusted, let US never be confounded". The first one ... - I / me have never been confounded, because your salvation is your responsibility. Others can help, but only you and God can save YOU. [ In retrospect, I think that the prayers of others and the sanctifying grace of the pray - er, wealthy in heavenly terms, can ransom the soul of the sinner. We are the leaven, but then there is the whole loaf of bread. I know this for a fact, God having revealed it to me several times, personally and profoundly. ] If this whole prayer is said sincerely even a few times, great results can be achieved. But you must not stop there, but you must pray regularly until God tells you to stop. The Te Deum can be found in any good, traditional, Catholic prayer book. I would stress that the purpose of achieving this vision of God is not only brought about by such prayer but that this prayer glorifies God the most, and treats Him in His three Persons in the way that He deserves with Much Glory and Honour and Majesty. It has great power although there are undoubtedly other prayer patterns and prayers that are of equal or greater 164 effectiveness. The vehicle for the vision of God as Light is the JESUS PRAYER for me and Orthodox believers, although I have also seen much Light with the above, long prayer and the Lord's Prayer. There is another type of manifestation of the Spirit of God, namely a "cloud" that has a luminous, white glow. There is a sign of the Presence of the Trinity in the heart in a special way, namely a warm glow. In my case, it was accompanied by fond feelings for a fellow traveller. I have "sensed" the Presence of the Holy Spirit in my body and brain by the Presence of waves of Energy, (brain waves in the back of my head. These are common to most people at times.). Just tonight, the Lord called my name through such a brain wave (ineffably). He used the voice of my long lost girlfriend. I sense a mystery here I can not penetrate. I have heard my name called in childhood, when no one was there--seldom mind you--but as a locution. But why does he use my ex-girlfriend's voice? I think that for a long time now, when I visualized, thought about and carried on imaginary conversations with my ex-girlfriend, these thoughts were a "front" for God, and that it was Him whose favour I secretly sought, and whose love I received in the most tender, receptive and human recesses of my mind. In short, I wasn't loving her, I was loving Him and He was healing me. And yet her memory is so important to me. But it is not God and it is not her. It is an image that I love. I see God behind that image. She is in my heart. No - one can overestimate the power of memories over the human psyche. No one else has ever taken over my heart. God owned my heart until she came along. I had a terrible fall. I think it's as though she is a filter for God to act through. She resists all attempts by me to force her out of my heart. I have learned the meaning of "guard 165 your heart". A divided heart is a terrible thing. This explains why I have never really married a totally human being. I have to be true to my heart, I am married (in my heart) to her--but spiritually to Jesus. It is pride that makes me think that I have the right to order God to do this or that, or to be present when I want. I feel some humility as I write this. I have no right to expect anything from God, except that He loves me. I am the clay and He is the potter. So why don't I just accept what He does or doesn't do? Why am I always so disatisfied? THAT IS THE QUESTION. Is it because I am selfseeking - to please myself, instead of coming into union with the will of God. God comes into union with me, but I don't come into union with Him. I am so blind, so stubborn, so evil, so weak willed and so unable to do the good. I don't live the gospel at all. I value the poor and spend time with them. I occasionally practice mercy. I am righteous, but mostly self-righteous, and then only when there is no cost. I am smooth as honey on the lips, and very uncertain where my allegiances lie. I am afraid of getting hurt. I have vowed to die for Christ, but can't even defend Him when a big, loud, aggressive or determined person is my opponent. In short, I am a coward. I love attention and love, and I resent criticism often. I am a poor student. I often find it very hard to forget, after forgiving. I sometimes bend the truth a bit [I exaggerate]. Very occasionally when cornered, I bend the truth even more. I often want to steal, but virtually never cheat or steal. Know not I, that I am poor and helpless and starving and naked? AND I PRESUME TO GLORY AND SAINTLINESS????? But I do have a lot of Glory imprinted on my mind by infused contemplation, which blinds me to my poverty, helplessness, hunger and destitution. I am suffering from a great doubt and I have for years. I don't think that I can expect anything, except suffering and the death of my family, and I am waiting for my own death from moment to moment. I live in the presence of my own 166 death. I hope I don't kill myself. But this has not been a drive for some time now. The sages say to live daily with your death. Truly, this world is a vale of tears. I have little hope for the future. There is no hope of advancement of goals. God no longer marches with my armies. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark - my prayer life!!! I think of marriage, what a joke - I am not capable of marriage - I am too selfish, too self-centred, too serious, too moody, too angry, perhaps even too violent although I am a pacifist. [Jesus never was in a fight as far as we know. God knows, He certainly had enough opportunities for them in the gospels.] Besides I am not in love. There is a girl I like and respect, who gave me a long hug the other day. But I know it is just this sort of path that makes me think of marriage, so that I sincerely and seriously doubt any such option. I could never get married for physical motives for the simple reason that I was once a carnal man and I know the emptiness of sex without love and respect, especially selfrespect. It is so hard to tame the beast. However, I have come a long way and I can see the end in sight, when I will be "dead unto sin". I recommend it. It is like the calm, gentle lagoon in a tropical paradise, compared with the raging, smashing, violent beating of the surf on the rocks at the base of a precipitous cliff. My school no longer interests me. I am as it were submerged in a large tank of water, not touching anything, and not able to see through the murky waters - the future is unclear. What should I do? I don't have any desire to expend any effort. I am physically comfortable and lazy. But is it necessary to strive? - I don't want to, but if it is rewarding I may try. My devotion to Christ has been singular, pervasive and almost obsessive (mind you it is difficult to see how any devotion to the Person of Christ could be too much). Indeed, it is my contention that the many things, both reasonable and not, that I have done for Jesus over the years to prove to Him that I love Him are in a more or less proportionate ratio to the degree and way in which He reveals Himself to me. I am Jesus' man. Maybe never to do anything much for Him in the world, but I belong to Him. I am very frail ,- weak - willed, easily led astray, not too intelligent, fearful, slow to learn, and lacking virtue; but the beatitudes might have 167 been written about me: poor, persecuted, pure of heart, a bit merciful - not much, mourning most of the time and loved by God. What level of the mountain am I on? How far have I advanced on the road to God? Am I very blessed? God just blessed me. My head tingles from the Graces. [I must tell you of two experiences that happened to me. First, in l976 I got sick mentally (manic, not maniac) and partially hitchhiked 3,000 miles to Vancouver Island, British Columbia, to live off nuts and berries in the forest, like St. Francis of Assisi might. Now I was sick, or else I would not have got started. I made a superhuman effort hitchhiking almost 3,000 miles to live in REAL poverty, the life of Christ. [ It didn't work. It was too hard. I came back quite shortly.] The second time was in l98l-82 when I decided to go to Iran and convert the Ayatollah Khomenie. He had caused so much trouble, that I figured someone had to do something. I hitchhiked l,000 miles to New Brunswick with the intention never to turn back--to take a freighter to Iran. But then I hadn't eaten for 4 days, had no money and no change of clothes ("take no money, nor tunic with you") and I was turned back by the police. So I obeyed the civil authorities and came back. I wanted to, or was willing to die for Christ, and I probably would have if I had arrived on a freighter from Canada to Iran. But St. Francis went across enemy lines alone to try to convert the sultan to Christianity. So, I was copying my inspiration, St Francis. In both these cases, I was ill and my judgement was impaired by a manic high. The lesson is clear - stay well, take your medications. Another truth is the extent that my love for God would cause me to attempt the impossible. But God has always raised people up to attempt His work against impossible odds who operated with great intensity and great singleness of vision - eyes and mind on Jesus Christ. But in these two cases, this singleness of vision for God blinded me 168 to the requirements of physical reality. I could have starved, got killed or hurt in transit. Not practical, but we should be "fools for Christ", as St. Paul says. What level of the mountain of transfiguration am I on? I know I don't work hard. I read a fair bit - all contemplative literature - I pray from tepidity to wrapt concentration - I say the Jesus Prayer and relax to watch God's display of Light. Why should I be so blessed?. True, I have pursued the Lord as a hound pursues the hare for l6 years, and on and off before that for my whole life. I have made Jesus Christ, my gem and my pearl to put in the centre of my being - soul and body. There has been little chasing after the Baals, whether sensuality or materialism, and almost no rival thought structure, philosophy or religion in these last l6 years. I have often been ill. This has removed the option of a job or fulltime school. My illness has usually served to intensify unrealistically some aspect of my religious life, causing it to get out of balance or become overly dogmatic or dynamic. There is a kind of blessing that appears to be great numbers of moving particles or pieces of Light (moving from a general OR specific source) that could be angels. Could the "angels" which appear to move or flutter as they stream from their source be "bearers of Grace" ? But perhaps it is not angels, but a peculiar type of radiation of Light and Grace of the Holy Spirit. I don't know. Other times in St. Michael's R.C. Cathedral here in Toronto, I see what appears to be myriads of angels streaming out from the vicinity of Jesus in the monstrance. Occasionally, I have seen angels "rising and descending" over people I have been with (J.K.) and and in the vicinity of Jesus in the monstrance. They stream out or up, and go to the back of the church, filling the air with their bright columns; and then they return from the back of the church past my head, or they return simultaneously from the roof. I have usually had an acute sense of sinfulness. (It goes away sometimes after confession). But I usually don't have a sense of being accepted by the Lord. Even at the time of the Lord's gifts to me, I am usually in a state of tension between 169 God, the goal, the sinless One, and me - sinful, striving toward Him. I used to have a deep peace for one or two years, just being in the Presence of God and being totally relaxed, filled with God's Presence. This was in the first few years of the Jesus Prayer. [It returns from time to time to this day]. Fairly often, I have a fear of the devil that causes me to have a radical distrust of reality and indeed all my environment, my imagination and my senses. He can dominate all of these. This is a "total" experience, crippling and driving out the sense of the Presence of the Lord, the Holy Spirit. It is most likely that the devil, the invisible enemy - "Mr. D." is nowhere nearby or at least is only summoned up by my morbid thoughts and fears of him. How often does the devil actually make himself known? I think I tempt myself; he doesn't tempt me. I think I needlessly cause myself misery, fear and suffering because of a phobia or obsession. But he tries to kill me by making me kill myself!!! Peter did not switch his allegiance from God to man. He denied Jesus, but remained His friend and did not abandon him totally. He remained nearby. He did not go to the side of the Pharisees and chief priests. He remained basically faithful to Jesus interiorly. He was faithful to God. He was motivated by fear - not envy, avarice or hatred, as was Judas. The reason that Judas is probably damned is because he switched his allegiance from Jesus to the Pharisees; this means from God to man by betraying his God-Friend Jesus for some money. He thus put his allegiance with the devil's men, and opted for the prince of the world. It is likely he died in this condition, although his suicide suggests great remorse perhaps, as well as being definitely in despair. All this adds up to almost surely, mortal sin. November l, l989 (approximately) FIRST POINT--The Light - is it really of God? Please Father Petro: " We 170 must plumb the depths of this question. Don't you think it is important? I have staked my whole world view on its authenticity. Woe am I among all men, if I am wrong. But then Petro, what if you think that the Light is not real? What if you are wrong? What is going to become of me, if you are wrong Petro? How am I to judge the truth unless it be demonstrated to me unequivocally, without even the smallest doubt that I am right or wrong from the Mouth or Hand of God. You are an expert, I must give you a thorough and complete hearing. But Teresa of Avila had more spiritual directors than fingers who said she was mad or possessed. It is very difficult. I must have convincing truth, one way or the other". 2'nd POINT psychologist words from movements words from music words from noise words from vibration words as an inference words as an interpretation Proofs Do these words take place in the head, and are they projected out onto the object or noise? I think they pass through my "aura", which contains the Spirit of Jesus Christ and which interprets music and sound that enters my head. It is obvious to me from time to time, that there is objective truth in the idea that the movements of walking people, contain and project the ideas they are thinking - their spiritual essence is manifest, as are the words of the Holy Spirit. To me the process is part of the mystery that is associated with anything to do with the Spirit of God, or the Son of God, or God the Father. There is no doubt that when I see the Holy Spirit move in church and give somebody "a big touch," the person responds directly and immediately, usually in an uncomprehending fashion, but they definitely respond when they didn't before. They feel it - I feel it and I see it. I send the Holy Spirit into the eyes of people to convert and save them, and they 171 almost always blink immediately. When they very seldom don't, it is because the Holy Spirit is not playing ball for His own good reasons. The Holy Spirit dialogues with us in our spirit. He is indwelling us in union with our souls, if we are in a state of Grace; and He speaks to us through all our senses; and He talks to us, sometimes audibly, and communicates God's will, subconsciously or sensibly to our SOULS, hearts and minds. [Father Petro, when asked by me if the Light I was seeing was the Divine Light, said that he could not say absolutely or l00% for sure whether this Light was or wasn't the Divine Light. Because unless he was me, he said he couldn't assess the validity of such claims because he didn't have first-hand experience of the sense data. Similarly, he said he couldn't be sure of all the other mystics in history. So Fr. Petro is hedging his bets. There are a variety of reasons for this, not all of which I am privy to. However, suffice it to say that a variety of mystics have experiences similar to mine. For example, there is St. Symeon the New Theologian, St. Gregory of Nyssa and St. Dionysius the Areopagite - (in part). Father Petro is being very cautious, I suspect, and well he might be. These are uncharted waters, at best, and very subjective. But he was overjoyed and very happy when I told him I had a publisher. By the way, Father Petro and I never did come up with and apply a foolproof test to, once and for all, establish undisputedly the authenticity of these phenomena, probably because one does not exist to my knowledge.. This book speaks for itself. Also Father Petro never once said that he thought I was wrong, lying or deluded, rather he just listened carefully and added helpful comments. Q.E.D]. The Divine Light lights up the atoms of the air. We do not actually see the Divine Light itself. "It" is invisible Spirit. God also works inside us. He is the inspiration for any good act externally, He works through the act providing the motive power, and He creates the connective thinking necessary for the act to be or not to be carried out to its conclusion. Thus, co-incidences are God's little miracles. The West has won against communism because the West is more Christian 172 than the Russians. I feel our "system" has more Christian values than Communism did! Facile? Yes. Wrong??? No!!! Not at all. Do you really think that God does not protect HIS people and is not a righteous God?? I want you to grant me eternal forgiveness to the best of your ability, Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit For everything; from the "Great White Throne". I have a born fault. My usual response to something is: "what right does this potter, have to tell the clay what to do ?" It is my typical response to unpleasant developments in my life. Then I asked the Lord what it was that caused me to always hold back, to never give myself wholeheartedly. The answer was that I was disappointed in love: first by a member of my family and then by my girlfriend, so I didn't trust people. The truth is that I was afraid to commit myself, because I had been so hurt in childhood--this is probably partly to do with my illness. [I was very sensitive and tender]. In adolescence and early adulthood, I tended to over-commit too quickly and too completely with women. I became blindly infatuated or in love with them, throwing caution to the winds and stopping at nothing to win them. Like many people, I took some time to forgive my parents for their mistakes in rearing me, and for their very standard human weaknesses. Then I could get on with the business of living. Typical adolescent foolishness!!! It is one thing not to trust another human being; that is the human condition. But it is another thing not to trust yourself, to have the sneaking feeling that what one is thinking is wrong, invalid, deluded and crazy; and yet, this is what we post-psychiatric patients are taught, that we are: namely, deluded, crazy, insane!!! "Foundations once destroyed, what can the just man do?" There is the most earnest search for the truth here. One experiences, checks it against the common pool of reality and then one is faced with the problem of using intelligently all the data he collects. Now, he may come to conclusions or theorize, 173 if he is very brash. But so often he is told that he is crazy. What is one to do ? The humiliation is, or can be, very, very great. The effect on the self-confidence is also devastating. One is always wrong. And yet, I have an I.Q. of l48, and I can cope to some extent with graduate level university work on a small scale. But there is no chance to build a secure house, because the foundations are undermined and unsure. In addition, one never knows when, with what security there is, a structure in the mind, will be totally annihilated by the onset of acute psychosis or real craziness. The prognosis is not good, I think. There is just more of the same, with acute episodes from time to time. One has no credibility with one's friends and colleagues, unless they are also sick. People think you are crazy, weird, insane, loony, etc. If people don't want to know me then it is their loss and as a direct result why would I possibly want to know them if they don't want to know me. I broadcast the fact of my illness freely. I am not afraid of the opinions of men (or of women for that matter.) There is nothing wrong with me. I am ill but so is just about everybody. And yet I choose to be known as suffering from this illness, because I know I can change people's stereotyped ideas about the mentally ill - I am not stupid and I have some insight. I can hope to achieve another 7 years without a hospitalization, making l4 years. But what is my purpose in life? I am marginalized. I can't work full-time. What does God want me to do? [To be called crazy, insane, etc. comes from people who in the sureness and comfort of their "sanity", express disdain, and an attitude of malicious superiority over those weaker and oh, so much more vulnerable than themselves.] I think God wants me to save the poor, pray, and write this book. ( The poor usually accept me). I see that regardless of my mental status, I can love people [and pray for them]. My intellect gets in the way here, and creates doubts, fears and blocks that put me in my head and out-of-communion with the group I choose to be with. I have made a fundamental commitment to worship and adore, through prayer and Holy Mass (2 days of 3), the Lord Jesus, in the most Holy Trinity, with His Father and mine and Their co-eternal Spirit. This is my real apostolate - to 174 pray. But I am so poor and so poverty stricken, that I don't make much time or force myself to give the time to God. So here I am trying to re-direct myself to the worship of God, after much backsliding. I am lazy and have comfort: I am a procrastinator: My strength is low: My will is perverse. That is the problem. My will refuses to do what I know is best. Perhaps, God will help me. "I do the thing that I would not do, and I do not do the thing that I would do." My problem is how to become single-hearted. I want to devote my life to God as a continual contemplation. I want to do it living where I am now, and excluding everything that does not bring me closer to God. I am afraid that I cannot handle too much solitude. I might get a great anguish - a great pain in my heart. I can't bear that feeling. I must have Mass. I must work a bit. I must do what contemplatives do. What do they do? Do they pray all day? I must do that. [I already do that occasionally] I must not be frivolous, but I must give to the poor -things - many times - care - love. I don't know if contemplation (God) has taken me on or off. I perhaps have taken on too much in contemplation (God). If I have taken on contemplation, then perhaps I am trying to make myself into something which I am not. It all started with the recitation of the Jesus Prayer, then this awareness of the Presence of God, then remorse, contrition and promises. Then, I surrendered gradually to God, mentally in every way I could and physically. Then, God as Jesus began to reveal Himself as a blinding Light and great power. This came more or less frequently during prayer periods lasting several hours at a time. There was the Indwelling of the Spirit, a becoming like Christ, but never much relationship with the Father on my part. But the Father was there. I think I just called Him, "Jesus." I was almost totally Christo-centric. 175 The devil plagued me a lot at first. I probed back into several spiritual manifestations to try to find their origins. I was often able, I thought, to trick the evil spirit into revealing himself. I don't know what to make of it now. I think I often called the Holy Spirit "bad names" by doing this. I think it was the Procession of the Holy Spirit that I was seeing almost all the time. For the past 4 months, I have been basically out of sync with God, except for a few moments. I struggled greatly for 2 months or so to remain faithful to the fading memory of Glory that cannot be imagined. Is this gone for good? Should I give up? What should I do? I don't pray much. Obstacles easily thwart me in prayer. I am lukewarm. God has been here more in the past two weeks, but He doesn't excite me as He did when I was on the pinnacle of prayer. I just want to be comfortable and have God love me. I used to be little.. I don't want great, dramatic surges of power. November 30, l989 I prayed that I might have a relationship as a fourth person in the economy of the Most Holy Trinity - there was a great disturbance in the air over my chest (heart). [By the way, Father Petro says such a relationship is impossible]. I prayed to have the closest relationship to the Most Holy Trinity of anyone who was not Divine, or was not Mary--there was some activity. I prayed to have a relationship only with the Trinity, in Heaven, not with people. Finally I prayed to have an extrarelationship above the others - a secret relationship. God was very active throughout all these requests, but I don't know what He was trying to tell me, if anything. The last prayer was cut short by an assault of the devil, as soon as the petition left my lips. I don't know if any of these hopeful wishes were granted. I doubt it. [Through ignorance, I certainly was presumptuous] I am getting back to seeing the devil again. Too much I think. I don't like 176 the indecision about whether a manifestation is of God or not, but I do feel we should be able to trust most manifestations. When I began in prayer, I thought it was all from the devil. Then I began to trust God. Now, I am growing distrustful again, so I automatically suspect that it is a lot more from the devil. Is it really possible to discover the origins of occurrences? "Father Petro, what are the most perfect and most efficacious prayers for the conversion, sanctification, holiness, sainthood, health and welfare of any individual or group of individuals? God said you have this. Can I have a copy? [Father Petro said: "The Divine Liturgy"]. My experience of the devil is that he can imitate God. [But Father Petro says: "not for long"]. In addition, I say that he always betrays or reveals himself. A house divided against itself cannot stand. Certainly, the Lord, the Holy Spirit says the devil is present at times, and at times, he uses precisely the same manifestations as God. Sometimes I CANNOT TELL WHO IS GOD for a short period of time, or tell if I have seen the Light of Jesus, God, or the Holy Spirit, or if my prayer life is authentic at all. But there is always at this time the unpleasantness, the lies, the pressure in the head. What can you say to help me ? I used to search for peak experiences: drugs, dancing, drinking, sex - all for the sensation of the experience. Then I discarded all of them and looked for communion with God. This is an immersion in a gentle Presence, in swaddling layers of Spirit. Now I look for a different kind of peak experience, that of God's Light and Energy. I go to incredible lengths to strive for these experiences and to spend time, enormous amounts of psychic energy, drive, consciousness, even money and intellect, all with the aim of experiencing God. This is active work. "I rejoice when I enter the House of the Lord". But do I have to, must I, always strive to be with the Lord? Will He be with me if I just exist and deal with reality? It is very hard work going for these God experiences. There is EGO that makes me say to others and myself: "I see God. I am a visionary. I am blessed." 177 To be sure I am blessed, but I can't go on a power trip and use it against other people. Where is the humility? To be sure my arrogance is due, in part, to the fact that I was put down so much by people making jokes about my experiences, even a close friend. Now I am saying: "I told you so". Still, there is nothing to be proud of. All this attitude of pride is usually interior. I have supplicated myself, made sacrifices, prayed, read, studied, written, talked, worshipped and venerated, so I think I have earned my lowly (blessed) place in God's scheme of things. I claim it. It is granted by God and I won't let go of it. In the world's eyes I am nothing, unknown, often despised, rejected, spat upon, ignored by many, indeed almost all. Meanwhile I am praying, receiving more and more of the Lord's favour and growing in Heavenly, spiritual wealth. I feel the beatitudes are still in effect and, as one of the highest laws of God, I really almost expect the last to be first. But this too is pride - spiritual pride. So I go on saying: "have mercy on me a sinner" to Our Lord Jesus, experiences or no experiences. And I go to confession once a week with no shortage of facts, often a bewildering array of sins, any of which seems enough to endanger my eternity in Heaven. "Vanity, vanity, - all is vanity". I expect to have a good place in Heaven, because I know God loves me and I have tried hard (flawedly) to please him; BUT I may be deluding myself. Does one have a right to expect anything from Jesus, God or the Holy Spirit???? In the next life???? I know one can say: "I just don't know what to expect". But God appears to make promises even in this life - biblically and personally - personally by speaking to me through the Divine Light. Is it possible that I am conceited??? It is secure to be self-confident. Is my quiet or sloth a result of the Holy Spirit? Is my prayer fervent enough to keep going or will I fall away? Is it a necessity for great happenings and blessings? Is it a time of harvest? What about 178 the planting? No more writers to read, (it's getting that way). I've got my volumes of the Summa Theologica - I was told to read it. I suffer from spiritual gluttony. I desire, very inordinately, the consolations of God. My father died last week on November 21, 1989. He had a very difficult life. I have prayed a lot for him and have been visiting regularly. He had a very, beautiful death with his hand in my mother's hand, and passed away quite consciously with no pain. [ I am sure he was taken by a Godly spirit or Jesus. It was obvious from the nature of his death. ] I am in a cotton batten world of the Holy Spirit who comforts me. I cried a fair bit, especially while he was dying. My friends have been wonderful, especially J.B. The Holy Spirit was very powerful in his room before he died. Notes for January ll, l990 The real date of the notes is not available. These notes include ones that are up to a month or two old, when they were presented. I have, at times, had visions, locutions, etc. from people who have died. I always try to discern their authenticity and identity. Then, I try to find out what they have to say, whether they are in purgatory, or if they are saints in Heaven (eg. St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Francis) or why they are with me. Sometimes I succeed to varying degrees; other times it is unclear or confused. St. Francis feels very humble. But I am so filled with the Glory of God, and the enthralment of my pursuit of Glory (padding my life in the next); and I am so flushed with success, that I very rarely get very depressed these days, and then only because God won't do what I ask or goes away. I am on a high, spiritual roll (high rollers), or occasionally for a while, I am on an even keel. I am not manic; I am responsible. 179 [Two months later, I broke my ankle badly; I was 4 times in hospital and was much more often depressed.] Today, I prayed a complex form of prayer for blessings for the coming year. I asked for 3 cardinal gifts, 9 ordinal gifts, 27 virtues and 8l experiences of the three Persons of the Trinity. These are obviously arbitrary numbers. [I thought I was granted the "kiss of His mouth", but it is more likely I was being told to bite my tongue.] I was obviously completely wrong in my assessment of this session. The problem is that usually I am just looking for the Presence of this Light and Energy of God, and I can't tell or don't know what God is saying. [ But a broken leg is a blessing, according to the beatitudes.] Everything is Grace. Later (3 minutes) while still in the Presence of the Spirit, I walked to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and the words came to me ineffably: "you shall go to the seventh Heaven." It reverberated through my whole body. I felt that it might be true, because I was strongly in the Spirit, [but now I'm not so sure]. Is there a 7th Heaven? Was it God? After a few minutes of praying (some prayers), the evil one began to close in, the Light faded. It was suggested that I jump off my balcony (NEVER!!!). Then my body and my stomach, in particular, began to tremble. After I exorcised the beast from my stomach, I felt a sharp pain stick in my stomach. Then, there was a sharp pain in my shoulder. Murder and intimidation!!! How can you tell if the Light that streams down on me, you, one, is the Light of Jesus, or of the Father, or of the Holy Spirit or of an angel? Sometimes, it selfidentifies itself as one of the preceding, but often it is unclear. Asking it is obvious, but if it doesn't answer or if it is devious or false and one doesn't know, then one can be unsure of who one is dealing with. I am stupid, crass, ignorant, uneducated, sensual, suicidal, lazy, and pompous; and I am an ass, a glutton, a pervert and a murderer. Similarly, I am 180 intelligent, good looking, kind, gentle, generous, well-read, humorous, witty, wonderful, acceptable, strong, loving, O.K., good, holy, loyal, trustworthy, friendly, pure, wise and determined - positive factors. The first lot is closer to the way I usually look at myself. But in neither case do I look at myself as nothing. I know that to respectable people I am as a grain of sand on the beach. I am nothing. Is that what it means to be nothing, to be a grain of sand on the beach? I can see that I am just a face in the crowd. However, I like the sense of anonymity..... I have been abandoned by God (Dec. 26 to Jan 4). This has most recently been brought home to me, in fact and in reality, by the physical body of Jesus united to me in my soul; it is a fact that I cry out: "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me!?" I was in union with Jesus, and His desolation became mine in the crucifixion inside my self. The agony was unbearable! This realization lasted less than a minute, including sensing and hearing the words of Jesus as He cried within me. Now Jesus, (God and the Holy Spirit) deny me Graces, for which reason I am a little bit angry. Have I had a fall and lost my place in Heaven? Are all the Graces gone for good? I can't connect with God. He appears to be only weak or sporadic. He doesn't answer me. Monday January l, l991 For six or seven days now, God has cut down his visitations to about l0% of his former visitations. He does not choose me always from among others at the Cathedral, as He used to. His Light does not shine on me very much anymore, [at least, I can't see it]. He does not support me, but gives me trials, fiery roads with hellfire on my face, crosses, feelings of despair, and a trip to the hospital for counselling. He lets me pray until I am driven to distraction - then just appears as Light for a second and then disappears, having inflamed my hopes enormously under great pressure and then dashes them to the ground. This would happen up to 6 times in a row in a short period of time.. He would not co-operate. I could not pray. I got very angry at God. I was very vexed. I blamed God for leaving me - I was irritable and inconsolable. I lost all patience. Father Augustine Baker 181 describes this sort of thing in Holy Wisdom, about the Great Desolation (in contemplation) in almost the same way that I recognize my state here. I have great images of vanities (according to Father Baker). I act as though people were of little value. . I'm wrong. They are of inestimable value. I will try to cherish people more. Children I cherish, but what about the beggars, the alcoholic, the dirty, the dishonest, the murderers. They are precious. The only reason I would not embrace them is because they don't suit my selfish purposes, might not be good friends etc. This is no good!!! [Suffice it to say, that this is the way I was feeling at this time, but that it was a passing mood, not my normal state of mind. However, it WAS a sin and is a symptom of the disorder present in me and in creation, as a result of the fallen nature of mankind.] Should we love each Person of the Trinity equally or should we be centred on Christ - Christocentric? How is it possible except through experience to love the Lord, the Holy Spirit as much as we love our Saviour - practically, not theoretically ? I hope I haven't sinned, forgive me priest - friend on Earth and Father in Heaven and especially, the Lord, the Holy Spirit.. The Divine Light appears usually to move slower than ordinary light; He usually progresses rather than flashes. He is mostly organic in the way He moves. He very often shines or glows like the moonlight. Also, He can appear in several places at the same time. Should I expect bad things from the Lord? All the books talk of desolation. Is the Lord good to His servants? I will pay the cost, but I fear it is very great. [My father had died November 2l, l989 - last year, and little did I know, but I would break my ankle March l9, l990, and have 4 separate hospitalizations in the next 4 months as a result. I had good reason to be uneasy.] I have known such unbelievable suffering in my life. [I am sure that I have been the author of my own misfortune and suffering often -- R.D.] 182 Do I have to pray when the devil is apparently in control? I think that I have to stick by my prayer life because it shows loyalty to Jesus, but sometimes I get overcome by evil. Can I take a few hours off when the devil is in his ascendancy? l- I am tormented by the thought that maybe it is me doing the whole thing in prayer, the Lights, the effulgences of Energy like water. [They had almost disappeared] 2- Also that maybe my prayer has no effect, as it often appears to have no effect. 3- That it is all controlled by the evil one. 4- That what I pray for is being acknowledged by the Deity by Light and effulgences of Energy, but that this may not mean the receipt of the desired gift, or blessing; but it maybe just an acknowledgement, or MAYBE the Holy Spirit revelling in the devotion and attention given Him by the pray - er. The usual term for this revelling and revealing is, I believe, the procession of the Holy Spirit. [When I asked Fr. Petro why God would break my ankle, he said: "what did He do to His Son?" I said: "He offered Him up for crucifixion." Then Fr. Petro said: "what was the result of the sacrifice?" I said: "God was glorified and mankind was saved". "And so will you be", said Fr. Petro, "In union with the sufferings of Christ."] Thursday February l, l990 I prayed today, a long involved prayer making my health a sacrifice to the Lord, in His way, in His time (understood), for the Lord's purposes (in His will), and for the salvation of souls. [46 days later, I broke my ankle. Praise the Lord, Alleluia]. The Lord told me I was a soul winner, and I rejoiced, because I hoped to be included with the soul winners in Heaven. 183 If someone else is a sinner and I am a sinner, then what is there to choose between us? So I can't be so self-righteous. When I see a square or partial border of Light around, or to one end of a square picture (for instance), is this Light called anything? [Yes, it is the Light of God, or more likely, of His Son, Jesus.] Is it an illumination? Is it from God? I see Light around peoples heads sometimes. Sometimes it is self-identified as having the word satan in its integrity (or lack thereof) - as if a filter were placed over a source of Light. Other times, it is clear and follows PRAYER or the EUCHARIST. [Jesus is telling me thatv Satan is present through the Divine Light]. When the Divinity of Christ is in the mind, (brain), or intellect, then the forehead and top of the head glow with a clear white Light. This indicates a good communion. How can one tell if the Light is from the Father, the Son, or the Lord, the Holy Spirit? [Answer - the Deity has to tell you]. This is very important. I find that saying the Our Father tends to cut me off, to lead to a dead end, whereas the Jesus Prayer leads to an opening, a flowing of the Holy Spirit sensorily and especially visually. (Now in January l99l, I find that the Father, the Almighty God, is sometimes more dominant than the Co-Eternal Son, but I have never seen the Father.) I saw the Holy Spirit, raining down like moisture from clouds up in the sky. I wonder if this is the method of watering that St. Teresa describes as being a reasonably good, if not VERY advanced way, of watering the soul with Graces? I wonder if I have it? [Yes I have it, very powerfully--but for how long?] Can one move from the Jesus prayer to a western model of contemplation, or are they mutually exclusive? I find myself complacently thinking that I have been divinized, and not very worried that God is not often present or responsive. I think I have gone as far as 184 I can, as I am finding it hard to give myself to God, simply because there is nothing left to give. Perhaps, God has done all He wants with me. Maybe I should be praying more for others, for temporal needs. I have petitioned God myself, until I am blue in the face, for a better or the best possible place in Heaven for myself and some for others. I want God so much. The darkness after Christmas was like a death. I have not suffered that much for a long, long time. And the direct conscious fact was that the reason for this suffering was the absence of God (Jesus). There is often, (usually), a pillar of "fire" in my apartment at night when I pray. (It's made of white Light - Glory). It is the Presence of the Spirits of God, the Trinity. God is so cruel and heartless. He always wants me to do things His way: what to do, at what time, at what place, in His way and for His reasons. I am terrified of displeasing Him. He could hurt me very much and I have suffered a lot already. He has the power of life and death. But His displeasure: "lasts but a moment, His favour throughout life." When I first became aware of someone communicating with me from the beyond, I was 32 years old (in l976) and I was told it was the "ANCIENT ONE," as He repeatedly called Himself. I got these "messages" while walking, with words coming very forcefully into my mind, in synchronization with each step. This was at the time I was forming my relationship with the Roman Catholic Church, receiving instruction to become a Catholic. By the way, the personality and information of the "Ancient One" were entirely different from my own - I was very afraid, because I didn't know if it was God or the devil that gave me these messages. In retrospect, I am absolutely sure now, that they were from God. One reason I am sure they were from God is because I was so afraid that they were 185 from satan, that I was driven into the waiting arms of the Catholic Church. There was no lie, just mystery and fear as I remember it. [Partially fear of the Lord as I remember it.][ The Ancient One was definitely friendly.] Yesterday, I prayed to be as great a pneumatophore as the Virgin Mary. Immediately, a great weight pressed down on my mind, a great pressure and my vision became indistinct. I knew I had asked for too much; I had become too presumptuous. I repented, but the negativity went on. Then, ineffably came a response: "You shall pray to be like the Fathers of the Church". I immediately did so, but the darkness went on until halfway through Mass today (Sunday, January 27). Still, I am not experiencing God to the fullest. I don't know if prayers uttered in spiritual darkness are answered or not. Usually, I feel when God has responded to my prayer with Light or Energy, that I have had a favourable reaction from God; He has somehow blessed my prayer, and perhaps answered it as I hoped He would. Tonight, and for the last few days at Mass, I prayed a series of prayers to be divinized in the six areas of my being that I usually differentiate. I prayed for Jesus, (God and the Holy Spirit) to be united eternally in Their, (or His), Divinity with my mind. Then I did the same to my heart, my soul, my body, the unity of my spirit and the Spirit of God, and my head. (Because in the head is almost all the sensory awareness: the sight, smell, taste, hearing, and some of the touch that can be divinized; to sense the Light of God, the sound of the Spirit, seeking the taste of the sweetness of the Lord, the smell of Heavenly fragrances, and the touch of the Spirit on the skin). The body takes on a divinized feel from inside; the heart becomes pure, especially when you also ask for purity of heart; the soul I hope puts on the soul of Jesus. The human spirit or soul becomes a pneumatophore, or Spirit bearer of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Jesus, or God the Father, as does the body and heart, senses and mind. This is what it is. It is putting on the new man. Man becoming "god" (small g), not God (big G). 186 One becomes eternally united with Jesus, if you ask Him for it. But sin can wear it thin and it can be broken by mortal sin in the temporal realm. I have been very audacious, and asked for the Spirits of God and Jesus to be united to my spirit at my spirit's root, source or base. I would like to be a channel of God's Spirit and to have rivers of Living Water flowing from my soul or spirit and body. That would make me a pneumatophore or Spirit bearer in my body and in the environment around me. It is one thing to have the Holy Spirit responsive to us, but it is another thing to have the Holy Spirit present inside us, as we do especially during and after Holy Communion. This Spirit contains the Divinity of the Holy Spirit, Himself, the Divinity of the Father, and Jesus Christ, the pneumatophore par excellence. The Three Persons cannot be separated. If one were united to the Essence of the Divinity of the Trinity instead of their Light and Energy, one would either be annihilated or become big G, God, which is impossible. In the earliest stages of the practice of the Jesus prayer, I experienced tears on several, nay many, occasions when I was aware of my sin or the suffering I was going through due to sin, for some other reason or the sin, suffering, or sin - based suffering of someone else. Even now, I somewhat blessed, sometimes completely break down because of the unhappiness that is in my soul, which is very deep and apparently has no remedy. This is not to say that I am not joyful in my personality. I have had tears of joy from time to time as well. I feel usually very confident and self-assured, (assured by myself that God loves me, and that I am in a state of Grace). But it is as though there is a well of sadness at the sickness, suffering, sin and death of this life, ("in this vale of tears," as the Hail Holy Queen goes), that I fall into from time to time, so that I just cry my eyes out. [My father died 2 months earlier]. "Laziness is born of lustful desire" (origin unknown). I am very slothful and very lustful, but there are times when I am generally free from any pressing form of sexual awareness; perhaps I am free for as long as 3 or 4 weeks to 6 weeks at 187 the very longest. [not very often!! R.D.] [Now in July 1992, I think the problem has gone for good -- Alleluia, Praise You, Most Holy Trinity!!!] (All I do is the following: I look into space, pray my prayer and wait for the procession of the Holy Spirit. Often, I look at an object and I focus on it, but I am not cognizant of its details, shape, or colour, etc. I don't make an idol out of anything by taking an interest in it while I am praying. By both these methods, I reduce the effect and influence of distractions. However, when the Holy Spirit proceeds visibly in my field of vision, I have a great struggle not to focus on it. To concentrate or to focus my vision on the Lord, the Holy Spirit is to cause my vision to contract and the action of the Holy Spirit fades away, or out. To maintain a diffuse gaze at the air or an object, in a general way, allows the Holy Spirit to expand, grow, or act in freedom. He is very elusive and shy, but very powerful and He always gets the job done.. Sometimes, I see a vision of columns of an army of identical soldiers, marching along, goose - stepping usually in the glare of a garish red light. Other times, I see hundreds of can - can girls kicking up their legs in unison. I wonder if it is a comment on our times? [It is a hypnagogic hallucination in each case nodoubt. These hallucinations generally occur during times of diffuse mental concentration, such as when one is drifting off to sleep. Even a sane person can hear "voices" at times like this. It has always been my contention that hallucinations are caused, in general, by the evil one, excluding organic causes, having great power over the imagination]. The Holy Spirit reveals the mind of the Son, Jesus to me, when I see the Procession of the Holy Spirit. He will warn me of the presence of the evil one by saying the word: "satan", ineffably. For years I thought it was satan speaking; so I gave him far-reaching powers that greatly overstepped his capabilities; when, in fact, what I was seeing was the action or Procession of the Holy Spirit, in just one of His common modes. The Divine Light and the evil one can be in close 188 proximity at the same time; the Divine Light is the Energies of God, not His Essence. We cannot live in the Presence of the Essence of the Father, although His Spirit is everywhere. God cannot contact evil, but He can control it. He is utterly pure. According to my book on St. Gregory Palamas, I have been divinized. Is that a very rare state? Thursday March 8, l990 I surrendered my mind, the attitudes, pre-conceived thought formations, thought formation, memory, will, feelings, (not my emotions), at the request of the Light and the will of my God for my life. I surrendured them over to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit with the prayer: "Be it done unto me according to your will", then to Mary. I did a very similar thing with my heart, turning it over to the Lord for His purposes, for His goals and for my life. In both cases, there was a significant effusion of Light moving into my body and head, at the appropriate place and at the time of each prayer. I prayed tonight for the opening of Heaven to all who had died in the past 24 hours. God has been notably silent today. On this occasion, He signalled His approval of the prayer by a radiance on the wall, especially around some holy pictures; but He didn't say that I had my petition fulfilled. Then the evil one appeared, and I felt I was being told I had asked for too much. Is the vision of God possible, if one is in mortal sin? Can one "see" God if one is in mortal sin? (God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit). What should I do when I get a moving picture in my mind of violence, high speed action, sexuality, bizarre creatures, obscene pictures, etc ? They all move through my mind trying to make me advert to their contents or titillate me. I can't 189 sleep and I must have my sleep. They are sometimes realistically biological, organic, cartoon-like, mechanistic or fantastic. I get quite upset at these tricks of the devil. What should I do? It happens every second week these days - a day every 10-15 days or so. It happens for 4 to 5 minutes or so, as I go off to sleep. These are known as hypnagogic hallucinations by psychologists and are quite common. But I still think they are caused by the devil. Otherwise, why are they so evil, sinful and tempting? Must one constantly struggle with their weaknesses, work and slave, overcome obstacles, achieve, extend oneself beyond limits, deprive oneself, go against nature, apply surgery to the root, simply and radically live a life based on charity of action rather than contemplative activity and a more passive life. Is it a sin to: 1 - be happy and: 2 - to enjoy oneself? Does one have to have GREAT works of charity or is a saint one who seeks perfection in his, or her, daily life? Can one go through a normal day with the same old people and be a saint? Perfection for extended periods of time in thought, word and deed is impossible. "The just man sins seven times a day". But at the same time, I know that, relativly speaking, I am sometimes not a kind person. I like comfort - a sin by ancient standards - I like food - another sin, if I indulge it. My virtue lies primarily in my prayer life and my love of making others happy, although I am often a stern moralist - I am lazy. I dislike work. More is the pity because I don't have to work full-time. [Indeed, I couldn't work full-time--I have a fairly serious disability--I have a disability pension, but not with God!!!]. I fill my spare time with Mass, prayer, my little job, my one or two courses at the university, reading, having visitors for coffee or supper, listening to music, doing chores, cleaning up, writing letters, talking on the telephone, reading the paper, watching T.V., and sleeping. If only I could get back to my routine of praying 7 hours SOLID every day, I gladly would. I want to, but I can't do it. I used to pray even up to 14 or 16 hours \ day I can't face going to church anymore. I haven't been for 3 or 4 days. I will go tomorrow or Sunday. I don't have any Graces to ask Jesus for. I have so often 190 asked Him for His union with myself. He has answered, but I don't think there is much in me that isn't in union within. [But I was unhappy]. Anyway, I don't have the words to access the change brought about by further union. I don't think there is any further union. But I am desperately afraid that I may fall away (eg. 2-3 days away from church). I think I have gone as far as I can, because there is no territory in me that I have not given to God [there were, and still are, unclaimed areas of my life - and there are certainly areas of sinfulness, that have not been sanctified]. I feel old, tired and cynical, or bitter and disgusted. I have become aware that I am acting independently of the Lord saying: "I will accept this, and not accept that". That I can look upon the Lord, (seldom now), and say:"I will not gaze on the Lord. I need you or I don't need you". This self-sufficiency is the problem. I guess it is pride. I don't know. But no, there is more. I look at my friends and the people I meet and I say: "I will deign to spend time with you, if you act right, (or are important a bit), or if I feel like it." I am responsible to no one. I even tell God I won't obey HIM. My estrangement from God was due in part to doing my essay, because the time it took drastically infringed upon my time with God. I am like a high-strung race horse - a delicate equilibrium. Then, the pride in the essay and resulting disorientation caused me to stray off track. Then God (the Light) came back, but I couldn't bear to look upon Him, because His Glory was too much to bear. I hungered and I thirsted for Him, but I couldn't establish a liaison, a union. Now God and I are not in touch with each other in my conscious mind. I fear Him. I feel like Adam after eating of the forbidden fruit. I am uneasy. I feel guilty, even a bit suicidal [my illness shows itself again] for my misery is great. How can I get back to God? What is wrong? I thought it might be because some of the footnotes in the essay may be wrong. I confess it. I don't know what is wrong. I prayed today to Jesus, to The Father, and to the Lord, the Holy Spirit to have the seeds of being a "first class saint" planted in me along with the seeds of being a complete manifestation in Heaven and on Earth of God's, (Jesus',) 191 complete faculty of His wholeness or completion. There was a positive activity of the Spirit to both. I am at a loss as to what to do with the Trinity. I have asked for so many things and been given so much. I am almost positive. I don't have anything that I haven't given to God, the Most Holy Trinity, as far as I know. (Wrong, there was more to give!). I can't think of anything to ask for, any height or greatness that I haven't asked for. (But I may not have received). Where do I go from here? Is it western to think that I must do great things for my fellow man from now on? I don't want to. I want to stay with the Most Holy Trinity. What could I do? I am so limited. April 29, l990 [ I can't work as I am ill, I can't study full-time - same reason. I can't marry - no one would want to support me. Now my ankle hasn't healed properly and never will, so I have difficulty walking. I can't type. So a socially western style mover of mountains or a worker of miracles is out of the question.] [However, the Orthodox and Eastern rite Catholic Churches have hermits, anchorites, staretzs or spiritual fathers, poustinias and other loosely social, contemplative, roles or modes.] {This was inserted for technical reasons at this time} May 8, l990 I prayed that I might mystically become part of Jesus Blood. Then I prayed that I might be sprinkled on every creature that would ever live in the universe. Wild eh! Immediately there was Light that spoke ineffably and said Saint Rich, Rob, Richard. My code name is Richard. I will explain if you like, Father Petro. Jesus was very effusive, joyful, and enthusiastic. 192 [We know here that Jesus, at least, approved of the prayer. But we perhaps don't have any idea, if He answered it in the affirmative--as it seems.] One must realize that ambitious and unconventional or unusual prayers are just as valid as "I ask to go to Heaven". In fact, God usually reacts more to these prayers than to the usual run-of-the-mill ones, although in order for all prayers to be effective they have to be from within the Will of God, in my never varying experience. Often the Lord, the Holy Spirit DIRECTS US into the Will of God, even while we are unaware He is doing so. But the Will of God is sometimes elusive and can even appear to be bizarre or unexpected, dictated as it usually is, by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. I believe in loving God ABOVE man - ABSOLUTELY. Jesus' first, HIS FIRST mind you, commandment was that you should love the Lord Your God with all your heart, and soul, and mind and strength. So God comes first. I believe that means you should serve Him directly as a Divine Person for more time than you serve your fellow man - I will serve God PRINCIPALLY and man incidentally, like myself. This apparently is satan's cause of damnation. He would not bow to man, only God according to some. Am I wrong? Am I in danger of damnation? I pray extensively for others. [Satan wouldn't accept Jesus' humanity, according to one scenario. This betrays his pride and malice, toward God. Envy, of Jesus' preeminent Divinity, was satan's downfall, not his rejection of Jesus humanity which was an excuse. Certainly I do not put man in wrong relationship to myself by putting God first. I put God first in all situations, and surely this is right reason about right relationship - TRUE RELATIONSHIP May 8, l990 (This was written on March 14th, 1990 and inserted on May 8th, 1990). I prayed the Jesus prayer with unusual effect tonight. There was, almost immediately, wave after wave of the Spirit of God, in one of His three Persons. It was as though there was a curtain of the Spirit, hovering in mid-air. Occasionally, 193 there were waves, regularly - one after another, of liquid Light that crossed the room, and travelled through and past me. It was glistening and sparkling, and although at times dim, it had the consistency of liquid Light syrup. [It was not sticky]. There were also the bursts of Light that I associate with praying the Jesus prayer for a long time, at one sitting. This latter phenomenon is caused by bursts of radiating Light in the vision. It was happening several minutes, after the liquid Light display. At the deepest levels of prayer, sexuality becomes involuntary. Sometimes I can't divorce my sexuality from my deepest love. Your honour, infinitely choicest among men, Pearl of my mind, heart and soul, Part of myself, partner, Jesus Christ, in union with my spirit, Mind, soul, heart, head and body. Delight of my senses, Light above all lights, Sending Your messenger, The Holy Spirit, with the Fullness of Love. Word of life revealing, Your Father - my Father. Your Mother, fairest of the fairest sex, who cannot and does not, compete with you, but is your handmaid, serving You from year to year. And then up in the sky, 194 to the eternal moment. Your brothers and sisters, all who bear Your seal on their souls, and love the life, You demonstrated so perfectly. Breathing rapidly, enervating, as the Holy Spirit bathes them. The beauty and truth, satiating them, and filling them with Love, wonder and reverie. How long have I loved Thee? I remember in the playpen, You protected me from the shadows, throughout my early years. You sent the rivers of Spirit. I saw rolling in and out through the room. And the stronger moments when You broke in on my mind with Your Presence. I talked to You for endless hours as a child. You very seldom stayed away. Then I strayed: I forgot You for long periods of time, but You stayed inside my mind, 195 constantly guiding me, unknown to me, leading me back home to You. I was willful, but You forgave me. I joined Your largest Church. Finally, you gave me Your True Body and Blood, at age 33 (my age). I started to pray over and over, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, Have mercy on me a sinner." Soon the Lights started to come. I was afraid, I feared the enemy. Then I read that You send Light, to Your saints. Only Someone who knows me, as God knows me, could say if I am a true saint. A complete transformation of myself, due to the radiating Light. You told me ineffably, that I am a son of God. That I should try to be like, an early church father type of person, not to try to take Mary's place. Then in church You presented me with two six foot rings like platinum. 196 You put one on me, I didn't see You. The ring got smaller, as it approached my finger. Then I moved the other one onto Your finger, so it decreased in size, as it approached, until it fitted perfectly. I was in union with You in Holy wedlock. Now when I pray to You, I feel Your Father's Spirit. This love business is, has to be, described in sexual terms. No union comes as close, as married love is like eros, As so many mystics have found. I catch my breath at the thought of You. I race to the church, to see You in the monstrance. You are warm, deep, and wise, stronger than the mountains, deeper than the sea. You are all there ever will be for me. December 10, 1990 197 In the period of March 1990 to January 1991, I had only a few meetings with Father P.B.T. (Petro) Bilaniuk and these were verbal not written, so there is no record. My ankle kept me in hospital most of the time until June 1990. I confess I was negligent in keeping up with spiritual direction after this. In January 1991, I resolved to be more regular. I involuntarily asked for and chose hell, while reading an article. God told me by the sound of a car horn, (interpreted by the Spirit), to confess this. So here I am. I am discouraged. I have countless times seen how apparently irrational God is - how weird, unpredictable, unexpected and bizarre. His wisdom is beyond man. Father Petro, I want you to pray for me. I don't think you want to give much advice. "Why don't you speak more in direction ?" Father Petro, I want to be treated as an equal - not intellectually, not in learning - that is impossible - but in spirituality - perhaps this is or will be possible. [Father Petro has been exceptionally kind to me, helping me materially and spiritually. However, to be his equal intellectually is impossible. He has 4 doctorates. Q.E.D. I had been tense and on edge, probably because of the threat of satan.] I prayed to be eternally in union in Heaven, in a constant state of prayer, with the Light I see in my prayer here on earth. I prayed that the dimensions of the prayer would be not less than the entire depth, height and breadth of God's Spirit, and not less than the entire space occupied by, and including, the Body of Christ. "This is a new prayer for you", the Spirit said, followed by great effulgences of Light. I prayed an Our Father and a Te Deum to do it right away - to make sure again, - there was even greater Light. I asked Jesus to come and get me. Immediately, I inhaled strongly and inordinately, because of the Presence of the Holy Spirit, (the spiritual breath of 198 God). "I'm coming", He said simply. [God told me in a way I can't describe for reasons of modesty, that I would never again be in a sexual relationship, because I was married to Him; and I think He also was referring to my 17 (16?) years of chastity. Now I am celibate, not chaste.] I realized that I was afraid of breaking my leg again. Father Petro suggested that it was broken by a demon distracting me. [I feel in retrospect that I was high, because of the success of my essay on St. Symeon the New Theologian]. I was, at the time, following my greatest achievements in prayer, (or so I thought). I was afraid to try again for fear my leg would really break, (it is very unstable), or some other calamity would befall me. But I screwed up my courage and said I would rise up to the heights again. Immediately, there was a powerful light on me, sinking deep in my face. It was nearly invisible, (the room was very bright, but I could see the Light, and I certainly could feel it radiating on and into my face). In truth, I may say that I have repeatedly questioned some of the things that have been revealed to me, and they sometimes although very seldom, inevitably lead back through a series of steps to a complete malevolence, and the interior vision of the presence of the evil one. These experiences initially begun, were tentative and not assertive, or overwhelming, or often not at all. Am I a lost sheep, alone in a wilderness, filled with wild and evil creatures? Where is God? I am lost. My experiences are today as from the devil: hurtful, painful, clever, sly, nasty, relentless, powerful, super-intelligent, knowing me better than I know myself, playing with me and manipulating me; it forces me against my will and against impossible odds to see the fantastic, awful and unbelievable truth. This super - human, malevolent, overpowering thing, or creature has me in his power, [For now, that is!!!], to do with me as he chooses. I have no power, prayer 199 is useless. He crushes me. Will he take me to hell when I die ? [No chance!!!] God will make that decision. The decision is not mine, but neither is it the devil's. If I live a good life, Jesus will come and get me when I die. God will redeem my soul and body. God allows the devil to do this. God has a reason. [It is easy to discard the promises of God when God is apparently not there to rely upon. Oh me of little faith !!!] I prayed, looking at a picture of Jesus, to be like Jesus, when I am in Heaven. There was a significant amount of Light. Immediately afterwards, I prayed to be identical to Jesus in Heaven, ("We shall be like Him for we shall see Him as He is."--St. Paul). There was bright Light around the right side of the picture and He said so tenderly and ineffably, "saint"; He also said, "saint" to a lesser degree, when I thought of my family. I have prayed for them to become saints. Progress is slow! Once while I was contemplating, the room was filled with Light, like frosting in the air and on everything; when at the utterance of the right word, the most efficacious word by me, all the Light contracted and collapsed into my head and my mind. This happened on another occasion also. To say that God is a "living" God, means that He is not inanimate. I agree. He has an infinite number of forms of Spirit to manifest Himself, but He glows (with life) and He flashes with action. He flows occupying space, He DOES occupy space AND He DOES occupy matter. He is positive or passive. He is often responsive. Blake: "Every eye sees differently, as the eye the object." This has been developed by the philosopher Michael Polanyi who contends that "knowledge and the knower are synthetically united. In the act of perception, the knower is affected and infected by that which is known." Quoted from: (Thomas Merton On Mysticism, by Raymond Bailey). In my words, there is a 200 principle in physics that says that no object can be seen by an observer without being influenced by the observer. They influence each other. There is a mutual relationship and influence, between one object and another. Thus, all of creation and all objects and creatures in creation are influencing creation and each other. By the way, for a long period of time I believed, and I still do believe, that I could and can obtain salvation to a greater or lesser extent for another soul by saying (under my breath): "Lord Jesus Christ, Lord God the Father, Lord, the Holy Spirit, Lord the Holy Trinity, please take (this person) eternally to Heaven - NOW." It was usually followed by an immediate blink of the person's eyes, as if some vapour (the Holy Spirit) had entered through these windows of the soul. I have said this prayer a lot in public, where I could see its effect. I was superstitious about how it worked and I believed that it could not take place, unless I saw the eyes blink (how else could I know?). They almost always did when I was watching and usually immediately. I don't know if other people can also do it. This method allows me to "save" or perhaps "to help to save," for instance, people on the bus, if "save" is too strong for you. I sometimes find myself trying to foretell the future or the time of my death. I never get a firm answer. It is quicksand. I get every answer imaginable. The only answer that is firm is my death in l999. I suspect that this is soothsaying and that it is very sinful. [But God does prophesy to Christians--much less than is commonly thought, I suspect]. [God appears to equivocate with Jonah]. I was praying as usual today and, as I sometimes am, I was entranced. Small golden coloured streaks of light moved slowly through my field of vision, sometimes in curves, sometimes circular and sometimes straight; each one lasted 3 to 4 seconds. They would burn out and then another group would appear. Sometimes 4 or 5 at once. In my field of vision, they passed along a 2-foot maximum path. Each was 4 to 5 inches long. They were a bright golden colour. Interpretation: they were angels or the Lord the Holy Spirit. This experience lasted for up to 45 seconds. I firmly believe it was supernatural......and from God. 201 Another similar phenomenon: In the past, I have seen clear, translucent or light-coloured particles dancing in the air - thousands of them at once. In the hospital and through the window, there were thousands. Interpretation: they were angels or the Holy Spirit. There is no other possible explanation. Some people would think that it is a natural phenomenon, but it is supernatural because it accompanies prayer and manifests the Presence of God. [I felt very well at this time]. They move in circles and are so small as to be hard to see. I am a spiritual warrior accustomed to the rough and tumble. Rather crude and not genteel although I am of genteel stock. I reject most evil. I would be proud if I said all evil. I suspect I am not as honest with myself as I imagine myself to be, for the simple reason that I think I am quite honest with myself. I find myself sometimes being caught up by others or catching myself on some logical inconsistancy. This occurs more so as time goes on. I am starting to show signs of age with memory loss (aided no doubt by mega - doses of psychiatric drugs.) The immortal words of Andrew Marvell ring in my mind's ears: "But at my back I always hear, Time's winged chariots drawing near." 202 "SAINT" December 16, 1990 - 10:29 P.M. Today, I have decided to let you know a secret which I have not recorded before. (I think I haven't). I have many experiences that tell me the same things over and over again, the same themes are revealed in the Light and by the streams of Living Water. Here is one of several that happened today with the same theme. I was in St. Michael's Cathedral today before Mass, in touch visually with a very powerful and responsive Holy Spirit. We had been in touch for a span of 10 to 15 minutes and we were getting closer together. I looked and saw Light streaming down the body of the church from the monstrance above the tabernacle. This Light stream was communicating it's words of identity: "Jesus Christ". Along the floor of the cathedral, leading from the area of the tabernacle, there was a stream of Light bubbling along about 2 to 3 feet high, which ran up against the front of the first row of pews where I was kneeling. It ran directly to me, and ended at my knees, where I was praying. I don't know if it passed through the wood of the pew. This bubbling Light formed clearly and distinctly for a period of 2 or 3 seconds, the word, "saint". Then there was a break followed in 2 seconds by the word, "Robert". This remained for 2 or 3 seconds and then faded out. Now I know, with no doubt whatever, that this was God speaking. It has happened similarly or nearly the same on, at least, 100 other occasions. I can't, at this time, see how I ever could be canonized. Indeed, it seems ridiculous. Who would pursue my cause? I do no great works of mercy, except prayer. Prayer is my strong point. I really think that it is impossible that I will ever be known, much less recognized, and my cause pursued. So it doesn't really matter. God says I am a saint. I am a saint in Heaven and that is where it really counts. Perhaps, it 203 means to be one of the company of Heaven. Or is it, as St Paul refers to it: "the saints in Jerusalem." [I know now that it is a specific title for a member of a very spiritually advanced group of people in Heaven. Not just a member of the company of Heaven, but a much smaller group, with a much higher status in Heaven. Saints are made in Heaven, and SOMETIMES recognized on Earth. [See " The Mystical Theology of the Eastern Church" by Vladimir Lossky.] Often, the Lord says that I am a saint, when I ask what my status is in Heaven. Sometimes the Lord volunteers the fact, without my expecting it, or asking for it. I am very jealous and zealous for the things of Heaven. I have prayed for many things: Heavenly status, stations, roles, gifts, personal spiritual adornments and especially martyrdom. These have mostly seemed to be answered one way or the other. My life is a slow martyrdom, like millions of others. With great difficulty at first, I achieved the title, "son of God"; and for some time now, it is certain that I have, for myself at least, received the title "saint". So there, now you know for sure what is going on with me. I cherish very much the designations I have received. I expect persecution for these writings, but I can just retire to my home, and the church is open to all. Friday, February 2, 1991 I feel I am in danger of being pulled apart by forces from within my body, soul and mind. I might explode. I feel pulled apart. I don't want to profess a faith of principally helping others, especially if it is principally strangers. I don't want a life without giving love, but I can't mobilize myself for a career of giving. I want to help my friends, or at least I am willing to. My career appears to be self - aggrandizment through prayer. I can't be practical. I seem to be UNABLE TO 204 1 Basil Krisvoshein, The Ascetical and Theological Teaching of St. Gregory Palamas, Eastern Churches Quarterly, Vol.3, No. 3, Sect. 3, P. 198 2 same as 1 3 same as 1 DO ANYTHING, EXCEPT THIS. I feel that this is very sinful, BUT IT IS ALL I CAN DO, ALL I AM TRAINED TO DO. [I am disabled--it is harder to do good works when you are disabled, but not impossible.] "This uncreated Light, immaterial and insensible as it is, does not remain only inward, a Divine illumination, mysteriously and coming unethereally into being". 1 So Krivoshein says the light exteriorizes itself.(Basil Krivoshein, The Ascetical and Theological Teaching of St. Gregory Palamas, Eastern Churches Quarterly, Vol. 3, Sect. 3, P. 198.) He also says: "When those who are worthy to receive the spiritual and supernatural Grace, and strength, they see with both sense, and intellect, that which transcends all strength, and intellect, as it is known only to God, and to those who experience such action, (of Grace)." 2(Ibid) Again he says: "It may be thought, that in some cases, without changing its nature, it exteriorizes itself and from an inner expression, it becomes an objective event, and (even) acquires some properties of the visible light." 3(Ibid) Archbishop Krivoshein also writes: "This light is at the same time outside and inside the one who sees it, and it is seen, both by the eye of the mind, and by the bodily eye... Sometimes, the radiance of the light is compared to that of the 205 4 Basil Krivoshein, St. Symeon the New Theologian. In the Light of Christ, Life Spirituality - doctrine. moon."4(Basil Krivoshein, St. Symeon the New Theologian. In the Light of Christ, Life Spirituality - Doctrine.) "How can a man see God's Essence with his bodily eyes?" (a question by Barlaam about the hesychasts). [This implies that the hesychasts DO see God's Energies with their bodily eyes. No one will ever see God's Essence with their eyes or mind.(R.D.)] From Timothy Ware, The Orthodox Church. Father Petro B.T. Bilaniuk says that the Divine Light itself is not seen, but rather where it strikes the air, it excites the molecules causing them to emit this oftimes, ghostly Light. It reveals itself where it chooses in this way and can pass purposely unobserved, for the air is filled with these displays, from small varieties, like paper thin lines, to large displays, like small scale northern lights or aurora borealis. What I am trying to do is give you what I have received. To pass on the God - experiences, that the Most Holy Trinity has poured out upon me; I am taking this accumulated experience and giving it to you. Perhaps, you will search out similar experiences yourself, or learn from these second-hand, or marvel at my frailty, at the folly of man, for I am weak. February 9, 1991 l2:00 midnight of February 8th - 9th. I have put a crucifix on the wall, and Jesus answers me when I pray, with Light containing ineffably His words; the Light is seen in the area around the crucifix, on the wall, and around other objects 206 within the room. He was very engaging tonight. After many prayers, He indicated He would like me to get some water. Puzzled, I went to the kitchen and put it where the Light said. Then I asked what it was for. Jesus said that I should wash my hands and say: "Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, please wash me clean of my pain." I washed myself saying: "Lord Jesus, Lord God, and Lord, the Holy Spirit, please wash me clean of my pain, my suffering and my anguish". I was being healed. Monday, February 18, 1991 - Father Petro Bilaniuk 1- As the hart leaps across the gorge, the city bright down the mountain like a jewel during the storm. 2- As the flower of the Jack in the pulpit is cradled in it's protective nest, so am I in your arms, Oh Lord my God! In 1987, I had a glimpse of what looked like a circle of several wings of a bird, moving in a circle on its centre, about 3 feet in diameter, on each side of the church. (St Basil's Church, Toronto, I think it was). They were a beautiful brown colour. I was transfixed. I told the Christian girl I was with, about them. I never knew why I saw the wings. I thought they were angel's wings. They had feathers. That girl had been very fond of me for years. As far as I was concerned, I was in danger of falling into the kind of carnal relationship with her, that I had with a girl in the past, when I was much younger. I did not want to lose my single state, but I was in danger of falling. Nothing untoward has ever happened. But God, I think, was jealous for me. He saved me from a result that obviously would have been very unhappy. He saved me for Himself. I cannot be a saint, when I am with a woman I am very attracted to. However, there are several ladies who I truly love as sisters in Christ. I must be very careful in the future. But I am not on my own. Jesus protected, guided, and saved the two of us. 207 I have had Heavenly visions all evening in prayer, for the whole prayer time. God asked me to give Him, (or the All - holy Trinity), my head for a full year. I first resisted and then gave myself completely in my head and for my head. Sealed nicely, as a bonus, with a Te Deum. "My head" probably refers to my head as the seat of the senses, not as the hippies would have us think of it, as the seat of the mind. [The mind is the seat of all thought, intellect, feeling etc., as contained in the heart.] I don't make close friendships with many people on a commitment basis, because it takes a lot of time and effort to be a friend, and it is often very risky. I am conservative in this way. I protect myself. I WILL SAY IT ONCE AND ONCE FOR ALL. THE LIGHT I SEE FROM GOD IS SPIRITUAL, IT IS NOT INTELLECTUAL, NOR IS IT STRICTLY SPEAKING, PHYSICAL OR MATERIAL. IT LOOKS SPIRITUAL, BUT IT IS APPREHENDED AS BEING VERY SIMILAR TO PHYSICAL LIGHT. HOWEVER IT IS INDEPENDENT, HAS FEELINGS, AND CHARACTER, AND GREAT KNOWLEDGE AND INTELLIGENCE. I SEE THE DIVINE LIGHT WITH MY GRACE - BLESSED, DIVINIZED EYES. THE ORIGIN OF THIS GRACE IS PURE GIFT, THE TIME OF ITS FOUNDATION IN ME UNKNOWN TO ME, ALTHOUGH IT REQUIRES THAT I BE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF BLESSEDNESS FOR IT TO APPEAR REGULARLY. THE CHARGE OF MESSALIANISM REQUIRES THAT THE PERSON WHO CLAIMS TO SEE GOD SEES THE DIVINE ESSENCE BY MEANS OF THE BODILY SENSES. NOW IN MY CASE, I EXPERIENCE WITH VIRTUALLY ALL SENSES, EXCEPT TASTE (PERHAPS I HAVE POOR TASTE), THE LIGHT AND ENERGY OF GOD, NOT GOD'S ESSENCE. I EXPERIENCE THE LIGHT AND ENERGY OF GOD AS IT AFFECTS THE 208 AIR, IN PARTICULAR, AND ALSO THE ENVIRONMENT, IN OTHER "MEDIATIONS" AS GRACE INFLUENCES AND AFFECTS OBJECTS THROUGH THESE MODES OR MEDIA IN THE LOCAL SENSORY SURROUNDINGS. THESE EFFECTS INCLUDE LIGHT AND ENERGY, BUT ALSO THE MEDIATION OF GRACE IN THE AUDITORY MILIEU, AND THE REAL AND DEFINITELY NOT IMAGINED, SENSE OF THE PHYSICAL TOUCHINGS OF GRACE, THAT LEAVE THE NERVES PEACEFUL OR TINGLING WITH THRILLS OF EXCITEMENT. YOU SKEPTICS ARE MEN OF LITTLE FAITH, BUT THEN I SUPPOSE THAT WE ARE NOT ALL GIVEN THE SAME GIFTS. YOU LIE TO YOURSELVES, AND WORST OF ALL, TO OTHERS. YOU DON'T BELIEVE THE PLAIN TRUTH SPOKEN OF IN SCRIPTURE. THE PURE OF HEART TO YOU ARE NOT PEOPLE WHO SEE GOD, THEY ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T USE CRUDE LANGUAGE. THE DIVINE LIGHT PRESENTS ME WITH A LIGHT THAT IS, PROCLAIMS ITSELF TO BE, AND ACTS EXACTLY LIKE, GOD. BEING A STUDENT OF THEOLOGY, I KNOW THIS GOD FROM THE BIBLE AND OTHER SACRED WRITINGS AND YES, PRIMARILY FROM THIS SENSIBLE FORM. THIS IS NOT THE MESSALIAN HERESY, WHICH IS GREATLY OVERWORKED LIKE QUIETISM, BOTH OF WHICH HAVE SOME TRUTH IN THEM, BUT FAR MORE NOTORIETY THAN THEY DESERVE. THE RESPONSE TO BOTH THESE HERESIES HAS BEEN AN OVER-REACTION TO A REGIONAL PROBLEM. THIS IS NOT MESSALIANISM -- IT IS THE TRUE, OUTSTANDING, AND REALISTICALLY - SPEAKING, UNIMPEACHABLE IN HEAVENLY TERMS, VISION OF GOD. 209 I apparently, most of the time, see Jesus as a strict judge. Often, He doesn't come when I call. He disappears or withdraws His favours, if I sin more than a very minor sin. He is very stingy with Himself, and His favours. In short, He is a hard taskmaster. But there is a gradual growth in faithfulness on my part, a growth in maturity and steadfastness, more confidence, less concern for self, and much more concern for Jesus - a stretching, an interaction that moulds a dependency, that turns to freely given commitment. Hopefully, this turns to some personal equality with Jesus, on some level, as I grow in His likeness interiorly - in a sense of similarity. February 22, 1991, Friday I went today to St Michael's Cathedral. Before the Sacred Heart Litany, I prayed AT THE SPIRIT'S REQUEST, that I be made a specific saint for (some of) those who don't have a saint. I agreed and prayed a complex series of prayers. After I had finished, the Light of the Spirit shone again saying: "saint," but I couldn't see if my prayer was answered. I asked for proof that my prayer was answered. I was told it would be some time, before God would tell me about it. [I am still waiting as this book goes to press -- October, 1992.] I also prayed before that, to be a king in Heaven. Jesus is King of kings. This was answered, but again, I don't know how. ["The first shall be last, and the last shall be first". Some peasants will be kings, and some kings may be peasants.] Really, wealth is spiritual and eternal entirely, not temporal at all.. I prayed at communion to have the hearts of all my fellow members of "my" Kingdom united to my heart. [But I recapitulate "my" Kingdom to Jesus to whom it really belongs, and He eternally turns it over to His, mine and your, ONLY FATHER, who is, in any sense of the word, a TRUE FATHER. I realize that I am going to be ridiculed by many over this last passage, but you have to realize that all positions in the Kingdom of Heaven are open and are ripe for the plucking, if you will; and there is no harm in asking for anything, if you so desire. The fault with most people is 210 that they don't realize that anything is theirs just for the asking in the Spirit.] I also prayed effectively, in a special way, for the first time of my life, one of the simplest of prayers. Maybe I didn't do this before, but I don't think it ever worked this well. I prayed for my soul to be created into One, with the Divinity and Humanity, of the soul of Jesus. I have prayed a similar prayer nearly every time I communicate, but this time it was very effective. All in all, a very productive set of Sacred Heart litany and communion prayers. And I hadn't wanted to go. My mother crowns me with love and tenderness. God saves my life from destruction. [My mother has been my best, totally human, friend for 22 years now,--since I was 24 years old (1969-70). Sometimes we can suffer, and still have peace (Koci Radeff). I was consecrated, in the womb, by my mother who put me in her God, while I was in her womb. (God told me this). {The following ideas are based on my knowledge of two Christian communities which must go under assumed names. One, St. Agnes Rectory is a poor multi - ethnic Roman Catholic community in downtown Toronto. The other, St. Swythans is a protestant church which caters almost or perhaps totally to the inner city POVERTY STRICKEN}. From these churches I have discovered that, of all who discover God, or Jesus, or the Lord, the Holy Spirit, and then seek to carry out their commandments on a large scale: 1 - They begin to ignore God, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit, or spend less time with Them. They concentrate too much on the apostolate. Their relationship with God should be the most important thing. 2 - They dictate the message, and their responses to people's needs, by using general models and putting the work ahead of people. They usually, as a rule, 211 become insensitive to the true aspirations, hopes, dreams and especially feelings of the people they claim to serve, but who they actually control and dictate to. 3 - They, for the reasons above, have a lot of conflict with members of their flock, particularly if their flock doesn't see themselves as a flock, or share the same values as a moral theology textbook, or whatever model is being used. [The model is "laid on", and usually has a rough fit, resulting in conflict, differing viewpoints, and schism in the local sense. If you don't toe the line and "give in", then you are out or gone. This is what I have observed]. They have different agendas. With this conflict of world views comes stress, and this contributes to and is a result of the distortion that comes from too much emphasis on apostolate. I would suggest that the Lord wants us to be loyal to Him and to every one we can, but not to try to mould people, into the persons we think they should be. In Matthew 23:15, Jesus said: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for you traverse sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves." And don't some of those in apostolates have a tendency to do just that? The novice should be free unless perhaps they specifically ask for it, if they understand what they are getting into, and probably not even then. Religious orders, for example, can get tremendously inbred. It is easy to see what Jesus was thinking of, when he referred to some so-called teachers, being children of hell in this context. We can only see the surface. Don't lay trips on people. Let the Lord form his people. Jesus is the only True Teacher. So, why not let the people learn contemplation so they can learn from Jesus first hand? Provide community with as little structure or rules as possible. A Christian community should have voluntary prayer above all. That is the one thing. Of course a priest or Christian worker has to preach the gospel and create community. This is the tension, the dialectic if you will. It is a delicate balance. Just don't oppress the people. Also, power-sharing is so important. Decisions should never be made for people. Rather, each person's destiny should be his \ her own. [This is not always 212 the situation that prevails. There is too much paternalism on all levels] Above all else, spend time with God alone. If your work is cutting into your prayer time, then cut back the work. If you aren't at the level of spending time with God alone, then read a prayer book or devotional reading. But spend time with God, with or without an aid - and give yourself to God, over and over again, - every part of yourself, eternally and irrevocably. Give your mental, physical, spiritual, aspects of your soul, mind, heart, body, nerves, spirit, senses, consciousness, and awareness. Let God love you. Let Him lead you. He has your best interests at heart to put it mildly. A Spiritual director can tell you books that might help, IF YOU ASK, and can serve to turn you back into the way of God and the Church, when you stray, if you ask him or her. He or she, should correct when necessary, guide you to the wisdom of the ages, try to understand what God is doing; but he or she should not try to mould you yourself, into the image of the director or what "his" or "her" favourite image and likeness of God is. He or she should be humble and learned, but not domineering. He or she should be honestly themselves, guiding on the basis of her or his knowledge and experience. A bad director is a disaster for the praying person. St. Teresa of Avila apparently felt that most directors were bad. Perhaps, she is right. But I say that a good director is like fertilizer in the garden. The seed is the Kingdom and we are the garden. The Holy Spirit is the life-giving Water and the spiritual director is the manure or fertilizer. The line, "where beggars live as princes" reminds me of myself, I am a beggar. Tuesday, February 26, 1991 213 Tonight, the Father and I generated the Son from the hidden inner recesses of my heart. It might have been the Father alone, but I pushed and prayed and the Father and I generated the Son in my heart. (I know I didn't, but I felt I had a part in it). I tried to get God, Jesus, or myself, to spirate the Holy Spirit, but I couldn't get a feeling of spiration. But the Holy Spirit was pouring out of my stomach in patterns, including the distinct outline of a dove - like bird, at one point. The feeling of generating in the heart was like red hot liquid flowing from the root of the heart, inflaming it, and making it feel full to the point of distending its walls. It felt very much like a heart of flesh, and it was the Spirit of Jesus and the blood, that gave its vitality. I was being made, in my heart, as Jesus was made. So in this way, I interpreted this profoundly spiritual event. Most of the time my unconscious and conscious response to a request by the Lord is: "I can't". When I realize, if I realize, that the Lord has asked me to respond, I try a bit. But hardly at all. Like St. Therese of Lisieux, I realize that the Lord doesn't want an athlete or someone with a computer for a brain; He wants a child. I may be wrong, but the Lord is always there, although in my mental / physical state, the physical conditions may be poor, Mr. D. may come, or rarely, Jesus may hide these days. Usually He is there, regardless of how I present myself. Sunday, March 3, 1991 - 1:00 A.M. approximately I asked God to tell me what to ask for, the greatest possible thing or gift He could give me. The Divine Light said to "ASK FOR EVERYTHING". I don't know if there was an evil influence. I have often heard that God wants to give us everything. If only we would ask in the Spirit. Anyway, I prayed 4 prayers to have everything in Heaven and He suggested that I do 3 more. Seven is one of God's numbers. I was obedient so I did 3 more. Soon, I prayed seven prayers on my own to have everything on earth, a very secular mode. What that would mean I don't know? I don't know yet if either prayer will come true. I would settle for the 214 first one coming true, because I am more a member of the Heavenly Kingdom than this one on Earth. Jesus said later that I should have prayed to the Father for absolute effectiveness. So I did. We will see. Earlier I had been praying the Office, when I saw the word "Jerusalem" on the page in a flash of brilliant insight, not of my doing. I realized I should, and simultaneously did, say a prayer for myself to be a type of Jerusalem, I think. This was at the Spirit's request - it's hard to say - it all happened so quickly. But immediately there was a kind of interior conversion, a shudder deep inside, a spasm attached to and immediately after the prayer. Saturday, March 16 (I think), late at night The Spirit (Holy, I think) said, "see the cross." Jesus' figure in porcelain was on my wall on a porcelain cross - (a crucifix, in short). The Spirit said "solid wood. Jesus only touched a small part of it, touching with His backside, shoulders, hands, and feet. There was a lot that never touched Him. And yet it all hurt Him." It was all working against Him. It was pain, it was affliction, it was anguish, it was deepest suffering and it was tribulation. God gave Him up to it. It was, and is, the normal part of many people's lives. To live and die, sometimes in torment. But this was God, sent by His Father, made of the same Substance, to suffer a sinner's, criminal's, pauper's death. FOR US. This is just a small portion made manifest of the length and breadth of the love of God. The height is more in the next world. Jesus submitted to the whole thing fully knowing what it would cost Him, what He would have to sacrifice. FOR ME. FOR YOU. So on that cross, which bore the weight of our sins before they were forgiven by Jesus, He on that tree, said: - "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" - the sins of everyone in history were forgiven, if they would only accept, in an interior movement, the Lordship of Jesus and the gift of His Kingdom by fully and 215 honestly confessing His Name and Person.. That cross was the symbol of everything hard and oppressive - hard to fashion, hard to carry, almost impossible to hang upon - instrument of pain and anguish. This cross was the world and its sinfulness, and Jesus was crucified to the world; the world was drawn into and crucified to Jesus. Earth met and joined to Heaven as the gates were starting to crumble. This cross was material, rugged, unyielding, dead more or less, inanimate and substantially rough. It was this material world crucifying the body of the God - man. It was the apparent victory of the material world over the spiritual. The apparently inexorable laws of physics, biology, chemistry, suffering and death, over Love, Beauty, Truth - Life (and God), God is apparently defeated at Golgotha. So they thought. But in the tomb, Jesus' Divinity lives on. The Father and the Holy Spirit are with Him. In a matter of 36 hours, Jesus has been transformed, renewed and by an act of Divine metamorphosis, has sprung back to life. He is the Alpha and the Omega, and He is now basically and almost completely spiritual. He does not suffer. He glows with Light to the faithful. He can pass through closed doors. He can travel miles in a wink of an eye by just a thought. He has a glorious Body. The cruelties and vicissitudes of life are behind Him. Jesus was free to teach others and then finally ascend to His Father in Heaven to complete, utter and indescribable Glory. Lets get it straight. I am not saying I am what God is looking for. God is always calling me to be what He wants me to be. You, yourself, probably say that I am not what you think a saint should be. But I am close to God--in some ways, in union with Him. So like all of us, God takes me as raw material and moulds me into what He has planned for me. If we can co-operate, it has always been my idea and my experience bears this out, the limits set to our growth by God do not 216 exist. The capacity for growth is boundless. The limits are imposed by us. We all can become saints, even poor sick ones, like me. You just HAVE TO WANT TO ENOUGH. In Heaven, our experience of God will be unbounded or, if you like, limitless and we are on the way there. I have, for the past five years, often been drawn to a prayer, where the object of my prayer, myself, in this case, should at my request of almighty God, especially Jesus, have his \ her \ my eyes pierced by the Holy Spirit. I recall several times praying for my eyes to be pierced, (or anointed, if you will), by the Holy Spirit around the time I was starting the Jesus prayer devotions, in my little room at home around 10 or 11 o'clock at night. This, I believe, was the occasion of the first experiences I had at that time of the vision of God. I started at that precise time to be aware again of the Presence of God, first intellectually and emotionally, then visually. I was amazed at my courage, because my whole being rebelled, not only at my being pierced by anything, but also, especially being pierced in the eyes!!! [I had trouble trusting God to pierce my eyes]. [But if you practice this prayer, don't flinch, precede this prayer with some other efficacious prayer like the Jesus prayer, be very calm and HAVE PATIENCE. It will happen in Jesus time, not in your time. Don't panic and BE NOT AFRAID. Be on the lookout for some signs of supernatural Light.] Also, at that time (1985 - 86), I prayed specifically from intuition, not from knowledge to see God perhaps by infused knowledge. I believe that many other people could have their eyes enlightened or anointed, by the Spirit, if they wish. I felt a deep blinding pain when I asked God to pierce my eyes so I might "see". But one should not mistrust God. It is ourselves we should mistrust. If you know you are in the Presence of God, why not ask Him to pierce your eyes, and ask Him for the vision of Himself? He can clear out the spiritual passage, from inner to outer, and sanctify your vision so you may see God's Spirit, filling the whole universe, or at least the small part of it that you 217 are in. When I lived on Brunswick Ave in 1976, I met the "Ancient One," as I walked. That is what He called Himself. He communicated with me through the movements of my body. This was the first time I had been living alone in my life, for more than 4 months at a time. I stayed there for 2 years. I was quite sick with my mental illness, and over medicated (80 mgs. of Haldal daily when an average dose is 10 - 30 mg daily). I was stupefied by the medication, groggy, half-blind, depressed and suicidal every day. I couldn't work, went to my mother's to eat, and I was so generally sick and run down that it is a wonder I could even live. I started a dialogue with the "Ancient One". Every time I asked Him for help with my situation He said: "love it". I really resented this at first, but I began to see the wisdom over a period of years. As I came to terms with this command, and it WAS a command, I began to consciously try to love my situation and the people in it. Love became a part of me in my life. Then I began to accept my situation, the first step towards dealing with it; then I began changing it and finally mastering it. I have come a long way since then. But this kind, wise advice was so perfectly timed, and so perfectly directed at the need. It had an authoritarian tone, but would I have paid attention to anything else? A Father can be stern. Also, at this time, I was joining the Roman Catholic Church. During the same period of time and for at least 15 more years, the "Ancient One" would occasionally issue me the directive: "work". This was often when I was depressed or discouraged, in the early years, with simple tasks like tying up my shoelaces or doing the dishes. Later, God applied it especially to remind and encourage me to pray. Even if the prayer seemed hopelessly long, God said "work!". I always responded with the effort required, except once or twice when I fell asleep in bed instead. [ I needed to tackle the tasks of life and I didn't have a job or a boss]. The Ancient One also taught me: "Don't do what you want to do; do what 218 you should do!!!" As this includes the will of God, as "what you should do", I confess that it is at times very hard to carry out. It seems to go against human nature. I am an addict, a God - addict or more specifically and primarily a Jesus - addict and a Most Holy Trinity - addict. I am often insatiable in this regard. My appetite or thirst knows no bounds and if it is filled or quenched it is only for a moment or two. The supply of God's Light seems limitless and it contains within it intrinsically and ineffably the implied and truest expression of Jesus' (God's) Love. March 17, 1991 - After mass 6:00 P.M. The past few weeks have been a time of such an outpouring. The chastening of the Lord, which seems so grievous at the time, always gives way to a new round of blessings. God's Graces and effusions bathe me for weeks at a time. He raises me up, prayer after prayer, to new heights - after new heights: He raises me to exalted places in the Son, Father and Holy Spirit, where I can't realize why I have been so blessed. There is no explanation on earth. Even if I were Mother Teresa, there would be no explanation why one person grows in this way. I know that God is supreme, abundantly merciful, infinitely Holy and perfectly just, in His own way, which is not our way. Let us not judge. God is always right. There can be no doubt that my life is a testimony to the Glory of God. But it is not my doing. I just resist temptation and take the opportunities that God offers. But to achieve great things, you have to be single - minded. God first, Jesus first, the Holy Spirit first, and the Most Holy Trinity first. Mary, first among creatures, the cherubim and seraphim, the angels, saints, martyrs, all the company of Heaven, and finally yourself and all Their people on Earth. This single-mindedness is most likely purity of heart. It should be directed 219 primarily, at and to, Jesus. This will, if encouraged to develop, grow into a reciprocal relationship. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR THINGS FROM JESUS. He said, "ask and you shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you, seek and you shall find "(paraphrased). Sooner or later, you should ask for spiritual vision. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God" (Matt: 5:8). The Lord, IF YOU ARE PREPARED as I have said, will always grant the gift interiorly or externally, if one is in the Lord's peace and perseveres. It takes a certain degree of holiness and singleness of mind. Don't expect great visions. All I saw, for the first few times, were some reflections and some pencil thin lines of Light, and occasionally, some Light around objects and people. Always they come from some invisible source. Don't be afraid to beg. Jesus loves beggars. Be patient.[And above all, focus on Jesus and on what you are doing] Similarly, all your senses can be divinized; that is, they are given the power to sense things that are supernatural, which is to say, from God. I don't push Roman Catholicism on others. I feel it is and has been an excellent vehicle for the Most Holy Trinity, both in my life, and down through the centuries. But the Holy Spirit does not "belong" solely to the Roman Catholic Church. He speaks when and where and to whom He chooses. God the Father does not "belong" solely to the Moslems, Jews or the Christians. The Most Holy Trinity "belongs completely" to each and every living creature in the history of the universe, and always has, whether they know it or not. I believe that the Roman Catholic Church is ON THE AVERAGE a very, good church. That is why I chose it. (I am a convert). But each church emphasizes a different vehicle or channel (as Saint Francis' hymn says) between God and man. There are as many ways to God as there are people. Jesus Christ is critical to our understanding of salvation. But is He someone 220 without whom there is no salvation? Vatican II says there are ways to salvation consistent with Jesus and His teaching, which nevertheless, do not worship Him, often are not even aware of Him, or what He stands for. Some of these people live Christ - like lives by the power of the natural law infused by God into their hearts. Let us not judge people, especially as to where they will reside, in Heaven or hell, IN OUR MISERABLE, TOTALLY UNINFORMED OPINION. Let us realize that Jesus is bigger than all of us put together, and He is the one and ONLY true judge. The Roman Catholic faith is the right one for me. I am educated quite extensively at a Roman Catholic Graduate School of Theology and also in the Eastern Orthodox faith ( too well, some might say). I sang in an Anglican choir and I was raised in the Protestant United Church of Canada. I have a deep appreciation for these Churches and their traditions. I see them each as pieces of a pie which come together with Jesus and the Most Holy Trinity, in the centre. Each forms a part of the whole of God's work and has a smaller or larger piece. But the Roman Catholic Church is a very, good church. The bottom line is, choose the religion that you think God has led you to and that God wants you to join. IF YOU CAN, SHOP AROUND. Don't become a square peg in a round hole. Don't be enticed by weak doctrine, nice hymns or excessive emotions on the part of parishioners. These are a snare. But remember a church is only as holy as its priest or leadership. Look for a church that is alive and vital with a true Spirit of Charity. Look for a church that adores Jesus Christ and especially the seat of His Graces and Love, His Sacred Heart. But I urge you, I beg you for your sake, do not abandon Jesus, as the Second person of the Most Holy Trinity. HE IS GOD - God the Son! Do not abandon the Trinity. In other words, be a Christian. Jesus has been given all power on Earth and in Heaven by His and our Father. All Glory has been given to Him, He IS your Judge and He loves you. He is very, very merciful to those who obey Him or try to. He is the TRUE WAY - the source of ALL TRUTH - and He is the source 221 of all LIFE, - eternal in Heaven, and on Earth (temporal) or sempiternal, (conceived or created in time, but becoming an object, or being, that exists in eternity). He wants you, so He can give you everything. To some He will give a lot on earth, but this can be a snare. Others need what you have, so give out of your abundance. What Jesus really wants for you is a place in His Kingdom. He wants to give you the highest place in His Kingdom, eternally, forever. There is no other eternal Kingdom, only hell. Don't be confused on this point. As you live, so you will be judged. Almost all the places in the Kingdom are still available. Earn one of them. It's free. Ask for it. It's a gift. There is no way out of hell, ever. But Jesus is merciful. So be a Christian, choose Jesus - forever. Marry Him spiritually or, if that bothers you, pledge yourself to Him forever in a covenant of love. He wants you. He desires you in His Spirit. He will make you a son or daughter of God. You will be safe forever, if you trust Him and follow His commandments which are Light and which are the commandments of Life - these are the only True laws that if you break them, you will damage, hurt or destroy, yourself, others and God. All good, wise laws come from God. These commandments exist, and apply to you, whether you accept them or not. You are God's creature. You can't escape His laws, which are for your whole life for as long as you live. Don't hide your head in the sand. Jesus wants to make you like Himself. He is God, large G. He can make you a "god" (small g) in Heaven, a very humble "god" (small g), if you really get it together with Jesus. He will make you a saint, if you ask Him and obey Him. (All the gifts you receive from Him require that you have faith, for them to come true.) Faith is built up by prayer and the Christian walk. Ask. You have to ask humbly-- stick with Him through thick and thin, and pick yourself up and return to Him when you stray, stumble or fall. You have to choose as though there is nobody else. By the way, there IS nobody else. There never was, and presumably never will be, any other Saviour by any other name anywhere in creation. Jesus is the beginning 222 and the end, the Alpha and the Omega of everything that ever has existed or ever will exist, with the exception of the Father.. SO BE A CHRISTIAN! If your choice of religion says that Jesus is NOT the Second Person of the Trinity, One God with His Father and the Holy Spirit, then you are wrong. It is not Christianity you are dealing with. There is salvation in other religions, but only in terms of Jesus Christ. He is the Judge of all men. He is the Lord of Light, of Life, of Love. It is very important that you stay with the mainline Catholic, Orthodox and Protestant Churches, in that order, in my opinion. [And God's too if numbers be any judge]. Be not afraid. Have courage. God and Jesus are with you. Make a decision today that you will go each week at least, to the Christian church of your choice. That will allow for the Lord to seize you, wrap you in His arms and love you in the Father's Spirit, in this world and then on to the next. In one way, we are like Jesus because we carry His death in our bodies. We carry His wounds spiritually because His Spirit lives in us. One of my sufferings is like Jesus suffering, and this is my mental illness. Jesus was accused of being mentally ill. HE WAS NOT MENTALLY ILL. But His family came once, to take Him and put Him away. They apparently thought He had lost His mind. He was fine, however. On another occasion He was accused of having a devil, which was one of the ways they described people who were, according to our judgements, among other things, mentally ill. This is a very pejorative accusation. One has NO credibility, if one is out of one's mind. I can only express my heartfelt deep thankfulness that God has provided reasonably good drugs to combat mental illness. They are not perfect, but if taken as wisely prescribed they keep one sane - an, oh so precious, sanity! One can become a well person, with more or less of a disability. [My therapist describes me as being a well-person with a disability. This disability shows itself in the fact that I cannot work full-time and I am sometimes incapacitated by stress or sickness.] [Now, would you like someone to try to take 223 you away against your will, telling you that you were insane? Jesus faced that and He was, and is, God. I have faced that too, several times and I am not God.] So the rejection that Jesus experienced by being accused of having mental illness, this insult, is what I face daily. Lots of people don't want to know me, see me, talk to me, or even know I exist. They think: "He is sick, a little one, too humble for us to know". But what if the mentally ill person, the ugly frog, is really a prince? What if he has been tending a secret garden full of exquisite flowers for his true love, Jesus Christ? What if the world doesn't know anything about it's members? What if it judges falsely? The faceless crowd, the foreigner, the strangers in our midst. Most of us reveal our inner selves to one or, at most, a few people. I reveal a small part of myself to my psychologist, my spiritual director, my mother, and a few friends. The rest of it is interior to me. Now, you who read this book will know part of the truth. Recently, I have been recording about one out of three of my serious prayer experiences. This means that two thirds of the experiences are gone. I have a very poor memory and I am always pushing on, but I know that God knows what I asked for, what went on. I don't think He remembers my sins much. There are some He catches me up on, every time. But I think I don't sin much on a good day. A few times. Pride on my part there, I guess. But there are hidden faults. Forgive me, and us, Lord. [July, 1992, -- While writing this book I was only able occasionally, or indeed rarely, to capture in words the Nature and Characteristics and Activities of The Almighty God apprehended, primarily visually, by myself. He is so "BIG," or so "little," that I could never seem to find the words to describe Him. Too sublime, too ineffable to describe. In fact, there are not in existence the words to accurately describe the fullness of the Presence of the Lord as He so often presents Himself. For example, how would you describe spirit? What does it look like? How does it feel? O.K.. Now, how about the Spirit of God? He is too great and often too inaccessible to contemplate.] 224 The Lord has enlarged my heart so that more and more people of different races, tribes, and tongues can fit inside my heart with acceptance and often love. I love the different faces and shapes of people more and more. But the pain that I feel, when I see a stranger face to face with me or hear a language with an intonation, metre, sound, and accent that are different to mine, is a sign that God has not yet finished His work of making my heart a castle, for all the peoples of the world. We must not, sisters and brothers, get tired of expanding our narrow little hearts, used to only one language, race and culture, to become big enough and filled with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, sources of love and mercy, embrace and unite us to all men, women, children and older people and indeed all living things. Let us be life giving and affirming. God will help us. Let us ring out our welcome. Let us incessantly pray for guidance and help. God says:"Remember the resident alien." [This is an Apostolic view]. The whole feeling I have had for the past few days, and it fills my body and covers me like a blanket, is that God is telling me that having children has almost passed me by. I guess it is like male menopause, but it really is an experience between God and my soul. It makes me very, very sad. God told me on the Britannia Streetcar and in the playground of Mutchmore Public School (both in Ottawa), that I was the lamb of God in my head - a slain lamb by the way. I was under 10 years old, perhaps 7 or 8 at the most, which means most likely 1953 or 1954 as the time of occurrence. I was very innocent and vulnerable. I am a lot more combative now, and have ideas and thoughts that take away some of my gentleness and peace of mind. I experienced the Divine Light on at least two occasions, in the National Museum of Canada building on McLeod Street in Ottawa. Also, I often experienced deep prayer and the Living Waters in Ottawa, on the way home from 225 Hopewell Avenue Public School in 1957 or 1958, while I was in grade 7 or 8. By the way, I was born on August 18, 1946, in Westminster Hospital, London, ENGLAND. I lived on Grey Coat Street in the City of London about 15 minutes walk from Buckingham Palace, St James Park and not far from Hyde Park and speakers corner. When I entered my prayer room where I also sleep, I saw a blue colour in the room reflected from the walls. I took this to mean that Mary was present in some way as Mary's colour is traditionally blue. I arrived at the conclusion that there was a problem with sin. I asked her what the sin was. She spoke through visual Grace saying: "sexual sins." I asked where they were, and a cloud of white mist moved across the wall, (It was the Holy Spirit or Grace I am sure), and settled on my crucifix. Mary said, through Grace or the Holy Spirit, that the principle sins that caused Jesus' crucifixion were sexual sins. I knew then that I had, in some real way, contributed in the past and present to Jesus' crucifixion. I must, in the future, be more careful in thought, word and deed, not to hurt my Beloved. [No one can completely avoid sexual sin, BUT the present climate is ridiculous, very unhealthy and unwholesome.] The Blessed Virgin Mary is Spouse to all 3 Members of the Most Blessed Trinity, for she is penetrated by the Lord, the Holy Spirit, a male act, her ovum dividing supernaturally by parthenogenesis which flesh is married in a most delectable union with the Divine Nature of the Son of God at conception; and she is Mother of God, whose other parent, her other Spouse, is the Father of Jesus Christ or the Most Sublime, Holy, Almighty God, the Father Himself, who overshadows her. Should not the mother and Father of so infinitely glorious a Son be spouse to each other. Who ever heard of any different type of lawful arrangement. This marriage of Mary with each member of the Most Holy Trinity took place as a marriage to God, the complete Trinity as a Unity Herself (the Trinity is feminine), at the time of Her Fiat. 226 March 23, 1991, at St. Michael's Cathedral (This was inserted several days later--It does not damage the continuity). I prayed before and after communion, (as I have on at least one other effective occasion), at the obligation Mass of Palm Sunday - on Saturday March 23rd, to share in the cross and to be united to the sufferings of Jesus; these are to be expressed in my soul, mind, heart, head and senses, body and spirit, eternally and to share His wounds in my body. The whole of Lent should lead up to this. One should die with Jesus in order to rise with Him. This is ostensibly the process one goes through at Baptism, although it is hard to imagine a really deep faith being present in the baptized person. Nevertheless, such a faith does exist, and the tree of faith can grow even where the soil is thin; this is why so many baptisms are successful in keeping the new Christian faithful. There is a conversion of the whole person in a successful baptism, brought about by the Presence of the Spirit of God; and this Presence feeds the new Christian and causes him\her to flourish and grow as a member of the Body of Christ and to be initially sanctified in His image and likeness, at least potentially. I asked the Lord how my writing was going. The Lord showed me in a clear vision, without evil influence, a pine tree trunk 50 feet in the air, up close. Out of it grew three green tendrils on a little tiny delicate branch. They were very short, maybe four or five inches long and very fine. I took this pine tree to be the tree of the Christian faith throughout history. Obviously, I hadn't contributed much writing, but perhaps not too many contribute anything at all. Always, the optimist. Perhaps, they will keep growing. "He will not crush the bruised reed" (Matt: 12:20). Monday March 25, 1991 I prayed a complex series of prayers to have the wolfish part of my nature 227 taken from me, or to be converted to be like Jesus. I was told to wait for some time by Jesus, in the Light of the Holy Spirit. I am still waiting as I write. I guess it will take a long time. It is to remove the part of me that is aggressive and wants to accuse, to attack, (basically, verbally or mentally), to dominate, to oppress, to argue and fight, to win at too high a cost, to be right all the time and to be a victor rather than a victim. Jesus was a victim not a tyrant. I can sometimes lose my temper. I like the scripture that says: "The anger of man does not do the will of God." (James 1:20). Jesus is a lamb - the lamb of God. I am a victim, but an unwilling victim striving to be someone I am not. Really a broken down old mental patient who refuses to roll over and die -- (Based on many horrible experiences and places associated with my mental illness). I keep pulling myself up by my bootstraps, so I won't have to accept the fact that I am broken, shattered and can't lead a normal life. I am quite successful!!! That only the Presence of God in my life, my love, my intelligence, and my learning form the principle ways that I am not a total failure in the eyes of man and myself, more or less--(but not in God's eyes). [I am a successful failure!!!] So God pleases me with His Presence; and so realizing that this is the greatest gift a person can ever receive from God on this earth, I leap, I rush to possess Him and to share some time with Him. (But you cannot possess Him exclusively, He gives His whole self to each person who asks). I truly love Him more than my life itself, but like St. Peter I know I could deny Him externally, not internally, when events conspired and I was under great pressure, or severely tempted. [I am ashamed of this now, and very, very, often these days, I feel I could Die for Jesus]. The Lord after 3 days of complete turmoil has visited me, in a clear way, here in my prayer/bedroom. 228 I asked Him several questions, each of which He suggested. (I am pretty stupid). First, I asked Him what I should do. He said to ask for my sainthood to be "here", "there" and "there". The last "there" was for me to give my sainthood to Jesus, (the Divine Light said this - the Divine Light is intelligent, wise and deep; it's oh so deep and can foretell the future! It is oh so intelligent, sanctity itself and kind!) At the judgement seat, I prayed a long series of prayers for this, and in the air around Jesus' head, (in a picture I have of Jesus judging some poor creature, me - I guess), the scene shone with the message "Saint Rob". I had gone into an ecstasy a few minutes before, while praying, and nearly lost consciousness. God told me through His Spirit, that you have to build on your relationship with God. You can, and you must, ask for what you wish to receive I think, and this is why those who do not ask of God, are so impoverished spiritually. I don't claim to know what happens to them at judgement day, but I do pray with tears from time to time, (and so should you if I may be so forward as to say), for the salvation of our unbelieving friends and ultimately for the salvation of the whole human race throughout history. Let none be lost; if we all work and pray together, we might with God's help, succeed in our goal of an empty hell and a full Heaven. However, I know that a fear of hell can be very influential in making one turn to God, and keeping one honest. [Mostly, I am dreaming in this passage, I think!] Tuesday, March 26, 1991 1:00 A.M. God revealed to me that He deals with man's and woman's physical and sexual structure and function, as one of the last things involved in the transition from purgatory to Heaven. It stands to reason, (it is me speaking) that even if He had not said it, that sex is the deepest area of human sin, and as the most likely, the most common sin area in thought, word, and deed of man's disordered psyche and moral life, should be the last area to be set right. Perhaps, 229 pride anticipates and causes it; but perhaps the "lambing" of man's ego, or in other words, the removal of pride and selfishness could be undone after the undoing of sexual sin and making us, as a prerequisite of divine life in Heaven: "gods, by participation." [by putting on our new, incorruptable, spiritual bodies]. [We are "gods by participation," "sharing in the Divine Nature" ( see: 2 Peter 1: 4) if we live successful spiritual lives from God's point of view.] March 28, 1991, in the morning I pray for many people including the whole human race, friends, enemies, acquaintances, people in the news, family and relatives, the living and the dead. I hope to have a part in drawing, partly by my own efforts and gifts and partly by the efforts and gifts of others, many millions of people, some kicking and screaming and some meekly like lambs to the throne of Grace, to receive their entrance into Heaven achieved by all our and their efforts. I have prayed that I might have absolute, complete utter mercy on anyone I might judge. I was told, (by God), that it didn't work exactly like that, but I was left with the impression that I would be a judge somehow, in some way, by God's appointment; probably a little one. [ Once again, God didn't tell me how many were saved. It is our obligation to pray and hope for others]. I am a little one of God, an anawim, you know. I am Big on ambition, small on accomplishments. Definitely, I am a failure in this world. It is the clear statement of scripture that the elect, the faithful will judge the world as part of the last judgement. The 12 apostles will judge the twelve tribes of Israel. Others will judge towns, cities, and other groups. This does not imply power over others to hurt them, but it implies a true sense of justice and mercy and whether it will be a human judgement alone, at any time, remains unclear. How much of a part God the Father, or the Son, or the Lord, the Holy Spirit will play 230 is not known to anyone I have ever heard of or read. But we will be judged by and judge our peers, at least in part. March 28, 1991 - 11:00 P.M. I often experience a flashing of Light, like lightning in the air in front of me, while praying. It has a centre, sometimes approaching or receding, or it might have extensions to other parts of the room. It is usually rhythmic, and changes each time it flashes. It is different from any other kind of Light that I experience by a large margin. It is aggressive, even violent; it can give the illusion of being disorganized. It does not fluctuate in time to my breathing or the beating of my heart or the pumping of the blood through my body. It can be like an electrical storm. But here is the problem for you who think it is organically or physically based. It sometimes "speaks" to me visually. Also, it only comes when there have been preliminary intelligent Lights present, (ie. when Jesus and the Holy Spirit are present). It is intelligent. I am completely passive and overwhelmed by the "pyrotechnics" that I am a part of. I initiate nothing, I just say the Jesus prayer, and respond to the intelligence, overcome by the naked power of the encounter. It is not verbal or a voice. [ It is visual. It is like external infused contemplation. The "words" are integral to the Light as in other supernatural forms of Light.] It is Jesus, I think for sure, and I would be willing to guess strongly that it is His way of irradiating me with mega-doses of Divine Light, and of causing me to undergo theosis or divinization. [But as I say, it has been revealed as being the Father on another occasion. What is true is that All Three Persons of the All Holy Trinity can present Themselves in the same way when They "choose" to. Satan can also attempt to duplicate these Light displays, but in my experience he is a big flop. He is always identified by the Lord the Holy Spirit. He's a real loser!!!] The Light is all directed at me to get my attention and to bathe me in 231 supernatural splendour. I can feel the Grace on my face, head, and body. My hair, in particular, has a peculiar texture or feel, as though it were covered with something. March 28, 1991 - 11:15 - 11:30 P.M. It is nearly Good Friday. I am preoccupied with my death these days. My body is not strong. I weigh too much, have shortness of breath and a racing heart. I have often asked to suffer like Jesus Christ. I usually can't fight off the devil when he attacks my body, which he does quite often. My death is in God's hands. I can't and don't want to resist His decisions especially on this matter. I have thought it through. Jesus went to His death willingly. He didn't try to escape. He never ever raised His voice in protest against going to His death, except in Gethsemane, and then He was obedient to His Father. So if I get ill, I should not complain or seek a lot of help or healing, whether from man, from medicine, or from faith healing. If there is no cure, I should accept the will of God with resignation, courage and good cheer. Take what comforts that medicine supplies in a palliative way; and because I am not able to bear too much deep pain, I will ask for pain killers, if the situation arises.[But I was only 45 as I wrote this.] It is a matter of growing old, inferior, and facing death in the future in a Grace-filled way. In other words, to be close to God: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. God will provide. Fear not. Trust in Him. Pray. Hope and watch. The end is the beginning. The beginning is more glorious than you or I can imagine! In Jesus, the Divine united with the human: perfect, no flaws, no sin, and no sickness. So when His union of the Divine and human should die, Jesus should kill death by His death. The sickness of man is eradicated by the death of the perfect flesh - then the perfect flesh is resurrected by the Divinity residing in the Trinity, beyond the possibility of sin, pain and death. 232 God, the Light (or should I say, of the Light, or in the Light, or Source of the Light) has often told me I am a saint, in times of doubt or stress; He is warming my heart and holding it in His hands, filling it with His tender mercy, comforting, consoling, and soothing me with His gentle, strong, constant love. Closer than a mother--(and believe me, my mother IS CLOSE!!!).I was born in this temple, and I will die in this temple. April 3, 1991 - Wednesday Blessed is the Lord God of history, whose seeming perverseness and obscurity straighten out and draw together to form clear threads of justice and mercy, twined to form an indissoluble bond between Earth and Heaven. He will never let go. Yahweh be praised forever - yea eternally! Like the blind man that Jesus healed, I know not how the Lord healed me or by what power, but I do know that the Lord allows me to see His Spirit in His (or It's) own Light, regardless of what theology you proclaim. I see! I see it! I see Christ's Light! I am in a state of Grace! I see it! It cannot be denied! The proof of the pudding is in the eating, and He "speaks" to me visually!!! If Jesus only wants me without my sexuality, then He can't have me. Jesus wishes to resurrect all parts of any person: body, soul and spirit. I can't offer myself as my gift to Jesus without surrendering all parts of myself to Him, including my sexuality. The problem is on one level: "what to do with my sexuality as I am a consecrated single person?" On the level of Jesus, there is an area where the intoxication of spiritual encounter with Jesus filters down into an affective, even physical, level. There is no reaction on a physical level but there is, deep down inside one's maleness, a yearning for this incomplete, unfulfilled area of one's life, one's sexuality to find some real home. [It is not a sexual yearning for Jesus]. The 233 home is Heaven and the person I trust this yearning to is Jesus. Sexuality is an attempt at transcendence. The joy of fulfilled sexuality is probably a very poor version of the joy that one has in Heaven. [On a few levels only--some of the emotions may bear some signs of similarity. There is no comparison in Heaven, physically.] I trust my sexuality to Jesus as I would any healthy, problem part, or area of my person. It is not improper love. It is a sign of health. And it may have to be done more than once, for it is in need of being constantly re-established. It is ideal to establish a covenant relationship with Jesus, to bind you to your human partner in a marriage ceremony, or re-establish it from time to time with your partner in the Presence of Jesus. As a single person, you can make a covenant relationship with your God-man Spouse, bringing your sexuality under the Lord's Graces and power. It becomes so much easier to handle your sexuality, when Jesus is in control. But you have to put Him there! My Magdalene heart like a whore loves You, Jesus. I was, and still am, wanton and interiorly promiscuous, going to the Baals in my mind. Fickle, rejecting, then loving You in my adulterous heart - then rejecting You again. Cruel, using, exploiting and plundering Your storehouse of riches meanwhile complaining, talking down, calumniating you to myself, doubting you in Your Divinity and Your Divine Temple, Your Mystical Body. BUT... Winter and summer, I return to You each day for more support. You don't always do what I want and You often do what I don't want. I am Your puppet. But oh the greatness of the riches at Your right hand! Your soft touch on my fevered brow. This world will all be forgotten, like a bad dream, in Heaven. One thing I would ask is to see You on Earth here, in the flesh someday, for as long as possible. I know I am impure and unclean. Day after day and from hour to hour, I am Your servant. Do not reject Your 234 servant! Do not hurt the one who loves You! Number my days with Your love and Your Glory! Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner! Romans 7: 14 - 15. v.14 " We know that the law is spiritual but I am carnal sold under sin. v.15 - I do not understand my own actions for I do not do what I want to but I do the very thing I hate." I became aware as I prayed the Jesus Prayer, half asleep on my bed, that I didn't trust Jesus as God, the Almighty Son, equal and second to the Father, second Person of the Most Holy Trinity, and Co-creator of all things and creatures, including myself, with the reverence, respect, dignity, and adoration He rightly deserves and expects. I take it all for granted, go for the big gain, and say the right things knowing they are right, without expressing what I really mean. "These people worship me with their lips, but their heart is far from me", as the Lord said somewhere in the Bible. But it is so difficult. The prayer never stops for long. I feel guilty, if I stop. The monotony is so great, it is all deadening. I am half - dead! It never stops! How can I approach the Lord like a fresh creature? What should I do? I must be faithful! I must be true! I must be as constant as I can be! I must not fail until death do us unite! I was thinking about the Oratorian Fathers here, who say that almost every impure thought and impure action by oneself, can be a mortal sin. I thought with some doubt, that if it was habitual, it probably wasn't a mortal sin. At that precise moment in time, a light flashed onto my head and eyes, piercing me, and a long bar of light covered a section of the wall. It said ineffably: "you are not evil." God even reassures me when I doubt. [ But it probably is a mortal sin.] To the church at Thyatira, the apostle John quotes the words of Jesus 235 (eventually), as John saw Jesus in his vision. Revelations 2: 26 - 29: "To the one who wins the victory, who keeps in my ways until the end, I will give authority over the nations, the same authority I received from my Father. He shall rule them with a rod of iron and shatter them like crockery; and I will give him the morning star. Let him who has ears heed the Spirit's word to the churches." I am not a member of the original church at Thyatira, but I believe it is a spiritual church that exists throughout history. I prayed a series of prayers to be the one who has the victory. There was lots of encouragement from the Spirit in the form of Light, saying it was Jesus, and by the mediation of Grace, Mary's influence appeared. There was no indication at the end of the prayer that I was the "victor", but I rationalize by saying that perhaps no one will know who the victor is until the end of time. It doesn't seem likely that I was successful in my prayer quest. I am not a fool. I believe in God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, so I am not a fool in that ultimate sense. Optimistic and hopeful usually - yes. A fool for Christ - yes. I gave the prayer a good shot. I hope I didn't make any mistakes. Perhaps, I can improve on it sometime. I couldn't see if the Light "said" anything or not, about whether I was the "victor" or not. Sunday, April 7th, 1991 - 6:30 P.M. I saw, in a vivid vision, a locust pouring masses of eggs out of its tail section (abdomen). I asked whether it was for me or for Canada or for whom. I was told it was for the whole world. I believe it. (See the Book of Revelation). I saw only the abdomen of the locust. We will be visited by plagues for our iniquities. God Himself, knows they are great enough. Then the world will know that the Lord is God and there is no other, with His Son and Spirit. What the plagues will be, I do not know for sure yet. We will all see in time. The eggs are being laid now. That appeared to be the message of the vision. We will see. We will see. [History is the story of God's love, including His chastisements]. 236 Henry Suso [The Life of the Servant] quoting from Ecclesiasticus about Divine Wisdom: "She said 'as the fair rosetree blooms and the high incense smells pure, and spreads an odour as of unmixed balsam, I am a blooming sweetsmelling, pure beloved without vexation or bitterness. But all other lovers have sweet words and bitter guerdon; their hearts are nets of death, their hands are fetters of iron, their words are sweetened poison, their pastimes the loss of honour.' " How true it is - I echo Henry Suso. My life has been, in part, a continual flirtation or dance with these other lovers. And for the past 5 or 6 years, I have pursued very intensively, mystically, not exclusively but more or less continuously, my Saviour, Jesus Christ to whom Eternal Wisdom is so close. She had preserved me from childhood as her possession alone. No one ever trapped me or caught me for very long (Heaven forbid!). She preserved me and protected the integrity of Her relationship with me in the inner rose - blood - coloured interior of my secret heart. Only Jesus, the Holy Spirit, (and the Father), and Mary have access to secret passages into the Glory - field of my heart. May God, the Son protect me! Forever may He and Mary rest lovingly, peacefully, and contentedly in the interior of my rose - blood heart! [ Wisdom is common to all three Hypostases of the Most Holy Trinity: The Father - God, The Son, Jesus Christ and the eternal Life - giving Lord, the Holy Spirit] I am still carnal. I am not pure spirit, yet. The raptures and ecstacies of the ineffable visions of God are all I want. But I am also plagued by an unruly visitor in my flesh who drags me down in the underbrush with her, as if she were to have her way. This is most upsetting. I am a prisoner in this body of death and corruption, which will not stop insisting on having it's own way. But soon, God sets things right and gathers me to His bosom again, and transports me to legitimate delights that only God knows and can provide. [I very strongly 237 recommend weekly confession for the given cleansing power and Graces that contribute so much to growth.] To those who think that the Apostles and the other witnesses of Jesus, after He had risen, were faking it and were trying to save face after Jesus' death was supposed to be a finality: let it be known that those self-same Apostles and witnesses preached and built a Church in the very teeth of the same death that took their Leader. This courage was fed by supernatural wellsprings of love, faith and the hope inspired by the risen Jesus. Soon Stephen, the protomartyr, would sacrifice his life for his belief in Jesus, and Holy Tradition has it that all the apostles, save John, died a martyr's death. Can you imagine so timid a group, before Jesus' death, sacrificing their very lives, almost to a man, willingly for a lie? This man Jesus, truly did rise from the dead, proving He is God; and as the record shows, only the gullible and liars themselves amongst the unbelievers, dared to doubt or to prevaricate about the witness of so many believers and martyrs, that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and sits at the right hand of His Father in Heaven, after His glorious Ascension. The experience of contemplative prayer reveals itself to be passive, receptive and dependent on the action of God. In particular, one waits for God for long periods of time, is often ignored, and God's Spirit penetrates one's body, soul, mind, heart and senses. There is no doubt in my mind that the only word that comes close to actually describing the state of the pray - er is "feminine," whether the pray - er is male or female. The only male act we have is to penetrate the Spirit of God with our word of prayer. One waits for God as for a husband to speak or return. The experiences of women include silence, creativity, giving birth and nurturing. All four of these are present in contemplative prayer. Silence is oh - so fundamental to contemplative prayer! Creativity is necessary to deal with the Spirit of God in new, fruitful and satisfying ways. Giving birth refers to the birth 238 of Jesus in our souls. (Nurturing could refer to the care given to the Person, Jesus, inside us from precious germ of life to mature adult, as we grow with Him in the "womb-like" protection of our souls). [So a man is a "she" spiritually, in these ways.][The soul is feminine whether it is that of a man or a woman.] [It is precisely because all souls, male or female, are feminine in relation with a masculine God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) that we males need feel no shame over any implied, but not present, superiority of male over female, (or vica versa), or in other words, over either of our genders. Do you suppose it makes one whit of difference whether we have a male or female superstructure. Jesus had a male superstructure and we are made, in the narrow sense, in the image of Him. He is made, by the same token, as "the image of the Father" which would imply a masculine Father, which is what we would expect a Father to be. The Holy Spirit is also masculine being the Active Principle of Godhead and impregnating Mary. However, God in His Three persons exhibits signs of nurturing, feeding, creating offspring in the woman's and other life form's "wombs:" of "hesed:" of compassion and depth of emotion, truer than a man. It is precisely for these reasons that God, the Trinity, is considered Feminine. And in addition, while a woman is often less educated than a man, she is by the same token usually more reasonable and stable than a man, recovering on the average, much sooner from a broken love affair than a man. And it is for precisely these reasons that a man is at a disadvantage to a woman in that as they are both receivers from God in any of His forms, BOTH MAN AND WOMAN ARE FEMININE in their true nature. A man because of his male physique may feel pride in being like Jesus. But, Jesus was a man precisely because it is the more difficult of the two roads to travel, male and female. Men because of their brutishness (on occasion) and their lack of sensitivity through living through their superior ( some might say inferior) muscle power, often if not usually, find it difficult to be naturally spiritual until they have conquered their bodies. [ The latency period in children is there so a child may acquire a true spiritual, emotional and intellectual appreciation of Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, themselves above all, and the world around them, including their families, others, and the world and its inhabitant's.] Men are often more involved 239 in this world than in the next. They have an active principle that can build things, structures, organizations and nations ---- even in some cases, empires. They kill men in war and at home, women, even children and they are the great cause of womens undoing for the women are fatally attracted to them. Thus the women instead of choosing Jesus as a spouse in a non - sexual way, opt for the illicit carnal bed of desire that is there to lure them to their doom IE. an unwise choice in marriage, an unplanned for and unwanted pregnancy leading to being abandonned by most young men, or an unhappy forced marriage, or worst of all, crime of crimes, the plucking untimely from the womb of the murdered baby human being, as much a person in it's soul as you or me. So women, on the other side, men often make passable if not good husbands, good responsible fathers, excellent priests, brothers, deacons, monks and have built the structure of society as we know it today. They lead in most aspects of industry, trade and commerce, in sports, diplomacy, higher education, the list goes on. But all these things are of, and in, the world and women finding themselves cut off from these pursuits used to turn to love, rather than war and intrigue, especially love of family and God. Doing thus they found their weakness to be a strength and their true power to lie in their souls. For denied the things and castles of this earth they chose the TOWERS OF THE HEAVENLY JERUSALEM WITH THEMSELVES AT THE RIGHT HAND OF THEIR LEIGE AND KING, JESUS. THERE THEY TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR LIVING UPRIGHT LIVES, BUILDING HEALTHY, TRUE RELATIONSHIPS, FAMILIES AND A HEALTHY SOCIETY. NOW THEY HAVE THROWN OUT JESUS AND THE TRINITY, BROKEN ALL OF GOD'S COMMANDMENTS AND JOINED THE MEN IN THE CARNAL MESS THEY HAVE MADE AND THEY WONDER WHY SOCIETY IS A DISASTER. WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO IS GO BACK TO THE ORIGINAL CHURCHES THAT ONCE WERE ONE AT THE FIRST, THAT STILL HAVE THE SACRAMENTS, THAT STILL VALUE VIRGINITY, THE BLESSED VIRGIN AND THE TRUE BODY AND BLOOD OF CHRIST, NAMELY THE ROMAN CATHOLIC AND EASTERN ORTHODOX CHURCHES. YOU WOMEN ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR RESTORING SOCIETY. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN 240 THE BACKBONE OF THE FAMILY, THE PILLARS OF A MORAL SOCIETY Only in church, will you provide the countervailing force to the carnality of men, a role you have abdicated. So you are female in your spiritual gender, ladies. Don't reject it. The males are feminine just like you in their relationship to God: they just don't know it. To put it as a joke, there is not a real man amongst them." They think a real man fights people, kicks them and hits them, has a lot of money which he spends liberally on everyone, has a girl on each arm. WHAT A TERRIBLE JOKE. THE IRONY OF IT! Now I hope I have said it clearly enough in this book that this is the opposite of what a real man is. I think I've worked it to death. Enough said except: Women be true to your god - Jesus, live by the commandments, and raise your family to love God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, yourself and your husband in that order. If your husband is better than you they will love him more than you. Above all be a good influence on your husband. Be faithful to him and true and raise and uplift him spiritually to the highest level youcan. You can only do that by going there yourself first. Be a good partner in marriage. The bed has only a small amount to do with it. The marriage bed never got anyone to heaven except if the children produced in it were good. But there have been many marriage beds that have left many people wondering if they were going to go to hell, or worse still, not wondering, after the marriage bond of fidelity had been broken, perhaps irrevocably. April 20, 1991 In my prayer life, there are in almost all situations, juxtapositions of Light and darkness that mark my apprehensions of the visible world. These are often in marked contrast to each other, and have varying degrees of intensity and luminosity or conversely darkness or shadow. My initial reactions, to this typical situation that I encountered in prayer, were to say that the Light, when active and good was from God, and the darkness was evil or from the devil, when active, perverting, lying, tempting, or oppressing. 241 Out of the shade emerges darkness, which moves with less agility, is often in the form of huge human limbs and torso with muscles bulging and threatening, (the strong man), when illuminated and revealed by the Lord, the Holy Spirit. The presence of the evil one is often revealed, refering to the devil, by the Holy Spirit pronouncing, visually and ineffably, the word of warning: "satan". The Light, to be supernatural, has to be from some Light source that is not natural (eg. not from an electric light, the light from the sun, moon, or stars or any other natural source, diffuse or not). The supernatural Light was rare at first in my prayer life. I greatly feared the darkness as evil, anti - God, anti - life, anti - myself, and pro - satan. I went through 2 long years,"fighting off" the darkness, trying to resist it's often inexorable presence, and seeing in it many, strange monsters and foul, vile, perverted creatures and things. I do not feel this was my own doing to any extent, but that my imagination was stimulated and perverted by the evil one. Also, the shadows were there, they appeared, re-appeared and moved, and they were visual not imaginative. Finally, they were diabolical in their shape, meaning, content, and in the thoughts that they forced on me at the same time, involuntarily on my part. [I don't know why I am plagued by the devil so much. It is suffice to say that "God knows all." He permits it and He has His reasons. [I absolutely try very, very hard to be pure and to be in touch with Jesus and the All - Holy, All - Blessed Trinity.] My focus for more than a year was more often with fighting off the assaults of those shadows, which at times were in marked contrast with the Divine Light, which, in turn, is so much sweetness and Light, Life - giving, fluid, organic and moves in rays or clouds of emanations or suddenly in beams or shafts of Light. It traverses long distances slowly or almost instantly, secretly or openly; and it can be as discriminating or delicate as the surgeon's knife. It is very friendly. It appears here and reappears over there, simultaneously. It can move one to tears of joy or contrition, and warm the heart invisibly. 242 It can speak quickly in rebuke, or ineffably, clearly, indistinctly, slowly or at a comfortable pace. It can burst out and shower forth, or faintly reveal its secrets; it can fade in an instant at a sign of sin and go to its pre - ordained hiding place in eternity. Jesus sometimes blazes forth from the monstrance; other times, He doesn't seem to even be there much, for hours at a time. The Divine Light is timeless, yet it lives in time. It shines on the wall or in the air in the middle of the room. It hints at ideas, shining across the room, and lets my mind complete the idea by the power of the same Spirit in my head. It is suggestive, working around a proper subject, so I may discover it. It can move in a sort of a "pas de deux" of the Holy Spirit. It warns me of the presence of satan and has apparently even called me "satan", as Jesus did St. Peter. It can be direct and forward, but more often it is subdued, gentle and calm. It can be "recessive", manifold, comforting, secret, reassuring, praising, even extolling, positive, protecting, subtle, profound, obscure, joyful, nurturing, involved, compassionate, dramatic, barely discernable, hidden, skittish, full of hope, containing the stuff of my faith, and irrepressibly, completely and unutterably, loving. This Spirit, contained in, or behind, the Light, gives gifts beyond the wildest dreams of man. "Eye has not seen and ear has not heard the magnitude of the Glory that awaits us in Heaven". The same Spirit of God reveals in all its Glory, the sublime, profound, and all-powerful love of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. This Love converts the whole world and recapitulates it to Jesus Himself, and through Him to His Father by the power of the Spirit of God. 243 The Immaculate Heart of Mary also shines through the Light in the form of Graces contained in the Spirit. This Spirit of God is directly from the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The Love contained is also the Love of Jesus from the Father. So I pray the Jesus prayer. His mercy is wider than everything that exists for those who love Him... I just tap into it by the Jesus prayer. By the way, I have never figured out how the Most Holy Trinity communicates words, ideas, and sentences visually, but they do and very, very often. It is a great mystery. [There is the Spirit as Light Source "OUT THERE," and the Spirit in the eye, brain and mind, simultaneously INTERPRETING the Light - one possible explanation.] April 25, 1991, after 11 P.M. The Holy Spirit does not often respond to my direct requests that He reveal His identity or Presence by emanations of Spiritual Light. He only very rarely reveals His identity through the Light. Again, only rarely does He indicate the Presence of God the Father, (or is it the Father saying His own name?) Jesus' name is pronounced by the Spirit most frequently, which is not surprising, for I usually pray the Jesus prayer during contemplation. I focus my eyes on the air or the wall with some icons on it, which quickly can become idols if one prays with the image improperly. The other prayer, which I use often, is the Lord's Prayer and is used as a mantra, like the Jesus prayer. The Te Deum, as praise of the Most Holy Trinity is very effective for thanksgiving and in petition. The Hail Holy Queen is useful to complement the Most Holy Trinity by praying to Mary to invoke her, the contemplative extraordinaire, and the universal 244 feminine. I lay on a couch reading a book about the mystical marriage between Jesus, the Bridegroom, and man. I realized that my modesty at giving myself to Jesus in a physical way would be removed in Heaven where I can throw myself at Jesus and embrace Him, because there will be no sex in Heaven. There will be no sexual immorality and perhaps not the sexual restraints we have here, no inhibitions and no sex, alleluia! So I offered myself to Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit 4 times; 1 - irrevocably, 2 - irrevocably irrevocably, 3 - irrevocably, irrevocably, irrevocably and, 4 - irrevocably 4 times to the aforementioned Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit eternally, that many times to give myself to Jesus this way in Heaven, eternally. As I finished, the Divine Light radiated from my chest, heart and stomach saying ineffably: "Eternally". We will be like children in Heaven -- God's pure and innocent children, with no chance of sin, but very much more wise and loving than now! I renounced the idolatry of focusing on "St. Rob", because it can be an idol and a vanity that must be removed from its perch on the throne in my mind, heart and soul, so that God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit may resume free access and activity to and in my mind, heart, and soul. I will also do the same thing to some other gifts or qualities in the same way - because they are idols to me. The Divine Light is an example. It is not God. It is air, the atoms of which are excited by the Presence of the Holy Spirit, so it glows. So the air is "created", not CREATOR. [Father Petro taught me this concept, not God. I hope that he is right for all our sakes. If I am actually SEEING GOD, then the scope of the book is much greater than I had expected- "for no man can see the face of God and live". However, the disciples saw the Glory of God around Jesus on Mt. Tabor, and it is this type of phenomenon that I believe we are blessed with here.] It is gift, and Energy (in this case) and certainly not Essence. The Light excites the air. It is not wise to get too attached to gifts. You have to love God for the sake of His 245 love for Himself, not for His gifts or what He can do for you. Father Roger Yaworski S.J. taught me that five years ago. But in the case of the Divine Light, it is like splitting hairs, or is perhaps, a moot point. I prayed for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to remove all the barriers to, or for, my complete utter love of God to be given and facilitated to me. I prayed it with a combination of 7 irrevocablies of four types, plus 7 eternalities and 4 different combinations of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, done a total of 7 times. April 26, 1991, 11:33 P.M. I offered myself as a sacrificial offering in advance, (for the time of my death), to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I was shown a crown with thin bars up over the top of the wearers head - me, I suspect. The reason I do such complex prayers is because I want to prove to Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, how much I love them. Often God does not respond, unless I make a real substantial effort and only then toward the end of the prayer. Sometimes He responds immediately, but even then I go on praying. I want to do God justice. If I have committed myself to a course of prayers, I am true to my word and follow through. But one is always aware that God is rational, wise, alive, and responds when He wants to. [God never complains about long prayers to me. I think He indulges me. I know that it seems I am open to criticisms from the very mouth of Jesus on the subject of long prayers, but Jesus gets happier the more prayerful I get. What about the prayers and homilies, and sermons in the churches? Some of them are pretty long. The Mass is one long prayer; the rosary and the Jesus Prayer, are long and repetitive, too. Besides, I am not a heathen--let 246 the reader understand. Let he who has ears, hear!!!] [For example: the Jesus prayer is supposed to take all day, ideally, while the office takes 1-1/2 hours daily, and the Sunday Mass usually takes one hour or more. Similarly, the rosary takes from 3/4 of an hour up to quite a number of hours in a day, if practiced rigourously. I repeat the rosary and the Jesus prayer are both repetitive prayers and both are very effective. Q.E.D.] April 29, 1991, in my prayer room I prayed a series of prayers, but the Lord, the Holy Spirit didn't say much. Finally I asked God, the Most Holy Trinity, through their representative, the Lord, the Holy Spirit to DICTATE a message to me. He was VERY pleased and said wait. By the way, all of this message should be read in the light of the Medjugorje messages. I know very little about them, but what I do know fits. I wasn't thinking of them when this message occurred, and seldom do. I never gave much thought as to whether they were true or not. The Lord, the Holy Spirit told me when I would die. I don't know if He will change his mind or not.[It could be a symbolic --perhaps (3x3) three times, or something to do with the millennium coming to an end. Personally speaking, I'll be very upset, if I don't die at the time He told me, because people will doubt my credibility; and then again on the other hand, I'll possibly get the chance to be very, very upset if I do die, because I DON'T Want to die. God is utterly free to do as he wishes. It is a well-known fact that God's words can have several layers of meaning. Perhaps if I pray and repent enough, He will change His MIND!!!] The message was given in very small segments, a word or two at a time. There was some, consistently increasing oppression, that was revealed as coming from satan as the strong man. A large shadow in the form of an arm from wrist to, and including, biceps covered the wall, attempting to block out the Divine Light and putting great pressure on my head and mind - physical more than psychological pressure. 247 The message from the Holy Spirit is: "The sin on earth will not go to hell in 1999. What will occur will send Mary home to Jesus. The world might fix itself in Washington and Moscow. Sex sin will circumscribe the world. Your church might change your world". This is as far as I go. It was very difficult. Forgive me for my inadequacies. But remember, I am very unsure of how true this revelation may be. [The reference to 1999, in this message, is not to my death, it is to the millennium]. The Holy Spirit told me that God has His own special names for everyone on earth, and that He uses them when He calls us, unconsciously on our part. God will give them to us when we get to Heaven, (if we get to Heaven - my words.) The Light is intelligent, with the movement and intensity of this Divine Light, being co - ordinated with the words and ideas, being expressed ineffably. Indeed, by movement toward a crucifix, the Divine Light may purposefully draw my attention to Jesus, while saying "Jesus" or "Him" in response to my thoughts in our dialogue. The nuance, in the intensity or softness of the Light, can express subtlety of mood or feeling, that is appropriate to the mood of the Lord, the Holy Spirit, in moments of His happiness, sadness, irony, joy, tenderness, affection or love. Similarly, the burgeoning forth of the ebullient Spirit of God, rejoicing, exalting and revelling in the joy, excitement and power expressed by the full Procession of the Holy Spirit, from the Father through the Son, is hard to write off as illusion, particularly when the emanations of the Spirit are self - identified as Glory and Grace by the same Spirit. At the final judgement, the individuals' tribes, towns, cities, etc. will all be judged individually and collectively. We are told of the 24 Elders in the book of 248 Revelations who are perhaps, none other than the 12 patriarchs of the Old Testament and the 12 apostles of the New Testament. Together, they will judge the 12 tribes of Israel and the whole gentile world. However, this is obscure. But we shall all judge each other to a greater or lesser degree. The blood of the martyrs cries out for vengeance and justice. But, "vengeance is mine says the Lord", so it is not clear in what way, God or man, will judge men or to what degree. By the power of Jesus Christ I am a saviour:[a co- redeemer with Christ - participating in the redemption process - FOR THE GOOD] Tuesday before Ascension Day, May 7th, 1991 I was fed up with the Lord Jesus being at a distance. I prayed the Jesus Prayer repetitively. Eventually, I complained to Jesus that He was never close enough. I prayed for His Spiritual Body to be through me, with me, and in me, and then for myself to be through Him, with Him, and in Him. Then I prayed the same two prayers to the Father, because the Son is in the Father. There was a great deal of Light. I then prayed to be the most important pneumatophore (or Spirit - bearer) next to Mary. No response. So I prayed with more humility to be the greatest pneumatophore I could ever be. Immediately, I felt something penetrating my face, and head and a prickly sensation in my skin. Then I said simply: "eternally". The Divine Light shone and radiated His approval. Monday, May 13, 1991 - 9:00 P.M. The praying saint or believer, or in other words, one who can see and / or communicate with the Lord, the Holy Spirit is, like the recipient of the Eucharist, the only person who can usually know the Person of Jesus, contained in the Holy Spirit through and of Jesus from the Father. 249 Only this person, hundreds of millions of whom communicate with Jesus by eating the Divine Host or praying each week, has the direct experience of the person of Jesus and knows Him in the Holy Spirit, playing on the senses, mind, emotions, will, intellect and body of this person. The experience in prayer may take hours, even days, or a week or more, to build up or fade away. It is dependent on the will of the Most Holy Trinity and the "eyes" of the praying person. The eucharistic experience, while Jesus is only present in the communicant's body for a few minutes in power, may involve the Holy Spirit staying for long periods of time, also in great power. The length of time the Lord, the Holy Spirit stays with the person, "in intensity", depends on the level of sanctity of the individual, as well as on the will of the Lord, the Holy Spirit to do so. The Eucharistic Presence is only there normally, when the Eucharist contains the real Presence of Jesus passed on unbroken by bishops to priests, who are endowed with the ability to change bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus by the power of the apostolic succession. But the invocation and experience of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit by prayer or the will of the Most Holy Trinity, does not need an apostolic link or origin, and is open to anyone to experience, communicate with, and covenant with, regardless, although reception of the Eucharist helps and may be essential. The other way that we experience Jesus is in our neighbour. Our neighbour may well be, (and probably is), a member of the Body of Christ. He contains the Presence of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in his body and soul. Without the indwelling Presence of the Trinity, the person would be rather unattractive, indeed they would probably crumble to nothing. 250 So we love Jesus in our neighbour, because He is part of a spiritually and physically living, moving, growing and connected Body which is the Body of Christ. Jesus is the Head and we are the parts of this Body. All the parts of this Body are connected. This is why True Christians reverence all men, women, and children, and have a sense of reverence and adoration for the Trinity in all creation and eternity. A True, Christian husband cherishes his wife, and a True, Christian wife cherishes her husband. So we love the Christ in all of us, in the Body of Christ. [The following may be seen as being radical, yea even revolutionary ideas, but they are solidly entrenched in the theology of the Eastern Church of Christendom, and to a lesser extent the Western Church]. Tonight, God, the Holy Spirit told me that "you are a god"" (small "g"). I read here that: "Through the Spirit we acquire a likeness to God; indeed we attain what is beyond our most sublime aspirations"; (From the treatise, On the Holy Spirit by Saint Basil the Great) in the Roman breviary. Soon I read, "this day I have begotten you" (Acts. 13: 33). [Please Note!!!--I am obviously not begotten from before the foundation of the world. Indeed, it is not clear how a human being could be "begotten" in the sense that Jesus was. This is a mystery only God can explain. Perhaps He will.] This passage fairly leapt off the page at me. The previous quote by St. Basil indicated clearly by the language of the Holy Spirit, the Divine Light, that I was a god (small "g"). The final indication I had tonight that I was a "god", came from an emphasized passage of scripture that indicated I was to be considered to be "part of the Most High" (see Luke 1: 76). This has been my goal, (to become a small "g" god), for years now and it has been indicated as granted from time to time - this time in a rather subdued, sublime way. It means to be a part of the Most Holy Trinity, not god in any exclusive sense (or dominant sense), but "by participation" as St. Peter prescribes in His epistle. I hope I don't get assassinated for this bit of writing. 251 This last indication of godliness on my part was indicated by powerful Lights radiating from my chest. The whole evening prayer was absolutely convincing and I quickly ascertained that it was God and not satan that was speaking to me. No question. Alleluia! Absolutely! Alleluia!. May 13th, 1991 (Approximately) [It is possible that this prayer was said before the previous passage, but it is here in my notes and I promised to be true to the record]. Lord God, Lord Jesus, Lord, the Holy Spirit, Lord the Most Holy Trinity, please make me a small "g" god by participation through You, with You, and in You eternally, Lord God, Lord Jesus, Lord, the Holy Spirit and Lord, the Most Holy Trinity. This was accompanied by powerful Graces I could feel in the skin of my face, and was accompanied by much Light. God obviously approved. "The Holy Spirit (assigns) his gifts to each as he chooses ... to each is given the manifestations of the Spirit for a good purpose".....[the above from the Dogmatic Constitution on the Church of the Second Vatican Council]. These gifts, I say, are to serve and edify the Church. As the Body of Christ, the Church has many parts, [ie organs and cells]. Now, the Church does not value any part to the exclusion of another. If one of those parts were missing, the Body of Christ would not be whole. So it is with the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Each Christian is precious in the eyes of God, and has corresponding appropriate Graces or gifts. It is premature to judge any Christian on the basis of his or her gift or state in life. Remember the upside-down world of the beatitudes. So don't value me, yourself, or anyone, too highly or too low in an absolute eternal sense. We simply don't know. God's gift is not deserved or fully understood, usually. [One 252 is incredulous at the sheer Glory and freedom of the way the gift is given]. John 16:13. "Howbeit when He, the Spirit of Truth, is come, He will guide you into all truth; for He shall not speak of Himself; but whatsoever He shall hear, that shall He speak; and He will show you things to come." So that is why the Holy Spirit never proclaims Himself - He usually proclaims Jesus. [This is absolutely consistent with my experience]. [The following paragraph is very important. Perhaps Jesus took me up on it.] I sacrificed to Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit, tonight at around 2:06 A.M., (Saturday, May 18th, 1991), my holiness, my peace and my desire for them, (holiness and peace), if the All Holy Trinity should desire to take them away from me. Pentecost Sunday, May 19th, 1991, 11:35 P.M. (approx.) Tonight, the Lord Jesus came and bedecked my heart with spiritual lace, fragrance, warmth, and love, (my physical heart), and said: "you are my bride", ineffably as it were. I know it is on a personal level. I also know that the Church is His bride. But this blessing was here and now for me alone. There are ways of thinking about this which don't offend and are no problem. Only thankfulness and adoration can result. Below are some thoughts I had while reading a book of sayings, by St. Therese of Lisieux, the little Flower. These are my thoughts however, and reflect MY life, values, and actions. They are, in fact, my sayings. It has usually been my practice, except with a few close souls, to accept criticism in silence as I am usually so unprepared for criticism from anyone. Also I say to my self: "what's the use?" That is how I receive criticism head on, except from my family. I can get devastated by conflict. [ Usually they just blow me 253 away.] I dislike games, including verbal one-upmanship, because it pits one person against the other and is worldly, ambitious, competitive, basically carnivorous, destructive and against charity. That is one reason I didn't like my community in Hamilton. The residents used their tongues like whips and scourges. And it was encouraged by the superiors. I like peaceful, equality-minded, even-tempered, kind, supportive people who have unity - based on true charity, esteem of holiness, care and respect for the other person and who build people up, do not tear down and divide people: cherish people and do not exhibit destructive talk and action. Sometimes, I remain silent when unjustly accused. I have, for the past two years, almost always been in a good mood, when I get up in the morning. My hope remains constantly strong and my mood is almost always optimistic, sometimes almost totally happy and often ecstatic, because of my experiences. God makes me that way because His Son asks it of Him. My normal mood is what seems to be one of powerful self-confidence, but it is really confidence in Jesus, and it comes from the Holy Spirit living in my head and heart, especially my soul and my body. It is peace, joy, love and the gifts of the Spirit. Perhaps, the Spiritual Ring, that I received in the ring ceremony in St. Michael's Cathedral, was intended, in part, to also be from the Father in Heaven, God; I believe this because of an understanding of this quote from Luke 15: 22: "Put a ring on his finger and let us rejoice". (From the parable of the Prodigal Son) - a mystical interpretation. 254 I often pray for death and abandon myself to the will of God in this respect by asking to die, a martyr. [Believe me, a few times I have been threatened with death and I realise that somehow it is linked to my faith]. I used to pray for suffering, but the holocaust caused by breaking my leg makes me fear that God would do it again. I couldn't bear it, but still I offer my ankle to God to do with as He pleases. I am amazed each year that I have lived this long. I am torn between wanting to live and wanting to die for Christ. One time in 1970 - 71 approximately, I was in a truck in a park at night with a friend and we had taken a drug (I was a really bad sinner then). This person seemed very cold to me and very oppressive. I was beaten down spiritually, until I collapsed after a time on the floor of the truck coughing and choking, until I thought I might pass out. Suddenly, a peace descended on me and a large night bird appeared, (an owl I think), and flew in and covered me protectively with his wings. It was a spiritual bird, not a physical one and this was not due to a drug or a hallucination. Indeed, it was the Lord. I was comforted and safe. There was a great peace around me. [God had intervened to comfort me and save me from a very frightening situation]. Another time and place. I realized that the gifts we are given are to be used. So I immediately brought the whole of my Heaven down over the heads of those I had chosen for Jesus, and God, and through the action of the Holy Spirit with Their help, I gave it to Them eternally. I have seen a Divine whiteness on and in things, suspended in the air or on the real things of Earth, a layer of frosting or white snow-like "stuff" that covers in relief, the things of Earth and Heaven, suspended as they are in space, especially spiritual realities. 255 God does not mind whether we succeed in climbing the rungs of the ladder of sanctity, so long as we try. Great achievements conquered with ease and success, may not be as valuable as small steps with many falls, accomplished with great difficulty and much labour. The hidden judgements of God are not open to us. But simple, pure hearted, child-like faith will ultimately beat all the brilliant scholars every time. A proverb that is rooted in God is instructive - Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Also, St. Thomas Aquinas said: " It is easier for a peasant to become a saint, than for a theologian to become a saint." [I hope that is why I am such a mediocre student]. Sometimes the Light from Jesus in the Holy Spirit is large, sometimes it is so microscopic, so to speak, that it can barely be seen and then, just for an instant. Other times, it illuminates the room, and on a rare occasion, I have seen it flashing like lightning or the northern lights, through the sky, summer or winter. One could become myopic or on the other hand, far-sighted by concentrating too hard on it. It requires absolute concentration, vigilance and alertness to be aware of it. It can have orange, cream, buff, green, blue or pure dazzling white tints to it, regardless of the background colour. It has a beautiful rose - coloured tint to it when Mary is present, but I have also seen a blue tint to it when Mary is engaged in prayer. Mary also self - identifies or announces her presence, in addition to these colours. Because I have such trouble thinking, Jesus thinks for me, answers my questions and sometimes speaks to me through the mediums of light, sound, touch, and occasionally smell, but almost never taste. It has always been a belief of mine that to be a saint you have to do as the popular song said in the 1970's. You have to "take it to the limit", absolutely all the way, when you can, in the Spiritual world, (IE. with good things only). Typical of this attitude were my trips to New Brunswick and British Columbia on the Lord's work, when I threw caution to the wind, to proceed with a quite conscious 256 rational decision each time. I may have been sick, but I made a free, fully - conscious decision. Similarly, I averaged 7 - 16 hours of prayer in 24 - hour periods, on the odd occasion; these periods are "taking it to the limit". So is my self-surrender of all conscious and unconscious aspects of myself whenever possible in an extreme action. The Kingdom of Heaven is won by force, as well as by littleness. My devotion to God, to the Father, and to the Lord, the Holy Spirit, but especially to Jesus is heroic, overwhelming, and often total. I just keep driving myself forward, looking at Jesus, supplicating, adoring, petitioning, surrendering, and dying in a sweet suffering from moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day, at eternity's gates and yet not yet in eternity. St. Therese says that "we cannot expect to find the Bridegroom, Jesus, without effort" (XVth Letter, to her sister Celine - found in THOUGHTS OF ST. THERESE ). I know this for a fact. Often Jesus is shy, retiring, unwilling it seems, even stubborn, reluctant, or unresponsive, from our point of view. So much the more, must we, with heroic courage, step up our prayer, increase the number and length of our attempts to reach Him, twist His arm and compel Him, force Him to minister to our minds, hearts, bodies and souls; although you cannot force God to do anything, He is too wise, too loving and totally free within His nature and His law of love. He always does the right thing. In this letter to her sister Celine, Therese says words to the effect that:"there are few who remained with Jesus when He is (was) silent, before His judgement" (Matt: 26:65). So we should, myself included, remember that when Jesus is silent, we should re - double our efforts to remain constant. God told me, in the Light of the Holy Spirit, that I am the worst sinner in the apartment building where I live and also at the Toronto School of Theology, because I know God so well and still do so poorly. Thus, like St. Francis, I can say that God could find no sinners amongst those here, "more vile, more insignificant, more sinful than I." In using me, He makes everyone realize that "all virtue and merit derive from Him, not creatures, and that no one may glorify himself in His 257 Presence, and whoever glorifyeth glories in the Lord." I can relate to these words attributed to St. Francis, "for my sin is ever before me." Take it from me, you would probably be appalled if you knew all my sins - so would I - still, I always strive after virtue. Maybe I sound Simon pure, but I am flawed in basic ways like every broken member of the human race, and we are ALL broken in this family of man [and woman]. There are evidences of the great Light of God's Glory all around my prayer room, on the wall and in the air. I asked God how I would appear at the Judgement Seat? Jesus and I said: "shame," simultaneously to my relations with my father on Earth (my dad). I then asked Jesus: "to judge me honestly with true justice." Jesus said: "yes". I then asked Him: "to cover all my sins with Your mercy and dismiss them with a stroke of the brush, a stroke of the pen, and a word of Your voice." Jesus immediately with great enthusiasm and sublimity said: "Saint forever". So, I am still a member of the company of saints in Heaven. I wonder if that is what St. Peter meant when he said: "make sure, my brothers to make your calling and election sure." It appears to be sure, but I'll bet I have to be vigilant not to fall. [One can be a "fallen" saint and lose their sainthood temporarily perhaps, but if one is a "saint forever" then one is just that. However, one must never relax one's vigilance.] The Church today is like a picture of a husband in a frame and a picture of a wife also in a frame, joined in their infancy by Jesus in their frames, each joined to the other by hinges and looking out at each other and beyond to the world. These pictures hinged in the middle were the Eastern and Western Churches, originally in union. The Protestant churches could be seen to be their rebellious children. They have become estranged and separated. The hinges joining the two pictures have become unjoined, and mistrust, charge and counter-charge have produced two Churches where once there was one. Each myopic and self-centred; each trumpeting its infallibility, virtue, and claims to omnipotence; each claiming 258 to be the "True Church", whatever that is supposed to be. (Nobody can agree!!!) Surely, they can see that together they possibly were the True Church. Together they can again form the basis of "A" True Church in the future, when they become more "universal". But they have to start to value each other, to share their common roots, dogma, doctrine, theology and ethics, to share their common sacraments and history, and to share their vision of who they are, and their vision of the future. They must abandon their separateness, their narcissism and selfcentredness, their misinformation, and their lies and ignorance. They must learn to respect their differences, to embrace their similarities and to strive for a vision of a future together. This once - married couple won't go away. The once-married couple will not die. We can live apart or together. As long as there is a problem, and if it is a lack of love - IT IS A PROBLEM, and it will always be there. To return to my analogy, the Church of Rome can be seen as the husband: rigid, strong, authoritarian and militant. The wife can be seen as the Orthodox Church: more feminine, understanding, deeply faithful, more traditional liturgically; having learned what many people learn by being conquered (by the Moslems and Communists: a pair of strange bed - fellows): to be more compromising, to suffer under adversity and to be more flexible in their traditions. It seems unlikely that the husband, (the Roman Catholic Church), and the wife, (the Orthodox Church) will re-unite in the near future, but having spent 5 years as a part-time student in university studying both Churches, I can say I am immeasurably richer from the disciplines, liturgies, theology, and writings (of the saints) of BOTH CHURCHES. I said BOTH Churches. Many of these saints, the two Churches hold in common. If we Christians are all children of God, then we are also all like wild gangs roaming the face of the earth, fighting over members, territory and riches. And like the schoolboy/girl gangs, we all too often have the toughest, most opinionated members leading us. The people of the beatitudes and peace are trampled down, 259 ignored, ostracized, muzzled by fear and punished, if they don't toe the party line IN THEIR OWN CHURCH. These attitudes and behavior exist amongst the clergy and the laity, BUT NOT EVERY CLERGY OR LAY PERSON IS ONE OF THESE BIGOTS. There is a tremendous amount of hatred between the Churches, and many people express their bigotry by persecuting and punishing those who don't think, speak and act, in short, believe in things the way they do. When will people convert, step forward and be counted as ones that will tear down the walls dividing men's hearts and the Churches, BY THE POWER OF JESUS' LOVE? If you know how to love your own kind, learn to love what the Old Testament calls the "resident alien"- a member of another church or faith. Perhaps you will Love them in the same way you love your own family. Have them over for dinner. Even go to church with them--perhaps their church. And remember, you're doing it for the sake of your soul, as much as for them. You have to live the gospel if you want to sincerely call yourself a Christian. Besides, I'll bet you learn something, that you experience something valuable that you will never forget. It may be a turning point in your life. SHALOM. June 11, 1991 - 11:00 P.M. approximately God has a plan for each one of us. While we were yet non - Christians, even non - existent people, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit were planning to have us born again. Now this is not some simple one-time act that takes a minute, a day, a month, or a year. It is a continual process of conversion. Many people just travel a little distance of the way, while others go almost all the way, and become saints. 260 It can involve great tribulation and cataclysmic, earth-shaking, interior events. The entire interior life of the individual can be turned upside down, shifted around, worked over by the Holy Spirit and continually purified. Much of it is done subconsciously in the depths of the soul. One day, you are suddenly a Christian. So the idea of making a decision for Christ, is just a beginning - it sets in motion the whole train of events: experiencing thoughts and words and deciding how to act; first, you must accept things, then you integrate to move to the next step. One can refuse. Many do. One starts with one world - view and ultimately, if one follows through, one becomes a type of Christ, a Christian, divinized and possessing the human mind of Christ and God's Spirit. To quote St. Therese of Lisieux: "To put limits to our desires and our hopes means that we reject the infinite greatness of God." (Deposition of St. Marie de la Trinite - see THOUGHTS OF ST. THERESE, ) "To the degree that one is a contemplative, one is a saint" - George Maloney S.J. June 12, 1991 - 12:35 A.M. approximately In one sense, the Church IS imperfect. It is made up of sinners, broken vessels, or imperfect people. Hence, it is likely that a person, even with many mortal sins, could be excused by God from joining the Church, by formally confessing his or her sins; this could occur provided the person was contrite and in some way, threw him or herself into the arms of Jesus, assuming they knew Jesus as the salvific God of their life. However, this is not the recommended route, although the Church can look pretty sinful, hypocritical, imposing or strict, to some people for good reasons. And besides, the Church is not God. She is sanctified and she, in general, is the Body of Christ, but she is not God. The Church was and is created by God to be His special instrument. She is infallible in matters of faith and morals. The True Church is infallible in the sense that She cannot be led into error in these very, very, important areas. She is inevitably a 261 remnant even of herself, and is God's special Home. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, the most Holy Trinity are God. They are everywhere in the universe, not just in Churches or in churches. The Body and Blood of Jesus, our almost essential means to divinization are only in the Roman and Eastern Orthodox Churches. But God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, as Spirit, which is what their Divinity is, are omnipresent in this life. They permeate everything and everyone to some degree, Christian and non - Christian alike.. The Church is the Trinity's explicit, manifest instrument of Her Presence on earth, a strong agent for salvation. But The Church is not Their only vehicle for salvation. The source of salvation is the relationship between an individual soul or person and God, especially Jesus in the Holy Spirit. This can take place in or outside the Church. But God has always gathered together and worked effectively through groups of believers and so the Churches or churches are the most effective means to salvation. It may well be that there is NO SALVATION outside the Church, as it has existed throughout history - the Church being impossible to define beyond: "that informal Body of believers who please God in time and in eternity" - my definition. [ This implies knowledge of God in His three Persons, of His scriptures as well as adoration and worship of Him, provided they are informed and can do so.] So keep coming to church and bring all those who want to come. It is a truly, loving communion of believers and will enrich your lives, your children and your family life spiritually and socially. The Lord told me that we will love each other with our original love, like a baby's love, that was between us when we first met each other, when we go to Heaven. This is because we will be spiritual children, pure, uncomplicated and fresh. This fresh, eternal love will be renewed, strengthened, and made complete in Heaven. All the unpleasant feelings and memories between us will evaporate between Earth and Heaven, perhaps in Purgatory, and we will be made whole, loving God, ourselves, man and woman. We will love each man and woman, for we shall love them as they are; we shall be clearly loving their uniqueness, purity, 262 beauty, sublimity and the Presence of God the Most Holy Trinity; and the overwhelming magnificence of Their Glory will shine out from and illuminate each man and woman, each blessed member of Heaven. When we say we know Jesus, even I, who have experienced Him so much in His Divinity through His personality, expressed through the Divine Light and Energy, can say that I don't know Him. He is elusive, mysterious and does not reveal many human emotions. He is more a God. He has a Divine Nature that is not human and it is this that He reveals often. He is so OTHER. His humanity is, to a large if not total extent, either missing, sublimated, subordinated or unexpressed. But He can be so caring and loving and tender, and yet ironic or joyful. He is not inhuman, but as expressed through the Lord, the Holy Spirit, He is very different. Occasionally, He appears as being sort of two-dimensional in His Light aspects. It is like having poor reception on your T.V. set. No doubt when we have a glorified body and mind, then we shall be different than we are now, too. Jesus is not apparent to many people in a "full blown" way, such as He is to the odd person like me or even more so to others He appears to in bodily form. I suggest that to most people He is a worker of miracles and the nicest person you can imagine: omnipotent, yet tender. I have been told again that I won't get home to Heaven in my final form, until the year 2003. (I have been repeatedly told that I would get sick in 1996-7 and die a few years later. I hope that the Lord doesn't change his mind because I am going to look pretty stupid if He does. However, He could do it for His own purpose, such as to humble me.) I asked if I could get there as soon as I died. I was told emphatically: "impossible". It was explained to me by Jesus that this was because of certain sins of sensuality that I have had in my life. But I will be Saint Rob here and there (as well as a few other names). I have been told this date of 2003 several times over the past few years. Maybe if I beg at the time... Anyway, it looks like purgatory for sure. Pain and agony. Serves me right. [N.B. Could it be the demons??? In the false light???] [September, 1993. The signs are more 263 encouraging. They occasionally suggest that I may live much longer. It's all so murky, a miasma. I could be wrong. I very much dislike to prophesy. God won't give me a clear picture on these matters. At least, not one that I can count on.] 264 SOME OF THE LORD'S ADMIRABLE GIFTS Saturday, June 15, 1991 I prayed for myself to be through Jesus, with Jesus, and in Jesus, and then I prayed for Jesus to be thwriothu gmhe m, aen, d in me. Then I prayed for the Lord, the Holy Spirit to be through me, with me, and in me, while we were both through, with, and in Jesus. I also put myself through, with, and in the Lord, the Holy Spirit. Then I prayed for myself (who was in the Lord, the Holy Spirit, who was in the Lord Jesus), to put us through, with, and in us into God, the Father. I also put God, the Father through, with and in me and Jesus, and the Lord, the Holy Spirit. This was all done in the ten minutes, after receiving communion at St. Michael's Cathedral. At the end, I was told that I had become, and was: "very saint of very saint", (this reads, "true saint of true saint".) Afterwards, God told me that I had the top part of the rung (of the ladder) to go and that I would become, He said: "Most High Saint of the Lord God," (one of them, I assume. I think there are a number of them). In case you think I am crazy or possessed, please be aware that I have had 4 spiritual directors with 6 doctorates between them and that I am a graduate student at the Faculty of Theology, St Michael's College, The University of Toronto. Then, there is the obvious sanity of the largest bulk of the material in this book, rationally presented, if in a mystic mode. Finally, be aware that the parts of the book, which some people may question, are not fabricated by my mind or imagination, but are WHAT I HAVE RECEIVED FROM THE HAND OF GOD. Sunday Morning, June 16, 1991, 2:07 A.M. 265 I prayed tonight to be "a Most High Saint of Almighty God," as I had been requested to do by God, the Father earlier the day before. There was a lot of Light at first. I prayed first to the Father, Son, Holy Spirit and the Most Blessed Holy Trinity and then to the Lord Jesus, the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Trinity. The Lord, when I was finished, shone through the Light of the Holy Spirit, the words: "Now you are God's friend there too" (meaning the FATHER'S friend in Heaven). All I can say is "We'll understand bye and bye." Later that morning (June 16, 1991), satan was around on a number of occasions. Once, when he was there, I got a fiendish idea. I leaned forward in my chair and vowed: "Tonight, I'm going to torture him". There was a very powerful response from the Holy Trinity. Things shooting around - obvious approval. I am sure I saw parts of satan, as he rushed away from me in